Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: East, Sleep, and Kill, But Not All at Once

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

East, Sleep, and Kill, But Not All at Once

I should have realized I was in for trouble when we went to a new restaurant where the sign read "All You Eat for $10". We thought maybe it was run by people who had a poor command of English. No, it was a restaurant of one serving of small portions and a waiter who proclaims, "for ten dollars, that's all you eat."

Which reminds of something totally unrelated. I remember in college when there was a sleepwalker in our building. We were told one is never supposed to awaken a sleepwalker. (Incidentally, and someone please correct me if I am wrong: I have since read it is perfectly fine to awaken a sleepwalker, and in fact one should in case they are potentially in danger. The sleepwalker has diminshed awareness of the surroundings and can be injured. It may take a few seconds for the awakened sleepwalker to regain his or her bearings, but I understand there is little danger to awakening a sleepwalker.) The problem I found was one evening, our sleepwalker was walking around muttering over and over methods he wanted to use to kill me.

Let me tell you, anytime I heard him sleepwalking from then on, I was wide awake! I don't think I slept well all year. In fact, I wish I had known then it was fine to have awakened a sleepwalker. If I can't sleep, neither would he!

Fortunately, during the day, the guy was the nicest guy ever. I don't know what the deepseated murderous thoughts were all about. Which, of course, had me worried. Everyone always says in the press about a killer that "the guy was the nicest guy ever." How come one never reads "that psycho neighbor of mine? From the day he borrowed my rake and never returned it, I knew he'd probably end up in jail someday."

Speaking of murder, I recall one day when the mother of an accused criminal called me and wanted to know why her son wasn't being released from jail. I telephoned the judge's chambers and asked what was up, and they explained that her son was accused of first degree murder and there was no bail. As I then tried to explain to the mother that there is no bail in most first degree murder cases and that her son was not going to be released, she questioned "why not? It's only his first murder."

I think we have a clue as to where this parenting went wrong.


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