Moving Movie Ideas that Moved No One

Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny

How is this for a movie idea? I keep finding scraps of paper where I write these things down, so I’ll record them here before I lose the scraps of paper forever. Anyone wishing to steal these ideas should note this blog is dated, so don’t forget to predate your ideas before March 9, 2005.

The idea is a foreign spy placed in the witness protection program is kidnapped, as a practical hazing joke, by his clueless, obnoxious new coworkers/roommates (who, of course, don’t know he’s an important spy), leading off a frenzy of American agents after them, thinking he’s trying to escape, and his fellow country’s spies who spot him out of hiding and now wish to kill him. The bumbling coworkers realize they are in a race against death—and they’re the enemy.

This reminds me of the time a roomful of writers were told to come up with three move ideas in a couple of minutes. I was glad to know that not only was I the only person who got two ideas accepted, but all three were accepted. Anyone wishing to buy the ideas from me, please give me a call. Here are some of the unproduced ideas still out there:

A severely disabled person with a speech and behavioral impediments overcomes his disabilities by running for political office-and wins. (Honest, this was written years before our current President, and that is not who this is about, honest.)

A nearly bankrupt fetish film producer accidentally attracts a major star to a casting session, and then bumbles around trying to produce a mainstream film while hiding that he only knows how to shoot porn, only to learn the major studios then think his mainstream film doesn’t have enough sex and violence. (Hey, Buffy fans, if I throw in a vampire, will you see this one?)

There are a couple of ideas that I may discuss later as they may be shot: one about the messiah of an obscure religion returning to Earth (or is it really their messiah?) and the messiah is really, really obnoxious (but leads people to realize important things about themselves); and a comedy about a candidate for Mayor of a major city whose campaign faces every possible campaign disaster (unfortunately I am told the real candidates for Mayor of Los Angeles already made this film themselves).

I also have four finished scripts not discussed above available. Of course, one is about space aliens landing during the Old West (you thought they first landed in Roswell, N.M. in the 20th century?) and facing a Kung Fu drop out Sheriff (of course), one about a writer who disguises himself and returns to his hometown decades later to write what his friends thought of him, only to discover he was mostly forgotten, yet in the end learns that he did change all of their lives for the better, one about a high school student in a dying coal town who reinvigorates the town by saving its high school baseball team, which invigorates investors to build a new plant in the town, and one about the son of a mobster who learns his father only wanted him to take his father’s place in the mob because he cared more about the older son who went to medical school, and he has now inherited a job that he knows little about and is likely going to get himself killed. Any takers out there?

As for unrelated observations, I was observing how people who approach two doors with a sign reading “Use Other Door”, and how often it was that people who then attempt to use the door with the sign on it. What’s that all about? I wonder how people would react if I put up a sign reading “Please Use Other Door’s Other Door” on the door that is meant to be opened?

When I see a restaurant that has a sign reading “shows and shirts required”, why do people always stare at me when I inquire if pants are also required?

A big difference I noticed (and this actually happened) between restaurants in Los Angeles and restaurants in New York is that, in Los Angeles, the wait staff will come over and inquire if you wish more coffee, and will then walk off before you answer. In New York, the wait staff does even bother asking and at least pretending to care for a second. No refills for you.

In Los Angeles, people eat little bits of raw fish and call that a meal. On the East Coast, we take those little bits of raw fish and use them to catch an even bigger fish, which we then cook.

One poor couple thought a restaurant worker was shouting insults at them when he yelled at them “piso mojado”. No, he was not telling them to piso off, he was trying to inform them the floor was wet.

I think some of this LA politically correctness stuff is overkill. I saw an exit sign on the 110 highway for the Braille Institute. What was overkill was placing a sign underneath that one in Braille.

One woman once told me that she was into lesbian bestiality sadism. What she meant was that her female cat likes to scratch her. By stating that, I am trying to figure out whether it is she, or her cat, that could use some therapy.

The silent scandal in baseball is not just that so many players used steroids that enhanced their playing performance, but that so many players used steroids and then played so lousy.