I've Forgotten More Jokes Than Some Comics Know, and That's Not Necessarily a Good Thing: Some Forgotten Jokes
If Alzheimer’s is looking at something at something familiar and not knowing what it does and what use it has, then I have to admit, I have Alzheimer’s. Every time I look at George W. Bush, I get Alzheimer’s.
Fortunately, I found something great to look at. I saw my fake daughter’s film “Infidelity”, and it is terrific. Francesca Lee is a wonderful director and film maker. The characters who wrote, developed, and directed were excellent. I look forward to more of her work.
Now for some old jokes:
My hometown is so small, when we have our First Baby Born in the Year Contest, we usually don’t have a winner until late winter.
My hometown is so small, we had a Whoopi Goldberg Look Alike Contest. I won.
Professional athletic salaries are getting out of hand. Team owners now pay some players more than what it cost them to buy the team. I think the day is coming when a team owner is simply going to tell a player: tell you what, the team’s yours. You can everything except the chair in my office. The chair is leaving with me.
Football players amaze me. Frankly, if I get a concussion at work, I’d probably at least take the rest of the day off. A football player gets a concussion, they’re maybe miss a few plays and they’re back in the game. Which makes me realize: football is probably the only sport where you do not even need to be physically be alive in order to play. Just throw the football player’s dead body in front of the guy with the ball. That’s really all you need to do.
I heard a critic complain that no stand up comic today does a show without telling a penis joke. Isn’t that sad? So, here’s my penis joke. How many penises does it take to screw in a light bulb? Come on, women you know the answer. None, because none can stay up long enough to change the bulbs. Anyway, I think, if your penis is screwing in a light bulb, you’re just doing it wrong.
I think President Clinton did an excellent job. Think about it: any executive who can convince an intern to do what he suggested done with a cigar has got to posses some charismatic leadership skills.
I have never shopped at a Kmart. Quite frankly, I don’t even know what a K is, but I’ve lived fine this long without one, so see no need to go shopping for a K.
Have you noticed that you never read that a punk rock band has cancelled a gig because its lead singer has a sore throat?
I was at a party with a friend who is attending a seminary school, and I was amazed that all the single women were gathering around him. I later asked one of the women what is it that women find so fascinating about a man in seminary school. She stated that she finds it erotic knowing that a man is about to foresake women. That little bit of information has provided me with great insight into the differences between how men and women think. Men are thinking “Am I your first?” Women are thinking “Will I be the last you ever have?” No wonder women are so emasculating. Women are thinking, “I’m going to be the last woman you have, one way or another, even if I have to cut it off.” Still, I don’t understand why women would want a man about to become a priest. I don’t want to hear such a woman then complain how men never make a commitment. That man has made a commitment, and believe me, it’s not to to you.
My intensive study of great art works covering thousands of years has brought me to an interesting observation. Apparently it was not until the 20th century that women’s clothing was designed to cover both breasts.
(wearing Dodgers hat). Did you hear on the news that police are looking for a criminal suspect. He is described as being white male between ages 25 and 50 and wearing a Dodgers hat. (change into another hat) It could be worse. Have you ever heard the description given for wanted people who are of African-American descent? Police are looking for a suspect described as “Black”. All Blacks within a ten block radius are to be rounded up for questioning.
I have this message handed to me. Will the woman who left the home pregnancy test is the restroom please claim it? Incidentally, the stick says “positive” I just love telling that and seeing how many guys’ faces go white when I say that.
Why is it that women go to the bathrooms in a group. Women, if you need that much assistance to use a toilet, you’re not doing it right.
Women use a vacuum cleaner once a day and then change the vacuum cleaner bag each every seven days. Men use a vacuum cleaner once every seven years and then just buy a new vacuum cleaner.
Ask a man to fix anything mechanical with a vacuum cleaner, and we’re there. But ask us to change a vacuum cleaner bag, we haven’t got a clue.
(Point to man with a large belly.) Women are mentally challenged. This is what they find sexually attractive.
Parents do their children such a disservice. Especially ones who says things like “play with yourself, and you’ll go blind.” Because you know, somewhere, after hearing that, when Stevie Wonder explains how he inexplicably went blind at the age of 2, there is an 8 year old in the audience raising his hand yelling "I know, Stevie, I know why you went blind.”
It is your job to order lots of drinks. But don’t drink and drive. So, order the drinks, but don’t drink them. I’ll take care of them later.
The military has a policy: Don’t ask, don’t tell. I don’t know what that means. I never asked.
Be assertive when hailing a cab. I’ll show you. When you see a cab, hail it. See, hail. (Make a Nazi salute) See, hail. See whether it stops, and then see whetehr someone then beats you to death.