I Bombed in Bagdad

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I overheard about an Easter egg hunt where, inside the eggs, children found dental floss, toothpaste, and shampoo. Therein lies the innocence of youth: they’re too young to know they’re being shortchanged.

Children, though, eat too much candy. They eat too much fat. Obesity is becoming a major concern. A few decades ago, it was rare to see 300 pound football players in the NFL. It is now commonplace to see 300 pound players in high school football. Today, players pile on top of the pigskin to eat it.

If you’re poor, it is becoming more difficult to get health care. George Bush as Governor and now as President has been seeing to that. Of course, I realized, if you’re poor and need health care, announce you’re in a coma, and then Bush will do everything he can to keep you alive.

There was an interesting news item about life in Iraq where Iraqis are having difficulty adjusting to their old traditions on ethnic jokes. It used to be commonplace to make fun of Kurds and Sunnis, but now, it no longer is “politically correct” to do so, mostly because they're armed and they don't like being dissed. So, to help break the ice, let me, as an American, tell some Iraqi ethnic jokes (I can get away with us because my country has the atomic bomb so you Iraqis have to laugh at everything I say):

How many Kurds does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There hasn’t been electricity here for two years.

A Kurd and a Sunni walk into a bar. The bartender says “I can’t serve you two.” They ask, why, is it because we are a Kurd and a Sunni? The bartender answers “No, because our religion prohibits alcohol.”

You do realize, in Iraq, that all “knock, knock” jokes are the same:
“Knock, knock”.
“Take cover!!”

Why What You Know About Las Vegas and Sex Might Be Wrong

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The Mayor of Las Vegas has formed a political action committee that will be run by a man the Mayor called “the dumbest Jew I ever met” and will be overseen by someone the Mayor called “the lowest form of human being.” And this is in Las Vegas, yet. At least this shows the Mayor realizes the realities of political campaigns when he hired these people.

Incidentally, are people aware that Las Vegas in not in Las Vegas? This is true. Elvis, to be totally honest, should have been singing “Viva the Stretch of Land Outside City Limits”, but somehow that doesn’t sound quite as exciting.

In education news, if a teacher were to tell a student to go over and, on purpose, break the arm of another student, chances are strong that teacher will be fired or at least face receiving a less desirable parking space. Yet, as a recent lesson shows: if a basketball coach makes the same request, then the coach gets his contract renewed. And that’s one difference between academics and athletics.

Jenna Bush and Barbara Bush will appear in the upcoming issue of Maxim having a pillow fight. This has no punch line. We know you all are making your own punch line.

Campaigns to get young people to abstain from sex took a serious blow when it was reported that their abstinence pledge members have a higher degree of engaging in practices such as oral sex that increased their risk of spreading diseases. This has especially offended conservatives who, after spending most of the late 1990s arguing that oral sex is indeed sex (I forgot who they were arguing this with) are discovering that young people now consider oral sex is not sex and thus is not a breaking of their abstinence pledge. Come on, conservatives, let’s get in agreement over this issue: Is oral sex actually sex or not? You can’t have it both ways.

The Village People announced they wish to appear less gay and appeal more to mainstream America. Sorry, guys, but I wouldn’t expect the invitation to play the Grand Ole Opry for at least a few more months. You may have to wait until this whole “what is sex” issue to blow over first (no pun intended).

Is It Wrong to Love Your Clothing Too Much, and More on "Infidelity"

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My fake daughter’s movie “Infidelity” (a film by Francesca J. Lee) will be shown at approximately 6:48 pm on Friday, April 9 at the Gene Siskel Film Center which is located somewhere in Chicago. I believe if you find the address 164 North State Street, Chicago it should be right in front of you. I actually have no idea what the movie is about. I am a horrible fake father who has never seen his fake daughter’s movie. Of course, at this point, I have lost track of what I am writing about, but, as you see, that still doesn’t stop me from writing.

As an aside, the Lee name comes up quite a bit in my family. My great-great-great-great-great uncle, Ezra Lee, was the first person to ever sail in a submarine. He wasn’t the builder of the first submarine, that was David Bushnell, but when Bushnell finally needed someone to actually go into the submarine and see if it would work, or if the thing would sink and drown the person inside it, it was my relative Ezra Lee who was ordered to see if it worked. Fortunately for Ezra, it did. And Ezra taught us all a valuable lesson that has been passed down for many generations now: never ever volunteer again for anything.

I am also told the singer Brenda Lee almost became my aunt. Brenda Lee used to be on my grandmother’s radio show, and after Brenda Lee’s father died, my grandmother (so people tell me, and something about the story doesn’t seem right as Brenda Lee had living relatives) attempted to adopt her, but the adoption did not go through (she was then raised by her mother, so any attempt for adoption by a non-relative would have been difficult). So, Brenda Lee might have almost become my aunt. Now, how cool would it be to say I have an aunt who’s in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the Country Music Hall of Fame, in addition to a great-great-great-great-great uncle who sailed the first submarine, and a fake daughter who has a film opening in Chicago?

To recap, of Brenda Lee, Ezra Lee, and Francesca Lee, only Ezra is an actual relative. This is for people keeping track of Lee genealogy (which, I have found, is quite a few people, as I get asked about the Lee relation every so often.) Incidentally, for Lee enthusiasts, my side of the Lee family appears to have no connection to the Robert E. Lee family. As an interesting side note, historians point out that two generations of Lees invaded Pennsylvania: Lee in Gettysburg and Lee’s father, Henry Lee, to squash the Whiskey Rebellion. I have discovered we Lee namesakes aren’t always greeted with open arms in Pennsylvania.

I am also not related to Lee Jeans. In fact, it is hard to be related to a pair of pants. Although, someday, maybe people will become more open, and laws will change, so people finally will be allowed to become legally related to items of clothing. I know many people who spend more time and money buying and providing shelter for their clothing than for the rest of their family. Someday the love for clothing will be recognized and accepted by society.

On a totally unrelated subject, a hair salon has opened near where I live. It is named Shag. Is this the best choice of names? I am worried they are going to get some disappointed British male customers visiting.

Bondage, Spanking, and Other Critical Issues Facing Our School Systems

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I await Congress to begin asking baseball players “are you or have you ever been a member of the steroids users?” Ballplayers will be forced to produce the names of other players, and fellow travelers, who subscribed to steroid-ism.

A Texas legislator has proposed banning sexual suggestive cheerleading. In other words, I guess he wants to end all cheerleading. Maybe if the cheerleaders took steroids and bulked up, then they would look huge and gross and nothing they did would be considered sexually suggestive. There’s the solution: steroids were just being used for the wrong sport.

Meanwhile, Pierce College has rented its football field to be used in a bondage sex film. This would be proper, according to the Texas legislature, just so long as no cheerleaders are used. Financial experts note that this is the first time bondage will be used to pay school bonds: in fact tying up your funds in bonds will take on a new meaning.

The Pennsylvania State School Board has voted to prohibit teachers from spanking students to cause “pain and fear”. Teachers may, though, spank students if the students enjoy it. In which case, of course, it would then face a ban in Texas.

Ey, Ey, Eye Candy

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Education is a plot by the candy industry to use child labor to sell overpriced merchandise to a captive market consisting primarily of parents. Everything else you see in schools is only window dressing for this main objective.

In my school, we were terrible basketball players. (We were too worn out from all the candy selling.) My classmates would get together, though, and have marathon basketball games that would last for hours upon hours. There was only one rule: first basket wins.

The House subcommittee approved a bill that would make passing a drug test as a condition of receiving welfare or, as members of Congress explained: a way to end public welfare. The candy industry doesn’t understand why people would waste their money on drugs when they should be getting hooked on candy instead.

Bill Murray, Crime, and Poop, What Could Be Funnier?

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The worst air flight I was ever on was the time I was sitting next to what appeared to be a grandfather and a baby. A horrible smell was emanating from their direction from the beginning of the flight through the duration. What really bothered me was right after the smell began, I overheard the grandfather say to the baby “go ahead, poop your pants right when I can’t change them. Well, two can play that game.”

Like everyone else who has watched television and movies, I know the Miranda warning by heart. But I have to confess, I never quite understood the part where “anything you say CAN AND WILL BE HELD AGAINST YOU.” Is that phrased correctly? You “can and will” use anything said? If an arrestee yells out “watch out for that person in the crosswalk”, the police not only can but WILL use that against the person? How?

I know this has already been mentioned in the Gene Weingarten page, but I will repeat it here. I was with Bill Murray once years ago at a baseball game, and I tell you, Bill Murray is the nicest guy. A fan he never met came up to him and begged him to help her. She really, really wanted to be an actress, and wanted to know if Bill Murray could help her. Most celebrities would either kindly say there is nothing they could do, and a few celebrities would have been rude or ignored the person. Yet, Bill Murray took out a card and wrote down a name and a phone number and told here to call this person, tell this person Bill Murray told her to call, and that this person would be able to help her.

Bill Murray gave her the phone number of a psychiatrist.

Now how many celebrities take the time to care that much?

How Television First Showed "the Big O" (There, That Got Your Attention)

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“Have a smoke and reach the big O, have a smoke and reach the big O.”
Now, before you think that means what you think it means, let me reassure you, yes, that does mean what you think it means. Of course, it isn’t supposed to mean that, except that it really does. Got that?
That is an actual slogan (I may have the wording slightly off: due to memory loss and fear of copyright infringement) for one of the early cigarette commercials broadcast on television. Of course, the big O meant Oasis cigarettes. And, the insinuation was just enough so the television censors wouldn’t know what was meant, but the rest of the public did.
The subliminal message was clear: smoke a cigarette and have an orgasm.
See, that’s what’s wrong with young people today. You young ones smoke after sex. In the good old days, people smoked to have sex. Of course, if you smoked after having sex from smoking a cigarette, you were trapped in an endless stream of orgasms. “No more honey, I’ve already smoked six cigarettes this night alone.” That’s why the Sixties generation turned to drugs: to attempt to slow the endless chain of cigarette smoking.
I don’t smoke (wait, maybe I shouldn’t have admitted that at this point. Not cool looking.) Yet, I just wanted to let you know that, yes, the cigarette industry used sex to get people addicted to their product. They weren’t the first industry to do that, and they won’t be the last. Yet, after all those advertisements that cigarettes make you youthful, active, and sexy, find someone who has been smoking the fast 40 or 50 years, and ask them how youthful, active, and sexy cigarettes have made them feel.

Did the Tide Go Out, or Are We in Florida?

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Governor Jeb Bush warned that a proposed tax on toilet paper would discourage Floridians from using toilet paper. Governor, are you certain this is what you wish potential tourists to know about Florida?

Videos have been distributed to schools so students may learn about tolerance. They will learn an important lesson while observing the intolerance of parents who are protesting the distribution of these videos.

Poor Rodney Dangerfield gets no respect, even in Heaven. Did you hear his former press agent state he was called to get the late comedian’s reactions to Johnny Carson’s passing? Maybe he can work on a joint statement with Pat Paulsen.

Steve Lopez of the Los Angeles Times wrote he doubts Los Angeles voters are not prepared to elect a Mayor whose last name they can’t pronounce. Why should that matter? We elected a President who can’t pronounce “nuclear”. Meanwhile, in San Antonio, Fidel Castro’s cousin is a leading candidate for its Mayor. If Texans can cozy to a Castro, then Californians can accept a Villaraigosa, or is it Villagegosome, or Villagepeople, or something like that.

Governor Schwarzenegger vetoed four bills that would have made it easier for Californians to buy drugs in Canada. The Governor explained he’s just trying to protect the corner drugstores, and anyone else selling drugs on corners.

President Clinton’s physician stated that Clinton’s lungs are pink and healthy, which is good news. The bad news is Clinton kept asking nurses if they’ll check if he has anything else pink and healthy.

A political campaign assistant treasurer was convicted of stealing $412,000 from a campaign and using it for gay porn. How can one possibly spend that much on porn? For $412,000, I hope they at least threw in a free pen and pencil set. There are so many better things that money could have been spent on, such as toilet paper for people in Florida.

Moving Movie Ideas that Moved No One

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How is this for a movie idea? I keep finding scraps of paper where I write these things down, so I’ll record them here before I lose the scraps of paper forever. Anyone wishing to steal these ideas should note this blog is dated, so don’t forget to predate your ideas before March 9, 2005.

The idea is a foreign spy placed in the witness protection program is kidnapped, as a practical hazing joke, by his clueless, obnoxious new coworkers/roommates (who, of course, don’t know he’s an important spy), leading off a frenzy of American agents after them, thinking he’s trying to escape, and his fellow country’s spies who spot him out of hiding and now wish to kill him. The bumbling coworkers realize they are in a race against death—and they’re the enemy.

This reminds me of the time a roomful of writers were told to come up with three move ideas in a couple of minutes. I was glad to know that not only was I the only person who got two ideas accepted, but all three were accepted. Anyone wishing to buy the ideas from me, please give me a call. Here are some of the unproduced ideas still out there:

A severely disabled person with a speech and behavioral impediments overcomes his disabilities by running for political office-and wins. (Honest, this was written years before our current President, and that is not who this is about, honest.)

A nearly bankrupt fetish film producer accidentally attracts a major star to a casting session, and then bumbles around trying to produce a mainstream film while hiding that he only knows how to shoot porn, only to learn the major studios then think his mainstream film doesn’t have enough sex and violence. (Hey, Buffy fans, if I throw in a vampire, will you see this one?)

There are a couple of ideas that I may discuss later as they may be shot: one about the messiah of an obscure religion returning to Earth (or is it really their messiah?) and the messiah is really, really obnoxious (but leads people to realize important things about themselves); and a comedy about a candidate for Mayor of a major city whose campaign faces every possible campaign disaster (unfortunately I am told the real candidates for Mayor of Los Angeles already made this film themselves).

I also have four finished scripts not discussed above available. Of course, one is about space aliens landing during the Old West (you thought they first landed in Roswell, N.M. in the 20th century?) and facing a Kung Fu drop out Sheriff (of course), one about a writer who disguises himself and returns to his hometown decades later to write what his friends thought of him, only to discover he was mostly forgotten, yet in the end learns that he did change all of their lives for the better, one about a high school student in a dying coal town who reinvigorates the town by saving its high school baseball team, which invigorates investors to build a new plant in the town, and one about the son of a mobster who learns his father only wanted him to take his father’s place in the mob because he cared more about the older son who went to medical school, and he has now inherited a job that he knows little about and is likely going to get himself killed. Any takers out there?

As for unrelated observations, I was observing how people who approach two doors with a sign reading “Use Other Door”, and how often it was that people who then attempt to use the door with the sign on it. What’s that all about? I wonder how people would react if I put up a sign reading “Please Use Other Door’s Other Door” on the door that is meant to be opened?

When I see a restaurant that has a sign reading “shows and shirts required”, why do people always stare at me when I inquire if pants are also required?

A big difference I noticed (and this actually happened) between restaurants in Los Angeles and restaurants in New York is that, in Los Angeles, the wait staff will come over and inquire if you wish more coffee, and will then walk off before you answer. In New York, the wait staff does even bother asking and at least pretending to care for a second. No refills for you.

In Los Angeles, people eat little bits of raw fish and call that a meal. On the East Coast, we take those little bits of raw fish and use them to catch an even bigger fish, which we then cook.

One poor couple thought a restaurant worker was shouting insults at them when he yelled at them “piso mojado”. No, he was not telling them to piso off, he was trying to inform them the floor was wet.

I think some of this LA politically correctness stuff is overkill. I saw an exit sign on the 110 highway for the Braille Institute. What was overkill was placing a sign underneath that one in Braille.

One woman once told me that she was into lesbian bestiality sadism. What she meant was that her female cat likes to scratch her. By stating that, I am trying to figure out whether it is she, or her cat, that could use some therapy.

The silent scandal in baseball is not just that so many players used steroids that enhanced their playing performance, but that so many players used steroids and then played so lousy.

What Does it Mean When a Fish Wears Fishnet Stockings?

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I finally saw the movie “Heat”. This is a movie that has aged more rapidly that the filmmakers ever thought it would. Today’s audiences will never understand the scene where DeNiro and Pacino are engaging in a gun battle on the landing fields of LAX, with planes landing and taking off around them, with no outside intervention. In this post-September 11, neither would ever get through with even nail clippers, and a battle with the only weapon they could probably find, which would be their umbrellas, just wouldn’t have been as exciting, and security would have broken it up before it ever got too far.

Years ago, I was at a conference attended by Jack Kemp. A friend, I’ll call him Buddy to hide his name (which is Bud), shouted out (and embarrassed everyone at our table), “hey, Jack, what are you doing ignoring us?” Jack immediately looked embarrassed at his oversight, came to our table while Bud and he joked around as Bud introduced Jack Kemp to everyone to our table.

After Jack Kemp left, I told Bud, I mean Buddy, I never knew that he was a friend of Jack Kemp’s. “I never met him before”, Bud replied. It was then that I realized that, with many celebrities, it is hard for them to remember everyone they have ever met, so if you pretend like you know them, often, they will pretend they know you and avoid that embarrassment of admitting they don’t remember you (which, of course, they don’t, because they’ve never met you.)

I mention this because I successfully pulled the same feat once with David Hasselhoff. A woman saw him and mentioned how she always wanted to meet him. So, I called him over like he was some old friend, introduced him, and the woman was pleased as anything. What does it matter that David Hasselhoff doesn’t know me? At least he is polite enough to meet someone who wants to meet him for a few seconds, and everyone is happy. (Except for his agent, who immediately ran a background check and had me removed from the premises and tortured on an LAX runaway with an umbrella, but I digress.)

This all leads into a commentary on another movie I saw last night, “Spongebob Squarepants”. (What a double feature, “Heat” and “Spongebob Squarepants”. The movie owners here are not really alert to what they are booking.) I admit I was one of the people who were cynical when a religious leader tried to claim that Spongebog is gay. Like my protestations to the Buffy fans who lurk here that vampires are not real, let me extend my consistent theory to include: cartoon characters are not real. Cartoon characters are not animate creatures having sex with anything. It is time for a reality check here.

Although, I do have to admit, I spoke before I saw the movie. Let me state, having finally seen the Spongebob movie, that while Spongebob is a fictional cartoon character, someone should explain to Spongebob that when your best friend is a male who wears fishnet stockings, people are going to wonder. (Although, since they are sea creatures, are the fishnet stockings a clothing of choice or one obtained by swimming into a fishnet? They could be a logical explanation for this fashion statement.) While perhaps that is not a problem Spongebob should have to worry about, and maybe it is fine Spongebob is willing to embrace such a friend, but, Spongebob, I’m just warning you: you’re not going to be able to help it: people are going to talk.

Book Review: "Keystone"

The lack of recent Pennsylvania history books has now been addressed by the second current release of a study of Pennsylvania in this book “Keystone” by Gus Graybill. Compared to the other recently released Pennsylvania history book entitled “Pennsylvania” (trivia question: “Pennsylvania” is a history book of a. New Jersey, b. West Virginia, c. Pennsylvania) by Randall Miller, this book is easy to read and would be better for high school audiences and for the general public who want a quick overview on Pennsylvania history. For people who desire more state history details and a larger exploration into Pennsylvania’s history, then the more comprehensive Randall Miller book would be more suitable.

“Keystone” is presented well, with specific sections providing a few pages on subjects such as Pennsylvania artists, entertainers, athletes, etc. intermixed into the chapters. This is an excellent overview of Pennsylvania from understanding what fossils tell us about former life through to the present days of Governor Rendell. The book is very well written, clearly understood, and interspersed with color photographs so readers may view Pennsylvania’s history while reading about it. It is a superb book.

It is always difficult to pull out examples of the multitude of Pennsylvania history presented in a history book, yet among tidbits readers learn are how Thomas Penn tricked Indians into purchasing land that could be walked a day and a half (which to the Indians traditionally meant about 35 miles) by hiring fast paced walkers who extended the purchase into 65 miles, which included the Indian’s own homes as well as their best agricultural land. Legislative historians will appreciate reading how Provincial Assembly Speaker Andrew Hamilton won the first court case that created the concept of the freedom of the press, although his shrewd court skills created the now derisive label of “Philadelphia lawyer”.

From learning the historic, from two generations of Lees bringing invading armies into Pennsylvania, to the good, such as Pennsylvania’s former manufacturing dominance, to the bad, such as Pennsylvania’s most famous highway robber and the smog that killed 20 Donora residents in 1948, the book provides many insights. It is an excellent book that packs many interesting facts. Most students of Pennsylvania history will find this a useful addition to their now two book collection of current books on our state’s history.

Why Vampires Don't Attack in Sipowicz's Precinct

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I recall when I first introduced myself to Amber Benson, who was on “Buffy and the Vampire Slayers”, I mentioned that I was a member of Viewers for Quality Television. As she was reaching for a stake to drive through my heart, assuming that our group was another one of the groups that was protesting her show, I reassured her that our group actually rated her show quite highly. While I personally was not familiar with the show, the Viewers for Quality Television was an excellent idea where viewers would rate shows based on their quality and would then fight to keep them on the air. Dorothy Swanson deserves great praise for her work in leading this group. We were the opposite of the critical groups, many of whom probably had never even watched the shows they condemned.

Now, if you really hate a show, or if a show offends you, then by all means speak up. Yet, we are quick to put down others rather than to praise what we like. If we praise the good, we hope to find more good.

I mention this because one of the shows Viewers for Quality Television stood up for was “NYPD Blue”, which ended its run yesterday. This was an excellent show that had former New York police officers advising the show so it could have a somewhat realistic approach to police life, minus the hours of monotony and with storylines exaggerated (sorry, but not that many murder investigations end with a confession within the same day of the murder). The show also allowed viewers to learn about characters, and when we found ourselves discovering that not only can a racist cop be human and have frailties but we are rooting for this person in his challenges in life, then we have grown as people, and television has grown as a medium. I want to thank Dennis Franz for his taking the time to personally thank those who supported the show, and I want to thank Mr. Franz and all the people at “NYPD Blue” for a job well done.

Of course, NYPD Blue and Buffy could never have crossed episodes. I can just hear Sipowicz remarking “you say one more time you were attacked by a vampire, I’m locking you up.”

In today’s news, it was reported that Scott Peterson had sex with two strangers in an airplane bathroom. First, how did three people ever fit into an airplane bathroom? Here is what should have happened at the airport security check: “Your bags are fine, Mr. Peterson, but we can’t let you through.”

I am not one who follows more crime stories, so I am not an expert on the Scott Peterson trial. I overheard a commentator state “you know, all the evidence is circumstantial.” I found that, whenever I overheard people talk about the Scott Peterson, all I needed to say was “you know, all the evidence is circumstantial”, and people would assume I actually knew something.

What I do believe the press should do is downplay the accused. When it turns out they are innocent, why complicate their lives with publicity? When it turns out they are guilty, why make them into celebrities? I believe the focus should be on the victims. The press should always have referred to it as the “murder of Laci Peterson trial”. There are some criminals who are enticed into crime by the notoriety. The press should see they don’t get it. Plus, I believe the attention should be placed on the victims, where it belongs. Don’t forget about the victims.

Although some criminals are screaming for help, even if they don’t yet realize it themselves. How about this quote in today’s newspaper, from a then 15 year old girl who was involved in a killing of a then 16 year old boy: “I am guilty, but I still don’t feel bad for any of it. I still enjoy my flashbacks. They give me comfort. Pleasure.” Just think, someday, the young woman will be someone’s blind date, employee, wife, mother, subject of a cable television movie special…

No, I'm Not Promoting Infidelity, I'm Promoting "Infidelity"

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My “daughter” tells me she has a film that will be shown in the upcoming Chicago Asian Film Festival, April 1-10, at the Gene Siskel Film Center in Chicago.

What should bother me is her film is entitled “Infidelity”. Just what every proud father wants to learn: that his daughter is making a film about infidelity. Since I am only her fake father, let me reassure everyone, I never, ever cheated on her fake mother. Never.

Those in the Chicago area should go see Francesca J. Lee’s film “Infidelity”.