Merry Christmas, Cheerful Chanukah, Keepsake Kwanzaa, Respectful Ramadan, and for Atheists, May Nothing Be a Source of Joy

As we enter the holiday season, let me share what my mother gave me last year:
A headstone.

She pointed out how many people do not plan ahead for these things. Frankly, I am a cheapskate and figured: let someone else pay for it with what I have left. Now, is this a good gift to receive, or not? Hey, thanks for the nice headstone. It was just what I wanted. The color is perfect and it fits great. All my life, I've been saying: someday, I hope I get my own headstone. I knew that day would come, and now you've made my dreams come true.

What was amusing was one of the town's busybodies called my mother and asked if I was sick. She said no, and was surprised by the question. Why would she be asking if I am sick? Well, the busybody saw my new headstone and assumed...