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Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: January 2013

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Tweets for the Sweets


 ‏@SexiestLyingWit
I hear this inaugural guy mention supporting gay rights, action on climate change, work on gun control. So the Republican guy didn't win?
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2h Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
I just hope that Harbaugh team doesn't win.
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2h Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Lance Armstrong's fake girlfriend slipped him steroids without his knowledge.
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14h Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
See, I took the high road and did not comment on her balling 11 times last night. She may attend as many inaugural balls as she wishes.
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14h Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
I hate it every time my fake girlfriend dies. We need better fake health care.
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17h Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Biden stated he is "proud to be President." Just as I suspected he is planning.
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17h Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
After watching SNL, I have realized that Joe Biden and Mitt Romney are the same person. Wow, what a conspiracy to try and topple Obama!
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18h Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Wow. A billion people saw me on Chinese TV. Now I will feel responsible for any increased hostilities towards Americans.
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18 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
I knew Lance Armstrong back when he was Lance Armflabby.
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6 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
You can buy my writings at Barnes and Noble at almost 4X what http://Amazon.com  charges. Show you're not cheap: buy my stuff at B&N.
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5 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
@geneweingarten You should meet my sister Michael McTchaikovsky.
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Win one for the Gipper, or at least get a tie for the assistant coach with a bad cough. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Nobody puts Baby in a corner, unless she's been bad and needs a time out. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Yer a hairy wizard. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Mrs Robinson, do you want to do to me what I want to do to your daughter? #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
I see dead people. Or, in the case of Bruce Willis, people whose careers are dead. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
To boldly go where no man has ever gone before. Guys, it's called a woman. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
I don't know nothing about birthing babies that are aliens hatching from your stomach. #AwulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Its Chinatown, Jake Gangam Style is in Koreatown. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
You call that a shark? In Australia, we have sharks that can swallow whales whole. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Shaken, not stirred. And a Heineken to go along with it. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
The hills are alive with the sounds of marching Nazis. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Today I feel like the luckiest man near death within a ten foot radius. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Try the Soylent Blue. It is deboned. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
You had me around the fifth paragraph of your opening dialogue. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
The 1st rule of Fight Club is never mention Fight Club, which means since we mentioned it we're no longer members. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
You know how to whistle, don't you? Nah, me neither. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Buy the entire Leon Tchaikovsky collection on Amazon. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Win one for Jack the Ripper. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Frankly my dear, I don't give a Hoover. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
I'll have what she is having, only with mayo on top, beef instead of pork, and no lettuce. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like a victorious class action suit several decades from now. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Go ahead, make my day. And then could you run into my room and make my bed? #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
If you build it, Donald Trump will come and tear it down and put a casino in its place. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
The horror...the horror...and then the rest of the movie gets worse. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
When you shoot an elephant in your pajamas, make sure the elephant is dead, and get your pajamas back. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Mama always said life is like a box of chocolates. You eat them, get fat, puke, and die. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
I'll get you, Paris Hilton, and your little dog, too. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
I ate his liver with some nice lava beans and Thunderbird. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Rosebud. Which is my sled, so I don't confuse anyone. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Use the right click, enter, Luke. #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Stella! Stella! What's your middle name? #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
But my doctoral dissertation was on my analysis of the Bicholmic conflict!
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
For those just beginning to follow the Christmas story, let me warn you: it takes a twist on Good Friday.
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4 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
I want to see the faces of coin collectors upset that they can't afford a trillion dollar coin. Or, see the faces of those who can.
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3 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
NOTICE TO ALL CALIFORNIA WOMEN. Quick, get married, or you can be legally raped. If only this were a joke and not an appeals court decision.
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3 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
@petridishes This is what happens when we as a society fail to adequately regulate fingers.
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3 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
If I only had a nickel for every time Joe Biden told me to "spread your legs you're going to be frisked"....
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3 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
@ReliableSource @InTheLoopWP I can't wait for the Congressional hearings investigating the security breech of a monkey in the U.S. Embassy.
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3 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
That's weird. I have four phone messages from Chris Christie. I think he misdialed me for Speaker Boehner.
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1 Jan Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
I am in the top 92 million on Twitter. Yeah. Take that several billion people behind me.
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31 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Quentin Tarentino went off the fiscal cliff years ago. #OscarsNegativeCampaigning
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31 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Where is Ang Lee's birth certificate? #OscarsNegativeCampaigning
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31 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Anne Hathaway drives with her dog tied to the car roof. #OscarsNegativeCampaigning
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31 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
If there was a war against Christmas, it is my observation that Christmas won.
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31 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Kim Kardashian Baby Raising Tip Number One: Never sit on your baby.
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31 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
A 'Communist Party member (11% approval) is more popular than a member of Congress (9% approval). It is better to be Red than a Rep.
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22 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Amazing. This post-end of the world looks just like the previous world.
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21 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
The world ended. Only Twitter survived. Do not shut down your Twitter, or it will be all over.
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21 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
When you "like" a Facebook death notice, are you saying you are glad the guy died, or are you saying it's well written?
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21 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Dear NRA: Maybe today is the end of your world.
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21 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Now trending: #IllNeverRegretMeeting #GanghamStyle
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21 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
The NRA: "All we are saying, is give the Peacemaker a chance."
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21 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
The "Walking Dead" keeps losing producers. I think zombies got them.
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21 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Later I will be discussing today's end of the world and how this affects the Cubs' chances at winning a World Series.
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21 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
The Mayans now regret hiring Mitt Romney's strategists.
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21 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
If the Mayans are right, does the West Coast get destroyed three hours after the East Coast?
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21 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Raise your hand if you hunt deer with semi-automatic or automatic guns.
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20 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
If the world ends, remember I loved you all. If it does not end, you all suck big time.
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20 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
What do so people care when Mayan Rudolph thinks the world will end?
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20 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Off to see a play tomorrow. If the world ends in the middle of the play, I am going to be very upset.
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20 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
49% still oppose semi-automatic gun ban, because you never know when urban residents will need to go deer hunting with one.
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20 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
If the Mayans are right after all, will Saint Peter will charge us what we owe for falling off the fiscal cliff?
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20 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
@petridishes I do not believe the world is ending in two days. I do believe you still will find some reason not to chat with us on Tuesday.
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20 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Westboro Baptists: You may not be rednecks if even the KKK can't stand you.
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19 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Now trending: "#QuoteYourTeacher: "#WhenWillYouLearn that #MissVenezuala is not from #SouthAfrica"
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19 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
@petridishes I got an A+ in my Humility class. I am the better at being humble than anyone else ever was.
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19 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
I couldn't decide whether or not to take a course on Becoming More Decisive so I audited it.
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19 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Obama should tell the NRA: I'll show my birth certificate when you show your list of donors.
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19 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
@petridishes Maybe a dingo ate the baby.
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19 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
@TheFix @DylanByers I didn't know "Jersey Boys" was performing in the White House.
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19 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
I say we let Texas succeed, then we invade and take Texas back under our terms.
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17 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Westboro "BC" often don't show but gets PR. They thrive on publicity. They have a right to their views. We have the right to ignore them.
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16 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Dear Mayans: the world can't end so long as my Twinkies have not reached their expiration dates.
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16 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
@petridishes I found you by googling "six gnomes gently whispering". Isn't that a major thing people think about all the time?
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13 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
It Twitter is helping to kill newspapers, then the people were not reading the newspapers much.
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13 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Well, that was embarrassing. Kanye West and I wore the exact same skirt last night.
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12 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Got it. #UseOnlyPreviouslyUsedHashTagsOrElseNoOneWillFindYourHashTag
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12 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
@petridishes Lyndon Johnson paraphrased: I just want to see your reaction denying that you married a cow.
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12 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Oh, no. Not only does the Mayan calendar end on Dec. 22 but my own calendar ends on Dec. 31. #TheEndIsNear
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11 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Now trending: #LetsMakeItAwkward by sending #TheClippers to play in #NorthKorea
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11 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
If leaders were paid less than workers, only those who truly wish to lead would become leaders. #WiseThingsThatProbablyWontWork
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11 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
@petridishes What if my robot and I want to marry? My robot is the only thing that ever loved me and I don't care what society says.
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11 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
It was the worse of times. People stopped reading Charles Dickens novels. #12wordnovels
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11 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
If you miss 12-12-12, no big deal. You can catch the next one in 2112.
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11 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Keep Calm and No Carry On: What many airplanes passengers are told before boarding planes.
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10 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
The Amish deny the existence of the "Amish Mafia". It is the Amish Cosa Nostra.
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10 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Now trending: #OneOfMyFavoriteMovies is the one where #Santa spends all day at #Starbucks on #Facebook
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10 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
@MonicaHesse @girlsinthestack I indeed look forward to Monica Hesse's book. May her Amazon sales ranking be six million higher than mine.
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8 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
I did not like the ending of "Lincoln". Why do screenwriters think the way to end a movie is to kill the main character?
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8 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
@michaelworkma13 Thank you for saying "I'm so fine", but I'm not a girl. I am a helicopter cat with bacon taped on him.
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5:42 AM - 8 Dec 12 · Details
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7 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Lost in Space #politicalsitcoms
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7 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
The Twilight Zone #politicalsitcoms
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7 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
To Tell the Truth #politicalsitcoms
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7 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
The Glenn Beck Show #politicalsitcoms
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7 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
The Walking Dead #politicalsitcoms
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7 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Let's Make a Deal #politicalsitcoms
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7 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
I have theater tickets Dec. 22. I hope I see the whole show before the world ends.
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7 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
A charity is auctioning tickets to a free show. I hope those with losing bids realize they can still see the show.
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7 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Now trending: #YouNeedToUnderstandThat #WeCantBeFriends if #GanghamStyle is #Dead
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7 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
@geneweingarten @michaelhayes This fad will likely fad away once it reaches Chivas Regaling.
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7 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
@petridishes Your interview makes me carminative.
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7 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
My "World Ended Yesterday" lecture is Dec. 23. Interesting. No one has registered for it.
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6 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
@MonicaHesse You're lucky. Where I work, someone keeps asking for a live chicken.
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6 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
They should start allowing priests to marry, but incrementally. Just let them first be able to marry each other.
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5 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
Now trending: #HowToReplyToILoveYou probably should not be #ILoveMyPhone
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5 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
@petridishes @HayesBrown The key to success is to never achieve mediocrity.
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4 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
@petridishes The Post lists you for today. This is fine, we'll just camp out outside the Internet for a week.
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4 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
@petridishes Your are tweeting while still a bit late for your 2 pm appointment?
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4 Dec Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit
49% of Republicans think ACORN stole the election. Not the defunct organization, but actual acorns from trees fell and changed the results.
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