How Many Goats for a Turd Blossom?

Yesterday was Mick “don’t trust anyone over 30” Jagger’s birthday. Which now means, don’t trust anyone over 70. Especially if you expect them to do your shopping without writing things down.

A Kenyan government official offered Bill Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows if Bill would allow his son to marry Chelsea. (You can’t make this stuff up.) Bill politely turned down the offer, but he did try to see if the official would take Hillary instead.

Today’s lesson: It is difficult to converse rationally with irrational people.

Remember the union motto- Solidarity Forever. Or, at least until your unions split-up.

George Bush affectionately calls Karl Bush “turd blossom”. Yet, some newspapers have censored a cartoon that included this nickname. When did “turd blossom” become an unprintable word? If you ask me, this is all a bunch of turd.

It is reported that Osama Bin Laden several years ago wanted to make cocaine so it would poison the American youth. I think he called it “crack”.

My commentary for the day: John Roberts advised Governor Jeb Bush in 2000 to have the Republican majority in the Florida legislators select Florida’s electors, thus allowing George W. Bush to become President. Hello. Having the Supreme Court determine the winner was controversial enough, but it least they are the highest court of the land. How effective a President did John Roberts expect George W. Bush to be if the public felt he his victory had essentially been determined by the Republican members of the Florida legislature? Does that represent the sound thinking one should expect from a jurist: allowing George Bush to become President?

Give Me Liberty, or Give Me Death, In Fact, Please, Give me Death

Former Governor Don Siegelman of Alabama has called for “mandatory castration and the death penalty” for sex offenders. My only advice: if in some future you are a convicted sex offender in Alabama, upon sentencing, consider taking the death penalty first, and not second.

A gentleman lights up a cigarette, puts it in his ear, and slowly blows the smoke out his mouth. A telephone rings. Confused, he picks up his stapler. Then he picks up his ruler. He realizes his mistake, picks up the telephone, and answers, “hello, military intelligence.” He listens excitedly. The caller has found the weapons of mass destruction. He found some in silos in America….

I am awaiting a future of segment of “Cops”, where you see Karl Rove running down the street in a t-shirt from arresting officers. Now, that would be television.

A Great Legal Mind...As Soon as We Ever Find One

Archeologists have found original tabloid transcripts of the court of Solomon.
Apparently, some of his actual legal decisions may have altered from what we hear of them. In the case of Mother Roe v Mother Doe, in which two women claimed ownership of the same child, Judge Solomon diverted from a strict interpretation of Stone Law precedent and ordered the baby cut in two with each woman to receive half the baby. The transcripts indicate that Mother Roe reacted by declaring “are you nuts?” and Mother Doe reacted by shouting “the Judge is a lunatic.” The outcome of Judge Solomon’s ruling was overturned by the Appealed Stone Court, although there is some indication that the sewing up of the baby was not as successful as expected.

Cat Killer Rides Boston Subway

You can’t make news like this up. The Governor of Massachusetts, Milt Romney (who refused to pick Jim Rappaport as his running mate and thus is condemned to failure, but I digress) decides to show his support for mass transit by riding a Boston subway. Unfortunately, all he did was show is how it really was a media show where he has little idea what riding a subway is like. First he pays the wrong fare, which showed he has no clue how much it even costs (or else shows he really is a rich deadbeat who doesn’t believe he needs to pay full fare). Then, he learns the painful truth of what it is like to rid the subway: first a homeless person accosts him, and then a crazy woman screams at his that “you killed my cats”. Yes, that’s what rail commuters have to put up with every day, Governor.

Mike Dukakis rode the subways regularly when he was Governor. Of course, times were rosier then, and the crazy woman thought people were only roughly petting her cats. Unfortunately, Dukakis should have asked to drive a subway instead of a tank, and maybe he’d have gone further in politics than he did.

Ohio state government lost money by investing in a coin collection. I guess it could have been more embarrassing: they could have invested in Star Wars figurines. Which, ironically, would have probably actually lost them then less money than they did loose and would not have been as scandalous.

We Don't Leaves No Children Behind

I wonder what advice columns would look like in the animal kingdom?

Dear Carolyn Hax,
As a single female praying mantis, I am disappointed in the inability of my boyfriend to commit to our relationship. Should I move on? He keeps promising I can bite his head off, yet whenever I approach the subject of settling down and biting it off, he changes the subject. Sometimes I think he wants a relationship without the work. Is this relationship over?

Dear Carolyn Hax,
I am supposed to be king of the jungle, but tell that to my lioness wife. I can’t get her to do anything. We used to have a healthy, active two hour a day life, but now she insists on sleeping 23 hours a day. How do I get the spark back into our marriage?

Dear Carolyn Hax,
Just because I am an amoeba, my friends make fun of my lack of a regular sex life. When will others learn to be sensitive to the life style choices of their friends and neighbors without judging them?

I would question any school with a sign “We Don’t Leaves No Children Behind” on its building. Come on, the sign could blow down and hurt a child.

Not funny, but a note I sent a note to Molly Ivins. She made note that a conservative estimate is that 20,000 Iraqi civilians have died during the present war. Anyone else who is able to pass it along, please feel free to do so:

Please pass along to Ms. Molly Ivins that a Defense Department study of Desert Storm and its aftermath placed a conservative estimate that over 200,000 Iraqi civilians died. I note this because this report has been little quoted as the Defense Department does not want the public to know the extent of civilian deaths, as one of the lessons they learned during the Viet Nam War was the negative reactions to death counts. Still, I believe it is important for the public to understand the distrust of American occupation of a country that associates our presence with over 200,000 deaths in the recent past. Saddam Hussein was brutal and his deaths were deliberate. Still, Americans need to understand how our actions affect the Iraqi population, and how this affects how they react to us.

The Half Blood Prince Revealed Here!

Sandra Bullock married Jesse James. Now, I know every comic tomorrow will have the same joke, but come on, what do they expect? The guy has to be pushing 200 years old by now.

Here is a list to stimulate discussion. It is a list of most recognizable stars. Now, I know some of them come with an aesterick, because some are known for things beyond being a movie star. But, in general, this is a list of names you can walk into most bars, malls, and trailer parks and mention these names, and chances are, six out of ten people will have heard of these names:

1. Ronald Reagan
2. Elvis Preseley
3. Marilyn Monroe
4. Charlie Chaplin
5. John Wayne
6. Groucho Marx
7. Bob Hope
8. Katherine Hepburn
9. Jack Nicholson
10. Elizabeth Taylor
11. Tom Hanks
12. Marilyn Chambers
13. Cary Grant
14. Clark Gable
15. Jimmy Stewart
16. Alfred Hitchcock (OK, he only did walk-ons; but he is known for film)
17. Julia Roberts
18. Judy Garland
19. Peter Sellers
20. Lassie (actually a composite of various different actors pretending to be the same)

What do you think? Rant on.

This just in: Karl Rove called to tell me that Valerie Plame is the half blood prince. You read it here first.

Crossdressing Deer, or 'Dressing the Cross Dear Issue

I found a web site for an upcoming show. What I like is where the website states the tickets are: "Price: Free to the Public. Check for Discounts." Know how I can get one of those discounted tickets?

Someone has suggested, for curbing the deer population, they should be shot with tranquilizers during their mating system. Yes, drugs before mating is a sure fire way to prevent pregnancy. Millions of pregnant teenagers will confirm that theory.

Incidentally, for all women named Bambi (and what were your parents thinking?), did you know Bambi was a male deer? Bambi is actually a male name. Lassie was also a male, but he was portraying a female (or, Lassie’s family were incredibly stupid as to sex), so Lassie is a female name, which kind of makes Lassie television’s second cross dresser behind Milton Berle. Although Berle can be a female name, which is fine since Berle was pretending to be a woman.

Who told Karl Rove that Valerie Plame was a CIA agent? Do political operatives get a copy of the CIA phone directory?

Eminem and Jack Nicklaus both retired today. Eminem will relax and play golf, which I guess means Jack Nicklaus will relax and sing rap.

My advice to one reader who laments about life: When you run only with players, don’t be surprised to learn that all you see is show.

Karl Rove Is NOT the Source of the Angelina Jolie Non-pregnancy Story

British intelligence continues to confirm that Angelina Jolie is not pregnant. There were some concerns when she was recently seen with a new child. Yet, analysis of satellite images of Ms. Jolie indicate that the child may have been adopted and not the result of her pregnancy, which, of course, she is not. Any further developments will be provided by Karl Rove in a secret briefing live on Fox News.

I saw a person print a bunch of stickers that read “and testicles”. I wondered what he was going to do with them. Finally, I saw. I was in a restaurant bathroom, where, underneath their sign “Employees must wash hands”, was one of his stickers.

Speaking of restaurants, I had an unusual experience. At a restaurant with tray service, I always leave a dollar tip for the bus person. Recently, the person at the register overcharged me a dollar. When I attempted to point this out, his ability to speak English immediately left and I was greeted by sputtering in an incoherent (and I believe a non-existent) language. Seeing that the person who worked the register also was the bus person, I decided not to leave my usual tip. What I found interesting was, the bus person, expecting the tip, suddenly regained his English speaking ability when he saw his usual tip was missing. Confronted by an irate employee (and aren’t we the customers), we did the first thing that came to mind, and started chanting the first civil rights slogan that came to mind: “Attica, Attica, Attica”. I have a feeling we won’t be eating there for awhile.

In taking a train from New York to Washington, someone entered the train in Penn Station and asked someone “Washington?”, to which the wise guy responded “No, this is New York.” The person started to leave the train. I tried to grab him and tell him that this is, indeed, the train to Washington. Yet, he didn’t believe me and stated he would look for a conductor. I guess I don’t have a trustworthy face. To which, I can only respond, “Attica, Attica, Attica!”

British Intelligence Confirms Angelina Jolie Is Not Pregnant

I hate to make light of tragedy, but continuous cable television of today’s bombings in London had its limits. When the news first came out this morning, it would have been intellectually more honest if the announcers had simply said “we have received reports of bombings in London. All we know is: there were explosions, followed by smoke.” For the next half hour, the news reporters sought to see how many different ways they could say this limited bit of information. Cameras began interviewing witnesses, the first who stated he heard an explosion, and then saw smoke. Another witness confirmed he, too, heard an explosion followed by smoke. Eventually, someone stated he heard an explosion, to which the interviewer could do a follow-up question “was there also smoke?”

About a half hour later, news reports added that there had been pandemonium. Witnesses were found who confirmed that, yes, there had been pandemonium. One cable network actually found an expert in pandemonium, who explained that, in attacks such as these, pandemonium indeed was an expected reaction. I wonder how one gets to be such an expert. Oh, and, the expert was able to confirm: there was also smoke.

President Bush responded immediately, and made a Freudian slip, stating he this would let the terrorists get to him. He did quickly correct himself and stated this would not let the terrorists give to him. Perhaps the smoke had gotten to him.

Breaking news included reports that Israeli intelligence learned about these attacks after they occurred, and not before. Indeed, I suspect even the CIA learned about these attacks after they occurred, although I have not seen confirmation of this.

But the top news items of the day is the major, breaking news: Angelina Jolie is still not pregnant.

Sex And Lesbians, But No Vampires and No Christopher Lloyd

Despite beginning this blog by stating there would be no sex, lesbians, vampires, and Christopher Lloyd mentioned here, we have since violated that and mentioned each and every one (not, of course, to insinuate that Christopher Lloyd is a vampire, or a lesbian, which, quite frankly, would be very confusing.) Rachel Kramer Bussel, a fantastic writer and editor of writings dealing favorably and respectfully about lesbian relationships and sexual awareness also has a great blog on comedy. So, people can think about both sex and comedy, although, it is usually not a good idea to laugh out loud during sex as it can confuse one's partner. So, go take a look at Rachel Kramer Bussel's blog: funnyboysandgirls.blog.com/ Enjoy.

Maybe The Whig Party Should Modernize and Become the Toupee Party

The Whig Party National Committee has adopted a slogan, which can be used by many entities within the United States: “Entering the 20th Century In Time for the 21st Century”. The Whigs have received some flack over their endorsement of gay marriage, but remember: these are men who wear wigs. What did you expect?

It has been announced that someone did a study that shows that children who watch more television and study less tend to get worse grades in school than students who study more and watch less television. This study was obviously conducted by someone who watched a lot of television as a child.

Speaking of television, I have some advice I wish to provide as a public service. If your wife announces that the Jerry Springer show is flying you both free of charge to be on the show, and that your neighbors are going too, along with your brother, you should be able to figure out what’s going to happen next. If not, email me, and I’ll explain.

More Mikey...and Countdown on Angelina Jolie's Non-pregnancy

The headline of today’s newspaper is that Angelina Jolie is not pregnant. I guess the press will maintain constant coverage of Angelina Jolie’s not being pregnant with daily updates.

What did Mickey Rooney say when he met Henny Youngman?
Take my wife, please, take my wife, please, take my wife, please, take my wife, please, take my wife, please, take my wife, please, take my wife, please, take my wife, please.

Eight Is Enough...Wives, That Is

I saw Mickey Rooney and his lovely wife Jan today. They have been married over 35 years, which is fantastic especially for Hollywood standards. Of course, this is Mickey’s eighth wife. So, of course his marriage would last so long: he’s hard more practice than anyone at it.

Some July 4 political commentary:

It is sad to see politicians politicize our American flag by wrapping themselves around the flag and stating there should be a Constitutional amendment to ban burning the flag. Since there have been very few instances where anyone has burned the flag, I dislike politicians who seek grandeur gallantly proclaiming a solution to a problem that doesn’t exist. Now, I am against burning the flag, and I would be among those protesting should anyone state they are going to burn the American flag. Still, the person who burns the flag has a right to free expression, and here is why. I salute Chinese dissidents who openly oppose their country. I would cheer seeing Chinese dissidents burning the Chinese flag, or Cuban dissidents burning the Cuban flag, or Iranian dissidents burning the Iranian flag. Yet, I can not be a hypocrite and state I support such actions and then oppose anyone from every doing the same in my country. We need to lead by example.

What is really needed is a law banning politicians from using the flag in political advertisements. This is a real problem where the flag is abused. Yet, I believe you will hear few politicians call for action in these situations where a law is actually needed.

Peace Out, Killer Deer

You are more likely to be killed by a deer than you are a shark. Sure enough, the last time I was at the beach, sure enough, a vicious deer swam out and attacked me.

The Washington Post is asking for regional interpretations of the Pledge of Allegiance. I have one for Pennsylvanians: “Yo, give it up for the man’s colors. Peace out.”

I keep seeing GOD on the highway, rolling down the road past me. Of course, the trucks are for Guarantee Overnight Delivery. Yet, surely they were aware of what they were doing when they put GOD in big letters on the side of their truck. I wonder if there is only true, correct Guarantee Overnight Delivery, and all others are heretical wannabes?

Join the Whig Party...Better Late than Never

The Whig Party, one of America’s oldest political parties, encourages continued public support of our causes. The following is the Official Platform of the Whig Party National Committee:

FOREIGN AFFAIRS. A continued suspicious of British world domination must be held in the foremost of attention. We fear that Tony Blair is capable of feeding us false intelligence in an effort to dupe us into using expanding our precious military resources on a useless war against a foe who presents us no immediate harm. We need to maintain our strong relationship with our true friend, the French, even if they are a bit eccentric at times.

PROHIBITION We need to discourage the improper overuse of such dangerous substances as drugs, marijuana, alcohol, tobacco, and sugar. The use of each should be legal but the distribution should be strictly regulated and monitored and anyone violating these laws should be dealt with harshly, perhaps with some time in the stockade.

PRISON REFORM The concept of penitentiary needs to be revitalized. Punishment is where one needs to be penitent and rehabilitated. Prison terms that are too lengthy, and where prisoners are kept primarily in contact and learning from other prisoners, only breeds angrier and more educated prisoners. Again, some stockade time can be useful, especially for tourism when beautiful young females need to be penitent.

GAY MARRIAGE Everyone should be allowed to be gay when they get married. Frankly, we’re more worried if people are sad when they get married.

WAR DEPARTMENT Soldiers need more body armor. The medieval knights had it right. How did we get away from body armor and think soldier won’t get hurt by just wearing a flimsy uniform?

WOMAN’S CHOICE OVER HER BODY If a woman wishes any type of medical procedure, she should not be required to get the permission of her husband, boyfriend, clergy, or the government. She should be free to get a nose job, tummy tuck, or whatever she wants, without first requiring approval from another person.

IMMIGRATION Just as long as someone is not entering our country to do it damage, such as a British terrorist, then this nation, which was built on welcoming people escape economic and religious oppression or who want a better chance at even the possibility of meeting Michelle Pfeiffer should be welcome to this country.

SLAVERY We oppose any effort to overturn laws outlawing slavery.

ALTERNATIVE ENERGY SOURCES We fear there is a limited supply of wood and other natural resources for energy, and that we may become too dependant upon foreign sources such as Canada (who maintains strong ties with her British protectorate) for our supply of wood who could manipulate the price to harm our economy, and we thus strongly urge the development and implementation of alternative energy sources such as the wind and air.

ECONOMIC CONVERSION As industries such as buggy whips and blacksmiths lose employment, we need to plan ahead so dislocated workers and their families may survive economically and with health care benefits. We need to invest in job retraining, job search, and job creation efforts.

There No's No Crying in Baseball...Except From Wives

I attended a professional baseball game where I had the interesting experience of sitting behind the starting pitcher’s pregnant wife. I know this because the proud wife made a point of yelling out, while her husband was throwing his warm-up pitches, “that’s my husband, that’s my husband.” Unfortunately, her excited yells were silenced early in the first inning as her husband got shelled mercilessly, yielding six earned runs. The woman then became embarrassed, and turned to everyone and issued a correction; “I do not know this man, I do not know this man.” The pitcher continued giving up hits and making wild pitches. I fear her shouts contributed to his bad outing. For instance, what starting pitcher can concentrate on his game when his wife then starts shouting out “that’s it, we’re getting divorced.” Further, I don’t think it was helpful to the pitcher when she shouted “this baby isn’t yours. You hear me? This is your brother’s baby.” Behind every successful man, there’s a woman. And behind every failure, as well.