Ey, Ey, Eye Candy

Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny

Education is a plot by the candy industry to use child labor to sell overpriced merchandise to a captive market consisting primarily of parents. Everything else you see in schools is only window dressing for this main objective.

In my school, we were terrible basketball players. (We were too worn out from all the candy selling.) My classmates would get together, though, and have marathon basketball games that would last for hours upon hours. There was only one rule: first basket wins.

The House subcommittee approved a bill that would make passing a drug test as a condition of receiving welfare or, as members of Congress explained: a way to end public welfare. The candy industry doesn’t understand why people would waste their money on drugs when they should be getting hooked on candy instead.