Kill an Agnostic for Democracy

Two American soldiers JOHN and GEORGE walk through a Iranian neighborhood. They wear military outfits and carry rifles. Their eyes search the area as they talk and walk towards a door.

JOHN
Why did you enlist?

GEORGE
They said they’d pay for my college.

JOHN
Too bad a war interrupted that plan.

GEORGE
So, did they fully train you for this mission?

JOHN
Did they provide you with full protective gear?

(John and George look at each and laugh at their respective jokes.)

GEORGE
Time to build democracy.

(George knocks on the door. HAZIM, an Iraqi civilian, answers the knock.)

HAZIM
Hello.

GEORGE
Good afternoon. We are conducting a house by house search and we were just kind of wondering, are you Sunni or Shiite?

(John taps George on the shoulder.)

JOHN
What are the orders this week? Are we shooting Sunnis or Shiites?

(Hazim overhears this and appears quite concerned.)

HAZIM (speaks to George)
Yes, please answer that.

GEORGE
I think we’re supposed to shoot Shiites.

JOHN
You sure. It seems like yesterday we were shooting Sunnis.

GEORGE
Well, if George Bush once said he couldn’t keep them apart, how are we supposed to know which is which?

JOHN (speaks to Hazim)
So, are you a Sunni…or a Shiite?

(As Hazim drags out his answer, he crouches and changes his expression in response to John and George raising and lowering their guns as he answers.)

HAZIM
Well, I’m more of a Shii….Suuuuu…Shiiiiiii…..Suuuu

GEORGE
Well, which is it?

HAZIM
You can’t make generalizations like that. My mother is a Sunni and my father is a Shiite.

(George and John huddle together.)

JOHN
What do we do now?

GEORGE
Maybe we just shoot him halfway?

JOHN
I got it.

(John turns towards Hazim. George follows in turning towards Hazim.)

JOHN (to Hazim)
Which mosque do you attend?

HAZIM
To be honest, I’m not really that religious.

GEORGE
Which mosque do you attend on special occasions, you know, like on Easter and Christmas?

HAZIM
Actually, I never attend. I’m really an agnostic.

(John raises his rifle and fires at Hazim. Hazim falls down dead.)

JOHN
Damn agnostics, that’s just un-American.