Our Intelligence Community Must All Be From California

Overheard at a National Security meeting between representatives of two countries having slight disagreements with each other: “I will fight you to the death of every man younger than myself. And you know what that means. That’s right: after the war, there’ll be plenty of women for the both of us.”

There is a survey that states that 40% of California drivers do not know that you are supposed to use turn signals. A third of Californians do not know who the Vice President of the United States is (Warning: Plot spoiler up ahead for Californians: it’s Dick Cheney.) Do you get the impression that some people in California are too stupid to live? Recently, I saw a famous actor (he had the top billing on a hit television series) attempt to enter a restaurant. He went to the sidewalk leading to the back entrance of a restaurant, where the sidewalk was blocked by a chain and which had a sign behind the chain with an arrow pointing to the restaurant's front entrance. I watched as this brilliant actor looked at the chain, looked at the sign, and then stepped over the chain and attempted to enter the restaurant through the locked back door. You know, I bet he doesn’t know you’re supposed to use turn signals when driving nor does he have any idea who the Vice President is.

Please Refrain from Exploding a Bomb in this Theater

Why do they ask people to “please refrain from smoking” or “please refrain from talking”? What if you can’t refrain? At least you tried. “Sorry I talked all during the movie in this theater, but I did try to refrain from it. After all, they did say “please”’.

President Bush states that you can’t enjoy your freedom if you can’t read English. See, that’s the problem: if only terrorists could read English, then they could enjoy freedom. Which doesn't sense, as the September 11 terrorists could read English. Maybe they didn’t read enough. You know, I wonder if George Bush reads enough. Maybe George Bush is a terrorist.

It has been reported that the CIA has been hiring temporary employees. It seems most agents can read only English, so while they can enjoy freedom, they can’t spy on other countries that don’t speak English, which as George Bush will tell you, is a lot of countries out there not speaking English. Can you imagine the CIA hiring temps? One can apply for a job at a temp agency and the next thing you know you’re being parachuted into a foreign country to take photographs. Then, the following day the agency gets you a job changing linens in a motel.

I for one do not believe any of the conspiracy theories that President Bush knew in advance about September 11. In fact, I am certain records will show him stating “OK, now if today is the 10th, what day will it then be tomorrow?”

I wonder what humor is like in terrorist camps? Somehow I imagine them sitting around saying that “he was so stupid, he tried to hijack an Allegheny Airlines plane. The plane crashed before he could hijack it.”

I notice with travel that people put orange ribbons on their luggage to make their bags stand out. I can easily tell which bags are mine: they are the only ones without orange ribbons.

Acutal News That Makes No Sense

George W. Bush stated he is an epileptic reader. It is believed he meant to say he is an “eclectic” reader. I think he stated what he intended: when he reads, he goes into epileptic fits.

Kathleen Harris was the upset winner in Florida’s U.S. Senate Republican Primary. Finally, there are lots of Republicans who are beginning to question how accurately Florida votes are counted. Early analysis is she will trail in the polls and be the surprise winner when they count the votes in November.

Someone screamed at me “if you love terrorists, why don’t you marry one?” I see she’s met my ex-wife.

Paris Hilton was stopped by police while driving. Police said she was acting erratically and arrested her for driving while drunk. How could they tell from her erratic behavior that she was in fact drunk? She claims she was driving to get an In and Out burger. I guess she's the first anoerix L.A. celebrity to approach such a place, which made her behavior suspicious. Well, now that the public knows where Paris Hiton eats, there goes the stock value of In and Out.

The have made air bags for motorcycles. Once they invent enclosed motorcycles, they will work great.

Maybe Petting a Porcupine Would Have Been Safer Afterall

In my August 29 posting, I made fun of a place (which does exist: this is no joke) where children can pet a sting ray. Based on the recent tragic news that a string ray has killed Steve Irwin, I know wonder if I am not correct to have viewed this as potential child abuse. I also predict two things: 1. lots of teenagers are lining up to take their chances at petting the sting rays and 2. lots of parents are now threatening their children with “you behave, or I’ll make you go and pet a sting ray.”

I went to an art festival. There was one booth where, at first, I thought how nice that a teacher has such talented third grade artists and is willing to sell their work, perhaps to encourage them and/or to raise money for their school. Then, I realized: this art work belonged to this adult artist. I could only imagine the people who buy this stuff are parents who take the art work back to their children to show them that they, too, can become professional artists, and to get going making art work for the parent to sell. I wonder what the discussion was like when this artist announced to family members that he was leaving his day job to become a professional traveling artist selling his art works from a tent. My guess: a divorce followed shortly afterwards.

There was another artist I see every year whom I fear is anorexic. I have now changed my mind: I fear she has to live off her earnings, and based on her work, she is thin because she doesn’t get to eat much. I am sorry, but you take things that people normally throw away and glue them together, it is not art. It is only a pile of stuff people throw away stuck together. You’re not going to sell too much of that stuff.