Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: May 2006

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Vacation Fads: Finding Who's Your Daddy and Virgin Shopping

Parking in Philadelphia has always been a problem. In fact, had there been adequate parking in 1776, the delegation from Ontario would have stuck around and we would have had 14 original colonies.

Ask not whether your Congressman hides in the closet. Ask what your Congressman hides in his freezer.

Or, perhaps I should ask what Walt Disney has been hiding. I recently went to Walt Disney World. It was funny finding a pack of cigarettes left, I presume, by the previous room occupant. Or maybe this is the new Disney: free cigarettes for the kiddies.

I actually felt sorry for Darth Vader. People kept running up to him screaming “you do realize how high my Verizon bill is?”

Is there a reason why the Hall of Presidents is next to the Haunted Mansion? At least one of the two will scare you to death. The really frightening part is the robotic George W. Bush that talks on and on for several minutes. The robot is obviously fake because it is so coherent, like a pod from outer space had taken over our President. People were fleeing screaming.

I was on the Haunted House ride when it died. I figured, well, if any ride should die…

I hope the tired teenager who operates the Big Thunder ride knows never to allow Manute Bol onto that ride. For those unfamiliar with it, it is a roller coaster which will decapitate anyone that tall. Decapitated visitors are not good for family theme parks.

There were “Speed Hump” signs instead of “Speed Bump” signs near the resorts. Unfortunately, some guests thought that meant that was were they were to go for quickies.

Walt Disney World is really crowed with long lines, and not really a great place for parents and small children. At one point, a mother with triplets turned to me and begged me “kill me now, please kill me.” It is a great place to observe couples. There are happy young couples holding hands gleefully running to catch a roller coaster. There are other couples dragging children in their hands facing each other telling each other simultaneously “we’re never having more children.”

Other parents get frustrated and very pushy. I saw parents thrusting their children to the front of the line, without anyone regard to the safety of their children and others, screaming that they have to get onto that particular ride immediately or someone would die. In fact, they start swearing they don’t care if one of their children gets killed in this effort: they can always get another child, but today’s their last day of vacation and they can’t get another day. Walt Disney World is a true test of mental stability.

Other behavior I observed is also interesting. I heard one mother say to her child “now, you have to find your daddy…How about that man over there, you like him?”

I visited International Village and tried a taste of all 22 countries: until I realized there were only 11 countries and the village is organized into a circle.

Pleasure Island, where nightclubs are, was Disney mild. In fact, there was a Virgin stoe there, and there were a lot of disappointed foreigners who thought they were selling something else there. I noticed that parts of Disney were segregated along obvious means: there is a BET Black Entertainment Club, a Key West lodge, and, what really surprised me, a Trent Lott Lodge.

I went on the Mission to Mars ride. For those unfamiliar with it, it mimics what it would be like to be blasted into space. It was cute as during the liftoff part of the video, I heard a little boy ask “daddy, is this real?” No, it is not real. Yet, if anyone ever figures out how to turn Mars into a tourist park, be assured it will be Disney.

Other children quickly catch on that things are not real at Disney. Yet, they catch on so well that they then refuse to accept when something is real. When some ducks landed in the middle of the park, I heard a child ask “are those ducks real?”

Disney is good for teaching students basic of economics. They learn how a monopoly operates by discovering that when you are trapped in a monopolistic Disney park you will pay three dollars for a 50 cent soda.

Walt Disney World is perfectly safe. Company policy states that should someone die at Walt Disney World, the body will be immediately taken care of, wrapped up, and left off at Universal Park.

I stayed at the Animal Kingdom Lodge that overlooks an animal refuge. They warned me not to wake up and expect to see a giraffe looking my window every morning. That didn’t bother me. What did bother me was waking up and seeing a couple from Nebraska looking into my window every morning.

While at Disney, visitors were constantly being reminded to refrain from eating, drinking, and smoking during the various performances. I like how they always use the word “refrain”. What if one does refrain but can’t resist?

Working some of the Disney jokes has got to become monotonous. I always wonder what the lifespan is of someone who works the “It’s a Small World” ride is, listening to that song over and over again all day long, every day…

Friday, May 12, 2006

Farewell, and I Unplugged the Appliances

For years, I have always struggled with this potentially important problem I might someday face: I become a writer on a comedy television show and we need to kill off the lead character on the final episode in a funny manner. Yet, I have never been able to think of a truly funny way to die. Every death has some tragic and sadness and any comedic element seems to always be greater than any funny moments leading up to the death.

Then, in yesterday's news, I found it: a supermodel wealthy enough to have a bathroom in her limousine somehow experienced a malfunction and would up deposited upon the highway. Fortunately, she survived, but was hospitalized.

Then, I realized: that would be the funniest way to die. There is no way anyone could explain that death without some giggling overcoming someone. That is the one funny death.

Frankly, if you are falling though the lavatory in your limousine, you either have way too much money as maybe something is telling you limousines are not meant to have lavatories installed in them—or—you have to be way too thin if you can fall through a lavatory onto a highway.

Thus, I emailed my executrix and requested that, should I die, I requested she send to my alumni magazine news that I died in a highway accident involving a limousine lavatory malfunction. I also instructed that she accidentally list herself, for purpose of collecting memorial contributions, as my dominatrix instead of executrix, and see if the magazine publishes it that way. I should think that is how my classmates would want to remember me.

She emailed back suggesting instead that I be listed as having died from falling from a tree in Fiji. That is also good. I like the way she thinks. She could make a career out of this: agreeing to write creative obituaries for a fee.

My intern emailed to say she dreamed my plane will crash. I think this is wishful thinking as she wants to take my job. So, if this is my posting, so long, and have my intern checked as to whether she was anywhere near my plane.

Announcement: Universe to End; Unplug All Appliances

We at the Whisastar Institute have good news and bad news.

The good news is we have made major advancements in recreating the conditions of the beginning of the universe. This recreation will provide us with much valuable data for better understanding the origins of the entire known universe. This will be a scientific advancement of tremendous value to researchers.

The bad news is the recreation appears to be occurring beyond our control and will create a brand new universe in place of the current universe. While this is exciting news for those life forms that will benefit from this new universe—indeed, this should herald us for creating this opportunity for their existence—the creation of the new universe will obliterate the current, existing universe, causing the cessation of all life.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

We are sorry for all those who tried so hard to achieve higher levels of enlightenment. It seems all those efforts were not necessary. We hope all exiting life forms enjoy the spontaneous achievement of these next levels. And, again, we apologize for obliterating the universe. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made in the name of science.

The known universe will be destroyed in a fraction of a second from now. We recommend all to spend this remaining time getting their affairs in order, although, really, isn’t that sort of pointless in the long run?

If possible, please turn off all electrical appliances before the end of the universe. No sense in wasting energy needlessly.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Absolutely Nothing Controversial Here, Honest.

The California debates for Governor were broadcast, in English, only on the Spanish language radio stations. Which lead to listeners around the state to simultaneously say “Que?”

One of the highlights between the candidates was when Phil Angelides declared to Steve Westly “you stood up to Arnold Schwarzenegger like Ed McMahon stood up to Johnny Carson.” Which lead to listeners around the state to simultaneously say “Huh?”

A former Republican Chairman was arrested in Kentucky on charges that he shot two people. As Dick Cheney will explain, the crime is that is one person over the limit.

I know what would be the next guaranteed best seller: the author discovers clues that Jesus used to go to the mount with other men for more than sermons, if you get my meaning. (Any impure thoughts from here on are your own: surely I am writing only about practicing his speaking before an audience).

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Book Review: "Washington State Government and Politics"

The politics of the State of Washington is one that has emerged from strong progressive and populist sentiments, according to some of the scholars whose works have been collected in this very useful volume of information explaining Washington politics and governance. This book is an excellent reference explaining how the various branches of Washington government operate and the background to how they become as they are.

Washington began as a state founded by optimistic settlers with utopian dreams, and to some degree that sentiment continues resonating. It has been an activist state which tends to have one of the largest percent of female legislators. Washington was one of the first states to enacted abortion rights and to create a state Equal Rights Amendment. Still, there also exists a strong conservative base, as was noted when Democratic House Speaker Tom Foley was defeated by a ‘Gingrich Revolution’ candidate in 1994.

Comparisons between the Washington government, including its legislature, and governing in other states can be made through examining this book. As in other states, Washington voters appear to dislike their legislature but support their particular legislator, showing legislators have a closer connection to their voters even if the public doesn’t always like the legislative results.

Washington is an initiative and referendum state which allows voters to place policy questions before voters to decide. This process thus often restricts legislators in how they may handle issues and debatably makes Washington more open to public interaction in policy making. On the other side, this places decisions more into the hands of interests in elections and less into the hands of a representative democracy. The legislature has found it is very constrained in developing a state budget as previous referendums require limiting expenditures and revenues as well as calling for mandated spending. This leaves limited flexibility in shaping a budget, which has become more of a concern in recent years as the state has been experience decreasing economic growth.

Some authors consider Washington as having a “moralistic political culture” with citizens placing high expectations of strong performances from their public officials. The political parties are considered by authors in this book to be relatively weak. Voters have weak political party affiliation. There has been a growing increase in the number of ballot questions over the last couple decades, indicating the voters are more apt in Washington to take major issues into their own hands rather than allowing political leaders to become as involved as they may be in other states.

A unique role is provided to the Lt. Governor who often only presides over the Senate in most states. The Washington Lt. Governor chairs the Senate Rules Committee in addition to presiding over the Senate and makes appointments to several commissions and task forces. This makes their Lt. Governor potentially more influential than Lt. Governors from other states.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Sorange You Glad Bush Can At Least Catch a Fish?

I wish people would stop criticizing President Bush for stating that the greatest moment of his life was when he caught a 7.5 pound perch. I totally agree with President Bush: that was his greatest moment.

In fact, Bush was so happy with his fish he ran into the White House and told Dick Cheney "see, and I did it without hooking my fishing partner in the face."

Already we are recycling old stories. The story of the sinking of the Poseidon is being circulated again. That and the story of a Kennedy getting into a car accident and having no recollection of what happened.

New Jersey has dropped its slogan “Come see for yourself.” Apparently too many did come and see for themselves, and then left. Maybe they should have gone for “yo, stick around, get comfortable, take a load off.”

Good news: Gene Weingarten has taken on my suggestion that we create a word to rhyme with orange. Sorange you glad for that?

Friday, May 05, 2006

A Rolling Stone Gathers No Nigerian Moss

If the President really wanted to gain the public’s support for a war, he would vow to track down the bases of those computer geeks in Nigeria and destroy their global operations of spam.

Keith Richards was released from the hospital. Unfortunately, there was a little mix-up when the discharging nurse looked at him and accidentally ordered a hearse instead of a cab.

Due to rising gas prices, this year’s Indianapolis 500 race can only afford to be 492 laps.

The memorial to the September 11 terrorist attack victims will cost over one billion dollars. I do not wish to offend anyone, but somehow I think the victims might have preferred, for one billion dollars, that a more fitting memorial would be one used to improve the health and education of their New York neighbors.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Fahrenheit 68

I have decided to apply to Harvard. For my admission essay, I am telling about this book I am writing. The book is called “Fahrenheit 68”. That is the temperate that hackers find it comfortable to work while they search the Internet and delete other people’s journals, blogs, and other writings. This is a fictional era, as we know such hackers would never be tolerated in our society.

I saw a new airplane that is so large, first class passengers arrive at LAX and coach arrives at Burbank airport.

Philadelphia police had an embarrassing realization. It seems when they were reading the Miranda rights to Spanish speaking people, they were mistranslating “you have a right to a lawyer” to “you have a right to a woman.” No wonder people wish to come to America: we certainly are a land of opportunity. Even if you mess up and get arrested, you get a woman.

I am organizing a Dyslexic Pride march. We’ll block off Fifth Avenue for the march, and then we’ll march down 48th Street.

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