Bush Faces 100 Peers, Cheney Faces 12 Peers

SAG
Hello, I’m a Sagging Boob, and I’m the host of the game show “One Versus 100”, where a contestant wins a grand prize for answering at least one question that agrees with the answers of 100 people representing a cross section of the American public. Our contest today is George W. Bush.

(BUSH stands with his back to the camera and waves.
Sag turns Bush around.)

SAG
Welcome to our show.

BUSH
I haven’t been this nervous since I stayed up all night memorizing all the names of my Cabinet. Did you realize that Health AND Human services counts as just one Cabinetization?

SAG
To play the game, the contestant will write down his answer and see if it matches any one of 100 people. First question: “Your intelligence assessments tell you there is practically a zero chance of success in Iraq, that America has no influence over the bulk of the Iraqi people, and that a continued American presence in Iraq is only encouraging the spread of terrorism. Do you a.) withdraw troops from Iraq, b.) keep the same number of troops in Iraq, or c.) increase the number of troops in Iraq.

BUSH
c.

SAG
No, you’re supposed to write your answer down. By giving it away before the others have written their answer, you’re going to match…

(Sag listens to a microphone in his ear.)

SAG
What’s that? Not one? The President’s answer did not match any of the 100 others…even after he gave his answer…OK….we’ll try a second question. “Your Vice President has a conflict of interest with Halliburton, helps Halliburton obtain billions of dollars of contracts without competitive bids, and it turns out that Halliburton has significant cost overruns. Do you a.) pick a new Vice President, b.) call for a complete and independent investigation of your Vice President, or c.) continue to let your Vice President run your administration like you’re his bitch?” Write your answer down.

BUSH
c.

(Sag throws his papers into the air in disgust.)

SAG
Bush said it outloud again. Yet, I see he still has not matched any of the 100.

(DICK CHENEY walks by with a gun. Cheney walks off-camera. A gun shot is heard.)

SAG
It seems Vice President Cheney has accidentally shot one of the 100 players and has taken his place in this game.

(Cheney walks to Sag with a card reading “c”.)

CHENEY
It’s “c” you idiot. Get with the program.

SAG
President Bush, you have made a match and you’re our grand winner. Come back next week when our contestant will be Dick Cheney is our new game “1 versus 12”, where hopefully Cheney will be facing a criminal jury of 12.