I've Forgotten More Jokes Than Some Comics Know, and That's Not Necessarily a Good Thing: Some Forgotten Jokes

If Alzheimer’s is looking at something at something familiar and not knowing what it does and what use it has, then I have to admit, I have Alzheimer’s. Every time I look at George W. Bush, I get Alzheimer’s.

Fortunately, I found something great to look at. I saw my fake daughter’s film “Infidelity”, and it is terrific. Francesca Lee is a wonderful director and film maker. The characters who wrote, developed, and directed were excellent. I look forward to more of her work.

Now for some old jokes:

My hometown is so small, when we have our First Baby Born in the Year Contest, we usually don’t have a winner until late winter.

My hometown is so small, we had a Whoopi Goldberg Look Alike Contest. I won.

Professional athletic salaries are getting out of hand. Team owners now pay some players more than what it cost them to buy the team. I think the day is coming when a team owner is simply going to tell a player: tell you what, the team’s yours. You can everything except the chair in my office. The chair is leaving with me.

Football players amaze me. Frankly, if I get a concussion at work, I’d probably at least take the rest of the day off. A football player gets a concussion, they’re maybe miss a few plays and they’re back in the game. Which makes me realize: football is probably the only sport where you do not even need to be physically be alive in order to play. Just throw the football player’s dead body in front of the guy with the ball. That’s really all you need to do.

I heard a critic complain that no stand up comic today does a show without telling a penis joke. Isn’t that sad? So, here’s my penis joke. How many penises does it take to screw in a light bulb? Come on, women you know the answer. None, because none can stay up long enough to change the bulbs. Anyway, I think, if your penis is screwing in a light bulb, you’re just doing it wrong.

I think President Clinton did an excellent job. Think about it: any executive who can convince an intern to do what he suggested done with a cigar has got to posses some charismatic leadership skills.

I have never shopped at a Kmart. Quite frankly, I don’t even know what a K is, but I’ve lived fine this long without one, so see no need to go shopping for a K.

Have you noticed that you never read that a punk rock band has cancelled a gig because its lead singer has a sore throat?

I was at a party with a friend who is attending a seminary school, and I was amazed that all the single women were gathering around him. I later asked one of the women what is it that women find so fascinating about a man in seminary school. She stated that she finds it erotic knowing that a man is about to foresake women. That little bit of information has provided me with great insight into the differences between how men and women think. Men are thinking “Am I your first?” Women are thinking “Will I be the last you ever have?” No wonder women are so emasculating. Women are thinking, “I’m going to be the last woman you have, one way or another, even if I have to cut it off.” Still, I don’t understand why women would want a man about to become a priest. I don’t want to hear such a woman then complain how men never make a commitment. That man has made a commitment, and believe me, it’s not to to you.

My intensive study of great art works covering thousands of years has brought me to an interesting observation. Apparently it was not until the 20th century that women’s clothing was designed to cover both breasts.

(wearing Dodgers hat). Did you hear on the news that police are looking for a criminal suspect. He is described as being white male between ages 25 and 50 and wearing a Dodgers hat. (change into another hat) It could be worse. Have you ever heard the description given for wanted people who are of African-American descent? Police are looking for a suspect described as “Black”. All Blacks within a ten block radius are to be rounded up for questioning.

I have this message handed to me. Will the woman who left the home pregnancy test is the restroom please claim it? Incidentally, the stick says “positive” I just love telling that and seeing how many guys’ faces go white when I say that.

Why is it that women go to the bathrooms in a group. Women, if you need that much assistance to use a toilet, you’re not doing it right.

Women use a vacuum cleaner once a day and then change the vacuum cleaner bag each every seven days. Men use a vacuum cleaner once every seven years and then just buy a new vacuum cleaner.

Ask a man to fix anything mechanical with a vacuum cleaner, and we’re there. But ask us to change a vacuum cleaner bag, we haven’t got a clue.

(Point to man with a large belly.) Women are mentally challenged. This is what they find sexually attractive.

Parents do their children such a disservice. Especially ones who says things like “play with yourself, and you’ll go blind.” Because you know, somewhere, after hearing that, when Stevie Wonder explains how he inexplicably went blind at the age of 2, there is an 8 year old in the audience raising his hand yelling "I know, Stevie, I know why you went blind.”

It is your job to order lots of drinks. But don’t drink and drive. So, order the drinks, but don’t drink them. I’ll take care of them later.

The military has a policy: Don’t ask, don’t tell. I don’t know what that means. I never asked.

Be assertive when hailing a cab. I’ll show you. When you see a cab, hail it. See, hail. (Make a Nazi salute) See, hail. See whether it stops, and then see whetehr someone then beats you to death.

What If Christopher Lloyd Is a Vampire?

How come jokingly referring this as a “lesbian vampire Christopher Lloyd” site attracts Buffy fans, but hardly gets a peep from Christopher Lloyd fans? Oh, that’s right, probably requires a change in medication. Got you.

Anyway, for you Christopher Lloyd fans, here is a verbatim conversation between me and Lisa de Moraes, television critic for the Washington Post:

Me: “Any chance a slow transformation of making Christopher Lloyd the real star of “Stacked” can save it?

De Moraes: “None whatsoever.”

Should it bother me that I noticed a store was selling a pinata of a young woman?. Is that what we delight in seeing children beating with sticks? (Buffy fans excluded.)

Anyone see the commercial where, if you have a yellow toenail and you take a tablet for three months, you’ll get diarrhea, nausea, and possibly premature death, but your toenail will no longer be yellow? How about if one takes a pill that prevents against those side effects but a toenail will turn yellow? That pill might sell better.

I noticed a cheap bartender. He had put one beer spigot, but sold two kinds of beer: draft and light draft. All he did was add water to make the beer a light. Of course, he could claim it’s his secret blend. Now, maybe if you Christopher Lloyd fans would increase your amounts of water and decrease your amounts of alcohol, we’d be hearing from you more.

The Inside Secret Truth About Me and George Harrison

I may have once met George Harrison. I recall being in Columbus Circle once organizing in my head how to accomplish several objectives that involved going in different directions. As I kept deciding upon, and then changing my mind, as to which path that would best meet all my goals within time constraints, I kept walking and spinning around in different directions in Columbus Circle. I recall a gentleman sitting on a park bench stated to me, “You look lost.” I replied, “It’s not that I’m lost, it’s that I don’t know where I’m going,” The gentleman on the park bench chuckled and responded “true, you have to know where you're going before you can become lost".

After finally deciding upon a course of action, I ran down the subway entrance and ran for an oncoming subway. As I entered the subway door, a younger gentleman ran after me shouting “what did he say to you? What did he say to you?” Realizing he was talking to me, I thought I had run across another one of the eccentric Manhattan inhabitants. The man yelled “that was George Harrison. What did he say to you?” I thought the man daft and rode off in my subway. Particularly, wouldn’t it have been easier to ask a man on a park bench what he had said than to follow me down the subway entrance?

I’d like to think it was George Harrison I even briefly spoke with. Yet, knowing the absurdities that can be found everywhere, not just in Manhattan, I knew the incomprehensibleness of a stranger wanting thinking I had somehow exchanged some comments with one of our time’s great poets struck me as too preposterous to believe that man actually was George Harrison.

Recently, I saw a book. It has a photograph of George Harrison in his later years, sitting on a park bench: in Columbus Circle.

The man in the photograph looked like the gentleman with whom I had spoken.

The 411 on the Sixth, If I Don't Take the Fifth

The following is more information regarding my script “The Sixth Dimension”, as best as I understand and can explain things within the confines of my human limitations. In the beginning, there was light (not an original line). At the speed of light, there would be no passage of time (according to Physicists, which I am not). Both existence and time are the transformation of light into matter and energy. (Whether you are religious are not, it is fine to call this creator God, and then you all can fight over each other as to whose perception of what God is the correct faith, even though such fighting seems against most of your concepts, but defending your concepts against the beliefs of others seems to be more important to you than following your concepts of how things should be thus I really think you should all stop fighting and get along, but I digress.)

All matter is life. All matter needs to consume other matter and energy to stay alive. Death is the transformation of matter back into light, for “there should be time no longer” (also not an original line, its from: Various Authors. The Bible. Various publishers, various dates.)

Where does light go after death? Physicists calculate there are numerous dimensions beyond our perceived three (or even six) dimensional world. Actually, we live in a five or six dimensional world. The dimensions are width, length, depth, time, pressure, and perception. Pressure is what humans perceive with our bodily senses: smell, sights, sounds, barometric pressure, and heat. The sixth dimension is one we perceive mentally. Many people have claimed to have some degree of perception, such as between twins and parents and children, when separated, between people with strong attachments, and often is claimed between people and recently deceased people. To the degree these are perceptions that exist only within an individual brain or whether it is the transferring of information from one person to another, I don’t know. That’s for someone smarter than me to figure out someday. Yet, there are people who claim such perception exists, and there have been people whose claims have been debunked as fraud, and there are others who claims are taken seriously by some.

The CIA and KGB took these claims seriously enough to not only research them but to see if there is any potential military or intelligence gathering use for this sixth dimension perception. Whatever was found, we know it was either decided it was not useful, or, like the discovery of two opponents each holding nuclear bombs, it was decided that the preservation of both sides depended upon never using this for military purposes.

That’s the lesson from “The Sixth Dimension.”

Book Review: "The Colorado General Assembly"

“Politics is serious stuff, and the stakes are high. Why else do clients pay $50,000 to $200,000 in fees to lobbyists who represent their interests” asks a book written about a part time legislature in a state with far fewer people than Pennsylvania, and this was back during the 1980s. “The Colorado General Assembly” allows Pennsylvanians to compare their legislature with a vastly different structure yet one where similarities may be found.

Colorado prides itself as being a “citizen’s legislature” and voters in Colorado approved a Constitutional amendment limiting the Colorado legislature to a 120 day limit for sessions. Unlike the more professional full-time Pennsylvania legislature, the lower pay and limited days of sessions leads to a higher turnover rate amongst Colorado legislatures. One major difficulty this creates a lack of professional legislators with strong institutional knowledge. Thus, lobbyists are seen as being more powerful in Colorado than in many other states. In Colorado, lobbyists outnumber legislators by a 5 to 1 ratio. The lobbyists command much of the knowledge upon which legislators rely and, with a full-time professional commitment towards crafting favorable legislation, they have become very influential in Colorado. Many lobbyists are former legislators who have decided to use their legislative experiences to earn more money. The author notes circumstances where legislators have asked if lobbyists have come to agreement on legislation amongst themselves, rather than it being legislators guiding the process.

In 1986 in Colorado, political action committees accounted for 62% of all contributions to State Senate campaigns and 59% of all contributions to State House campaigns, compared to 29% of contributions to candidates for Governor and 25% of all contributions to other statewide campaigns. This helps cement the bonds between Colorado legislators and lobbyists.

The role of lobbyists takes on greater influence when it is recognized that Colorado’s budget process gives the legislature a stronger role compared to many other states. The author states Colorado has a strong legislative-centered budget and that, although the Governor submits an annual budget to the legislature, the Colorado legislature has long protected its powers over determining much of the budget. Still, the results are similar to most others states’ budgets: namely budgets that are incremental adjustments to previous budgets. Colorado, though, is known for its relatively smaller budgets and for pushing a relatively greater portion of the tax budget onto local governments.

The public can have a more direct role in creating laws in Colorado, unlike in Pennsylvania. The public is permitted to initiate legislation in addition to allowing citizens to place statutory proposals onto the general elections ballot. The author notes many political analysts, though, find this a poor way to create law as the result is often “sloppy and unrefined,” yet, as the author notes, “it does makes for fun and interesting politics.”

An interesting difference about Colorado and Pennsylvania Republicans is that Colorado Republicans appear more divisive with more bitter primaries where losers are often unsupportive of the victors. This may be because Republicans tend to dominate politically in Colorado and thus are more apt to splinter into factions while Pennsylvania Republicans need to stick together more to defeat a Pennsylvania Democrat. Interestingly, this strong but factionalized Colorado Republican has lead to Republican domination of the legislature but lead to several statewide victories for Democrats.

While Republicans are factionalized and legislative turnover is high, a legislator is fairly secure in office in Colorado. Incumbent legislators, unless involved in a scandal or financial difficulty, tend to be reelected as a very high rate. One tradition found in Colorado that is practically unheard of in Pennsylvania is that many retiring legislators resign from office in order to guide their successor choice into their vacancy.

Constituents rarely contact Colorado legislators, according to the author, and, with few staff, most representatives have slow to respond to their mail. Some observers note some Colorado legislators let the mail pile up on the desk and then just throw it all away. Colorado legislators look to other legislators and lobbyists for information on legislative issues. As such, the author notes that good testimony at a legislative hearing has been observed to make a difference as it can sometimes be the best way to inform some legislators on key matters. Still, this does not guarantee that legislators will be expert at their jobs, for as State Sen. Ralph Cole once noted “it’s really hard to legislate against the stupidity of the legislators.”

The author notes that legislative leaders and committee chairs work more cohesively in the Colorado House than in the Senate, which may be the opposite of what would be expected for the larger sized House. Yet, the House leaders and committee chairs had a greater tradition of meeting and coordinating activities more often than in the Senate, and this creates this difference.

In sum, Colorado has an interesting legislature. Yet, the lack of professionalism and reliance upon lobbying interests should allow most to conclude that Pennsylvania has a better legislature, despite there being far too many Republicans in the legislatures of both.

As the Crowes Fly

I heard from Mia Crowe today, so I will plug her DVD “Being Ron Jeremy”, which is one of the few films I have seen recently where I have laughed out loud. It is a hilarious satire of “Being John Malkovich” where people can channel inside the body of Ron Jeremy, a porn star.

I have to confess I have never seen a Ron Jeremy film, so I don’t know the degree to which Ron Jeremy playing himself satirizes his body of work (pun intended), but myself as well as most viewers should quickly pick up on this film satirizing porn films as well. This is central Pennsylvania, the land of the Mennonites where we barely accept the concept of electricity much less porn movies. But, no, this is not a porn movie, although there is nudity, so when watching this film keep the children locked in the basement as most of you readers probably do normally anyway (at least I’m sure that’s what you Buffy fans do, or, actually, most of you Buffy fans are probably the ones being locked in the basement, and you’re being locked in the basement by your children.)

Mia is very talented, and I hope she becomes very famous for purely personal reasons. I keep getting stopped on the streets of L.A. by people who ask if I am Russell Crowe’s brother (or, by a few really poor sighted people who ask if I am Russell Crowe. See my November 4, 2004 posting “Maybe a Russell Crowe Mind, But Not Body”). This way, the next time I get asked if I’m Russell Crowe’s brother, I can respond “no, but I might be Mia Crowe’s brother.” While they’re trying to figure that out, I’ll slip away.

You know, I technically am a Crow as a member of Alpha Chi Rho. I was stopped on the streets of Pittsburgh once by someone who asked if I was a crow, and they meant Alpha Chi Rho and not Russell’s family, so this question can easily confuse me.

Of course, I’m easily confused, but you readers knew that all along.

Preserve Our Preservations

Mayor Steve Reed should be praised for his innovative foresights in creating museums. Museums create excellent opportunities combining educational outreach, historical preservation, and tourism for enhancing economic development. It saddens me to see so much criticism of ideas that, instead, deserve great praise.
We are allowing too much of our historical past to waste away without proper attention. The Civil War Museum does an excellent job of preserving a critical part of history for this and future generations. Further, it encourages Gettysburg visitors and Hersheypark fans to add Harrisburg to their list of destinations. Opening this museum was a very smart move. Building additional museums will open more educational opportunities to all ages, but in particular our young, and will keeping tourists in Harrisburg longer while broadening their horizons in learning.
While it may be easy to be critical of museums, we instead should be praising those with the courage and innovation to create and build museums. The dialogue should more properly be where on the lists of priorities museums belong, not that they shouldn’t be on the list at all.

Killing Vampires, Airline Passengers, and Flying Movie Executives

I got a stake designed to slay vampires from Scott Schwartz, who was on the “Buffy” show. I am writing this to alert you Buffy lukers that I am prepared in case any of you get too close. Now, what I find truly amazing is: you can bring a stake designed to shove through a heart onto an airplane, but you can not bring nail clippers onto an airplane. Seriously, which of those two objects should strike someone as the more threatening object?

I recently posted a question as to whether bad movies are made by people who honestly believe this is the best script and this is the best film footage they believe their studio could be making, or whether this is a sign there are way too many drugs used amongst studio executives, and I have received an answer from one studio executive: Yes on both accounts.

Does anyone have a good anagram for “Leon Tchaikovsky”? Here is what I’ve been given so far: A shlock token Ivy (hey, I went to an Ivy school, but I was no token, although the shlock part is probably correct), Ca. kinky love host (this might work in L.A. but I’m not certain if I’d actually want to be known as a host for such things), OK tiny love shack (sorry, but no guy wants the word “tiny” associated with him), thank cooky Elvis (yes, I have left the building), I honks tacky love (what exactly is tacky love, anyway?), ye thinks vocals OK (me thinks thou vocals doth protests too much), a hot kinky cloves (huh?), a kinky clove shot (try ordering one of those in a bar), key to lock vanish (me go vanish now) and a honky livestock (which is somehow insulting either to honkys or to livestock). So far, none of these anagrams grab me, although Thank Cooky Elvis might make for a cool stage name.

I met a woman who introduced herself by stating “I’m a medium. I speak to the dead.” I replied “I’m a large and I speak to the living.” And people wonder why I have trouble making friends.

They should introduce truth in announcements. For instance, flight attendants, if they were truthful, would no longer state “in the case of a water landing, your seat will make a flotation device”, they’d state “in the case of a water landing, those of you not killed instantly will slowly drown, and the only thing they’ll find left floating are your seats.”

Do you know why the flight attendants tell you, in case the air masks pop out, to put yours on first before you should put them on your children? That is because, at 30,000 feet, you have 30 seconds to put them on. If you waste that time putting the masks on your scared and squirming children, you will die. This way, by putting yours on first, you can live. Of course, your children will die instead, but you can always make more children.

Actually, I am sensitive to children. I always thought a neat thing to give a compulsive smoker is an ashtray in the shape of a school bus with children passengers that, when the smoker puts out the cigarette, the smoke will go into the toy school bus and the toy children will scream “hey, you idiot, second hand smoke kills.” How much do you think I could sell such a thing for?

I know people who travel too much. I overheard someone state “the only reason I know I’m in Detroit is because today is Tuesday.” Upon being informed that it was Friday, the person responded “I was thinking Detroit was looking more and more like Chicago.”

Baseball Physics Test

A baseball game is tied in the bottom of the 9th inning. A hit to the outfield is relayed to the shortstop who throws to home where a base runner is sliding in hopes of scoring the winning run. The pitcher is backing up the catcher, when suddenly someone yells out “oh, no a baby has fallen.” The pitcher looks up and sees that a baby has fallen from the bleachers onto the netting and is sliding towards the pitcher. The pitcher catches the baby.

Considering the height and rate of descent from the bleachers to the netting followed by calculating the speed of which the baby slid down the netting followed by the height and speed of the fall into the pitcher’s arms, the most critical piece of information one needs to know in calculating the result of this event is the following: Was the runner safe at home?

Is the Priest Jewish, and Other Ways a Good Boy Can Torment His Mother

Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny

Today’s lesson: if you are in a crowd and someone offers you a mint, they may not just be being polite. They may actually be trying to tell you something.

It is hard for people of different religions to know what to do in another religion’s house of worship. For instance, like the mint offering, when you enter a synagogue and they offer you a yarmulke, they are not just being polite and you are not supposed to politely decline. Trust me on this one.

Did you hear the next Pope might be Jewish? One of the names mentioned has a Jewish mother, which in the Jewish religion makes him Jewish. I wonder if he ever stood up in Hebrew school and announced "some day, I want to grow up and become a Cardinal?" Of course, they probably thought he meant a St. Louis Cardinal and thought nothing of it...

When the away team hits a home run, it is a tradition in several stadiums that the fan who catches the ball throws the ball back. Now, when President Bush throws out the first pitch, it is proper to throw that ball back?

I recently saw a movie that so bad, it got me wondering: how did the studio ever approve, much less continue to make, this movie? Did the studio lose a bet, is this evidence of way too much drug and alcohol use among studio executives, or are there actually people who earn a living who were running around excitedly stating “this is the greatest script I’ve seen in a long time”, in which case, all I can state is: there is excellent psychological treatment available for these people.

Death and Other Funny Life Events

Death isn’t supposed to be a funny thing. Yet, if comedy essentially is the surprise of observing something unexpected, a deathbed is a place where expectations of the highest and most proper form of behavior is expected, and, therefore, by definition, where the mistakes made become aggravated. As long as it is not someone with whom you have an emotional connection, observing this can be hilarious.

Of course, when it happens to you, it is not funny. But, since it did not happen to you readers, it is interesting to note, while someone is dying, all the people lost for words. Every visitor says “you look great.” I didn’t realize IV lines and breathing tubes were the highlight of fashion accessories. Also, is it appropriate for family members to squabble over funeral arrangements in front of the dying person? Should one’s last decision really be whether they would rather be buried wearing blue or black? Should nurses be arguing over whether someone is stealing pain medication where visitors can hear? Plus, I know health care employees deal with death and dying all the time, but isn’t there a better way to explain that someone should be dead “by Tuesday, Wednesday at the latest”, as if scheduling a new comedy series on Fox?

Dying is hard work. The person dying has to remember loads of dead people that others have asked to pass along greetings. Plus, I am amazed at the callousness of people who ask to be left personal items (“I can take the couch off your hands”) as if they’re performing a favor, the people that were barely known who suddenly both proclaim themselves the best of lifetime friends and also are extremely religious (and we know the family would love to make a contribution to that religion), and, the people who decide, forget it, I don’t care if I am out of order, everyone else is, so I’m going to stand here and tell jokes. Although, when one is dying, there is a limit to the number of dead baby jokes one wishes to hear.

Some tips for people who have never been through someone dying: 1.) Don’t leave any jewelry on the dying person you won’t miss. 2.) Never expect to see or have a physician speak to you while the person is alive, but your health care insurer will receive a bill from dozens who all claim they treated the person.

On other subjects, I saw an ad for a movie where it stated it was the lead actor’s “best movie in years”. And this is the best they could find to advertise about their film: the guy might not stink as much in this clunker than in all his other stinker movies?

I was wearing my cowboy hat on the elevator when an African American asked if I was from Texas. I told him I was not. He responded “oh, well, all you rednecks look alike.”