Put the Blue Fairy in a Maid's Outfit and Have Her Play Outfield

I fear my uncle has a drinking problem. He drank some absinthe, who promises when you drink it you’ll see the blue fairy. He got so drunk he wound up passed out in a hospital bed, and when he woke up, in the next bed was Andy Dick choking.

He says all he remembers about yesterday was paying some cashier $21. I looked around, and I couldn’t find what he bought. Either he consumed it whole, or it escaped. If he consumed it whole, I sure hope it was edible. If it escaped, let’s hope he bought it from a store without a video camera so we can deny all responsibility for it.

Why do women ask men which dress they think is best? You’re the experts, not us. Does a wine expert ask a wino drinking battery acid which vintage Chateau Latour is best? You’re asking people who have the least clue how to answer. If you ask men which dress they like best, and you want honest answers, be prepared to get answers that nurse’s and maid’s outfits look the best.

Men look at things differently, even religion. We look at the 12 disciples and think, OK, that’s enough for a softball team and a few reserves.

There is an effort to get the original cast of “Hair” to return for a remake. Unfortunately, they’re going to have to name the play “Bald”.

Children, never get your mother angry. She’ll start with the guilt going back to childbirth. I overheard one mother screaming at a son “do you know I had to go through 90 hours of labor with you? A couple of times you got all the way out and then you crawled back in.” With screaming like that, I didn’t blame him.