Put the Blue Fairy in a Maid's Outfit and Have Her Play Outfield

I fear my uncle has a drinking problem. He drank some absinthe, who promises when you drink it you’ll see the blue fairy. He got so drunk he wound up passed out in a hospital bed, and when he woke up, in the next bed was Andy Dick choking.

He says all he remembers about yesterday was paying some cashier $21. I looked around, and I couldn’t find what he bought. Either he consumed it whole, or it escaped. If he consumed it whole, I sure hope it was edible. If it escaped, let’s hope he bought it from a store without a video camera so we can deny all responsibility for it.

Why do women ask men which dress they think is best? You’re the experts, not us. Does a wine expert ask a wino drinking battery acid which vintage Chateau Latour is best? You’re asking people who have the least clue how to answer. If you ask men which dress they like best, and you want honest answers, be prepared to get answers that nurse’s and maid’s outfits look the best.

Men look at things differently, even religion. We look at the 12 disciples and think, OK, that’s enough for a softball team and a few reserves.

There is an effort to get the original cast of “Hair” to return for a remake. Unfortunately, they’re going to have to name the play “Bald”.

Children, never get your mother angry. She’ll start with the guilt going back to childbirth. I overheard one mother screaming at a son “do you know I had to go through 90 hours of labor with you? A couple of times you got all the way out and then you crawled back in.” With screaming like that, I didn’t blame him.

For the Woman with 200 Pairs of Shoes and the Guy Who Forgot to Wear Socks

Each day I look at people, and I think: this is a collection of individuals who devoted previous time in their busy schedules and invested a significant part of the money they worked hard to earn, and after all that, this is what, out an entire store from which to choose items, they think makes them look their best. I cannot imagine wasting so much time to look so ugly. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I look good. I’m just saying, I go into a store, I find the discount wrack, I buy the first thing my size, I’m back in time for the game and I save enough money to go to Disneyland, and I still look just as bad as everyone else and I’m still ahead of the game.

The Art of Communication is Dying and Others Reasons You Should Just Shut up and Listen

I attended a bris. It was a deeply moving service. It was so moving that, when it was done, I yelled “encore!” Was that wrong?

A member of Congress says he has “an honorable explanation” for why he kept thousands of dollars in his freezer. Meanwhile, a group in Canada buys three tons of sodium nitrate. I guess there never really is a shortage of manure going around.

Nigerian militants today announced they were going to free some hostages. But only if thousands more of Internet users first send them their bank account numbers so they may move their inheritances to a British bank.

Mark Warner spent $100,000 on bloggers last weekend. Mark, there must have been an oversight: you forgot me. Where’s my check?

The art of communication is dying. I made two recent observations on this. First, I was at first pleasantly surprised to see a group of people in a sports restaurant fixated on a World Cup match between Sweden and Trinidad and Tobago. The group of them sat silently for almost an hour watching every play. Finally, one of them said “what on earth are we watching?” To which another replied “I don’t know.” The game was 0 to 0, and would end a scoreless tie. Someone then asked “who’s winning?” Someone replied “don’t know.” Yet, they continued watching every move. Actually, I guess they were receiving communications, but the messages were not reaching the brain.

My second observation comes from those medium-speak-to-the-dead TV shows that are shown. I note that the dead have a really hard time spitting things out. I think this is a product of our poor schools. We do not teach children how to effectively communicate, and those poor skills obviously follow us in death. We need to improve our speaking skills from childhood on, because in death, it is going to be really troublesome when the medium can’t make out what you’re saying.

I note how Sarah Silverman has pushed the envelope on making jokes about Martin Luther King. As Sarah Silverman says it herself, she doesn’t care if you call her a racist, just as long as you states she’s beautiful. So, Sarah, here it is. You’re a racist. But you are beautiful. (P.S. Jimmy Kimmel: way to go.)

The only known copy of the first printing of the U.S. Constitution is being sold. It is expected to fetch about $150,000. The first photographs of Brad Pitt’s and Angelina Jolie’s baby are expected to fetch several million dollars. Yes, America, we know our priorities.

Parenting in Hollywood is different than parenting elsewhere. Only in the L.A. area do you hear parents yelling at their children “stop playing outside and come inside and study your televisions shows.”

The Really Important Message to Take From the DaVinci Code

Here is the real message one should take from “The DaVinci Code:”

If you are raising a girl as a grandfather and you have a great secret, instead of leaving it in code all over the place, just tell her: should I die and people come after you trying to kill you, go immediately to that church in England you took her to as a child and people there will take care of you. Although, if those people were supposed to take care of you, why were they just sitting around waiting for you instead of going to France to pick you up? They seem kind of lazy to me.

It is not just movies that are stupid. Even real life people are stupid. Today’s hint: if you are a group of Muslims, do not order three tons of ammonium nitrate. People might get suspicious.

My uncle was so cheap. He figured out it was cheaper to donate his suits to charity, have them clean the clothes for resale, and then buy his donated clothing back than it was to pay to have his suits dry cleaned.

Rick Santorum has stated that the immigration bill supported by John McCain and Arlen Specter is one favored by “liberals”. How conservative is Santorum to suggest that a bill sponsored by McCain and Specter is a liberal bill?