Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: February 2005

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Monday, February 28, 2005

Join the Vampire Anti-Defamation League

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I notice this blog gains its most attention so far when we discuss Buffy and vampires. I made the observation that vampires are shown as really, poor fighters. On further reflection, I think it is cruel how television portrays all vampires as evil and weak characters. Just because people have some skin disease which makes it difficult to go out in sunlight, we shouldn’t be making fun of them. I believe it is time we created the Vampire Anti-Defamation League and demand that Hollywood better treat vampirism. Not all vampires are evil. Granted, Vlad Tepes Dracula wasn’t too cool putting people’s heads on poles, but don’t judge all vampires by that. Vampires need love, too. So, go out, and love a vampire today.

The other day, I overheard parents speaking to their son. It was “Saddam, come here” and “Saddam, put that down.” I have these words of advice: if you’ve named your son Saddam, it may be time to consider calling him by his middle name. Unless, of course, that middle name is Vlad Tepes Dracula.

Tom Ridge, who formerly headed Homeland Security, is now leading the Board of Directors of Home Depot. I don’t know if anyone told anyone at Home Depot this, but just because it has the word “home” in it does not mean that homeland security is anything like home depot.

A nuclear scientist passed away. While a 21 gun salute may not have been appropriate, I think the 21 atomic blasts were a bit too much.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Book Review: "Experiencing Politics"

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“Experiencing Politics” is a look at legislative politics as observed by a state legislator, John McDonough, who served in the Massachusetts legislature. It is interesting reading one legislator’s account and descriptions of how the legislative process works. Political theory and reality are compared. For instance, the author notes that it was Machiavelli who noted that strong societies channel their political conflicts and social frictions into a democratic process. These democratic battles actually strengthen society. It is governments that suppress conflict that become unstable. He notes this appears to be true, as no democratic government has even gone to war against another democratic government, although I know there are some Pennsylvania Republicans who do seek war against Massachusetts Democrats, but that’s another matter.

The author observes that political mobilization is dominated by wealthier political interests. This is especially noticed in political fights over Massachusetts’s health care system, which is a focus of this book. This fight is particular fierce for one wealthy side’s gain would come at the expense of another wealthy side. This clash of political titans creates a major schism in attempting to make any changes to the current health care system.

While wealthier interests may have advantages, this does not mean that parties with lesser influence are forgotten. The author observes that while political leaders from both parties had favored landlords in revising landlord-tenant law, neither side wished to be publicly identified with landlords. Thus, the legislation was revised in a manner than favored tenants, even though tenants appeared to have less influence over the legislature.

The author urges parties in a political dispute to learn the real and personal interests of the parties involved in the dispute. Knowing these interests and how they would be affected by each step helps in guiding parties as to the risks and rewards of taking alternative steps.

Some political scientists state that political change tends to occur incrementally. While the author concludes this is the usual process, he does argue that comprehensive changes are also possible and should not be overlooked. Comprehensive changes can occur when those with political power perceive that a problem is serious enough that comprehensive changes are required and the political elements are aligned for comprehensive changes to be approved.

It is good to see state legislators writing about their legislative experiences. From notations such as John McDonough’s observation that legendary Massachusetts Senate President William Bulger was not as harsh as his reputation to more general observations about the political process in theory, this book is very useful to people who wish to learn more about state legislatures and politics.

Monday, February 21, 2005

The Truth About Me and Caroline Kennedy

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It is time for me to reveal a deep, dark secret: I was one of Caroline Kennedy’s secret mystery men.

It is true. Remember back when gossipers were wondering what was wrong with Caroline when she was seen in public with this total loser? Yes, that was me. And now, for the true story.

I was having lunch in Manhattan with a friend several years ago when I observed a photographer taking our picture. I pointed this out to my friend, who explained that she is used to it. It seems my friend resembles Caroline Kennedy, and photographers frequently photograph her by mistake.

So, I have never even met Caroline Kennedy. Other than that, I am just sorry our relationship never worked out.

I finally met Robia LaMorte, although just very, very briefly. I had made the mistake of putting “vampires”, as a joke, as one of the keywords to this site. When I began attracting Buffy fans, I redirected them to Robia LaMorte’s web site, as she has a discussion board for Buffy fans to do whatever it is Buffy fans do on the Internet. I only had a few seconds to introduce myself to Robia when really serious Buffy fans interrupted. What was interesting was these fans not only had done outrageous things that show how seriously deranged fans they are, yet there were attempting to inform Buffy cast members of what they had done, as if to prove to everyone that they are more seriously deranged than the next fan. In the midst of these tales of memorizing lines, dressing as characters at all times (every workplace, school, and wedding should have someone dressed as a vampire), and devoting their lives to the Buffy show, one of the cast members (not Robia, and for the actor’s sake, I will not reveal the name) turned to me and whispered “these people need to get a life.” Which makes sense: if you’re that interesting in the living dead, you need to try living life.

Which leads me to put in a plug for Robia’s spoken word CDs. While I am not endorsing any particular religious views, I will state that her frank and honest discussion on how her religious beliefs have helped her, spoken at a level with which young people will identify, are well done and very thought provoking. I would think several Buffy diehards would do better listening to Robia’s CDs rather than devoting their lives to fictional canceled living dead television characters.

My own mind, though, is not any less deranged. I wonder: would automatic flush toilets work for a vampire? In theory, vampires have no reflection and can not be seen in a mirror. (The physics of which makes absolutely no sense, but, again, let us keep reminding ourselves that these are fictional characters so their dimensions are whatever the writer creates.) Do flush toilets work on a similar process whereby a vampire, who has no mirror reflection, would thus not be detected by whatever it is that automatically flushes toilets, or do flush toilets work similar to the human eye, and the toilet would detect the vampire? And who gets to decide this? And, is there any possible military use for such a physical reaction?

What does it mean when a woman says she’s decided not to go out with you because she’s decided she wants to be faithful to the married men she’s dating? I guess it shows that people have morals, and dating me is the other side of the morality line.

I missed catching comics this time, as a comic asked me not to attend. (I guess my reputation precedes me.) Yet, in thinking about comics, I wish to state that I am upset that so many comics today rely upon the lowly use of penis jokes. This is sad, because there are many perfectly good dildo jokes that can be used, instead.

It is perfectly acceptable to mention a dildo on the air, just so long as it is not mentioned for what the dildo is used. Thus, I suppose the following line could be broadcast: “Nice dildo collection you have, lady, so, tell me, what do you use them for?” There can be no broadcasted mention of the use of a dildo in a sexual context. Thus, is there a non-sexual use for dildos? Can we broadcast the line “honey, I have an itch on my back that I can’t reach. To reach it, would you please pass me the dildo?” Are there common household, nonsexual, uses for dildos?

I ran into Gary Owens, who was amazed that I knew a certain studio executive who is my fraternity brother. He told me that people would kill to get to know this guy. I, of course, decided to help this executive’s cut throat image by explaining that, while I never had to kill anyone to get to know this executive, we did have to kill someone as part of being able to join this fraternity. Just helping your image, Mr. Executive. Although I noticed Gary Owens kept away from me the rest of the time.

I did think of the greatest fraternity prank that could ever be pulled. Get a pledge so drunk that you then fly him to Stockholm and get him a sex change operation. When he sobers up, you’ll all be laughing like crazy, I’m certain. Again, I observe Gary Owens continued to keep his distance from me.

It was frightening to see some of my fraternity members. While I admit I am an ugly, big nosed person, as least I will agree that I have aged more gracefully. The others had all gotten bald and grey, and that was just the women. One of my fraternity brothers now commands a nuclear submarine. Which is frightening, as he seemed to drink too much and every now and then would shout out “someday, I’ll pay back all those Beverly Hills snobs. Hey, Rodeo Drive, here’s one big dildo for you.”

Now, you see, that would be an acceptable use of the word “dildo”. The dildo is not being used to enter a person. Although, granted, a giant dildo missile might enter someone briefly, but not long enough for her to enjoy it.

They should make cell phones in the shape of dildos. Women would just set them to vibrate. And that, men, would explain why a woman would never return your calls, although she would appreciate the frequency with which you are calling.

The Los Angeles Times printed an article with a headline “The Lure of Sex Can Drive Roaches to Their Deaths.” Who knew roaches were just like men?

The Los Angeles Times also had a headline reading “Storm Cuts Power, Spawns Tornados, Upsets Pets.” I expected to see a quote reading “when that tornado came through and destroyed our house, boy, was my dog mad.”

I was a little upset when a cab was called for me—and a disabled access vehicle arrived. The cab company had been told some old guy (me) would be using it. I know I am old, but not that old. Next time I see the people who ordered that cab, I’m running them over with my walker. And I'm getting Gary Owens to hold them down for me while I do it.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Fired Up and Ready to Eat a Fly

Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny

An employee can be fired for something said negatively about an employer on a blog, even if the company is not in any way identified. So, let me state, that I hope no one ever figures out that I work for a government office headed by some guy from Connecticut who pretends he’s an Texan, who mispronounces words, and, despite the reality that he has a high IQ, acts like the dumbest thing around. He surrounds himself with advisors who tell him what he wants to hear, and anyone who finds anything factual that disagrees with what they have already concluded is immediately fired. This is a horrible place to work.

Oh, and, incidentally, in case anyone ever does find out my true identity, just let me remind my employers that, although my current boss is excellent and an honorable person, I can mention some other bosses here I’ve worked for who promoted their girlfriends-who-are-not-their-wives to positions over me. Not, of course, that I ever remember such things. I’ve totally forgotten these things. Honest. I don’t think I can recall such things.

Not, of course, that any of that happened. And for those who are really slow, no, I do not work for the White House. Although I would love to have seen Laura Bush's reaction when Condoleeza Rice referred to President Bush as her husband. (I actually am a member of a very secret organization you’ve never heard about that is plotting to take over the White House—we’re called Democrats. I know you probably have never heard about us Democrats, but let me assure you, there are a few of us left. Maybe we are delusional, but maybe someday there may actually be a Democrat back as President. We’re not giving up.) The above is called comedic reference. It is not true. Honest. Except, for maybe the part about Secretary Rice believing she's married to Presidnet Bush. Seriously, do you think anyone would ever place our nation’s security in my hands, me, a failed Ivy League business student from Connecticut who belonged to a fraternity? People like me can never get anywhere in the Federal government. Really.

Does anyone realize that a legislator yesterday, in reaction to a proposal to eliminate the program to spray to reduce the number of flies, proposed having senior citizens take to the streets and eat flies? He even suggested arming each senior citizen with a spider.

See, I don’t have to make up jokes. I just report the facts, and people think it’s funny.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

I Can't Even Make It As a Porn Star

Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny

If you ever see me in a Danish porn video, I can explain.

Now, those are words one probably doesn’t have to say too often. Yet, this is all due to the time I went on a tour for the television show, “Sex and the City”. A Danish film crew came along on the tour. They suddenly and abruptly left soon after the tour started. People who spoke with them came over laughing. It seems the Danish film crew had mistakenly thought this a sex tour, and not a tour for an HBO television show.

One woman, though, was quite upset. She explained she thought they were speaking in broken English. She had been asked “so, how often do you do sex and the city?” She had told them she did it once a week, every Sunday at 9 pm, and that it lasted for a half hour.

I believe President Bush when he denied Jose Canseco’s allegations that Bush was aware of steroid use when Bush was one of the owners of the Texas Rangers baseball team. We all know Bush was strictly a coke head.

I was once on a Los Angeles freeway where I made a mental note that the freeway is as bumpy as the Pennsylvania Turnpike. When I returned, I received a frantic call from my mother asking if I was alright. She was worried since she heard LA had just had an earthquake. It was then that I realized that the bumpiness of the freeway was actually the earthquake. So, for Easterners who wonder what an earthquake feels like, it feels just like driving on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

I've Forgotten More Than Some People Know, and That's Actually Not Good

Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny

This morning, I woke up and realize I had forgotten to watch a television program last night that gave the early warning signs of developing Alzheimer’s.

Maybe forgetting to watch the show is one of the signs.

Actually, forgetfulness is not Alzheimer’s. Looking at something and not knowing what it does or how it works is Alzheimer’s. Unfortunately, every time I look at Congress, I fear I have Alzheimer’s.

I asked Steve Coll, who wrote “Ghost Wars” about our fight against Bin Laden, about how well we are doing detecting if anyone smuggles nuclear weapons into this country. He told that the Secret Service in DC detained a man who had set off their alarms. He had just had a radiation test on his heart. So, the good news is, DC is well protected.

Of course, I have never heard of anyone in any other city being detained after such a medical test…

Today’s newspaper has an item with the headlines “Policeman Hit in Face with Purse.” Yes, there is a police officer anxiously awaiting to receive his citation for that injury.

Monday, February 07, 2005

But Will Elderly Cubans Respect Nepal's Security Force?

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I was busy watching PBS last night. So, who won the Super Bowl?

Fidel Castro announced he is making it a national campaign to increase the average life span in Cuba to age 80. He has banned dying before 80. Anyone caught dying before 80 will be dealt with severely.

Nepal has prohibited criticism of their security force. So, for the record, let me say that Nepal has one super terrific security force. Also, on behalf of Fidel Castro, I have no plans to die.

Does anyone realize that somewhere there is a guy in a strip joint thinking, “you know, in parts of Iraq, this is considered torture?”

I noticed there is a place called the Pain Center in Philadelphia. What, people go there when they want to buy pain? Do they actually make much money selling pain? I noticed a nurse working there, so maybe it is some kind of fantasy role playing place.

Police stopped a four year old who was driving a car. The four year old boy’s attorney states reminded that he still has one month to produce a valid driver’s license before he can be charged with driving without a license. What is this boy’s sentence going to be: a requirement to attend a driver’s refresher course?

At least the four year old boy was not stopped by a member of that terrific Nepal security force. Or by American forces in Iraq. Can you imagine the interrogation of a four year old boy by a female soldier wearing a thong? Yeah, that will make him talk.

Scientists yesterday announced the reason why so many children are fat is because they eat and drink too much sugar. Personally, I am stunned by this news. I had no idea.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

What Would President Warren Beatty's State of the Union Be?

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Warren Beatty is thinking about running for President. If every woman he slept with votes for him, he might get elected.

The problem with the State of the Union falling on Groundhog Day is that George Bush saw his shadow, thought it was a weapon of mass destruction, and now there’ll be six more years of war in Iraq.

Should it disturb me that our local mall’s perpetual motion machine has been turned off? I know there is no such thing as perpetual motion, but why give up on the illusion so easily?

It is interesting learning how foreigners translate English. There is a sign that reads “Do not use door.” A young foreigner thinks, I am not used, I am new and young. This door is not meant for old, used people. It is meant for young people like me. He then uses it and it doesn’t work, and he learns another lesson about America: nothing works right here.

I think it is distasteful that people are already speculation who will be elected the next Pope. Although I note that it is interesting that Alan Keyes states he’s available to run for Pope.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Why Does the FBI Want a Homicide Ruled a Suicide?

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This is a synopsis of some information from Bill Keisling's book on the death of Jonathan Luna.

According to the book, Warren Grace, whom the FBI paid as an informant, was involved in the sale and distribution of heroin along with Deon Lionel Smith and Walter Oriley Poindexter. Jonathan Luna was a federal prosecutor in the Justice Department’s case against Smith and Poindexter. The charges against Poindexter included a murder charge in the death of Alphonso Jones. Warren Grace gave a statement to Baltimore Police that Poindexter killed Jones in retribution for Jones breaking into Poindexter’s drug stashed home.

The informant, Warren Grace, allegedly continued selling heroin and fired weapons “shooting up the neighborhood” while serving as a paid FBI informant. Such activity, if known by the FBI (and Keisling believes it was) violated Grace’s Order Setting Conditions Of Release which required him to refrain from using and being involved with drugs. FBI Special Agent Steve Skinner stated the FBI paid Grace $2,000 while collecting almost 100 hours of surveillance tape showing Grace, Poindexter, and Smith selling heroin. Keisling believes this was an excessive amount of evidence that was gathering without any FBI action stopping the illegal activities. On May 13, 2003, Skinner and other FBI agents raided Smith and Poindexter. Keisling claims the FBI report makes no mention of heroin raided from Grace’s car.

During trial, Kenneth Ravenell, a defense attorney for Smith and Poindexter learned of Grace’s association with the FBI and objected to the prosecution’s failure to disclose this. Ravenell states that Barbara Skidmore, a Senior Pretrial Services Officer stated there were “many violations” concerning the prosecution’s handling of Grace. The Judge in the case, William Quaries, agrees, stating “it is difficult for me to conceive that the government would actually seize drugs from a cooperator and then, on the same day, send him to work a case.” Judge Quaries ordered an investigation into Luna and the FBI. Luna then agreed to a plea bargain with the defense attorneys. Federal nexus prohibits a plea bargain in a murder case that was committed involving an illegal drug transaction. To finalize the plea bargain, Luna would have been required to contradict his earlier comments in court that the murder was drug-dealing related. On the night Luna was going to type the details of the plea agreement, Luna left his office and died before ever finishing writing and signing the agreement.

The transcript of Luna’s last day in court was never prepared. The court reporter, Ned Richardson, told Keisling the FBI views the transcripts as “sensitive”. Luna last left his office without his glasses, which Richardson determined was unusual claiming Luna “needed them to see” and without his cell phone, which Keisling believes suspicious as the movement of a cell phone is traceable and perhaps Luna did not want his movements traced.

Luna was also involved in an investigation into $36,000 of evidence from a bank robbery case that was missing. Luna and an FBI agent signed that the money was put into an evidence lock-up vault, yet it was later reported as missing from the vault. Keisling believes the FBI knows who took the money, and quotes an unnamed expert as stating “you’ll be surprised how fast they’ll solve the mystery of the missing $36,000 once Congress makes sounds of holding hearings.” This is one reason Keisling wishes Congress to hold hearings on the Luna case.

On Luna’s last evening alive, his debit card withdrew $200 from a machine in Newark, Delaware where the security camera was not functioning. His car drove through Route 130 in New Jersey. His debit card bought gas at the Peter J. Camiel Rest Stop in King of Prussia. Again, the security camera was not working. Instead of using his EZ Pass, his car paid cash on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. The turnpike ticket has Luna’s blood on it. Luna is found dead in Ephrata, Pa.

Dr. Barry Walp, Lancaster County Coroner, finds Luna was stabbed 36 times with a knife. He was wearing his Justice Department ID badge when he died. There were four inch wounds on both sides of the neck. There were stab wounds on his back. Many of the other wounds were shallow. Dr. Walp states “you would think they were perhaps after information from the guy when you see something like this” or “perhaps for kicks” someone did this. Luna had ligature marks on his wrists, which means his hands were likely tied. There are no defensive wounds. Two types of blood are found in the car. Luna’s groin had light bruising as if kicked during a struggle. Luna falls into a stream and dies from drowning. Coroner Walp rules the death a homicide. Walp’s successor, Coroner Dr. Garry Kircher and Brecknock Township Police Chief Edward Karcher claim the FBI attempted to convince them to change the ruling to suicide.

Keisling notes the FBI is quick to determine this case. Within two days, anonymous officials told the press Luna’s death was unrelated to his work. The New York Post received and printed reports that Luna was involved in a scandal in New York where the District Attorney’s office was allegedly accepting bribes, yet Luna was not involved in any of the cited cases. An unidentified FBI agent told the press of Internet sex postings by a “Jonathan Luna”, yet, as Keisling points out, it is unlikely Luna, a married man, would have used his real name in public sex postings. An unidentified Justice Department official claims Luna died in an area known for prostitution, yet local police officials dispute this.

150 FBI agents and State Police cadets conducted a shoulder to shoulder search of the scene for evidence. The knife was found two months later in the creek near where Luna died. There were no fingerprints on the knife, perhaps washed away by the water.

A report by the U.S. House Committee on Government Reforms states the FBI has maintained murderers on his informant payroll for as much as 30 years. An internal FBI report in 2000 identified 77 FBI agents who committed crimes from 1986 to 1999, including one who murdered his informant. Keisling argues it not is inconsistent that the FBI could be hiding facts in the Luna case.

In Memory of Connecticut, Which Was Destroyed Yesterday (Or Was It?)

Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny

Yesterday, everyone watching television at 2 pm in Connecticut received an emergency broadcast stating that the entire state of Connecticut should evacuate. And you were reading today’s newspaper thinking: shouldn’t the total destruction of Connecticut be on the front page? Well, it turns out the broadcast was in error. Except: get this, the emergency announcement people decided it would cause more confusion to rescind the announcement. Huh? How is telling people that the announcement was a mistake and not to panic is less confusing?

If the announcement had been real, do they seriously expect an entire state, especially one of the most densely populated, to be able to evacuate? The highways would be more like a huge parking lot. Plus, how far away should people in Connecticut evacuate? If they are not evacuating people in Rhode Island, does one magically become safe once crossing into Rhode Island? Or should people head for Massachusetts or for New York?

Of course, my favorite part of the evacuation announcement was that the emergency would last from 2:15 until 3:15? Huh? The entire state should evacuate and then reenter at 3:15? Most people in Connecticut wouldn’t even make it to the border within an hour. If the emergency is only going to last for an hour, shouldn’t the announcement be that everyone should stay at home and weather the emergency? I think someone in emergency announcements needs to rethink a lot of things.

What is in the newspaper is a headline that reads “Man accused of killing wife to have competency exam.” Well, if he killed his wife, he appears quite competent to me. Incompetent people would have messed the whole thing up.

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