"All My Children", aka "and all my great grand children" retires.
about 6 hours ago via web
Delete . "One Life to Live" has used its one life.
about 6 hours ago via web
Delete . New York state government seeks to reduce costs of executions. It would be cheaper to contract the work to organized crime.
about 23 hours ago via web
Delete . On serious side, I hope Charlie Sheen is receiving the help he needs, obtains sobriety, and is a better person. He has talent & needs hope.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011 5:29:02 PM via web
Delete . If you unaware that it was it is uncool to appear at work drunk and demand the boss be fired, you might be Charlie Sheen.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011 5:25:44 PM via web
Delete . Memo to Jim Carrey: This is what happens when you fail to tip your barber.
Monday, April 11, 2011 4:09:44 PM via web
Delete . #yokoQandA What are some things that make you happy?
Friday, April 08, 2011 10:03:09 AM via web
Delete . If Charlie Sheen were with the Mets. he would be buying the rights to "Losing!"
Friday, April 08, 2011 10:01:09 AM via web
Delete . From China: "Thank you for informing us of product defect. The defect has been corrected and the plant manager has been executed."
Wednesday, April 06, 2011 4:06:17 PM via web
Delete . I am a jazz star from Neptune. Can I trademark that expression?
Wednesday, April 06, 2011 9:28:33 AM via web
Delete . Bronx zoo cobra swap with twin a success. Freedom!
Tuesday, April 05, 2011 8:51:49 AM via web
Delete . My condolence to fans of Jackie Chan for your momentarily loss when it was incorrectly announced he had died.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011 2:00:40 PM via web
Delete . LA Times: a cyber attack could make LA water undrinkable in one day. As opposed to what it is now?
Monday, March 28, 2011 1:43:25 PM via web
Delete . The New York Mets: winning 40 or more games every season since 1962.
Monday, March 28, 2011 8:58:37 AM via web
Delete . Anyone else waiting for the news of a cobra bite in a New York area fraternity?
Monday, March 28, 2011 8:57:55 AM via web
Delete . When the flying car goes on sale, I wonder how long it will take for the first DUI and driving while flying case occurs?
Thursday, March 24, 2011 4:13:06 PM via web
Delete . Rand Paul and Ron Paul both may run for President. This will be first time father and son both ran for President since Reagan vs. Mondale.
Thursday, March 24, 2011 4:10:25 PM via web
Delete . The failure of the Bay of Pigs invasion that hoped for a public uprising against Castro: they did not have Facebook back then.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011 11:08:20 AM via web
Delete . Of all the spellings of the Libyan leader's name, I have learned "Gladyappy" is not an acceptable spelling.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011 9:48:31 AM via web
Delete . "a" has 25,270,000,000 Google hits. "The" also has 25,270,000 Google hits. First person to write without "a" or "the" breaks the tie.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011 7:22:58 AM via web
Delete . Beatles: 87,200,000 Google hits. "Jesus Christ:" 1,860,000 Google hits. Maybe John Lennon was right all along? #yokoQandA
Monday, March 21, 2011 6:05:16 PM via web
Delete . Sammy Hagar was abducted by aliens. I can see why they gave him back.
Monday, March 21, 2011 6:00:31 PM via web
Delete . "Michael Jackson": 135,00,000 Google hits. "Jesus Christ:" 1,860,000 Google hits.
Monday, March 21, 2011 8:47:17 AM via web
Delete . "May the road rise up to meet ye. May the wind be at your back." Yeah, they didn't work out so well in Japan.
Thursday, March 17, 2011 9:49:50 AM via web
Delete . Drank the worm on the bottom of the bottle. Ah, cola is supposed to have a worm in it, right?
Thursday, March 17, 2011 8:25:53 AM via web
Delete . Jesus was asked 200 questions yet only answered 3 of them. Today, that would definitely deny you tenure.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011 1:31:45 PM via web
Delete . I wonder if Gilbert Gottfried's career had Aflac insurance.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011 9:08:00 AM via web
Delete . @geneweingarten Gene, are you as beautiful as you are in your Twitter photograph?
Thursday, March 10, 2011 4:29:41 PM via web in reply to geneweingarten
Delete . I am open to product placement deals in my Tweets. Well, off to have some refreshing (product to be named later).
Thursday, March 10, 2011 9:33:28 AM via web
Delete . The good thing for non-Catholics: they can eat all the leftover fasnachts.
Wednesday, March 09, 2011 9:07:21 AM via web
Delete . 30 years ago, ketchup was declared a vegetable. I never knew that: I thought it was a meat byproduct.
Wednesday, March 09, 2011 8:21:48 AM via web
Delete . Huh? washingtonpost One of the world's ugliest creatures apparently never ever gets cancer: http://twitter.com/LeonTchaikovsky
Tuesday, March 08, 2011 12:27:47 PM via web
Delete . Oh, please, let this all be an elaborate publicity stunt for "Two and a Half Men".
Tuesday, March 08, 2011 11:04:24 AM via web
Delete . If DNA shows I have tigers blood, does that mean Charlie Sheen is my father?
Monday, March 07, 2011 4:48:16 PM via web
Delete . Why do we assume UFOs are coming to research humans? I think fish, trees, and armadillos would be far more interesting.
Monday, March 07, 2011 9:32:13 AM via web
Delete . Who will be deposed first as the ruler of his kingdom: Gaddafi or Charlie Sheen?
Thursday, March 03, 2011 9:08:46 AM via web
Delete . We need to understand people with mental difficulties and addictions and realize they need support and time. Although, the jokes are funny..
Thursday, March 03, 2011 9:07:19 AM via web
Delete . My TV series concept about a group of brilliant TV show critics may not get good ratings, but it will get great reviews.
Wednesday, March 02, 2011 9:53:20 AM via web
Delete . Is there any possibility of a cast album of the play "Lennon" being released? Also, has anyone ever recorded the song "India"? #yokoQandA
Friday, February 25, 2011 4:37:46 PM via web
Delete . @CharlieSheen You know you are in trouble when you sound worse sober than when you are drunk.
Friday, February 25, 2011 8:36:37 AM via web
Delete . My staff wants me to resign my seat in Congress. I keep telling them: I am not a member of Congress.
Friday, February 25, 2011 8:33:01 AM via web
Delete . It does not bother me that "Hitler" is following me. It bothers me that I am one of only seven people he is following.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011 10:08:46 AM via web
Delete . Good news is the doctor says the leg can be saved. Bad news is the rest of me has to go.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011 4:53:12 PM via web
Delete . What can one do to make life more beautiful? #yokoQandA
Tuesday, February 08, 2011 11:06:25 AM via web
Delete . Mick Jagger is 67 today, and he wishes to remind everyone not to trust anyone over age 70.
Friday, February 04, 2011 11:10:44 AM via web
Delete . I believe all are connected and how we thinks affects how others behave. Would you please add a thought for peace? #yokoQandA
Friday, February 04, 2011 10:05:55 AM via web
Delete . Rough dentist appointment. I may have disclosed location of a sleeper cell.
Friday, February 04, 2011 9:58:12 AM via web
Delete . @Molly23 Did you know "B.C." postdates modern society? Those modern references are historical, not ironic.
Wednesday, February 02, 2011 11:55:03 AM via web
Delete . And when the groundhog can't dig his way through the ice, it seems a long winter is still ahead.
Wednesday, February 02, 2011 11:37:38 AM via web
Delete . Forget Jim Carney, I want to see Jim Carrey as White House Press Secretary.
Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:19:18 PM via web
Delete . Taylor Swift sad she broke up with Jake Gyllenhaal, but glad because she will get a new song out of it.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011 10:57:39 AM via web
Delete . Scientists warn superstorm could destroy much of California. That and the midseason replacement TV shows.
Monday, January 17, 2011 4:26:07 PM via web
Delete . Brett Favre is retiring. Wait, I already tweeted this last year.
Monday, January 17, 2011 4:23:45 PM via web
Delete . It is snowing? Singing "I'm dreaming of a white Martin Luther King Day" can get someone in trouble.
Monday, January 17, 2011 10:41:54 AM via web
Delete . Study show 99% of pregnant women contain harmful chemicals. Avoid pregnant women at all costs.
Friday, January 14, 2011 10:23:07 AM via web
Delete . If you could say something positive to someone in emotional pain, what would you say? #yokoQandA
Friday, January 14, 2011 9:37:02 AM via web
Delete . Yes, stars moved two astrological signs over 2,000 years. So your fake futures are the wrong fake ones. That's life, not.
Friday, January 14, 2011 9:32:31 AM via web
Delete . Happy birthday to Wikipedia, where I learned that John Siegenthaler assassinated President Kennedy.
Thursday, January 13, 2011 6:08:30 PM via web
Delete . Remember being told as a kid while licking ice cream bowl that someone I would make a woman very happy. Years later, realized what it meant
Thursday, January 13, 2011 3:59:40 PM via web
Delete . People who are against increased civility should be flogged.
Thursday, January 13, 2011 12:28:26 PM via web
Delete . Fan at game next to me holding sign reading "Ezekile 23: 19-20". I am worried.
Thursday, January 13, 2011 10:59:33 AM via web
Delete . Is it more embarassing to have it known you are suing a penis enhancement company, or that the case is sent to small claims courts?
Wednesday, January 12, 2011 10:36:31 AM via web
Delete . San Francisco announces opening of first gay museum. They obviously have never been to a museum before.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011 10:34:49 AM via web
Delete . @SarahKSilverman You give a child what you can. The rule for all parents to remember: whatever you do, it will be wrong.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011 9:19:19 AM via web in reply to SarahKSilverman
Delete . Dear Justin Bieber fans. we are not dating, please cease death threats. Thank you.
Thursday, January 06, 2011 1:37:24 PM via web
Delete . Shazaam, the freaking Pennsylvania State Police will no longer arrest people for yelling fluffing obscenities.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011 5:06:43 PM via web
Delete . To the person who wrote stating that my tweets saved his life, thank you for being my imaginary friend.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011 9:17:35 AM via web
Delete . Our condolenses to fans of Avril Lavigne, whose false reported death may have made her the first celebrity in 2011 to not be dead afterall.
Sunday, January 02, 2011 12:12:00 PM via web
Delete . And a shout out to my close, personal friends Nancy Irish, Annie Shepard, and Maria Cuenca Alonso. Wassup?
Sunday, January 02, 2011 12:05:08 PM via web
Delete . Of course, as long as famous composer Andrew Carroll is following me, then life is good.
Sunday, January 02, 2011 12:02:50 PM via web
Delete . Wow, football star Matthew Hatchette followed me for less than a day. I feel honored, sort of.
Sunday, January 02, 2011 12:00:53 PM via web
Delete . @SethMacFarlane You think you have it bad? I'm still writing 2009 on my checks.
Saturday, January 01, 2011 6:08:06 PM via web in reply to SethMacFarlane
Delete . I was going to wish everyone a happy 1-1-11 at 11:11, but I don't feel like staying up that late.
Saturday, January 01, 2011 6:06:59 PM via web
Delete . I have learned that most Florida Gator fans have no idea what a Gator is.
Saturday, January 01, 2011 10:34:59 AM via web
Delete . I have learned that most Penn State Nittany Lion fans have no idea what a Nittany is.
Saturday, January 01, 2011 10:33:48 AM via web
Delete . In Pittsburgh, they put their whiskey shots right into their Four Lockos.
Saturday, January 01, 2011 10:31:44 AM via web
Delete . I'll order the kosher ham and cheese sandwich.
Saturday, January 01, 2011 10:29:19 AM via web
Delete . I wonder if I can find Georgia style lox and bagels?
Saturday, January 01, 2011 10:25:15 AM via web
Delete . Saw an "authentic New Jersey sandwich" store in Georgia. Huh? Even in New Jersey there are no authentic New Jersey sandwiches.
Saturday, January 01, 2011 10:19:37 AM via web
Delete . #yokoQandA Why do people want to deny the ability of others to be happy? Thank you for supporting gay marriage.
Friday, December 31, 2010 10:45:02 AM via web
Delete . Inn a dyslexic world, God would have tortured Michael Vick.
Thursday, December 30, 2010 3:24:18 PM via web
Delete . Remind me to cancel that Michael Vick jersey I ordered for Tucker Carlson.
Thursday, December 30, 2010 3:07:32 PM via web
Delete . It is too early for 2011, I am still writing 2009 on my checks.
Thursday, December 30, 2010 3:05:56 PM via web
Delete . Remembering Adam Sandler, Aretha Franklin, and other celebrities whose deaths this past year were reported in error.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010 1:19:19 PM via web
Delete . Time for a new Danny DeVito show: "It's a Freaking Blizzard in Philadelphia".
Tuesday, December 28, 2010 8:55:00 AM via web
Delete . Vikings game moved 3 straight weeks. Forget global warming, I think the Vikings are the reason for all this bad weather.
Monday, December 27, 2010 1:06:27 PM via web
Delete . Saw "Rain". Loved it, except when the actor playing Ringo fell 30 feet.
Monday, December 27, 2010 11:12:13 AM via web
Delete . I always thought the teen birthrate was zero. I've never heard of anyone giving birth to a teenager.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010 12:06:41 PM via web
Delete . Governor fined $60,000 for accepting free Yankees tickets. Still cost less than what the Yankees charge for tickets.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010 10:03:06 AM via web
Delete . Human executions now use drug to euthanize animals. Instead of death penalty, convicts will be sent to a farm upstate.
Friday, December 17, 2010 1:08:02 PM via web
Delete . Wait, how may I threaten to release secrets and get manion arrest? I want to be sentenced to live in a mansion. Please.
Friday, December 17, 2010 12:44:35 PM via web
Delete . @geneweingarten New York eatery does not want toilet paper to be flushed. http://www.flickr.com/photos/54504406@N04/5218624947/
Friday, December 17, 2010 9:10:36 AM via web
Delete . Founder of Facebook is Man of the Year. Founder of MySpace gets a footnote in a blog.
Thursday, December 16, 2010 5:16:54 PM via web
Delete . Yes, Viriginia, there is a Santa Clause. And he only gives toys to children in West Virginia.
Thursday, December 16, 2010 9:39:08 AM via web
Delete . According to the Castle Doctrine, this is going to be Santa's last year.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010 5:53:12 PM via web
Delete . I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause, and boy, did daddy look angry.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010 9:15:37 AM via web
Delete . Just as my mother feared: I bought a BB gun video game and I accidentally shot my avatar's eye out.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:02:17 AM via web
Delete . Mikle Gravel to run again for President. Question of the day: Will he throw another rock into another pond?
Thursday, December 09, 2010 5:50:05 PM via web
Delete . Her parents were firm but firm. When they spanked her, they always respected her safe word.
Monday, December 06, 2010 8:52:41 AM via web
Delete . Its a journalistic scandal to name every scandal -gate. I call this journalistic scandal Gategate.
Sunday, December 05, 2010 12:04:12 PM via web
Delete . Then in "Field of Dreams": If you build it, they will come." Today in Qatar: "If they come, we will build it."
Friday, December 03, 2010 9:40:26 AM via web
Delete . Thank you, Rosa Parks, for paving the way to allow Caucasians to take seats in the back of the bus.
Thursday, December 02, 2010 9:21:09 AM via web
Delete . Am I ever embarassed. All day long, I thought it was World Lunacy Day. Turns out it is World Literacy Day.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010 9:19:03 AM via web
Delete . I'm writing a sequel. Can't say what movie, but the working title is "Puke. Swear. Sex."
Wednesday, December 01, 2010 8:52:48 AM via web
Delete . Today I will join the celebrity Twitter silence and I will not tweet. Oh, wait....nuts.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010 8:47:44 AM via web
Delete . Tomorrow is celebrity quit Twitter. So, my three followers, shall I join them?
Tuesday, November 30, 2010 6:55:07 AM via web
Delete . Memo to cops: The time to check Willie Nelson's bus is to make sure he is OK when you DON'T smell pot.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010 6:53:04 AM via web
Delete . There is a shortage of the knock out drug for executions. States will now have people drink three Four Lockos before they are executed.
Monday, November 29, 2010 2:25:05 PM via web
Delete . OK, the Pope says I may use a condom, but I have to first become a male prostitute?
Monday, November 22, 2010 10:50:08 AM via web
Delete . Let's make Hank Stuever happy. Did you prefer cabs, ever take the subway, where did you see movies, art, theater? #YokoQandA
Sunday, November 21, 2010 4:12:33 PM via web
Delete . Glad you like "Gasland". Living in NYC, which does not have a water filtration system, are you worried about the water quality? #YokoQandA
Sunday, November 21, 2010 12:30:08 PM via web
Delete . I don't mind the TSA patdown, but why do I have to wear the dogcollar and bark like a dog on all fours?
Friday, November 19, 2010 9:59:17 AM via web
Delete . Down to three followers, who I don't even know if they read me. If I tweet and no one reads it, does my typing still make a sound?
Tuesday, November 16, 2010 9:22:23 AM via web
Delete . @JodyneL Since you tweeted that to your 1,626 followers, I am sure you now have lots of people wanting to see if you'll like them better.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010 1:42:18 PM via web in reply to JodyneL
Delete . Remember, MSNBC, no contributions to candidates, unlike Fox News, which simply hires the candidates.
Saturday, November 06, 2010 3:43:38 PM via web
Delete . I wonder if my signed first edition copy of the Bible is a fake or not.
Tuesday, November 02, 2010 2:06:55 PM via web
Delete . Alcohol is more harmful than crack or heroin. Take that, you wimpy crack heads and heroin addicts.
Monday, November 01, 2010 3:17:02 PM via web
Delete . Bought my tombstone. It will read "Maybe Philadelphia isn't a bad alternative after all."
Sunday, October 31, 2010 2:27:47 PM via web
Delete . Wow, this Stewart-Colbert rally is a bust. Looks like I'm the only one who showed up. #rally4sanity #keepfearalive
Sunday, October 31, 2010 11:01:35 AM via web
Delete . @carolynhennesy Thank you for being a real follower. After 184 tweets, it is good to have one or two actual people following you.
Saturday, October 30, 2010 11:19:07 AM via web
Delete . After partying with Charlie Sheen, I dreamed I was at a Charlie Chaplin premiere talking on my cell phone. Weird: I don't own a cell phone.
Thursday, October 28, 2010 5:45:37 PM via web
Delete . Billy Ray and Tish Cyrus fight for custody of Miley. "You take her". "No, you take her."
Thursday, October 28, 2010 10:33:38 AM via web
Delete . @SarahKSilverman You could always get a nine month medical marijuana prescription, wake up, and go "woa, where did this come from?"
Wednesday, October 27, 2010 10:07:49 AM via web in reply to SarahKSilverman
Delete . My sister wants to lead a purely religious life. I am worried. She quotes Ezekiel 16:17 as her inspiration.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010 10:05:46 AM via web
Delete . The Telephone Directory freaks me out: all those names, all those numbers, what does it all mean? #booksthatfreakedmeout
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 5:44:45 PM via web
Delete . Crucifix? At our age, we're lucky we can see Frankenstein. @FreeLogBunny
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 5:31:33 PM via web
Delete . What was funny was the only time I screamed during Horror Nights was when I came across a Jay Leno poster.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 5:30:37 PM via web
Delete . Borgnine says the chairs looks like it is glowing. Get your #FreeLogBunny before they go up in price.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 5:25:07 PM via web
Delete . Jesus, how do you expect us to know that? Jesus is my answer. #FreeLogBunny
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 5:00:16 PM via web
Delete . By the way, I have been to Horror Nights, and I recommend it to all. I especially love watching gangsta wannabes scream like little girls.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 4:51:30 PM via web
Delete . @HorrorNights I am old, senile, and dyslexic. Don't make me get Ernest Borgnine after you. Came late, adding #FreeLogBunny for lower costs
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 4:49:55 PM via web in reply to HorrorNights
Delete . @HorrorNights Horror movies filmed on Stage 38: Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Raven, and most frightening of all, Gigli (just kidding).
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 4:44:41 PM via web in reply to HorrorNights
Delete . Anyone remember when the reunion of those of us who worked on filming the moon landing in Burbank, I mean NASA, is going to be?
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 11:16:49 AM via web
Delete . As a former Philadelphian, I have picked for my tombstone to read "At least I'm not in Philadelphia."
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 11:12:22 AM via web
Delete . I am not a witch. I am you. A couch potato who vaguely has a clue. Elect me your Senator or I will separate your church from your state.
Monday, October 25, 2010 3:32:22 PM via web
Delete . I have to confess, but everytime I see a guy with a guy kicking down the cockpit door, I get nervous.
Sunday, October 24, 2010 12:53:47 PM via web
Delete . Harry Pothead and the Philosopher's Stoned #sadchildrensbooks
Saturday, October 23, 2010 7:46:17 PM via web
Delete . My Twitter value is $0.92, according to http://www.twalue.com ... What about yours? #twalue
Sunday, October 17, 2010 12:40:18 PM via Twalue
Delete . Studies show marijuana harms monkey, but not human, brain cells. Thus, DO NOT SHARE YOUR POT WITH YOUR PET MONKEY,
Sunday, October 17, 2010 12:27:56 PM via web
Delete . Was bread the greatest invention before sliced bread?
Wednesday, October 13, 2010 1:51:48 PM via web
Delete . Two candidates for President, so far: Naked Cowboy and Donald Trump. Wait, are we certain they aren't the same person?
Tuesday, October 05, 2010 3:36:52 PM via web
Delete . Chelsea Handler, date me instead. I have more to offer. Signed, Leon aka Six Dimes.
Tuesday, October 05, 2010 11:49:46 AM via web
Delete . Naked Cowboy on Times Square to declare for President. The real issue: will Times Square allow opponents equal time?
Monday, October 04, 2010 6:43:36 PM via web
Delete . Today is International Nonviolence Day. No hitting, use only hand gestures.
Saturday, October 02, 2010 10:14:50 AM via web
Delete . Thank you Stephen Cannell. It was great reading and watching your works.
Friday, October 01, 2010 4:59:41 PM via web
Delete . @AlbertHaynesworth. Ah, to be so rich I can wait awhile until I feel like depositing a $21 million check.Careful don't accidentally wash it.
Friday, October 01, 2010 2:52:59 PM via web
Delete . You know life is off tilt when you find yourself saying "that's no sex offender, that's my wife."
Friday, October 01, 2010 9:22:09 AM via web
Delete . Farewell, Tony Curtis, one of the greats. Thank you for everything.
Thursday, September 30, 2010 6:19:31 PM via web
Delete . I don't trust Michael Vick's work ethic. I fear he's dogging it.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010 3:32:23 PM via web
Delete . Anyone else remember when when the print media had foreign correspondents instead of Lindsay Lohan correspondents?
Wednesday, September 29, 2010 3:23:48 PM via web
Delete . Has anyone else noticed that every Formspring question can amusingly be answered by "your mother"?
Wednesday, September 29, 2010 3:18:48 PM via web
Delete . @SethMacFarlane Thanks for keeping the memory of Paul Lynde alive, even if young viewers today don't know it. (Should we tell them?)
Monday, September 27, 2010 10:18:35 AM via web in reply to SethMacFarlane
Delete . Maybe Katy Perry shouldn't have sung "I Kissed a Girl" with Bert and Ernie.
Friday, September 24, 2010 9:13:48 PM via web
Delete . Japan turns away both Paris Hilton and me...well, me, because Japan costs too much for me to go there.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010 5:16:09 PM via web
Delete . This is the last day in my life so far.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010 5:15:35 PM via web
Delete . I did not fail my drug test, I am not on probation. I take full responsibility for this failure in public relations.
Sunday, September 19, 2010 4:23:56 PM via web
Delete . Tomorrow is Mushroom Growers Day. Yes, a day to celebrate working in manure all day long. I believe many can sympathize.
Friday, September 17, 2010 2:33:27 PM via web
Delete . It is a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing Lady Gaga's outfit (to retread an old "Cheers" joke).
Tuesday, September 14, 2010 5:24:17 PM via web
Delete . @SarahKSilverman If your finger is turning yellow, you should tell it to man up and stop being a coward, partner.
Monday, September 13, 2010 7:32:27 AM via web in reply to SarahKSilverman
Delete . RIP: Elvis Presley, 70, North Dakota gas station owner and one time noted singer.
Thursday, September 09, 2010 5:30:05 PM via web
Delete . CEO of National Lampoon sentenced to jail for inflating the value of the magazine. Seems "I was only joing" is not a legal defense.
Thursday, September 09, 2010 11:50:57 AM via web
Delete . Why is the only transgendered Congressional candidate in opposition to gay marriage? Don't marry the other sex before the operation.
Sunday, September 05, 2010 3:12:19 PM via web
Delete . Memo to NORML: when advising members to contact elected officials re: legalization of pot, advise them to wait until they are sober.
Monday, August 30, 2010 3:43:45 PM via web
Delete . @jimmyfallon Yo, you steal jokes from tweets? Take my jokes, please.
Thursday, August 26, 2010 3:25:02 PM via web in reply to jimmyfallon
Delete . As many people admit to driving while drunk as believe Obama is a Muslim. Is there a connection?
Thursday, August 26, 2010 1:37:52 PM via web
Delete . Where is the People for the Ethical Treatment for Vegetables?. What of the billions of vegetables slaughtered every year?
Thursday, August 26, 2010 10:05:48 AM via web
Delete . Obama buys a copy of "To Kill a Mockingbird". PETA is protesting.
Thursday, August 26, 2010 10:02:54 AM via web
Delete . @geneweingarten Also, what am I doing? I have 136 tweets and 3 followers, down from 6. If I tweet do I make a sound?
Thursday, August 26, 2010 9:41:52 AM via web
Delete . @geneweingarten Maybe she looked better before she began playing with her toy?
Thursday, August 26, 2010 9:39:21 AM via web in reply to geneweingarten
Delete . "Cathy" to stop before cartoonist runs out of ideas. Sorry, too late.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010 1:04:46 PM via web
Delete . Remember NFL players, no tweeting during games. Especially don't tweet in the middle of a play while playing.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010 1:04:10 PM via web
Delete . So, how long do you think I have before I catch up to Lady Gaga in number of followers? Anyone? Anyone?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010 5:28:45 PM via web
Delete . I hear there is going to be a Hello Kitty: Claws of Death maze. Justin Bieber will portray a psycho killer cat. Lindsay Lohan as herself.
Friday, August 13, 2010 5:24:30 PM via web
Delete . @HorrorNights Any idea when Hollywood Horror Night tickets go on sale? I am looking forward to it.
Thursday, August 12, 2010 9:20:14 AM via web in reply to HorrorNights
Delete . There is a betting ring on college students' GPAs. I await the first taking dive on finals payola scandal.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010 5:25:01 PM via web
Delete .geneweingarten I have reached a conclusion. It will be controversial, but I am correct and am prepared to defend it. Retweeting is rude.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010 8:40:25 PM via web from Capitol Hill, Washington
Retweeted by you and 7 others
Reply Retweeted (Undo) . Pop Tarts World opens on 42nd Street. Ironically, there used to a store named that back when it was the red light district.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010 9:21:39 AM via web
Delete . @Molly23 Have you tried the restaurant next to the place that buys "cats too"?
Friday, July 30, 2010 4:48:34 PM via web in reply to Molly23
Delete . @geneweingarten No, you first.
Friday, July 30, 2010 10:40:40 AM via web in reply to geneweingarten
Delete . To refudiate or not to refudiate, that is the question.
Monday, July 19, 2010 1:07:14 PM via web
Delete . Shout out to New Media Film Festival: http://www.actorsreporter.com/2010/columnists/first-annual-new-media-film-fesstival-part-2/
Monday, July 19, 2010 10:26:00 AM via web
Delete . George W Bush autobiography is $350 for an autographed copy; $400 without the autograph.
Thursday, July 15, 2010 2:00:47 PM via web
Delete . 21st century Big Brother: I'll let you keep your guns so long as you don't want health care.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010 12:34:39 PM via web
Delete . If LeBron will choose to play in Pittsburgh, they promise they will actually get a team.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010 5:13:41 PM via web
Delete . There is a new fetish:BPSM. It is for people who want to smack around BP.
Thursday, July 01, 2010 9:11:41 AM via web
Delete . 6% approve of BP. Of those who approve of BP, 93% of them can't spell BP.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010 3:17:31 PM via web
Delete . @buzzbissinger Hey, I like you, so I guess I lose out on all those signed copies. I have a signed FNL, so, nothing you need to do.
Monday, June 28, 2010 9:28:46 AM via web in reply to buzzbissinger
Delete . @geneweingarten, @buzzbissinger. Forget Lincoln-Douglas. We want to see you debate each other.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010 10:19:47 AM via web
Delete . My parents wanted to name me Elvis Presley. If only...I'd probably have had a great singing career.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010 4:44:53 PM via web
Delete . As Al explained it to Tipper, love means never having to say you're sorry.
Sunday, June 06, 2010 5:22:43 PM via web
Delete . Woody Allen defending Polanski is like Charlie Manson being a character witness for David Berkowitz.
Monday, May 17, 2010 9:37:16 AM via web
Delete . Help make Sarah Silverman a host of "Saturday Night Live": http://sarahsilvermansnl.blogspot.com/
Monday, May 10, 2010 2:50:57 PM via web
Delete . I want to go to a Phillies game. I want the whole experience: the game, the crowd, having someone vomit on me, and getting tasered.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010 2:29:55 PM via web
Delete . Drat: I bid $104,999,999 for a Picasso and someone outbid me by one dollar.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010 2:28:41 PM via web
Delete . @OzzieOsbourne. Relax, they're paperweights. The rest of her is in the other room.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010 5:24:22 PM via web
Delete . Found $99 airfare. Only catch: it will cost $1,000 for my luggage.
Monday, April 19, 2010 1:39:46 PM via web
Delete . @ChelseaHandler: When offered sobriety or breathalyzer test, do not ask cop "will the breathalyzer detect marijuana?"
Monday, April 19, 2010 9:52:19 AM via web
Delete . Why don't Liz Taylor and Larry King get it over with and marry each other?
Friday, April 16, 2010 9:22:25 AM via web
Delete . Told speaker to imagine her audience naked. Problem was, she looked at the audience and couldn't stop laughing.
Friday, April 16, 2010 9:21:36 AM via web
Delete . @TeaPartyPennsylvania. Sorry, but moving the tax protest to Saturday does not also move the tax filing deadline. Good try, though.
Thursday, April 15, 2010 10:50:39 AM via web
Delete . Received another census form: reported another couple thousand cousins living me. I may have my own legislative district in my house.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010 9:55:05 AM via web
Delete . I declared several thousand illegal immigrants throughout my house on my census: doing my part for more Federal funds.
Friday, April 02, 2010 11:04:23 AM via web
Delete . This Twitter account has been approved by the government for an EnergyStar designation.
Friday, March 26, 2010 9:23:39 AM via web
Delete . Why do so many people have public Facebook and Twitter accounts and then have unlisted phone numbers?
Thursday, March 18, 2010 12:53:51 PM via web
Delete . @HorrorNights I missed Chucky. Of course, to say anything good about him would be insulting to him, so, yes, I miss the no good rotten jerk.
Saturday, February 20, 2010 1:45:45 PM via web in reply to HorrorNights
Delete . Re: Brangelina. I am shocked to learn that the British press may have actually gotten a story wrong.
Monday, January 25, 2010 6:00:02 PM via web
Delete . @Johnny Depp. Glad you are feeling better after dying. That dying can boost a career but it limits new job offers,
Monday, January 25, 2010 9:00:21 AM via web
Delete . @AngelinaJolie: Hey, everything is alright, Just what? I'm available. That weird guy years ago with that strange smell, that was me!
Sunday, January 24, 2010 10:58:15 AM via web
Delete . @JeffZucker: You've already kept me off the air for 3 1/2 years. Time to let me on the air, OK, huh, huh?
Thursday, January 14, 2010 1:04:51 PM via web
Delete . Hello, phone, you're my bitch. http://soundsfunny.blogspot.com/2010/01/when-you-are-phoning-in-sex.html
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 5:56:44 PM via web
Delete . My area code will run out of numbers in 2012. The Mayan calendar is right afterall: it all comes to an end if you can't get a phone.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 5:54:53 PM via web
Delete . @Molly23 "Warren Gamialiel Harding" by Al Stewart. Can't get more "on the nose" than that song.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010 9:16:48 AM via web in reply to Molly23
Delete . Warren Beatty, your true number is 12,744 and my Uncle Bob, who hid it well.
Friday, January 08, 2010 5:18:44 PM via web
Delete . If Warren Beatty can get all the women he bedded to buy his new book, it will be an instant best seller.
Monday, January 04, 2010 9:29:59 AM via web
Delete . Woman gave all 4 daughers same first name. She says she tells them apart by calling them by their last names.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009 9:08:21 AM via web
Delete . Give Courtney Love credit. She at least remembers she has a daughter.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009 9:53:23 AM via web
Delete . Loneliness is contagious? No wonder the more friends I have the lonlier I get. Some friends. "Stay away from her: she has loneliness."
Tuesday, December 01, 2009 4:45:53 PM via web
Delete . If the world ends in 2012, we have to seriously ask ourselves: should we move up the Iowa Caucus?
Sunday, November 15, 2009 1:30:25 PM via web
Delete . @geneweingarten I keep the spambots. They and the telemarketers are my only friends in the world.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009 4:51:36 PM via web in reply to geneweingarten
Delete . If I tweet in the woods, does it make a sound, especially if I type really softly?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009 12:30:41 PM via web
Delete . @geneweingarten I am close to being a solipsist. I have just five followers, none of whom I know, and I suspect all five are spammers.
12:29 PM Nov 10th, 2009 via web in reply to geneweingarten
Delete . @HorrorNights Good idea to expand the tram. Of course, one of the most fearful rides is LA rush hour, but your terror tram is much better.