Here's a Tip For You, or Maybe Not

I never know how to tip or what to tip. Part of the problem is: no one will tell you what is expected. We're always told to "tip what you think is appropriate." No, what I want to know is, "what amount of money are you expecting from me so that the next time I ever see you don't do something disguisting to whatever service it is you provide me." I want to see a price list in writing.

No matter what you tip, you feel awful. If you tip too little, people think you're a cheapstake. If you tip too much, people think you're a sucker. If you tip just right, people figure you're just another average customer, so who cares about you?

Why do we tip some people who interact in our lives for seconds, such as a person who carries my luggage a few feet? Frankly, from my home to this hotel room, I did about 90% of the carrying, and quite honestly, I was capable of doing the remaining 10%. And what are they going to do if I don't tip: spit inside my luggage when I'm not looking?

How come we don't tip dental hygenists? Now, this is a person who you spend more time with than most anyone else you tip, and this person is putting sharp instruments inside your body. I think tipping here would be most appropriate. This is when I wish I were a wiseguy. A wiseguy would tip a dental hygenist. "You pay attention and don't hurt me, and there'll be someone in this for you when we're done."