Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: July 2007

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

The True Terror of Television Revealed

The terrorists have finally figured out how to destroy our culture and cause endless suffering to millions, without our even realizing it. It is the only explanation that makes sense, and I am glad to announce I have figured it out: Terrorists have taken over network television programming.

The show “20/20” denies that it is trying to use sex appeal to increase viewers, and claimed that there is absolutely nothing to be read into the show being renamed “36/24/36.”

Some things you observe in life are terrific. I was in an airplane when, after takeoff, I heard the woman in front of me call her husband on her cell phone. She told him that she had missed her flight and that she would be home much later. She then turned to the woman sitting next to her and stated “now I’ll catch him.” I bet there is a lot more to that story.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Review of "The Brothers Bulger" by Howie Carr

There are two main versions of the Bulger brothers. One brother, Whitey, turned to crime, became a crime syndicate leader, and is on the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted List. The other much younger brother, William, didn’t know his brother well and was not influenced by him, yet instead wanted to help others. William became the good brother to Whitey’s bad brother, and William went into politics and became a powerful Massachusetts State Senate and rose to be an influential political leader as Senate President Pro Tempore.

This book suggests another version. It claims William and Whitey together violated public ethics by working in cahoots. It shows how cocaine dealing associates of Whitey’s obtained state jobs with William’s assistance and how a budget amendment introduced by Senator Bulger forced the retirement of several State Police officers investigating Whitey. It further disputes William’s assertions that he had little awareness of what his brother was doing.

William Bulger admittedly was not a political reformer. “Show me a reformer and I’ll show you someone who won’t be back” through reelection, Bulger once claimed. Bulger admittedly was a master of the political deal. He grew up in a Boston where local residents knew the police and prosecutors could be bribed and pardons and commutations could be purchased. When William made it to the legislature, patronage was widespread. Legislators often got jobs with little responsibilities for their friends. State Rep. Barney Frank would quip how, when he arrived at the Massachusetts Capitol, he found more people to open doors than there were doors.

Whitey not only was a criminal, he was a medical subject who as a prisoner was given LSD and studied. To what degree the drug affected Whitey, we can speculate. To what degree the government felt guilty for the damage they inflicted, we may never know. What is known is that Whitey began playing both sides. Whitey became an FBI informant. Yet, Whitey didn’t switch sides. FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover seemed so hungry for organized crime information that the FBI looked the other way when informants performed their crimes. To Whitey, this allowed him to take advantage of both worlds. He could get the FBI to arrest his rivals and get them to look the other way as he took over the lead in mob activities.

While William was a political leader of South Boston, Whitey controlled the rackets operations (allegedly driving out the Cosa Nostra and taking control himself) in South Boston, and the FBI and the Bulger brothers helped each other out, according to the author. Senator Bulger was there to help FBI agents, who generally weren’t highly paid, find other jobs when forced into retirement. Senator Bulger was accused of extortion, yet an FBI probe quickly found the Senator Bulger had done nothing wrong. Indeed, William and the FBI agent who investigated him seem to have become friends, as William served as the master of ceremonies at the FBI agent’s retirement party.

William Bulger helped elect John Silber as Governor. While Silber and Bulger had a good working political relationship, Silber worked less well with the public. Governor Silber upset many voters by stating that a women over age 25 were over the hill, openly questioning why so many welfare recipient s were “from the tropical climates”, and proclaiming he that the elderly should die and to make room for the young. Opponents openly began calling for the end of the “Silber-Bulger” form of government.

Sensing that his political career was ending, William Bulger shifted into academic and became the President of the University of Massachusetts. Unfortunately, William’s taking the Fifth Amendment before Congress when questioned about organized crime was not well received by University Trustees. William Bulger resigned his Presidency.

It should be noted that the author was one of the University Trustees who opposed William Bulger. Still, the book appears to be very well researched and is an intriguing expose into one of Massachusetts most powerful families. Whether it is the story of a family whether both sons crossed the lines of lines of legality and morality, this book argues the answer to that question is: they both did.

Gilmore in the Dumps, Seat Dumped, and Taking a Dump

I didn’t make it as a stand-up comic. My manager kept telling me, with the funny face I have, I could go onstage, take a dump, and people would pay to see me. So, I tried that. People wanted their money back.

I was amazed to see a bicycle race going by my place. True story: someone’s bike seat fell off. Now, I bet that was someone who ended up having a bad day.

Jim Gilmore became the first Presidential candidate to withdraw from the race. To show you had bad his campaign was going, the first question he got from the press was “you were running for President?” The second sign that his campaign was going poorly: you’re reading this asking yourself “who is Jim Gilmore

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Parallel Parking is the Secret to Life

It is amazing what you can learn by observing. I saw a car with a license plate that read “God is my co-pilot” when I made a revealing theological discovery. God has no idea how to parallel park.

A poor guy was released from prison for 20 years and promised he would go straight. Unfortunately, he celebrated his release by going into a New York restaurant and lighting up a cigarette. Poor guy had never knew what hit him.

Flight attendants need to understand the mentality of crazy people. I saw a flight attendant trying to get a crazy guy to put on his seat belt by asking him “if you don’t put on your seat belt, you’ll go flying down the aisle at 800 miles an hour” You see, to this guy, that just about sounds like the most fun possible.

I like the idea of breathalyzers where one needs to blow into one before they may drive a car. I think we need one for Congress. They should breathe into a breathalyzer before they vote on bills.

What is the meaning of life? Why waste time searching for an answer to a question that can’t be answered. Life is. Although, if you add milk, it gets soggy.

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