Join the Whig Party...Better Late than Never

The Whig Party, one of America’s oldest political parties, encourages continued public support of our causes. The following is the Official Platform of the Whig Party National Committee:

FOREIGN AFFAIRS. A continued suspicious of British world domination must be held in the foremost of attention. We fear that Tony Blair is capable of feeding us false intelligence in an effort to dupe us into using expanding our precious military resources on a useless war against a foe who presents us no immediate harm. We need to maintain our strong relationship with our true friend, the French, even if they are a bit eccentric at times.

PROHIBITION We need to discourage the improper overuse of such dangerous substances as drugs, marijuana, alcohol, tobacco, and sugar. The use of each should be legal but the distribution should be strictly regulated and monitored and anyone violating these laws should be dealt with harshly, perhaps with some time in the stockade.

PRISON REFORM The concept of penitentiary needs to be revitalized. Punishment is where one needs to be penitent and rehabilitated. Prison terms that are too lengthy, and where prisoners are kept primarily in contact and learning from other prisoners, only breeds angrier and more educated prisoners. Again, some stockade time can be useful, especially for tourism when beautiful young females need to be penitent.

GAY MARRIAGE Everyone should be allowed to be gay when they get married. Frankly, we’re more worried if people are sad when they get married.

WAR DEPARTMENT Soldiers need more body armor. The medieval knights had it right. How did we get away from body armor and think soldier won’t get hurt by just wearing a flimsy uniform?

WOMAN’S CHOICE OVER HER BODY If a woman wishes any type of medical procedure, she should not be required to get the permission of her husband, boyfriend, clergy, or the government. She should be free to get a nose job, tummy tuck, or whatever she wants, without first requiring approval from another person.

IMMIGRATION Just as long as someone is not entering our country to do it damage, such as a British terrorist, then this nation, which was built on welcoming people escape economic and religious oppression or who want a better chance at even the possibility of meeting Michelle Pfeiffer should be welcome to this country.

SLAVERY We oppose any effort to overturn laws outlawing slavery.

ALTERNATIVE ENERGY SOURCES We fear there is a limited supply of wood and other natural resources for energy, and that we may become too dependant upon foreign sources such as Canada (who maintains strong ties with her British protectorate) for our supply of wood who could manipulate the price to harm our economy, and we thus strongly urge the development and implementation of alternative energy sources such as the wind and air.

ECONOMIC CONVERSION As industries such as buggy whips and blacksmiths lose employment, we need to plan ahead so dislocated workers and their families may survive economically and with health care benefits. We need to invest in job retraining, job search, and job creation efforts.