You Can't Have a Rational Conversation with Irrational People

For those of you too lazy to hit the link on the headline, here is the Irrational Injurer so far:

Despite Giving Birth, Britney Spears is Still a Virgin
Britney Spears continues to deny all rumors that she is pregnant, according to the press releases we finally got around to reading. “Just because a child came out of her body doesn’t mean she’s pregnant”, explained someone who claims to be associated either with Ms. Spears or broccoli spears, “in fact, it’s a scienceticial fact that once you’re given birth, you ain’t no longer pregnant.”

People we interview in the Spears circle, which include a five mile radius of mostly rabid fans who at most have seen her for a few seconds, claim the rumor that Britney Spears ever was pregnant is just a silly rumor. “In fact, we know she’s still a virgin”, explained one guy while rubbing his 50 inch belly, “I mean, why else would she turn me down for hot urangutan sex?”

We asked an expert at a local clinic if it was possible that a woman could give birth and still be a virgin. “Uhhhh, how did you get in here”, replied the highly regarded registered nurse. A nearby priest, though, confirmed that it is possible to give birth while a virgin.

Is Britney Spears still a virgin? Only her hairdresser knows and, quite frankly, if we think it is up to him, our guess is: yes.
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 7:02 AM

Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Tara Reid's Shoes Split
When Tara Reid travels, she gets two hotel rooms: one for herself and one for her shoes. “Her shoes insist on a separate room”, explained a hotel worker smoking a cigarette in the parking lot who took twenty bucks for this exclusive. “The shoes can’t stand to be with Tara Reid”, our informant explained, “she likes to eat smelly cheese at night. Man, I don’t blame those shoes for wanting a separate room.”

Industry specialists note that split between the actress and her shoes developed shortly after Ms. Reid’s making People magazine’s Worst Dressed List, an incident that infuriated her shoes who felt their hard work was being neglected by Mr. Reid’s clothing choices. Tara Reid’s shoes’ agent insisted there is no dissention between Ms. Reid and her shoes. “The fact they want a trial separation only indicates they want some space from each other”, the agent explained while predicting that Ms. Reid and her shoes plan to seek counseling and that they would reunite.

“It is a shame when shoes and celebrities can no longer get along”, proclaimed Cathy, who stated she is a cartoon character in a comic strip named after her, adding “what’s the world coming to?”
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 1:08 PM

Elvis Killed JFK in Jealousy over Marilyn Monroe
Elvis Presley, who has been working as an automobile mechanic in Billings, Montana since faking his death several years ago, has confessed to assassinating John Kennedy in a jealous outrage over Marilyn Monroe, the inspiration for his song “hunka hunka burning love”. Presley stated he could never understand what attracted Monroe to Kennedy, observing “granted, he could get on all networks at the same time, but he was only on television a few times a year, and Kennedy never once did a movie or cut an album like I did.” Presley stated he was standing on the grassy knoll on that fateful day when he got cold feet and decided against shooting Kennedy. So, instead, he cleaned his rifle, which accidentally fired three, maybe four (Presley can’t remember which) times. “I was stunned later when I learned the shots hit someone, as the most I could ever hit before was a television set and only then if it were three feet in front of me”, Presley stated. Presley admitted he only has come forward after learning that the 40 year statute to limitations for first degree murder had passed (or, at least, that’s what we told him). In further conversation, Presley stated he had been shocked when he learned his daughter has married a member of the Jackson 5, but was relieved when he saw the wedding photos, noting “at least she married the white member of the group.”
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 8:43 AM

Thursday, September 01, 2005
Bush Presidency May Be Stricken from History Books
The disclosure that Rafael Palmeiro and Jose Canseco used illegal steroids during the time when George W. Bush was General Manager of the Texas Rangers took a stunning turn when it was announced that Bush also used illegal drugs. Members of the American Historical Association have reacted in shock. Many in their membership are recommending that the Bush Presidency be deleted from the record book. “No one knows if he ever would have gotten to be President if it weren’t for his use of drugs”, someone who knows a member of the association was quoted as stating. “To keep his Presidency on the books would be an insult to players such as Warren Harding who earned the Presidency without any performance enhancing drugs”, suggested someone else who was standing nearby.

A source close the U. S. Supreme Court disputed the likelihood of the Bush Presidency being stricken from the records.
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 12:24 PM

Thursday, August 04, 2005
Adolph Hitler, Television Programming Executive, Dies
Adolph Hitler, television network programmer, died yesterday of old age. Hitler is best known for his selection of mind numbing television programs watched by millions of American viewers every day. “At first, I was just joking. I could say anything: strand people on a desert island, have a genie in a bottle, a mother who comes back to life as a car. But, then they actually put these ideas on television.” Hitler’s most recent achievement included the invention of reality television.

Prior to his television executive work, Hitler was active in German politics. He unsuccessfully sought world domination. “Eventually, I learned, I can torture millions of people with awful television”, in an interview where he explained his attraction to the television industry.

Hitler is survived by his widow Eva, a respected right wing talk show host.
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 8:57 AM

Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Keith Richards Suspended for Drug Use
The Commissioner of Baseball and Entertainment has announced that random drug testing of entertainers has found that Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones has tested for positive for drugs. In fact, the testing agency stated that, after two hours of positive tests for various kinds of drugs, they gave up on any further testing after test after test came up positive. In fact, the tests could find only evidence of drugs and no other bodily fluids. As a result of this violation, Mr. Richards has been suspended from the Rolling Stones for ten days. The role of Mr. Richards will be performed by Pauly Shore, who may have been accidentally drafted by Mr. Jagger who, when informed he needed a replacement, replied either “sure” or “shore”. We’re not certain which he meant.
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 7:21 PM

Future United States Senator is Not Colorful
U.S. Rep. Katherine Harris stated “whenever they made fun of my makeup, it was because the newspapers colorized my photograph.” Thus, a deep, dark secret about this member of Congress has been revealed: Kathleen Harris exists naturally only in black and white. Indeed, she lives in a world where Eisenhower is still President, sex had yet to be invented, and all Democrats are Communists. Rep. Harris is expected to soon announce she is running for the United States Senate. She believes her chances are good, but will know that better once she is finished programming the voting machines.
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 1:44 PM

Tales of Hollywood Perverted Sex Exposed
A supporting actress with a long history of movie making is reported, according to a conversation we overheard on a bus, to be writing a book about another kind of making, and by that we mean, love making, because we know more readers won’t otherwise understand what we mean by “another kind of making.” Her book will have intimate details of the sexual secrets of many of Hollywood’s biggest entertainers and bus drivers. “You’ll be surprised how perverted some of these big shot movie people are”, this actress would have told us if we had had been able to reach her, “you’d be surprised to learn what names are into the missionary position. Why, there are several people, and I can’t name them at this time, who actually wanted me naked when we make love.”

Horrid tales of kissing, holding hands, and other acts too deplorable to even mention here, will be exposed in this upcoming book.
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 12:59 PM

Harpo Marx and Oprah Winfrey in Litigation
Harpo Marx has sued Oprah Winfrey for copyright violation for naming her company, Harpo Publishing, after him without paying him any royalties. Ms. Winfrey has countersued because, well, that's what people do when they are sued. When it was pointed out to Mr. Marx that Ms. Winfrey chose the name "Harpo" because it is her name, Oprah, spelled backwards, Mr. Marx responded "well, then, that's different." When Ms. Winfrey was told that countersuing Mr. Marx may be ineffective because he has been dead for several decades, Ms. Winfrey responded "well, then, that's different."
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 12:32 PM

Bo Bice's Gambling Catches Up to Him
Bo Bice received a broken foot in Manchester, New Hampshire. Bo, Bo, Bo, we keep telling you. You can't gamble more than you can afford. This is what happens when you don't pay back as expected.
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 12:26 PM

Terri Hatcher Dating Teenagers
According to our sources, which we invented, the reports that Terri Hatcher is "dating like a teenager" are more accurate then first believed. Terri Hatcher is, in fact, dating teenagers. She draws the line at 12 year olds, finding the boys that young usually lack the level of maturing she seeks in a date. "I enjoy the innocence of a great make-out" Ms. Hatcher proclaimed, and we believe her teenager boyfriends agree. "Wasn't she like Lois Lane's mom, or something like that" an excited 17 year old boy asked us when we interviewed him. Not that he ever met Ms. Hatcher, but he did agree to the interview.
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 12:20 PM

Hugh Grant is a Murderer
Hugh Grant has confessed to the murder of Deborah Hutton. Grant writes that he took a hair dryer and "I now concede--have finished her off." A friend of a friend who works at the hospital which was the scene of this crime claims Mr. Grant placed Ms. Hutton in a tub of water to see what her reaction would be to holding the hair dryer. Unfortunately, this did not do the trick as Hugh Grant could not figure out how to turn the hair dryer on. Mr. Grant then tried strangling Ms. Hutton with the hair dryer's cord. Unfortunately, this only seems to have greatly tickled and only yielded outrageous laughter on the part of Ms. Hutton. Hugh Grant, in frustration, then acted as a hair dresser and gave Ms. Hutton a new hair style which, in the frank opinion of undisclosed eyewitnesses, looked hideous. It is well known that, in Hollywood, a bad hairdo is death. Ms. Hutton passed away at that point.
posted by Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny at 12:14 PM

Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Ellen DeGeneres Is Not Gay
We are upset at the widespread rumor against one of television's brightest stars. We hope people will stop spreading these malicious rumors. Some of you may have heard some vicious rumor that Ellen DeGeneres is gay. We are certain this is being spread by some jealous Hollywood types trying to hurt the career of this big star. We suggest you just turn your backs on these wild stories.

We are glad to bring you the truth.