Death and Other Funny Life Events

Death isn’t supposed to be a funny thing. Yet, if comedy essentially is the surprise of observing something unexpected, a deathbed is a place where expectations of the highest and most proper form of behavior is expected, and, therefore, by definition, where the mistakes made become aggravated. As long as it is not someone with whom you have an emotional connection, observing this can be hilarious.

Of course, when it happens to you, it is not funny. But, since it did not happen to you readers, it is interesting to note, while someone is dying, all the people lost for words. Every visitor says “you look great.” I didn’t realize IV lines and breathing tubes were the highlight of fashion accessories. Also, is it appropriate for family members to squabble over funeral arrangements in front of the dying person? Should one’s last decision really be whether they would rather be buried wearing blue or black? Should nurses be arguing over whether someone is stealing pain medication where visitors can hear? Plus, I know health care employees deal with death and dying all the time, but isn’t there a better way to explain that someone should be dead “by Tuesday, Wednesday at the latest”, as if scheduling a new comedy series on Fox?

Dying is hard work. The person dying has to remember loads of dead people that others have asked to pass along greetings. Plus, I am amazed at the callousness of people who ask to be left personal items (“I can take the couch off your hands”) as if they’re performing a favor, the people that were barely known who suddenly both proclaim themselves the best of lifetime friends and also are extremely religious (and we know the family would love to make a contribution to that religion), and, the people who decide, forget it, I don’t care if I am out of order, everyone else is, so I’m going to stand here and tell jokes. Although, when one is dying, there is a limit to the number of dead baby jokes one wishes to hear.

Some tips for people who have never been through someone dying: 1.) Don’t leave any jewelry on the dying person you won’t miss. 2.) Never expect to see or have a physician speak to you while the person is alive, but your health care insurer will receive a bill from dozens who all claim they treated the person.

On other subjects, I saw an ad for a movie where it stated it was the lead actor’s “best movie in years”. And this is the best they could find to advertise about their film: the guy might not stink as much in this clunker than in all his other stinker movies?

I was wearing my cowboy hat on the elevator when an African American asked if I was from Texas. I told him I was not. He responded “oh, well, all you rednecks look alike.”