Announcement: Universe to End; Unplug All Appliances

We at the Whisastar Institute have good news and bad news.

The good news is we have made major advancements in recreating the conditions of the beginning of the universe. This recreation will provide us with much valuable data for better understanding the origins of the entire known universe. This will be a scientific advancement of tremendous value to researchers.

The bad news is the recreation appears to be occurring beyond our control and will create a brand new universe in place of the current universe. While this is exciting news for those life forms that will benefit from this new universe—indeed, this should herald us for creating this opportunity for their existence—the creation of the new universe will obliterate the current, existing universe, causing the cessation of all life.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

We are sorry for all those who tried so hard to achieve higher levels of enlightenment. It seems all those efforts were not necessary. We hope all exiting life forms enjoy the spontaneous achievement of these next levels. And, again, we apologize for obliterating the universe. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made in the name of science.

The known universe will be destroyed in a fraction of a second from now. We recommend all to spend this remaining time getting their affairs in order, although, really, isn’t that sort of pointless in the long run?

If possible, please turn off all electrical appliances before the end of the universe. No sense in wasting energy needlessly.