Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: January 2007

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Health Care and Beheadings, if O.J. Simpson Were Involved

The body of Barzan Ibrahim, Saddam Hussein’s recently executed brother in law, has been buried in Tikrit. His head will be buried in Baghdad.

Now, wasn’t that the worse joke so far this year?

O.J. Simpson states that the account in his book on how he would have killed had he killed is wrong. Of course, had he done the killings, he would know how the account is wrong.

Now, that’s the worst truth so far this year.

I received an email from a politician telling me of a survey that states that 98.9% of those surveyed believe our health care system needs to be improved. What bothers me is that there are 1.2% of Americans who believe our health care system needs should be made worse. Sadly, those are the people who probably need some care of some type.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Cannibal Cows and the Dogs They Adopt

Important rule to always remember: Never hold a Farm Show at the same time as a gun show. Good eating and good showcasing do not go together.

One farmer told how he likes to feed his cattle hamburgers. He claims it turns them into cannibals and makes them meaner. I wonder if that can be packaged” 100% beef, from beef fed cattle.

Some of the food sold is advertised as “world famous”. What does that even mean? Is there a Taliban training camp somewhere with a soldier mentioning “you know, I could really go for some of that world famous Amish pork right about now.” Which brings up another point: if you’re not allowed for religious purpose to eat a food, can you eat it if it is made by another religion? Maybe these two aspects of religion cancel each other out?

I saw the movie “Snakes on a Plane” and I am totally surprised. Why do snakes appear in the coach section and in the cockpit but not in first class? I think the whole movie is an airline industry plot to get people to buy first class tickets. “First class: no snakes are ever allowed in first class.”

Do not go to the dog adoption booth and ask them “you don’t have to feed a dog, do you? They can live on what they catch—right?” When you see the stunned reaction on the dog adoption booth attendant, you can then add “”oh, you’ve never seen my house. There’s plenty of good eating to be caught where I live.” Then see if they let you adapt a dog.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Christopher Walken Advises: Needs More Penguins

I saw Al Gore’s movie “An Inconvenient Truth”. While I thought it was a great film, I can’t believe the people who made this film didn’t realize some basics about film marketing. OK, let me explain it to them. If you’re going to make a film showing lots of snow, in order to attract a larger audience, you need to have some penguins in your film. People these days want to see penguins. Believe me, show penguins fleeing melting snow due to global warming, and you’ll have global warming legislation passed in no time.

I’ve been having trouble at work recently. Someone else keeps getting requests approved over my requests. I told him “you must have a photograph of the boss in bed with two dead women, because I only have a photograph of him in bed with one dead woman and you keep trumping me.” Suddenly, I notice that guy now mostly leaves me alone.

Monday, January 01, 2007

The Truth About a Real Endangered Species: Will Global Warming Shrink Paris Hilton?

Have you ever looked at how stupid people around you are, and then wondered how this species ever survived if this is now us after we’ve gained intelligence?

The flags were set at half mast for Pearl Harbor. I overheard a teenager ask why the flags had been lowered, and a police officer replied “for Pearl Harbor.” The teenager asked, “oh, was she a good Governor?”

We learn from our mistakes. Some of us improve, and others are professional students.

Did anyone catch when President Ford passed away that a television journalist stated “the nation mourns for President Bush…I mean Ford.” No, I think she was correct the first time.

I invested in a foreign natural spring water company. Unfortunately, it turns out customers don’t like a product named that Chernobyl Springs.

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