The Truth About Me and Caroline Kennedy

Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny

It is time for me to reveal a deep, dark secret: I was one of Caroline Kennedy’s secret mystery men.

It is true. Remember back when gossipers were wondering what was wrong with Caroline when she was seen in public with this total loser? Yes, that was me. And now, for the true story.

I was having lunch in Manhattan with a friend several years ago when I observed a photographer taking our picture. I pointed this out to my friend, who explained that she is used to it. It seems my friend resembles Caroline Kennedy, and photographers frequently photograph her by mistake.

So, I have never even met Caroline Kennedy. Other than that, I am just sorry our relationship never worked out.

I finally met Robia LaMorte, although just very, very briefly. I had made the mistake of putting “vampires”, as a joke, as one of the keywords to this site. When I began attracting Buffy fans, I redirected them to Robia LaMorte’s web site, as she has a discussion board for Buffy fans to do whatever it is Buffy fans do on the Internet. I only had a few seconds to introduce myself to Robia when really serious Buffy fans interrupted. What was interesting was these fans not only had done outrageous things that show how seriously deranged fans they are, yet there were attempting to inform Buffy cast members of what they had done, as if to prove to everyone that they are more seriously deranged than the next fan. In the midst of these tales of memorizing lines, dressing as characters at all times (every workplace, school, and wedding should have someone dressed as a vampire), and devoting their lives to the Buffy show, one of the cast members (not Robia, and for the actor’s sake, I will not reveal the name) turned to me and whispered “these people need to get a life.” Which makes sense: if you’re that interesting in the living dead, you need to try living life.

Which leads me to put in a plug for Robia’s spoken word CDs. While I am not endorsing any particular religious views, I will state that her frank and honest discussion on how her religious beliefs have helped her, spoken at a level with which young people will identify, are well done and very thought provoking. I would think several Buffy diehards would do better listening to Robia’s CDs rather than devoting their lives to fictional canceled living dead television characters.

My own mind, though, is not any less deranged. I wonder: would automatic flush toilets work for a vampire? In theory, vampires have no reflection and can not be seen in a mirror. (The physics of which makes absolutely no sense, but, again, let us keep reminding ourselves that these are fictional characters so their dimensions are whatever the writer creates.) Do flush toilets work on a similar process whereby a vampire, who has no mirror reflection, would thus not be detected by whatever it is that automatically flushes toilets, or do flush toilets work similar to the human eye, and the toilet would detect the vampire? And who gets to decide this? And, is there any possible military use for such a physical reaction?

What does it mean when a woman says she’s decided not to go out with you because she’s decided she wants to be faithful to the married men she’s dating? I guess it shows that people have morals, and dating me is the other side of the morality line.

I missed catching comics this time, as a comic asked me not to attend. (I guess my reputation precedes me.) Yet, in thinking about comics, I wish to state that I am upset that so many comics today rely upon the lowly use of penis jokes. This is sad, because there are many perfectly good dildo jokes that can be used, instead.

It is perfectly acceptable to mention a dildo on the air, just so long as it is not mentioned for what the dildo is used. Thus, I suppose the following line could be broadcast: “Nice dildo collection you have, lady, so, tell me, what do you use them for?” There can be no broadcasted mention of the use of a dildo in a sexual context. Thus, is there a non-sexual use for dildos? Can we broadcast the line “honey, I have an itch on my back that I can’t reach. To reach it, would you please pass me the dildo?” Are there common household, nonsexual, uses for dildos?

I ran into Gary Owens, who was amazed that I knew a certain studio executive who is my fraternity brother. He told me that people would kill to get to know this guy. I, of course, decided to help this executive’s cut throat image by explaining that, while I never had to kill anyone to get to know this executive, we did have to kill someone as part of being able to join this fraternity. Just helping your image, Mr. Executive. Although I noticed Gary Owens kept away from me the rest of the time.

I did think of the greatest fraternity prank that could ever be pulled. Get a pledge so drunk that you then fly him to Stockholm and get him a sex change operation. When he sobers up, you’ll all be laughing like crazy, I’m certain. Again, I observe Gary Owens continued to keep his distance from me.

It was frightening to see some of my fraternity members. While I admit I am an ugly, big nosed person, as least I will agree that I have aged more gracefully. The others had all gotten bald and grey, and that was just the women. One of my fraternity brothers now commands a nuclear submarine. Which is frightening, as he seemed to drink too much and every now and then would shout out “someday, I’ll pay back all those Beverly Hills snobs. Hey, Rodeo Drive, here’s one big dildo for you.”

Now, you see, that would be an acceptable use of the word “dildo”. The dildo is not being used to enter a person. Although, granted, a giant dildo missile might enter someone briefly, but not long enough for her to enjoy it.

They should make cell phones in the shape of dildos. Women would just set them to vibrate. And that, men, would explain why a woman would never return your calls, although she would appreciate the frequency with which you are calling.

The Los Angeles Times printed an article with a headline “The Lure of Sex Can Drive Roaches to Their Deaths.” Who knew roaches were just like men?

The Los Angeles Times also had a headline reading “Storm Cuts Power, Spawns Tornados, Upsets Pets.” I expected to see a quote reading “when that tornado came through and destroyed our house, boy, was my dog mad.”

I was a little upset when a cab was called for me—and a disabled access vehicle arrived. The cab company had been told some old guy (me) would be using it. I know I am old, but not that old. Next time I see the people who ordered that cab, I’m running them over with my walker. And I'm getting Gary Owens to hold them down for me while I do it.