What Does it Mean When a Fish Wears Fishnet Stockings?

Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny

I finally saw the movie “Heat”. This is a movie that has aged more rapidly that the filmmakers ever thought it would. Today’s audiences will never understand the scene where DeNiro and Pacino are engaging in a gun battle on the landing fields of LAX, with planes landing and taking off around them, with no outside intervention. In this post-September 11, neither would ever get through with even nail clippers, and a battle with the only weapon they could probably find, which would be their umbrellas, just wouldn’t have been as exciting, and security would have broken it up before it ever got too far.

Years ago, I was at a conference attended by Jack Kemp. A friend, I’ll call him Buddy to hide his name (which is Bud), shouted out (and embarrassed everyone at our table), “hey, Jack, what are you doing ignoring us?” Jack immediately looked embarrassed at his oversight, came to our table while Bud and he joked around as Bud introduced Jack Kemp to everyone to our table.

After Jack Kemp left, I told Bud, I mean Buddy, I never knew that he was a friend of Jack Kemp’s. “I never met him before”, Bud replied. It was then that I realized that, with many celebrities, it is hard for them to remember everyone they have ever met, so if you pretend like you know them, often, they will pretend they know you and avoid that embarrassment of admitting they don’t remember you (which, of course, they don’t, because they’ve never met you.)

I mention this because I successfully pulled the same feat once with David Hasselhoff. A woman saw him and mentioned how she always wanted to meet him. So, I called him over like he was some old friend, introduced him, and the woman was pleased as anything. What does it matter that David Hasselhoff doesn’t know me? At least he is polite enough to meet someone who wants to meet him for a few seconds, and everyone is happy. (Except for his agent, who immediately ran a background check and had me removed from the premises and tortured on an LAX runaway with an umbrella, but I digress.)

This all leads into a commentary on another movie I saw last night, “Spongebob Squarepants”. (What a double feature, “Heat” and “Spongebob Squarepants”. The movie owners here are not really alert to what they are booking.) I admit I was one of the people who were cynical when a religious leader tried to claim that Spongebog is gay. Like my protestations to the Buffy fans who lurk here that vampires are not real, let me extend my consistent theory to include: cartoon characters are not real. Cartoon characters are not animate creatures having sex with anything. It is time for a reality check here.

Although, I do have to admit, I spoke before I saw the movie. Let me state, having finally seen the Spongebob movie, that while Spongebob is a fictional cartoon character, someone should explain to Spongebob that when your best friend is a male who wears fishnet stockings, people are going to wonder. (Although, since they are sea creatures, are the fishnet stockings a clothing of choice or one obtained by swimming into a fishnet? They could be a logical explanation for this fashion statement.) While perhaps that is not a problem Spongebob should have to worry about, and maybe it is fine Spongebob is willing to embrace such a friend, but, Spongebob, I’m just warning you: you’re not going to be able to help it: people are going to talk.