Merry Tweetmas

"Can I get Ebola if a zombie with Ebola bites me?"
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  9m 9 minutes ago
I hear "The Interview" is great. It brings the house down. #TheInterview
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  26m 26 minutes ago
A solider mustered out. Waiting for a bus, one came along reading "Out of Service". So the soldier boarded it.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  18h 18 hours ago
Dear Vice Squad: Check out all those videos that Elf on the Shelf has.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  19h 19 hours ago
"Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country." (Torturing not included.)
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  19h 19 hours ago
It was the best of seasons, it was the worst of seasons. So Dickens gave up meteorology and went into creative writing.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 22
North Korea's Internet has been shut down. A CIA operative unplugged it.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 21
So North Korea does not believe in our right to privately criticize actors in emails?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 21
Arthur Gardner has left us yet leaves a legacy of many great works. I am honored to have met him. We cherish his memory and achievements.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 21
I wonder if the Solar System still invites Pluto over for Christmas dinner.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 21
The people who robbed the real life Badda Bing obviously never watched "The Sopranos".
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 Gene Weingarten @geneweingarten  ·  Dec 20
@SexiestLyingWit That's a little too extreme , but men should have only 3/5 of a vote.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 20
Due to their widespread inability to grasp reason on issues, it is time we take away the right of men to vote? @geneweingarten
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 20
Internet postings are like Miranda rights. Anything you say can and will be held against you.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 20
Elf on the Shelf shows what happens when we privatized police patrols.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 18
Anyone remember the good days where there was freedom of speech in the United States?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 18
Remember, fracking is dangerous is you live in New York, yet perfectly safe if you live in Pennsylvania. #fracking
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 18
"My script is about a guy who desecrates Mohammed and then assassinates a North Korean leader…Hello?…Hello?"
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 18
All TV networks should show "The Interview", perhaps during something unimportant such as the State of the Union. #TheInterview
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 18
New York bans Fracking. Frick, though, is allowed to stay. #fracking
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 17
Why couldn't Kim Jong On have not liked "Gigli" instead?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 17
Dear Kim Jong Un: Justin Bieber has been saying really nasty things about you.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 17
Now, instead of Los Angeles, the next NFL franchise will be awarded to Havana.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 17
If Ann Coulter thinks torture is what people do on first dates, remind me not to date Ann Coulter.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 17
Santorum declaring he is fine with having sex is poetically risky. Most Republicans are publicly against sex.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 17
"Sex really isn't a real problem for me" declared Rick Santorum, going after the pro-sex vote. #RickSantorum
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 17
Just my luck, Kim Jung On loves my works.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 17
If a charity raises $35 million and spends $28,000 on charity, it is charitable to declare it is not a charity?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 17
After normalizing relations with Cuba, Obama next plans to normalize relations with Southern states.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 16
So you lose fat when you exhale. I await the rash of new Exhaling Diet Plans.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 16
If you are troubled by a spying Elf on the Shelf, what about that pervert in the North Pole watching you when you sleep?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 16
What if Santa has Ebola and everyone wakes up Christmas morning with Ebola? I blame Obama.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 16
Christmas is that inspirational day where eight days of food lasts for one day.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 16
Booth Coleman was the rare man and ape of tremendous talent. He will be sorely missed. Glad to have known him. He will be remembered.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 15
I saw a New Jersey Transit bus on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Someone made a really bad wrong turn. "What time is the Cherry Hill Mall stop?"
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 15
The Yankees signed Chase Headley? I thought they had a third baseman?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 13
Who would create two Jar Jar Binkss?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 11
Released secret Sony emails state Sony wants to build an amusement park just so it can have a section devoted to #TheGoldbergs
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 11
Release of Sony emails mention a spoiled untalented actor…who is not me
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 11
Who is this guy Craig and why does he have a huge list?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 11
Frank Rizzo Jr. is not the man his father was. Which, in this case, is a good thing.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 11
Someday we will cease being amazed at new female led enterprises and we will accept female led establishments as customary businesses.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 11
Society would not approve of Brad Pitt marrying Barack Obama because we frown on cousins marrying.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 10
A building in Philadelphia today sold for $100 million. For that price, I hope it includes a parking space.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 10
The accused stated the killing was self-defense, and the eating the victim was just icing on the cake---literally.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 10
Remember, "love thy neighbor" does not include "cook and eat your neighbor."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 10
And Tig lived happily ever after. #SOAFinale #SOA
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 9
Dick Cheney calls for an international ban on torture. I guess next he will support Obamacare and register Democrat.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 9
"Well, I am off to my 'Atheists Who Believe in Santa Clause' support group meeting."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 9
Wait, a major newspaper seeks an "investigative reporter" to work WITH advertisers?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 9
Do not act surprised when elected officials try and implement what they said they would during the elections. They warned you then.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 9
Who attacks a funny confab? Isn't that like beating a dead horse, or, at least, someone in a horse's costume?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 9
Does anyone know how to get chemical smells out of furry costume?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 8
OK, so you are all mad because a guy did not let himself be eaten by a snake because his arm was breaking? Just checking.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 8
If you are leaving a club with 20 women, you have way too much money to blow. @LeoDiCaprio
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 8
Remember, if a source asks you not to interview the other side of a story: interview the other side of the story.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 8
Breaking news: Monica Lewinsky is now a red carpet celebrity. That is all.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 8
Why bless your heart, you poor thing, I always mean "with due respect" when I say "with due respect."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 8
A mountain sized asteroid is predicted to crash to Earth in a few decades. See, you do not have to worry about repaying those student loans,
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 8
I also mean it when I say "yo, and you can stick you "with due respect" right here.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 8
I am a super voter who votes straight Republican, likes Fox News, and I love when Republican candidates send me lots of costly brochures.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 8
The Koch brothers have better data than the RNC, including social media and TV viewing habits. So Ds, post you vote R. just to confuse them.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 7
My condolences to friends and relatives of Axl Rose, whose death was falsely reported on the Internet. #RIPAxlRose
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 6
I am always on time for work. Of course, I usually do not actually work there. Yet I am always on time.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 6
Fox News is like high school dating: women talking nonsense. MSNBC is like college dating: You find an intelligent women, but she's gay.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 5
If another politician say how he / she did drugs or had an abortion and therefore anyone else who does it should go to jail, I say hypocrite
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 5
You just know that somewhere there is some stupid drunk going "golly, I think I will also try getting eaten by a snake."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 5
It is important to fact check. Rolling Stone, you are not Fox News. #RollingStone
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 5
Satanists win equal time for a display at the Florida Capitol. Those who want church and state together always want only their church. Sorry
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 5
"I am sorry. I have to cancel our date. I am in jail for shaving my private area while driving. Rain check?"
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 5
The woman who crashed her car while shaving her privates: A guy was holding the steering wheel. Wonder why he was not watching the road?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 5
You leave cookies for Santa because Santa left cookies in your computer to tell him how naughty you are.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 5
Do not shave your private area while driving. This definitely is an accident of some kind waiting to happen.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 5
I just realized that poor Jax Teller is now an orphan. #SonsOfAnarchy
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 5
Oh, it is Peter Pan. When I heard "I don't want to grow up" I thought it was the House Republican Caucus singing.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 5
"Don't get on Captain Hook's boat" yelled the ghost of Natalie Wood.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 4
Never pretend to show your knowledge of the their culture by going to a South Korean restaurant wearing a North Korean flag pin,
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 4
Jenna Bush Hager having "hanky panky" on the White House roof probably gave the Secret Service snipers something to watch.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 4
According to gun activists, all these shootings of unarmed suspects shows that suspects need to arm themselves.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 4
The Navy has revoked Bill Cosby's title of Chief Petty Officer. Society has revoked his title of Gentleman.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 4
Memo to Keith Richards: It is true that two people who performed on Rolling Stores records died recently.  No, you were not one of them.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 4
Sony claims hacking problem resolved. In unrelated news, Kim Jong-un has been added to The Goldbergs cast as Uncle Kim Goldberg.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 3
Do you realize how many low income people can not afford to dye their underarm hair?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 3
Star Wars land to replace Toon Town. Walt's head is now rolling in its freezer.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 3
Remember, you may choke someone to death, but you are not allowed to film someone choking someone to death.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 2
Cosby joked in 1969 about slipping drugs into women's drinks. And people laughed, and laughed, and laughed.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 2
The search for Richard III is over. Sadly, he was found dead.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 2
The 2014 New York Giants highlights reel will consist of one catch, and then end.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 2
Memo backstage at rock concert: "Do not say "Raise your hands." The police may start firing."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 1
Hackers hit Sony. In unrelated news, the McCarthys and the Goldbergs all become followers of Charles Manson.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Dec 1
My condolences to friends and family of Kirk Douglas whose death was erroneously reported.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Nov 24
I saw the article that naked yoga leads to a better sex life. Wonder if the author realizes that most guys would be fine with naked anything
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Nov 24
Yeah! Barbie is now a computer engineer. Next, maybe Waldo will finally find himself.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Nov 24
There is a shock treatment that allows men to feel the pain of childbirth. Well, that may be the best birth control ever.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Nov 24
Dear Bill Cosby: I did as you asked. I fact checked. Did you realize more and more people are coming forth with allegations?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky @SexiestLyingWit  ·  Nov 24
Every time Sarah Palin speaks, I have to fact check to determine that she really stated something that stupid.