A Sign of Trouble for the Bush Administration

Today's news reports that the Optimist Club is closing.

What is our country coming to when the optimists no longer wish to exist?

Merry Christmas, Cheerful Chanukah, Keepsake Kwanzaa, Respectful Ramadan, and for Atheists, May Nothing Be a Source of Joy

As we enter the holiday season, let me share what my mother gave me last year:
A headstone.

She pointed out how many people do not plan ahead for these things. Frankly, I am a cheapskate and figured: let someone else pay for it with what I have left. Now, is this a good gift to receive, or not? Hey, thanks for the nice headstone. It was just what I wanted. The color is perfect and it fits great. All my life, I've been saying: someday, I hope I get my own headstone. I knew that day would come, and now you've made my dreams come true.

What was amusing was one of the town's busybodies called my mother and asked if I was sick. She said no, and was surprised by the question. Why would she be asking if I am sick? Well, the busybody saw my new headstone and assumed...

Oh No, Not a Tasteless Joke About Bush

Several counties in Florida have reported that as many as one in seven senior citizens is infected with HIV. The National Institute of Health calls this a serious health problem, and President Bush calls this his solution to the social security problem.

Find Your Center--OR ELSE!!!!

There is a relaxation method--what kind I don't know, I was to busy to pay attention--where one finds peace through finding your center. I never realized how important it is to find your center until this weekend. Donovan McNabb should have followed this technique: Find your center.

For those unaware, Donovan McNabb, who is paid millions of dollars to quarterback the Philadelphia Eagles, and who has played a few football games in his life, made one of the most bizarre mistakes outside of midget football, where one might expect this mistake. Donovan McNabb lined up behind the wrong player and his center thus snapped the ball to--well, no one.

Fortunately for Donovan McNabb the Eagles won and he had a good game otherwise.

Still, you would think, once you make it as a pro, a quarterback should remember where his center is.

Signs of the Times

Some great but sick signs:

In the parking lot of an Alzheimer's clinic: "Please remember where you parked your car."

Near a school, there are signs reading "Entering School Zone. Reduce Speed" and "Leaving School Zone. Resume Speed". Next to them are signs reading "Drug Free Zone" and then later on "Leaving Drug Free Zone. Resume Dealing".

My favorite sign of all time was the international sign of "do not feed your children to the alligators". It was a slash through a stick figure holding a stick child over the water where a stick alligator opened its mouth to eat the stick child.

Make a Beehive For It

One of my favorite childhood memories was of a school teacher who wore a beehive hairdo. In retrospect, I think schools should automatically conduct thorough background searches on any applicant a for school position who wears a beehive hairdo. Yet, when we were young, we didn't think anything at all about the fact that our teacher wore a beehive hairdo, except for the fact that, being children, our thoughts run along the lines such as "look at that psycho with the strange hairdo."

Beehive hairdos have the advantage that you can stick things in them and they'll remain stuck in them. Our teacher, for reasons that make no sense other than the fact she probably was highly psychotic, would stick her pens and pencils in her beehive hairdo. My advice to people with beehive hairdo: having pens and pencils sticking out of your hair generally does not enhance the, err, beauty of such hair.

One day, our teacher with a beehive hairdo went to reach for a pen on her desk, only to discover she could not find any. She immediately assumed that someone had stolen all her pens. She lost it. She started screaming at us, demanding to know who had stolen all her pens. What she didn't realize was all her pens were stuck in her hair. To children, the sight of a psychotic woman with a dozen pens and pencils sticking from a beehive hairdo screaming at us demanding to know where her pens were was the funniest thing we had seen in at least the past hour. The students broke into hilarious laughter. This, of course, did not sit well with our teacher, who could not understand why people were laughing at the idea that her precious pens were missing. This only made her lose it even more and yell louder. Which, in turn, caused the students to laugh even more.

I believe, if you walk past the classroom to this day, the yelling and laughter continues...slowly building louder and louder...and louder.

Granted This Could Get Funny

I always wondered about researchers who get grants to spend several years watching an animal in the animal's natural habitat. I always figured, if it were me, I would win an award to study some rare albino animal and how to adapts to its surroundings, I would be provided two years of substance, and after settling in the depths of the wildnerness with my cameras and blank journals, on my first day of following the albino animal, it’ll get eaten by another animal.

What does one do then? Keep the money and stay in the woods for two years? I think that would make for a lousy research project, and I suspect those who gave the grant would then want their money back. I suppose you could stuff the animal and pose it in various settings, but somehow I doubt that would advance science very much. "Why is the albino always in the exact same pose?" Then again, it might lead to further research grants as the scientific community debates the frozen expression of rare albino animals.

Which reminds me of one of the great scientific minds who figured out how to explain the previously baffling scientific theories of why nature would simultaneously develop two sets of dinosaurs that appear exactly alike except one set was much larger and the other set was much smaller. He became the master of achieving the explanation to this dilemma: the smaller dinosaur bones are the babies and the larger bones are the adults.

Important Information That Might Someday Save Your Life

Even though I have met three people who were in "Poseidon Adventure", I never saw the movie until last night.

I learned a valuable lesson in case I am ever in a sinking ship, who might come in handy as I should be on the Queen Mary 2 later next year.

If you're on a ship and it begins sinking, all women except Shelley Winters are to remove their skirts.

It must be a maritime rule or something.

Writing About Sex to Get Your Attention

I have always wondered what it is that causes two people to connect. Personally, I have found I connect with three types of women: those who agree to go out with me and then cancel before the date, those who agree to go out with me and don't cancel but then don't show up, and those very few who do show up and after a wonderful evening tell me that, although they have successfully hidden their sex addictions, being with me has shown them they don't have to have sex with every man they meet.

Now, I know these women seriously mean this as a compliment, yet let me explain to sex addicted women something about men: telling a man he has cured them of an addiction to sex is not a compliment to a man.

The couple I have always most wondered about is a famed outlaw in Puerto Rico who was hiding for years along with his girlfriend. The newspapers state he first met his girlfriend when he was beheading her father.

Now, how is that possibly a way to meet women? What possible pickup line worked? "Hi, I just killed your father. You want to go out for coffee?" You mean that worked?

Of Biblical Proportions

Cairo is under seige from locust. Press reports stated the locust are "of Biblical proportions". Now, if I ever saw a locust the size of a Bible, I'd leave the place.

In the Bible, there are people reported living several hundreds of years to 1,000 years. Some have suggested there was a mistranslation and it might have made more sense if years instead meant months. Yet, wouldn't it be interesting if humans were actually meant to live for 1,000 years. First, it would kill Mel Brooks's 1,000 man comedy routine because, well, it wouldn't make sense anymore. Perhaps that would explain why we only use 10% of our brains. We are meant to live 90% longer and use the whole brain.

Which proves the point that many have been arguing: we basically are a brainless bunch.

No, He's the College Senior, I'm Not a Senior

Several years ago, when I was a little over 30 years old, an intern and college student named Keith and I were traveling when Keith wanted to run into McDonald's. It was there that I received the realization of how teenagers view anyone over age 30. Keith put in his order and I stated all I wanted was a coffee. The teenager behind the counter repeated the order back to us by restating Keith's order, and then added, as to my order, "and one senior citizen coffee".

NASA Flies Off

The initial test of the NASA X-43A jet that is designed to travel at a speed of 7,000 miles per hour was delayed due to disagreement within the scientists who created the NASA X43A jet. According to one anonymous scientist, "Last thing I remember is, I gave the keys to Joe." In response, another anonymous delcared "I gave the keys back. I have no idea what Ralph did with them afterwards."

Surprisingly, the test went off afterall. According to an anonymous 16 year old as he was being carried away by NASA security, "7,000 miles per hour? That's nothing. I had that baby doing 7,100 miles per hour."

Here's a Tip For You, or Maybe Not

I never know how to tip or what to tip. Part of the problem is: no one will tell you what is expected. We're always told to "tip what you think is appropriate." No, what I want to know is, "what amount of money are you expecting from me so that the next time I ever see you don't do something disguisting to whatever service it is you provide me." I want to see a price list in writing.

No matter what you tip, you feel awful. If you tip too little, people think you're a cheapstake. If you tip too much, people think you're a sucker. If you tip just right, people figure you're just another average customer, so who cares about you?

Why do we tip some people who interact in our lives for seconds, such as a person who carries my luggage a few feet? Frankly, from my home to this hotel room, I did about 90% of the carrying, and quite honestly, I was capable of doing the remaining 10%. And what are they going to do if I don't tip: spit inside my luggage when I'm not looking?

How come we don't tip dental hygenists? Now, this is a person who you spend more time with than most anyone else you tip, and this person is putting sharp instruments inside your body. I think tipping here would be most appropriate. This is when I wish I were a wiseguy. A wiseguy would tip a dental hygenist. "You pay attention and don't hurt me, and there'll be someone in this for you when we're done."

Dyslexic Noel

I saw Deana Martin, the woman whose father Dean could never remember how to spell her name (Dean, Deana: it is hard to figure out how to get from one name to the other). She told how her father sang "Noel" on his television show and (pretended to, I hope) read a mistake on the cue cards and sang "Leon", instead. She thought it was funny. I told her, as my name is Leon, how students came into school the next day and sang "Leon". Her father was a great influence.

Recently, one of my classmates wrote what he most remembered about me: that my name was "Noel" in reverse. Supposedly that was really cool. Unfortunately, I fear that was the coolest thing some classmates believe I ever did.

This Month is Alzheimer's Week

One humorous incident I recall was when I was once reading a friend's publication. His writings included lists of many technical things that probably very people read. If fact, he suspected no one read it, except for this one woman who we suspected was plagaraizing his writings.

Well, I read his stuff. One time, I observed he had written that November had been declared as "Alzheimer's Week". I called asking if he had done this as a prank, knowing that probably no one would ever notice. Unfortunately, he was horrified, because it was an honest mistake. Plus, he was worried that someone might accidentally think he was making fun of people with Alzheimer's. Fortunately, he received no one comments on his mistake.

What was really funny was, when we read the column of the person we suspect plagarizes his material, she included that November has been declared Alzheimer's Week. She not only was plagarizing his stuff, but she didn't even realize when to correct an error.

Now, that was funny.

Beam Me Up Scottie, This Elevator is Going to Hell

A funny thing happened to me once when I was in New Orleans. Keep in mind, this was in New Orleans, which is a city known for its tolerance of various unique kinds of behavior.

I was in a hotel near the French Quarter when I entered an elevator near a top floor with an elderly couple. I was in town attending meetings of the National Conference of State Legislatures. In the hotel was a Star Trek convention, and apparently we were riding the elevator during room hoping hours. As we rode down to the lobby, the elevators stopped at numerous floors where people dressed in Star Trek costumes entered and exited. The elderly couple seemed quite surprised to see all these people in their unique forms of dress.

Eventually, the Trekkies cleared out and the elevator was left with only the elderly couple and me left. The elderly man turned to me and asked "Are you with all those weird people we just saw?"

I reassured him I was not. "I am here for the National Conference of State Legislatures."

Upon hearing this, the old man turned to his wife and proclaimed "this whole town is going to hell."

A Whale of a Good Time

A woman said yesterday that her pregnant friend would probably have an early birth because she is so big. Everyone in the room had the same thought, but no one dared say it: No, your friend was big to begin with. Her being big now has only marginally to be with being pregnant.

It is interesting watching when people think things but don't say them out loud. I recall being at a conference when a person who appeared to weigh about 600 pounds stood up, stated he was from Rhode Island, and started speaking. Someone behind me tapped me on my shoulder and asked "where did he say he was from?"

"Rhode Island", I replied.

I could just see the person taking this information and the brain processing this information. The person later tapped me on the shoulder and asked me "Is Rhode Island "The Whaling State"?'

How Many Lawyers Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

i n t r a n e t --- 2 0 0 4

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.

One to put in a new bulb.

The second to represent the rights of the old bulb.

Three Marriages and a Funeral

The Bush Administration is ushering in a new morality. The acting President they have put in power in Iraq, Ghazi al-Yawa, has three wives (although there are some doubts over the legality of one of the three marriages. It may have been one of the Britney Spears type things where we're not certain if the marriage took.) Well, I am glad the Moral Majority appreciate the insistence upon morality in our actions. I believe selecting Ghazi al-Yawa may have helped Bush with public support in parts of Utah.

Many voters are just glad that the Bush election means an end to any thought of allowing gay marriages. These people can sleep at night knowing that somewhere in their community a gay couple will be unable to legally commit to each other. To them, morality is not whether or not the lowest wage earners in your community can see an increase in their minimum wages. Morality is seeing that a life partner can not be permitted to make medical decisions for a partner when a distant relative will have that right instead. I am certain that will allow many more people to sleep better at night. Their jobs may be outsourced, their health care may become more expensive, but at least those gays down the street can't marry. Is the world a better place when we support multiple marriages in Iraq but not committed unions in America? American has decided: Yes. Sleep tight, and don't let the terrorists with stolen nukes sneaking through our poorly patroled ports bite.

East, Sleep, and Kill, But Not All at Once

I should have realized I was in for trouble when we went to a new restaurant where the sign read "All You Eat for $10". We thought maybe it was run by people who had a poor command of English. No, it was a restaurant of one serving of small portions and a waiter who proclaims, "for ten dollars, that's all you eat."

Which reminds of something totally unrelated. I remember in college when there was a sleepwalker in our building. We were told one is never supposed to awaken a sleepwalker. (Incidentally, and someone please correct me if I am wrong: I have since read it is perfectly fine to awaken a sleepwalker, and in fact one should in case they are potentially in danger. The sleepwalker has diminshed awareness of the surroundings and can be injured. It may take a few seconds for the awakened sleepwalker to regain his or her bearings, but I understand there is little danger to awakening a sleepwalker.) The problem I found was one evening, our sleepwalker was walking around muttering over and over methods he wanted to use to kill me.

Let me tell you, anytime I heard him sleepwalking from then on, I was wide awake! I don't think I slept well all year. In fact, I wish I had known then it was fine to have awakened a sleepwalker. If I can't sleep, neither would he!

Fortunately, during the day, the guy was the nicest guy ever. I don't know what the deepseated murderous thoughts were all about. Which, of course, had me worried. Everyone always says in the press about a killer that "the guy was the nicest guy ever." How come one never reads "that psycho neighbor of mine? From the day he borrowed my rake and never returned it, I knew he'd probably end up in jail someday."

Speaking of murder, I recall one day when the mother of an accused criminal called me and wanted to know why her son wasn't being released from jail. I telephoned the judge's chambers and asked what was up, and they explained that her son was accused of first degree murder and there was no bail. As I then tried to explain to the mother that there is no bail in most first degree murder cases and that her son was not going to be released, she questioned "why not? It's only his first murder."

I think we have a clue as to where this parenting went wrong.

Franco Is Still Dead

Yesterday, the press wrongly announced that Yassar Arafat had died. It appears that the announcement was based on inaccurate exit pollings. As ballots from physicians at the hospital were actually counted, the results began showing different results. NBC was the first network to project that Yassar Arafat was in fact still alive. Fox News reported that not only had Arafat died but that he was risen from the dead. CBS meanwhile reported they had information that Arafat never served in Viet Nam. No one was watching ABC to learn what they were broadcasting. When reached for comment, Chevy Chase responded by confirming that Francisco Franco was still dead.

Maybe a Brilliant Russell Crowe Mind, but Not Body

I overheard some people pointing in my direction once and whispering to each other. One person said "Is that Russell Crowe?" The other person replied "Yes, I think that is Russell Crowe." My momentary delight at having people think I look like Russell Crowe was quickly dashed when I overheard one of them then state "boy, Russell Crowe has really let himself go."

I do get mistaken for Russell Crowe every now and then. Of course, maybe I shouldn't wear a gladiator outfit in public.

Someone once thought I looked like John Nash, which was a real life character played by Russell Crowe. Yes, dear public, actors play only people who looked actually like them. Isn't that incredible?

Now, how do I convince Meg Ryan that I'm Russell Crowe?

Twin Disappointment

Someone asked me if a pair of twins had reached their 21st birthday yet. I asked one if she was 21. She responded "I am, but I'm not certain if my sister is."

Trekkies and Sold Only on Television

You are reading the ONLY blog that lists "William Shatner" as one of the blogger's favorite singers. I feel honored. Seriously, I think William Shatner is doing a great job on "Boston Legal". Someone asked if I am a Trekkie. You mean William Shatner was on "Star Trek"? I learn something every day.

Today's useful information that will improve the life of many readers: If you see a product on television, magazines, or any media advertising itself as "not available in stores", remember this: why won't stores carry it? If a product can't make it in stores where consumers can see it, chances are you don't ever want to see it either.

So, what role did William Shatner have on "Star Trek"?

My Phone Call from Bill Clinton

Yesterday was election day. I received a recorded phone message from my good friend Bill Clinton. As I listened, I wondered if the people sending these calls out ever bothered to listen to this message. The recording had Bill Clinton mentioning to people getting the calls on election day that TOMORROW, the day after the election day, was election day and telling people to vote TOMORROW.

I hope no one took the call's wrong information seriously.

How about the voters who stood in line for hours to vote? With the Bush reelection, it may be good exercise to prepare for standing in unemployment lines.

Jump Like Your Life Depends on It

Trajedy always saddens me. I hate to read about airplane crashes. Yet, each time I read about parachutists perishing in a plane crash, I always wonder: why didn't they just jump?

OsamaBin Laden Has a Job, Do You?

Osama Bin Laden has had steadier employment in the past four years than most Pennsylvanians. The fact Bush did not pay attention to capturing Bin Laden, and the fact that Bush did not pay attention to the large job losses in Pennsylvania means one thing tomorrow: Kerry will carry Pennsylvania.

Get In LIne

The economy may make a difference in this election after all. The winner of the election tomorrow will be determined by turn out: whose voters are more apt to make it to the polls and stand in the long lines and cast their ballots. With two million more unemployed since Bush took office, that means there are two million more voters that don't have to worry about getting to work while standing in line. Guess which candidate they're voting for.

Bring Back the Babe's Curse

I do not believe in curses. I believe sporting events are determined by ability and desire. To claim the Red Sox won baseball's World Championship this year because a curse has been liften diminishes the great athletic ability and determination of the fine Red Sox players.

Yet, I have been told that baseball players are among the most superstitious of people, and curses are fine, even if they don't exist. An old friend of mine, Trish Karter, is among the people credited with breaking the Red Sox by baking "Break the Curse" cookies. I gave one of the cookies to a friend who is a Red Sox fan. The day after the Red Sox won, I emailed him "You ate the cookie, didn't you?" He replied "Wrapper and all."

I now think it would be fun to bring the curse back. Why? Because it would be fun. If people have ideas on how to bring the curse back, please post them here in the reply section.

Is This Spiked?

Yesterday, I received a recorded phone message of Spike Lee telling me to vote Democratic. The message was fine. What I found amusing was after Spike Lee was finished telling me to vote Democratic, a disclaimer followed stating the call was paid for by a nonpartisan group that supports neither candidate nor either political party.

Maybe someone should explain to Spike Lee the definition of nonpartisan.