Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: Vacation Fads: Finding Who's Your Daddy and Virgin Shopping

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Vacation Fads: Finding Who's Your Daddy and Virgin Shopping

Parking in Philadelphia has always been a problem. In fact, had there been adequate parking in 1776, the delegation from Ontario would have stuck around and we would have had 14 original colonies.

Ask not whether your Congressman hides in the closet. Ask what your Congressman hides in his freezer.

Or, perhaps I should ask what Walt Disney has been hiding. I recently went to Walt Disney World. It was funny finding a pack of cigarettes left, I presume, by the previous room occupant. Or maybe this is the new Disney: free cigarettes for the kiddies.

I actually felt sorry for Darth Vader. People kept running up to him screaming “you do realize how high my Verizon bill is?”

Is there a reason why the Hall of Presidents is next to the Haunted Mansion? At least one of the two will scare you to death. The really frightening part is the robotic George W. Bush that talks on and on for several minutes. The robot is obviously fake because it is so coherent, like a pod from outer space had taken over our President. People were fleeing screaming.

I was on the Haunted House ride when it died. I figured, well, if any ride should die…

I hope the tired teenager who operates the Big Thunder ride knows never to allow Manute Bol onto that ride. For those unfamiliar with it, it is a roller coaster which will decapitate anyone that tall. Decapitated visitors are not good for family theme parks.

There were “Speed Hump” signs instead of “Speed Bump” signs near the resorts. Unfortunately, some guests thought that meant that was were they were to go for quickies.

Walt Disney World is really crowed with long lines, and not really a great place for parents and small children. At one point, a mother with triplets turned to me and begged me “kill me now, please kill me.” It is a great place to observe couples. There are happy young couples holding hands gleefully running to catch a roller coaster. There are other couples dragging children in their hands facing each other telling each other simultaneously “we’re never having more children.”

Other parents get frustrated and very pushy. I saw parents thrusting their children to the front of the line, without anyone regard to the safety of their children and others, screaming that they have to get onto that particular ride immediately or someone would die. In fact, they start swearing they don’t care if one of their children gets killed in this effort: they can always get another child, but today’s their last day of vacation and they can’t get another day. Walt Disney World is a true test of mental stability.

Other behavior I observed is also interesting. I heard one mother say to her child “now, you have to find your daddy…How about that man over there, you like him?”

I visited International Village and tried a taste of all 22 countries: until I realized there were only 11 countries and the village is organized into a circle.

Pleasure Island, where nightclubs are, was Disney mild. In fact, there was a Virgin stoe there, and there were a lot of disappointed foreigners who thought they were selling something else there. I noticed that parts of Disney were segregated along obvious means: there is a BET Black Entertainment Club, a Key West lodge, and, what really surprised me, a Trent Lott Lodge.

I went on the Mission to Mars ride. For those unfamiliar with it, it mimics what it would be like to be blasted into space. It was cute as during the liftoff part of the video, I heard a little boy ask “daddy, is this real?” No, it is not real. Yet, if anyone ever figures out how to turn Mars into a tourist park, be assured it will be Disney.

Other children quickly catch on that things are not real at Disney. Yet, they catch on so well that they then refuse to accept when something is real. When some ducks landed in the middle of the park, I heard a child ask “are those ducks real?”

Disney is good for teaching students basic of economics. They learn how a monopoly operates by discovering that when you are trapped in a monopolistic Disney park you will pay three dollars for a 50 cent soda.

Walt Disney World is perfectly safe. Company policy states that should someone die at Walt Disney World, the body will be immediately taken care of, wrapped up, and left off at Universal Park.

I stayed at the Animal Kingdom Lodge that overlooks an animal refuge. They warned me not to wake up and expect to see a giraffe looking my window every morning. That didn’t bother me. What did bother me was waking up and seeing a couple from Nebraska looking into my window every morning.

While at Disney, visitors were constantly being reminded to refrain from eating, drinking, and smoking during the various performances. I like how they always use the word “refrain”. What if one does refrain but can’t resist?

Working some of the Disney jokes has got to become monotonous. I always wonder what the lifespan is of someone who works the “It’s a Small World” ride is, listening to that song over and over again all day long, every day…


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