Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: September 2005

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Book Review: "Countdown to Terror"

You are a member of Congress and, for a Republican, a fairly intelligent one. You are Vice Chairman of the Armed Services Committee. You call the CIA and tell them you have a source you believe is credible who claims Iran is planning on killing many Americans citizens. The CIA listens to you because, after all, you vote on their funding, and they decide to ignore your warnings. What do you do about this? You write a book. Thus, “Countdown to Terror” by Pennsylvania’s own Rep. Curl Weldon has resulted.

Incredibly, much of this book confirms what many critics of the Bush Administration have been saying all along: Iran is a threatening power in their region who supports terrorist operations and who seek dominance amongst their neighbors. Bush’s father and the Reagan Administration had policies of guaranteeing a balance of power between Iran and Iraq. Our policies have allowed Iran and its terrorist influences to expand in power and in threat.

While the book is highly critical of current policies, Weldon fails to fault the source of these decisions: the Bush Administration. He does fault Bush’s newly appointed CIA Director, and Weldon does properly note that it has been devastating that the CIA now produces reports that support current policies rather than concentrating on obtaining the facts needed to make proper judgments. Unfortunately, Weldon again fails to find fault with the originator of these failed policies, which is the Bush Administration.

Granted, Curt Weldon is a Republican Member of Congress, so he probably does not wish to burn his bridges with President Bush. He does find room to use the tactic that many Republicans use, and that is fault President Clinton. In doing so, he minimizes the value of his own message by making his comments partisan. He would have been better had he chosen to either make a bipartisan critique or to keep his analysis above politics.

A major problem with the book is it fails to explore logical explanations as to why the CIA would discount Rep. Weldon’s source, a man he calls “Ali”. The author claims that “simply put, the United States at this moment cannot afford to become entangled in war against Iran. The intelligence community may fear that this is precisely what could happen by working with Ali”. This does not appear to a valid reason for the CIA to discount Ali’s messages if in fact they are credible as, if Weldon is correct, ignoring the warnings could lead to devastation within America.

The message Ali delivers in this book, if correct, are truly frightening. Ali and Weldom believe the terrorist groups of Al Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, Islamic Jihad, Sepah Badr, Sepah and Ansar Islam have united into one large coordinated organization. Ali claims Iran has 45 suicide pilots planning to crash a planes into several targets, including a nuclear power plant. It is not logical that the CIA would not consider these as important messages. What the book does not tell is what is logical: the CIA does not find Rep. Weldon’s source Ali as credible. Indeed, when Rep. Weldon describes Ali as a former high ranking government official in the Shah of Iran’s Administration, one wonders how much the current Iranian government would trust and share with an official from the government they overthrew. The motivations of a critic who originated from the political opposition should be questioned, even if he still has access to the current Iranian government, as the author claims.

Ali also warns that Iran is close to developing a nuclear weapon and is trying to buy an atomic bomb from North Korea. He further states that Iran is behind much of the insurgency in Iraq, which may have some merit as Iran and Iraq have fought vicious wars and Iran surely wishes to influence Iraq’s future at a time of disarray in Iraq. Another claim is that Osama Bid Laden is, or at least was, hiding in Iran, which might at least explain why our forces haven’t been able to find him in Afghanistan or Pakistan. Ali predicted Yasser Arafat would be assassinated, and there is debate as to whether or not that was his fate. Ali also provides interesting facts about Iran, such as their terrible roads that lead to 15,000 deaths annually.

Ali claims that Khameni, Iran’s spiritual and political leader, has stated that Mahdi, the Iman who in Shiite theology will come back to Earth to destroy infidels, told him in a dream to strike the United States within its boundaries. The book then curiously includes a hand written letter from Ali, which is not a good way to protect a source should he in fact be betraying his Iranian government.

The book makes for interesting reading for thought and debate. Whether it is credible, whether the CIA is correct, or perhaps whether our intelligence community secretly finds this credible but refuses to state so publicly, is open for discussion. What is certain is that the warnings are serious. We just don’t know if they are credible.

Friday, September 16, 2005

The Following Has Been Deleted and Does Not Exist

I deleted a comment from this blog. As a believer in my right to freely express what I want, I want it clearly understood that the freedom of expression has limits. If your expression drowns out my expression, it is prohibited.

There is very little that will be deleted. If you post something libelous, I will not delete it. If you post something libelous and the person finds out about it and complains, I will not delete it. If you post something libelous and the person finds out about it, complains, and then sues me, it’s gone faster than you can say nolo contender.

Actually, the guilt has gotten to me, so I will make a confession. It was a posting from a fan from Nigeria. It seems this reader has a million dollars in a deceased’s relative account but he can’t move the money out of the country. Fortunately, as an American, I can claim the money under American law with a $15,000 deposit. We will then split the money when I get it. To ensure that I am credit worthy for the $15,000, I provided the reader with my credit card numbers and bank account numbers. Plus, he is so nice, I sent him a bottle of Scotch.

I am sorry to have deprived another reader of this opportunity. I know I acted selfishly. That’s just the way things go.

You Can't Have a Rational Conversation with Irrational People

For those of you too lazy to hit the link on the headline, here is the Irrational Injurer so far:

Despite Giving Birth, Britney Spears is Still a Virgin
Britney Spears continues to deny all rumors that she is pregnant, according to the press releases we finally got around to reading. “Just because a child came out of her body doesn’t mean she’s pregnant”, explained someone who claims to be associated either with Ms. Spears or broccoli spears, “in fact, it’s a scienceticial fact that once you’re given birth, you ain’t no longer pregnant.”

People we interview in the Spears circle, which include a five mile radius of mostly rabid fans who at most have seen her for a few seconds, claim the rumor that Britney Spears ever was pregnant is just a silly rumor. “In fact, we know she’s still a virgin”, explained one guy while rubbing his 50 inch belly, “I mean, why else would she turn me down for hot urangutan sex?”

We asked an expert at a local clinic if it was possible that a woman could give birth and still be a virgin. “Uhhhh, how did you get in here”, replied the highly regarded registered nurse. A nearby priest, though, confirmed that it is possible to give birth while a virgin.

Is Britney Spears still a virgin? Only her hairdresser knows and, quite frankly, if we think it is up to him, our guess is: yes.
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 7:02 AM

Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Tara Reid's Shoes Split
When Tara Reid travels, she gets two hotel rooms: one for herself and one for her shoes. “Her shoes insist on a separate room”, explained a hotel worker smoking a cigarette in the parking lot who took twenty bucks for this exclusive. “The shoes can’t stand to be with Tara Reid”, our informant explained, “she likes to eat smelly cheese at night. Man, I don’t blame those shoes for wanting a separate room.”

Industry specialists note that split between the actress and her shoes developed shortly after Ms. Reid’s making People magazine’s Worst Dressed List, an incident that infuriated her shoes who felt their hard work was being neglected by Mr. Reid’s clothing choices. Tara Reid’s shoes’ agent insisted there is no dissention between Ms. Reid and her shoes. “The fact they want a trial separation only indicates they want some space from each other”, the agent explained while predicting that Ms. Reid and her shoes plan to seek counseling and that they would reunite.

“It is a shame when shoes and celebrities can no longer get along”, proclaimed Cathy, who stated she is a cartoon character in a comic strip named after her, adding “what’s the world coming to?”
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 1:08 PM

Elvis Killed JFK in Jealousy over Marilyn Monroe
Elvis Presley, who has been working as an automobile mechanic in Billings, Montana since faking his death several years ago, has confessed to assassinating John Kennedy in a jealous outrage over Marilyn Monroe, the inspiration for his song “hunka hunka burning love”. Presley stated he could never understand what attracted Monroe to Kennedy, observing “granted, he could get on all networks at the same time, but he was only on television a few times a year, and Kennedy never once did a movie or cut an album like I did.” Presley stated he was standing on the grassy knoll on that fateful day when he got cold feet and decided against shooting Kennedy. So, instead, he cleaned his rifle, which accidentally fired three, maybe four (Presley can’t remember which) times. “I was stunned later when I learned the shots hit someone, as the most I could ever hit before was a television set and only then if it were three feet in front of me”, Presley stated. Presley admitted he only has come forward after learning that the 40 year statute to limitations for first degree murder had passed (or, at least, that’s what we told him). In further conversation, Presley stated he had been shocked when he learned his daughter has married a member of the Jackson 5, but was relieved when he saw the wedding photos, noting “at least she married the white member of the group.”
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 8:43 AM

Thursday, September 01, 2005
Bush Presidency May Be Stricken from History Books
The disclosure that Rafael Palmeiro and Jose Canseco used illegal steroids during the time when George W. Bush was General Manager of the Texas Rangers took a stunning turn when it was announced that Bush also used illegal drugs. Members of the American Historical Association have reacted in shock. Many in their membership are recommending that the Bush Presidency be deleted from the record book. “No one knows if he ever would have gotten to be President if it weren’t for his use of drugs”, someone who knows a member of the association was quoted as stating. “To keep his Presidency on the books would be an insult to players such as Warren Harding who earned the Presidency without any performance enhancing drugs”, suggested someone else who was standing nearby.

A source close the U. S. Supreme Court disputed the likelihood of the Bush Presidency being stricken from the records.
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 12:24 PM

Thursday, August 04, 2005
Adolph Hitler, Television Programming Executive, Dies
Adolph Hitler, television network programmer, died yesterday of old age. Hitler is best known for his selection of mind numbing television programs watched by millions of American viewers every day. “At first, I was just joking. I could say anything: strand people on a desert island, have a genie in a bottle, a mother who comes back to life as a car. But, then they actually put these ideas on television.” Hitler’s most recent achievement included the invention of reality television.

Prior to his television executive work, Hitler was active in German politics. He unsuccessfully sought world domination. “Eventually, I learned, I can torture millions of people with awful television”, in an interview where he explained his attraction to the television industry.

Hitler is survived by his widow Eva, a respected right wing talk show host.
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 8:57 AM

Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Keith Richards Suspended for Drug Use
The Commissioner of Baseball and Entertainment has announced that random drug testing of entertainers has found that Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones has tested for positive for drugs. In fact, the testing agency stated that, after two hours of positive tests for various kinds of drugs, they gave up on any further testing after test after test came up positive. In fact, the tests could find only evidence of drugs and no other bodily fluids. As a result of this violation, Mr. Richards has been suspended from the Rolling Stones for ten days. The role of Mr. Richards will be performed by Pauly Shore, who may have been accidentally drafted by Mr. Jagger who, when informed he needed a replacement, replied either “sure” or “shore”. We’re not certain which he meant.
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 7:21 PM

Future United States Senator is Not Colorful
U.S. Rep. Katherine Harris stated “whenever they made fun of my makeup, it was because the newspapers colorized my photograph.” Thus, a deep, dark secret about this member of Congress has been revealed: Kathleen Harris exists naturally only in black and white. Indeed, she lives in a world where Eisenhower is still President, sex had yet to be invented, and all Democrats are Communists. Rep. Harris is expected to soon announce she is running for the United States Senate. She believes her chances are good, but will know that better once she is finished programming the voting machines.
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 1:44 PM

Tales of Hollywood Perverted Sex Exposed
A supporting actress with a long history of movie making is reported, according to a conversation we overheard on a bus, to be writing a book about another kind of making, and by that we mean, love making, because we know more readers won’t otherwise understand what we mean by “another kind of making.” Her book will have intimate details of the sexual secrets of many of Hollywood’s biggest entertainers and bus drivers. “You’ll be surprised how perverted some of these big shot movie people are”, this actress would have told us if we had had been able to reach her, “you’d be surprised to learn what names are into the missionary position. Why, there are several people, and I can’t name them at this time, who actually wanted me naked when we make love.”

Horrid tales of kissing, holding hands, and other acts too deplorable to even mention here, will be exposed in this upcoming book.
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 12:59 PM

Harpo Marx and Oprah Winfrey in Litigation
Harpo Marx has sued Oprah Winfrey for copyright violation for naming her company, Harpo Publishing, after him without paying him any royalties. Ms. Winfrey has countersued because, well, that's what people do when they are sued. When it was pointed out to Mr. Marx that Ms. Winfrey chose the name "Harpo" because it is her name, Oprah, spelled backwards, Mr. Marx responded "well, then, that's different." When Ms. Winfrey was told that countersuing Mr. Marx may be ineffective because he has been dead for several decades, Ms. Winfrey responded "well, then, that's different."
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 12:32 PM

Bo Bice's Gambling Catches Up to Him
Bo Bice received a broken foot in Manchester, New Hampshire. Bo, Bo, Bo, we keep telling you. You can't gamble more than you can afford. This is what happens when you don't pay back as expected.
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 12:26 PM

Terri Hatcher Dating Teenagers
According to our sources, which we invented, the reports that Terri Hatcher is "dating like a teenager" are more accurate then first believed. Terri Hatcher is, in fact, dating teenagers. She draws the line at 12 year olds, finding the boys that young usually lack the level of maturing she seeks in a date. "I enjoy the innocence of a great make-out" Ms. Hatcher proclaimed, and we believe her teenager boyfriends agree. "Wasn't she like Lois Lane's mom, or something like that" an excited 17 year old boy asked us when we interviewed him. Not that he ever met Ms. Hatcher, but he did agree to the interview.
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 12:20 PM

Hugh Grant is a Murderer
Hugh Grant has confessed to the murder of Deborah Hutton. Grant writes that he took a hair dryer and "I now concede--have finished her off." A friend of a friend who works at the hospital which was the scene of this crime claims Mr. Grant placed Ms. Hutton in a tub of water to see what her reaction would be to holding the hair dryer. Unfortunately, this did not do the trick as Hugh Grant could not figure out how to turn the hair dryer on. Mr. Grant then tried strangling Ms. Hutton with the hair dryer's cord. Unfortunately, this only seems to have greatly tickled and only yielded outrageous laughter on the part of Ms. Hutton. Hugh Grant, in frustration, then acted as a hair dresser and gave Ms. Hutton a new hair style which, in the frank opinion of undisclosed eyewitnesses, looked hideous. It is well known that, in Hollywood, a bad hairdo is death. Ms. Hutton passed away at that point.
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 12:14 PM

Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Ellen DeGeneres Is Not Gay
We are upset at the widespread rumor against one of television's brightest stars. We hope people will stop spreading these malicious rumors. Some of you may have heard some vicious rumor that Ellen DeGeneres is gay. We are certain this is being spread by some jealous Hollywood types trying to hurt the career of this big star. We suggest you just turn your backs on these wild stories.

We are glad to bring you the truth.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

It's Christmas Time, Do You Know Where Your Exorcist Is?

I don’t mean to knock anyone’s religion, but how does the devil know to only possess just Catholics? Does the devil have a “Catholics only” policy when it comes to body possession? Does the devil go “no, no dramatic affect if I enter this body: people will just think it’s one more crazy Jewish person, let me try down the street for a Catholic and see if I can get some priest really riled up.”

Last week, I saw the local drug store put out Halloween stuff and I joked that “this means in one week, the Christmas items come out.” Wouldn’t you know: it is no joke: the same store put out Christmas stuff this week. I know younger readers will not believe this, but there used to be a time when you could not find Christmas stuff until after Thanksgiving. We took holidays one at a time. Some retailer thought to get a jump on the competitor and put out Christmas stuff a week earlier, and it seems each year, stores rush to get Christmas stuff out earlier and earlier. Christmas shopping now begins in September. Soon, August. Christmas in July won’t be an expression: it will be reality.

Workers upgrading electricity service in Los Angeles cut off electrical supply to about two million people. Yeah, I would say that particular upgrade needs more work.

Rick Santorum insists he has questioned President Bush’s handling of the war on Iraq, even though the press and even his staff can’t find any record where he ever stated such. Come on, give him a break. I am certain he at least was thinking it and meant to say it at some point. Doesn’t that count for anything?

In local news, a woman was arrested for attacking a man with a phone and a pencil. Now I walk the streets in fear of women that may be hiding a phone and a pencil on them. The pencil, I see, can be dangerous, especially if placed in an eye. I don’t even want to know where she was intending on placing the phone.

Rep. Tom Tancredo, when he’s not urging the military to bomb mosques, is upset that the memorial to September 11 flight victims who died in Pennsylvania is called the “Crescent of Embrace”. It is called that because the crash site is crescent in shape. Mr. Tancredo is upset because the crescent is used as an Islamic symbol. Airplane designers are working on a solution so that future planes will crash in the shape of crosses.

Here is a list of the most common word searches that bring people to this blog:
1. boring stuff to put me to sleep.
2. clues to O.J. Simpson’s guilt.
3. reality television and the fall of Western Civilization.
4. is God dead, or is he on hold?
5. how Strom Thurmond faked his death.
6. Marilyn Monroe and gay men (well, that one was obvious)
7. Buffy! Buffy! Buffy! (this one I haven’t figured out yet)
8. really, really boring to put to sleep.
9. Christopher Lloyd lesbian vampires. (well, that worked)
10. are there really people stranded in the Superdome (this search limited to Washington, D.C.?

Monday, September 12, 2005

Artifical Testicles: And That Should Be Headlines Enough

It turns out that Supreme Court nominee John Roberts never once filed a law suit, never once faced a witness in court, and never once advised a client of the client’s legal rights. It is good for him that one need not be a lawyer to serve on the Supreme Court, as it appear John Roberts never was a lawyer.

Bird experts have concluded that birds sing for sex. Male birds have to prove to female birds that they are strong and healthy by out-singing other male birds. We know this is not the same for humans, given the successes of Mick Jagger and Rod Stewart.

Urologists have created the artificial testicle. This may open up a whole new line of plastic surgery in California. Plus, this could be open not just to humans. Can you imagine the competition among High Society dog owners? Neuter your pet, and then make your pet the King of Your Town

The displacement of people from Hurricane Katrina is the largest in our nation since our displacement of Native Americans. So, there is hope. Maybe hurricane victims will get their own casino.

Michael Brown has resigned as head of FEMA. He explained, in looking at the oncoming hurricane heading towards the Carolinas, that he’s out of here before that thing hits.

Images of the Katrina Hurricane and its aftermath are having an affect on the illegal immigration situation. It seems that thousands of people are now crossing the border—to leave the United States.

Friday, September 09, 2005

And Cocaine Cookies Are Out of the Question

The makers of Pot Lollipops may be forced by the government to cease production because their product seems to indicate it contains pot, although it does not. This may also kills their plans for a line of Heroin Ice Cream. This, though, will not affect the airing of the television show Weeds which, while it indeed is about marijuana, has fooled the government into thinking it is about gardening and thus is not being shut down by the government.

In thinking of New Orleans, I am reminded that I actually know someone who got arrested on Bourbon Street. When I heard he got arrested, my first reaction was “what on Earth could anyone ever do to get arrested on Bourbon Street?” You could run down Bourbon Street totally naked with open alcoholic beverage containers in both hands, and not will you not be arrested, you’ll blend in with the crowd.

Philadelphia offered to provide housing to 5,000 people left homeless from the hurricane. Only 38 people have accepted Philadelphia’s offer. Let’s see: their choices were to live in devastated housing with undrinkable water, or return South to their Gulf Coast region homes.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

When Fools Flood In

My close, personal friend Rick Santorum, which whom I made national news with just last month (but I digress) has this to say about the flood victims: ”there may be a need to look at tougher penalties on those who decide to ride it out and understand that there are consequences to not leaving.” Rick, I can save you time. I looked into it for you, and I think having to spend several days on a roof without food and proper water are consequences enough.

Speaking of dumb people, you realize that when Adam and Eve had children that our ancestors came from brothers and sisters and then cousins marrying each other? This may explain a lot.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Was Marilyn Monroe Really a Gay Man?

George Bush denied he was slow to react when he heard about the recent hurricane that devastated New Orleans and other coastal areas. He claimed he immediately called the French government and asked if they’d like to buy Louisiana back.

I was in a California restaurant and couldn’t help overhearing this beautiful woman telling her date over and over that she could not understand why he or anyone would ever want to date simple little her. The woman seemed to be totally oblivious to how beautiful she was. Unfortunately, the entire restaurant could not fail to overhear her comments. Finally, the waiter saved the day. He went up to her and explained “look, you’re beautiful and it is obvious this guy wants to date you. Even I would want to date you, and I’m married to another man.”

This is a horrible oversimplification, but I have noticed that Pennsylvania women to be more overweight (we are among the heaviest state per capita, so this is statistically true), dress more casual, yet they insist they are beautiful. Often, I overhear 300 pound women in Pennsylvania restaurants insisting their dates tell them they are beautiful: “tell me I’m beautiful, tell me, tell me” followed by a cowering gentleman in a fetal position in his chair telling his date how beautiful she is. Now, in California, (and maybe this is more cultural because beauty is important in the leading entertainment business as well as along all the beaches), women tend to be more beautiful, but they don’t perceive themselves as beautiful. Even Marilyn Monroe used to walk around telling people she is not beautiful. Marilyn, if you think you weren’t beautiful, I don’t know what you Californians think beauty is.

Incidentally, how did Marilyn Monroe get to be a male gay icon? What about Marilyn Monroe is the slightest resemblance to male homosexuality?

Friday, September 02, 2005

Looking Down to See Which Way is Up

I am learning that Geography is not studied much anymore. Once I was wearing a Texas flag pin and was asked what it was like being from Puerto Rico. At least that mistake is a little understandable because the Texas and Puerto Rico flags are so…OK, so that are not at all alike. But the mistake at least was of an educated guess variety.

I was in Minnesota once and was speaking to a librarian (again, keep in mind this was an educated librarian) who asked where I was from. At the time I was from Connecticut, so I responded with “Connecticut”. She then asked me “what state is that in?”

Recently, while in Seattle, an educated state government researcher told me I speak English well. I was not certain what that meant. I had heard that twice before, both times from Generals who spotted my Pennsylvania flag pin and mistakenly thought it was a pin of a foreign country who then proceeded to tell me that my English was quite good. But, this was a person who KNEW I was from Pennsylvania. It turns out, she thought Pennsylvania was a foreign country.

We Pennsylvanians do teach English in our schools and we hope that someday our children will grow up conversant in the English language.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Homeless Veterans and The Wives Who Want to Kill Them

How come you only see homeless veterans begging on streets? Did all draft dodgers find housing?

I visited Seattle. Some like this you can’t make up: I am sitting on a bench in Pioneer Square when a woman sat next to me, turned to me and said “I’d like to put you in a body bog and throw you away like a dead animal.” What is sad is that is still the most romantic opening line I’ve ever received.

Give a person a fish and that person will eat for a day. Teach a person how to program a personal computer so that it automatically places daily online orders of home delivery of fish, and a person will eat for a lifetime.

I attended a lecture of a woman who discussed her husband’s suicide. Her attitude was she has no sadness. He was a man and all men deserve to die. We need to drive more men to suicide. I noticed the eyes of all the women in the audience turning to me. Suddenly, a woman sprung up, pointed at me, and yelled “you, you’re a man, or are you are a bull dyke dressed like a man.” I found myself saying words I never thought I would say. “Me, why I’m a bull dyke dressed like a man.” Order was restored and the lecture continued. Incidentally, you know the toughest part about pretending to be a lesbian is trying to convince lesbians that a certain body part is really a surgically implanted strap-on. Anyway, after two hours of the lecture, I figured out the mystery of what this woman’s husband killed himself: anything to get away from that voice.

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