Killing Vampires, Airline Passengers, and Flying Movie Executives

I got a stake designed to slay vampires from Scott Schwartz, who was on the “Buffy” show. I am writing this to alert you Buffy lukers that I am prepared in case any of you get too close. Now, what I find truly amazing is: you can bring a stake designed to shove through a heart onto an airplane, but you can not bring nail clippers onto an airplane. Seriously, which of those two objects should strike someone as the more threatening object?

I recently posted a question as to whether bad movies are made by people who honestly believe this is the best script and this is the best film footage they believe their studio could be making, or whether this is a sign there are way too many drugs used amongst studio executives, and I have received an answer from one studio executive: Yes on both accounts.

Does anyone have a good anagram for “Leon Tchaikovsky”? Here is what I’ve been given so far: A shlock token Ivy (hey, I went to an Ivy school, but I was no token, although the shlock part is probably correct), Ca. kinky love host (this might work in L.A. but I’m not certain if I’d actually want to be known as a host for such things), OK tiny love shack (sorry, but no guy wants the word “tiny” associated with him), thank cooky Elvis (yes, I have left the building), I honks tacky love (what exactly is tacky love, anyway?), ye thinks vocals OK (me thinks thou vocals doth protests too much), a hot kinky cloves (huh?), a kinky clove shot (try ordering one of those in a bar), key to lock vanish (me go vanish now) and a honky livestock (which is somehow insulting either to honkys or to livestock). So far, none of these anagrams grab me, although Thank Cooky Elvis might make for a cool stage name.

I met a woman who introduced herself by stating “I’m a medium. I speak to the dead.” I replied “I’m a large and I speak to the living.” And people wonder why I have trouble making friends.

They should introduce truth in announcements. For instance, flight attendants, if they were truthful, would no longer state “in the case of a water landing, your seat will make a flotation device”, they’d state “in the case of a water landing, those of you not killed instantly will slowly drown, and the only thing they’ll find left floating are your seats.”

Do you know why the flight attendants tell you, in case the air masks pop out, to put yours on first before you should put them on your children? That is because, at 30,000 feet, you have 30 seconds to put them on. If you waste that time putting the masks on your scared and squirming children, you will die. This way, by putting yours on first, you can live. Of course, your children will die instead, but you can always make more children.

Actually, I am sensitive to children. I always thought a neat thing to give a compulsive smoker is an ashtray in the shape of a school bus with children passengers that, when the smoker puts out the cigarette, the smoke will go into the toy school bus and the toy children will scream “hey, you idiot, second hand smoke kills.” How much do you think I could sell such a thing for?

I know people who travel too much. I overheard someone state “the only reason I know I’m in Detroit is because today is Tuesday.” Upon being informed that it was Friday, the person responded “I was thinking Detroit was looking more and more like Chicago.”