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Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: December 2013

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Sunday, December 08, 2013

I Suspected My Blind Date Already Had a Boyfriend When She Told Me She Was Pregnant



I suspect my upcoming first date won't go well. She just posted on Facebook "I'm pregnant." I already suspect there might be someone else.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Dec
@MonicaHesse Muddy Buddies, which is how diabetics commit suicide.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Dec
@petridishes When you next see Rush, tell him I see signs he is mixing his medications improperly. His talking horse agrees.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Dec
Condom manufacturers announce that North Dakota men have the largest penis size. Did I ever tell you about my North Dakota background?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Dec
Those who become pro-USA speakGerman  with a Southern US accent. Those who want to go to war with England speak German with a British accent
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Dec
To the Tea Party members criticizing Ted Cruz for praising Nelson Madela: Who exactly is left in American politics that you like?David Duke?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Dec
@clarkekant @geneweingarten I don't know if Cheney had a change of heart, but he did change heart pacemakers.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Dec
Thank you Rick Santorum for explaining how Mandela fought injustice just like Republicans fight Obamacare.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Dec
@MonicaHesse Who suggests an academic study of women touching mens underwear and then expects to be approved for tenure?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Dec
@petridishes What? I thought all Germans spoke with a Southern USA accent.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Dec
@yokoono What are the barriers to ending hunger worldwide
and how do you see us overcoming them? #yokoQandA
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 5 Dec
The item sold most during Christmas season at WalMart is towels. Guess what? You're getting towels for Christmas.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 5 Dec
@petridishes We all disagree with you that you are alone in your thinking.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 4 Dec
Article "Death in America" mistyped "Death to America". There may be a difference between the two.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 4 Dec
I have a compromise: ban abortions for people, but only for people defined as corporations.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 4 Dec
Here is the one thing that will not be posted on Twitter: Sometime today, a Kardashian will fart.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 4 Dec
That's bananas, literally. Bananas are the most sold item at WalMart.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Dec
Kentucky Fried Arsenic. I should have suspected as much.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Dec
Yeah! We're 31st in Math comprehension!! USA! USA!
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Dec
Heinz actually had 56 varieties of pickles and one guy who couldn't count well.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Dec
"Where do you stand on the Sarasate's Ziguenerweisen at the Philharmonic issue?" Ask that at the next candidate debate.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Dec
@petridishes As the only red dot on the far left until the bottom life, you represent all Twenty-sometihings. You are their Oprah! Lead them
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Dec
I feel bad when I tweet to a celebrity and some non-celebrity has that celebrity's Twitter name.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Dec
@ElanGale Eat my duck. (Damn spellcheck.)
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Dec
@petridishes You make just about the finest red dot there is.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 2 Dec
To the guy who "mistakenly" shot the doe in Vt. and tried to glue antlers on it: Why were you carrying antlers and glue in the first place?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 2 Dec
I am really enjoying these eight days of Thanksgiving, where we celebrate how one turkey meant to last one day lasts for eight days.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 2 Dec
Amazon delivery drone works great. Got my book in one hour and it got my terrorist cousin in one shot.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 2 Dec
I spent a week in an area so remote the Internet does not reach it. Guess what: It is possible to survive without the Internet.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 26 Nov
@petridishes If I may dress as Warren Harding, I will attend the party.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 26 Nov
@petridishes Let me please be the first to wish you a very merry 2015
Christmas.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 25 Nov
Losing your bikini top is a "legitimate roadway emergency" a court has ruled. If pulled over by a cop car, quickly remove your top.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 25 Nov
You must weigh under 165 pounds for the morning after pill to work. My Uncle has gone on a diet.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Nov
What do actors Richard Mansfield, Edwin Forrest, & Henry Miller have in common? They had Broadway theaters named for them that were renamed.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Nov
"The odds of winning are 1 in 259 million." "I'll take those odds"-millions of lottery purchasers.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Nov
@sutterink So you retweet cleavage. But I'm male. Oh, wait, that's not necessarily a problem. #WalterGoggins
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 Nov
If this gets a million likes I guarantee you will find a penny on the sidewalk.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 Nov
Woman comes up to me and says "You're so ugly, you should just kill yourself." I was shocked, and replied "Mom..."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 Nov
If a shark bites a person, it will spite the person out. Well, that doesn't work well for either party, now, does it?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 Nov
A producer of horror films never could get a massage because he never wanted to have a happy ending.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 Nov
Sign of the apocalypse: Ted Cruz and Donald Trump are meeting tomorrow.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 Nov
The Senate may launch the nuclear option. They are in a bunker right now with Dr. Strangelove.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 Nov
The Hunger Games name generator states my "Hunger Games" name is Time Waster.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 Nov
Of course, if you are a Socialist, you must be punished no matter what.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 Nov
Remember, if you are a Republican sinner, you are forgiven. If you are a Democratic sinner, you must be punished.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 Nov
If Rep. Radel takes a leave of absence, how will there ever be enough votes to repeal Obamacare?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 20 Nov
I misses Have Sex With a Man With a Mustache Day. Then again, I missed growing a mustache in time for that day.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 20 Nov
"Why, yes, I am cisgendered. And you?"
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 20 Nov
@geneweingarten My Great Grandfather was assigned, by the State of Connecticut, license plate number FU2.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 20 Nov
Priest gives last rites. "I'm not Catholic." "I know. We want to make certain you're going."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Nov
The reality is reality writers don't get paid real wages.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Nov
Rest in peace, Syd Field, who is now leading a three act structural journey to Heaven.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Nov
About that $15 billion: Turns out I sort of really need more like $45 billion. Anyone have it on them for a loan? Anyone?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Nov
"Shiate"? I can't tell if he is discussing mushrooms, Muslims, or swearing.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Nov
Received email stating "you will die soon from a heart attack" still was the most cheerful email I received today.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Nov
The Sun is middle aged. Let's hope it stays in shape and doesn't have a heart attack or a stroke.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Nov
Isn't it time we relegate Michele Bachman to the role of the crazy aunt we let attend Thanksgiving and pretend not to hear what she says?
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1:21 AM - 16 Nov 13 · Details
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Nov
Hey, Illinois voters, before you decide on Paul Vallas for Lt. Governor, check his references in Philadelphia.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Nov
Sadly, I do know someone who can fart so strongly from a urinal that his fart can activate the automatic towel dispenser.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 15 Nov
We need good solid American entertainers like Tina Turner, oh, wait, never mind.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 15 Nov
@2xpisces Thank you for the retweet. By the way, do you have $13 billion to loan?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 15 Nov
Yes, you may get pregnant on a toilet seat, although that usually is not a comfortable position for two people.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 15 Nov
Why are you asking if I have $13 billion to loan you? #AskJPM
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 15 Nov
I look at the urn and think of my Uncle. Oh, and of Jimmy Hoffa, too.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 15 Nov
@karenase73f96g Thanks for the spam. I didn't open it but I always appreciate that spammers think of me.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 15 Nov
150 years later, Hbg. Patriot retracts its criticism of Lincoln's Gettysburg address. Maybe Fox News will retract everything 1in 50 years.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 15 Nov
So there are more female authors on the 100 greatest books 1898 list than today. Still think we take women authors seriously today?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 15 Nov
Wow, excellent point. If ERs won't treat the poor, then it is official policy to let the poor die. At least give them cake to eat first.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 15 Nov
@petridishes Wait, you mean the Newsweek was inside me all along?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Nov
@sutterink You know, zombies could have saved "The Cavemen".
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Nov
Just learned some people take their computers to bed with them and sleep with their computers. The next fight is for legal computer marriage
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13 Nov
RIP Marvin Page. You  were great and left us way too soon and too tragically.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13 Nov
@heckyeahandyk Thanks for the favorite? Are you my daddy?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13 Nov
@SallyMullins1 You are hot and cute. And much more. You're Andy Kaufman's secret daughter. I won't tell anyone.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13 Nov
I am Andy Kaufman's secret daughter. Honest.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13 Nov
There is a new political party forming in New York: The Insurance Rates are Too Damn High Party.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13 Nov
Is there really a 99 Cent Store on Rodeo Drive? Buy a $500 shirt and a 99 cent stale pastry, all in one trip.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13 Nov
If a person has Tourette but won't swear when near you, does that mean this person is uncomfortable around you?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13 Nov
I learned today one is fined $15,000 for putting fecal matter into a brain without proper authorization. This is an amazing world.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13 Nov
Who leads the Black Caucus of the Tea Party?
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