Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: March 2007

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Ben Frankllin Goes Through the Twilight Zone to Futurama

Speaker Ben met Katey Sagal. Katey told Ben how she used to be known as Peg Bundy, a housewife who did not believe in doing work. Ben started to express agreement with how, in his day, women seldom sought employment when, as seen in the photo, Katey then placed her finger over Ben’s mouth.

Katey Sagal is also known for providing the voice of Leela on the show “Futurama”. Ben. Katey told Ben a secret that this cancelled television show may be revived and returned to television. Ben then told us and subsequently realized he is not good at keeping secrets.

Katey Sagal is also an excellent singer and was a member of The Group With No Name. This confused Ben for several minutes as he kept repeatedly asking what the name of her group was. Katey also appeared on the show “Lost”, which also lost Ben as to why Katey was lost.

Katey’s father, Boris Sagal, was a director on the show “The Twilight Zone.” The conversation finally began to make sense to Ben, as Ben knows what it is like to be from the 18th century and wake up as a puppet in the 21st century. Ben hopes television also revives “The Twilight Zone” as he he’d like to sell his story to them.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Bush Faces 100 Peers, Cheney Faces 12 Peers

Hello, I’m a Sagging Boob, and I’m the host of the game show “One Versus 100”, where a contestant wins a grand prize for answering at least one question that agrees with the answers of 100 people representing a cross section of the American public. Our contest today is George W. Bush.

(BUSH stands with his back to the camera and waves.
Sag turns Bush around.)

Welcome to our show.

I haven’t been this nervous since I stayed up all night memorizing all the names of my Cabinet. Did you realize that Health AND Human services counts as just one Cabinetization?

To play the game, the contestant will write down his answer and see if it matches any one of 100 people. First question: “Your intelligence assessments tell you there is practically a zero chance of success in Iraq, that America has no influence over the bulk of the Iraqi people, and that a continued American presence in Iraq is only encouraging the spread of terrorism. Do you a.) withdraw troops from Iraq, b.) keep the same number of troops in Iraq, or c.) increase the number of troops in Iraq.


No, you’re supposed to write your answer down. By giving it away before the others have written their answer, you’re going to match…

(Sag listens to a microphone in his ear.)

What’s that? Not one? The President’s answer did not match any of the 100 others…even after he gave his answer…OK….we’ll try a second question. “Your Vice President has a conflict of interest with Halliburton, helps Halliburton obtain billions of dollars of contracts without competitive bids, and it turns out that Halliburton has significant cost overruns. Do you a.) pick a new Vice President, b.) call for a complete and independent investigation of your Vice President, or c.) continue to let your Vice President run your administration like you’re his bitch?” Write your answer down.


(Sag throws his papers into the air in disgust.)

Bush said it outloud again. Yet, I see he still has not matched any of the 100.

(DICK CHENEY walks by with a gun. Cheney walks off-camera. A gun shot is heard.)

It seems Vice President Cheney has accidentally shot one of the 100 players and has taken his place in this game.

(Cheney walks to Sag with a card reading “c”.)

It’s “c” you idiot. Get with the program.

President Bush, you have made a match and you’re our grand winner. Come back next week when our contestant will be Dick Cheney is our new game “1 versus 12”, where hopefully Cheney will be facing a criminal jury of 12.

Kill an Agnostic for Democracy

Two American soldiers JOHN and GEORGE walk through a Iranian neighborhood. They wear military outfits and carry rifles. Their eyes search the area as they talk and walk towards a door.

Why did you enlist?

They said they’d pay for my college.

Too bad a war interrupted that plan.

So, did they fully train you for this mission?

Did they provide you with full protective gear?

(John and George look at each and laugh at their respective jokes.)

Time to build democracy.

(George knocks on the door. HAZIM, an Iraqi civilian, answers the knock.)


Good afternoon. We are conducting a house by house search and we were just kind of wondering, are you Sunni or Shiite?

(John taps George on the shoulder.)

What are the orders this week? Are we shooting Sunnis or Shiites?

(Hazim overhears this and appears quite concerned.)

HAZIM (speaks to George)
Yes, please answer that.

I think we’re supposed to shoot Shiites.

You sure. It seems like yesterday we were shooting Sunnis.

Well, if George Bush once said he couldn’t keep them apart, how are we supposed to know which is which?

JOHN (speaks to Hazim)
So, are you a Sunni…or a Shiite?

(As Hazim drags out his answer, he crouches and changes his expression in response to John and George raising and lowering their guns as he answers.)

Well, I’m more of a Shii….Suuuuu…Shiiiiiii…..Suuuu

Well, which is it?

You can’t make generalizations like that. My mother is a Sunni and my father is a Shiite.

(George and John huddle together.)

What do we do now?

Maybe we just shoot him halfway?

I got it.

(John turns towards Hazim. George follows in turning towards Hazim.)

JOHN (to Hazim)
Which mosque do you attend?

To be honest, I’m not really that religious.

Which mosque do you attend on special occasions, you know, like on Easter and Christmas?

Actually, I never attend. I’m really an agnostic.

(John raises his rifle and fires at Hazim. Hazim falls down dead.)

Damn agnostics, that’s just un-American.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

No Leafs Behind Children: They Can't See Them

I am one of those people who is concerned about education who sits in the audience listening to the experts explain educational policies. I discovered when I ask experts on educational policy about why schools don’t do something that makes such common sense to me, nearly all of them suddenly look at me in amazement as if I have said something that makes so much sense they wish someone had thought of it earlier. Indeed, I do not claim this is an original idea, as one expert told me there are schools that do this and they have found it works quite well. Thus, I started asking the experts: if this idea makes so much sense, won’t do more schools realize it and adopt it. They answer the idea needs to be better publicized. Thus, I write this in hope that a basic idea gains acceptance.

The idea is simple: Instead of keeping students in the same grade and promoting them or failing them according to their overall performance, let them proceed in each course level at their appropriate level of educational attainment. This would be done by offering all basic courses at the same time. A student should not be passed to the next level until the student successfully complete the level the student currently attends. If a student excels, that student may be advanced at an accelerated rate to a higher level.

Under this plan, all students would be kept in home room according to age. Students would go to the grade level in each course that is appropriate to them. Some students learn subjects at different rates, and may even learn one subject more rapidly while being delayed in learning another subject. Thus, for instance, a 5th grade student would be in 5th grade homeroom but may be in 5th grade English, 4th grade Math, and 6th grade Science.

This recognizes that children learn different subjects at different rates. This has the benefits of lowering stigmatizing students for not being in their proper grade level, at least in home room. It avoids the problems of failing or promoting a student in all subjects, which is what many schools do: i.e. a student who fails 5th grade repeats all courses in 5th grade the following year, What it avoids is failing a student who may become bored repeating the subjects where the student excelled. It also avoids promoting a student to another grade who has fallen behind in a subject and who will have even greater difficulty keeping pace with a higher level of the same subject. It also allows a student who does well in a subject to move at a more appropriate faster pace.

It is my understanding from some education experts that the schools that do this have found this solves several learning problems that schools that do not do this face. Thus, from my layperson perspective, I would urge more School Directors and school officials to seriously examine how their schools schedule basic courses, promote students, and tweak their current policies towards these more common sense ideas.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Do Christian Scientists Take Viagara?

God never opens a door without slamming our fingers onto a closing window.

I had great-uncles and great-aunts who were Christian Scientists. They lived well into the 90s without ever seeing a doctor. The explained to me that whenever they felt sick, they would lie down, mediate and breathe deeply, while concentrating on their prayers. These prayers consisted mainly of "Jesus, that hurts" and "God, take me now."

I’d name a child Me Who, if only to provide a lifetime of entertainment to the child when trying to phone calls or otherwise introduce himself. “Hello, it’s Me”, to which people would either say “no you’re not”, which would be followed up with “no, I’m me” which could be followed up with “me, too”, or which could be responded with “me, who?”, and Me Who could say “correct.” The possibilities are endless.

Today I got an email from someone who inherited a warehouse of discounted Viagara in Nigeria looking for someone willing to take out a second mortgage they offer at a low rate to help with the financing to get the Viagara out of the country. Anyone else think this sounds like a foolproof deal I should invest in?

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

And Now Some Words of Compassion for Others and Concern for our Future

It is been our history that people flee lands of limited opportunity and come to America, and then seek to disallow anyone else entering to enjoy that benefits of America. Yet, history has shown not only that we were able to absorb more people, but indeed our economic growth has depended upon attracting labor from other countries and putting more people to work within our own country. Indeed, it was not our economic reasons yet our general compassion for others that allowed most of us to welcome new neighbors. This history of immigration continues to be relevant to our present and future.

The U.S. Comptroller General’s office has made economic forecasts. As our population ages, and makes a relatively greater proportion of our people consumers of health care and retirement plans (two costs that have, and appear will continue, increasing at higher rates than the rest of the economy), and as our Federal debt (which continues increasing as we pay for a war, homeland protection, and other items, also increasing at higher rates than the rest of the economy) comes due to be paid, there are some scary economic debts that we have put off that will materialize as payments due in upcoming decades. Ironically, while Congress and the public debate the costs of social security, the costs of health care, Medicare, Medicaid, and prescription medications are far greater problems. As one economist, Uwe Reinhardt, noted, the problems of future shortfalls in paying social security costs are within the error margins of prediction figures on what our future shortfall in paying for health care will be.

The Comptroller General’s Office predicts that the Federal debt will, within a few decades, equal the rest of the Federal budget. Either taxes will have to become so high they cannot be paid by most Americans, or most government programs will have to be eliminated, and/or although this appears highly unlikely, huge advances in productivity will have to be accomplished. Yet, there is one other possible solution that solves this economic equation of national economic disaster: we will need many new taxpaying employees within 50 years.

Ironically, in this era when there is much focus on restricting immigration, our future economic survival demands that we increase immigration. To remain competitive with growing economies throughout the rest of the world, we need to attract foreign employees to America. Our problem, should we decide to allow increased immigration, will not be in attracting people to come to America . The problem would be assimilating this influx so they are a productive part of our society.

Instead of ostracizing and driving immigration into the underground economy where they are neither paying their full share of taxes, and restricting their access to our health care, education, and social programs, which is inhumane, we need to bring immigrants into our society. This will be especially important, for history shows that our most productive generations are second generation immigrants. We should strive for an assimilated second generation of productive employees at a crucial time when our national economy will require their higher productivity.

To accomplish these necessary future objectives, we need to change now how we view immigration. No one is saying to let terrorists in. In fact, any and all steps that can be undertaken to track terrorists and see they are not admitted in our country should be taken. Do not be fooled by those who state that immigration policies are designed to keep out terrorists. Those are not terrorists crossing the Mexican border to harvest our crops and do menial labor.

Yes, we should increase our intelligence operations that combat and stop terrorists. Yet we should not allow the misguided fears of terrorism and subtle racism to continue influencing us from failing to realize that that we need increased immigration. We need immigration policies that enable us to track immigrants, see they pay taxes, allow them to share in the benefits of our society, and assimilate them into American culture, life, and meaningful employment. That is the response of a caring nation. That is the response of a country that will survive the economy of the future.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Montezuma's Revenge Chocolate: For the Serious Chocolate Addict

Montezuma’s Revenge Chocolate may not be the best name for a new type of candy bar. Yet the news that Hershey’s is moving more of its chocolate operations to Mexico has stirred some interest. It also turns out that Hershey’s offers its Mexican employee a better health care plan than it offers its American employees. Considering the growing importance of health care to Americans, we may soon expect to see unemployed Americans illegally crossing into Mexico for the health care benefits.

The news that Al Sharpton is requesting DNA tests to see if he’s related to Strom Thurmond is also interesting. Don’t ask me why, but I keep getting visions of Strom Thurmond stating “Luke, I mean Al, I’m your father.”

A couple in Pennsylvania asked to legally change the name of their son from Desiree to Derrick. They claim they did not realize until he was age six that Desiree was a girl's name. Yes, this might be one of the signs they were not fully prepared to have been parents. Plus, who do they hang out with? It took six years before someone pointed out their boy had a girl’s name? What also gets me is: how do you even pick a name like “Desiree” if you know so little about that name?

I don’t watch the Oscars. If you weren’t aware, they use temporary seat warmers to sit in seats when a celebrity gets up for any reason. That way the camera won’t show any empty seats. What I think they should do is hire homeless people to be seat warmers. In fact, don’t let them shower before and let them bring in the beverage of their choice. Now, that would be an Oscars I’d like to watch.

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