Jokes to Strike By

Due to the strike, the following jokes are re-runs:

I agree with President Johnson that if we don’t fight in Viet Nam now that Viet Nam will instead be fought off on our shores. You see, according to continental drift, I think Viet Nam someday may be right off our coast.

You might have a weight problem if they refuse to let you on a ride that prohibits expectant mothers—and you’re a guy.

I know a guy who pours beer in his gas tank. That way, if he gets pulled over for DUI, he can claim it’s the car that’s driving drunk.

Squirrels cut power to two cities. Which makes me wonder: should we begin checking the border for terrorist squirrels? (Oops, ignore that is a recent news item.)

Why I Keep Forgetting to Post This Review

Review of "Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget" by Marianne J. Legato

Marianne Legato, an expert on gender specific medicine, writes how men and women’s biological differences account for some psychological differences. Men and women tend to use different portions of their brains more and to release more of different hormones which tends to create differences in how men and women act in various activities. It is important that we understand and appreciate these differences, especially in medical senses as past research has tended to not realize that women have these different reactions.

Women are more apt to activate the armygdala section of the brain during stress which causes higher blood pressure and faster heart beats, thus making women more prone to stress. Women also tend to release greater amounts of the hormone oxytocin which motivates one to seek others for assistance. During stress, women are more apt to use both sides of the brain, which allows for more multitasking. Men tend to use one side of the brain and are better at handing events one at a time, which in some circumstances can be more efficient than multitasking. Women, thought, release more estrogen and activate more brain neurons during stress, which indicate they may feel stress more sharply. The structure of chromosomes of females makes them more apt to suffer from depression. These differences in chemical releases may partially explain why, of the 19 million with depression, 12 million are female. The chemical releases that tend to cause depression often occur after childbirth which leads to the little admitted reality that most mothers suffer some degree of depression within 10 days following giving birth.

As for bragging rights, men can claim to have larger brains and women may retort their brains are more efficient. Interestingly, male and female brains literally think differently. Females tend to be better at understanding the nuances of verbal communication and understanding the meaning of nonverbal cues such as facial expressions. Women tend to have a higher blood flow to the parts of the brain from which language functions. Thus, women have better recall of conversations.

It is important that we understand and recognize these differences. As many past medical studies used more male subjects, we are now learning it is wrong to assume that the responses of women to diseases and psychological experiences are the same as men experience. It is better that we discover what these differences are and we alter our medical and psychological assistance accordingly.

This Just In: Franco is Dead (Repeat Tomorrow)

News writers are threatening to go on strike. Network executives are unfazed by these threats, stating they will instead air reruns of the news.

I saw a father look down at his son and say “I see a bit of myself in you” and the boy looked back up and replied “is that a good or bad?”

I have learned that one way to tell things about a date is how she treats wait servers. I admire people willing to work so hard with the ability to be pleasant to others for hourly wages and tips. That is a demanding job. If your date abuses wait servers, that is a serious warning sign. Yet, I recently discovered another strong warning sign: if your date gets jealous over your wait server, you may be dating a potential psychotic. If your date starts overhearing the wait server tell the next couple they made an excellent suggestion and complains “what, wasn’t my choice just as good?” and starts wondering on why the server is smiling at other tables and not just at her, my advice: make a notice of this, and then run.


If eternity could be one moment,
I’d have this moment frozen in time,
If I could be with you forever,
This is what I would always keep.

Of course, when I wrote the above, it turns out my clothing was entangled in my blender and it was shooting out food all over the room.

Then Where Do Baby Russians Come From?

Well, writers are on strike. So, does that mean by posting anything I am becoming a scab to myself? Because, frankly, if this blog goes to DVD, forget it, I am not paying myself anything. Masochistic writers unite, you have nothing to lose but your chains.

DVDs are becoming extremely revenue sources to the film industry. Many people rent or buy films or watch them with advertisements on the Internet. I like how DVDs often give you options of hearing the film in various foreign languages. Although, I think it would be really cool and especially appropriate for some of the recent comedies I've seen if I could view the film in the language of "Complete Gibberish."


My slow friend started watching a DVD and got to the part where the screen read "this DVD for sale only." So he turned it off and put it back.
Film reflects society. A sign that the war in Iraq is going wrong is how it is being depicted in film. Even in the divisive Viet Nam War, the first film made about the Viet Nam War at least starred John Wayne. I think the surest sign this war is going wrong is that the first war movie about the Iraq War stars Larry the Cable Guy.


Poor George W. Bush. I shouldn't criticize him too much. He is human, and he puts his pants on just like the rest of us, one arm at a time.


I never wanted to go into the family business. Still, it bothered me when my father put up a sign that read "Tchaikovsky and Daughter." You see, I am an only child.


True story: a ditzy wait server gave me coffee and said "it is a little on the light side." It turned out it was pure hot water. They had made their coffee and totally forgot to put the coffee grounds into the coffee maker. Still, add whipped cream and they can still sell if for three bucks.


True story: I was eating alone in a diner and the wait server asked me "will this be one check or separate checks?" I should have said "separate checks" and see how she handled that.


I saw a doctor. The good news is I do not know multiple personality disorder. He states I have no personality disorder.


In the midst of discussion amongst the guys in the office, a woman made a passing comment that "Peyton Manning is cute". This, as every guy knows, is a horrible thing to say. Not because we are uncomfortable with the concept that a woman finds a guy cute. It is something much deeper than that.


Football players are not cute. We have no idea what they look like. They are steroid-ized cyborgs in pads and helmets. We're not sure if they are even human. We just want those wearing our team's uniforms to score more points than the other team. You could switch the entire roster of both teams and we will still root for the uniform and not the people inside them.


What this woman did wrong was not think a player is cute but ruined our impression that there are no living beings inside football uniforms. Men view football like we do war: it is a game of strategy involving abstract things like collateral damage, but we never recognize that actual human lives are involved. We do not wish to admit that people get hurt in war, football, and hunting with Dick Cheney.
Now, fans are different.

Women can find us fans cute, and we do like to think that women find think there is nothing sexy than a fat sports fan with two beer cans attached to a helmet. I find women most prefer Cubs fans. Cub fans are well liked because the Cubs play during the day and their fans are not too drunk yet.

I went to Disneyland and saw something horrible. Disneyland is selling pirate swords. Attention, all adults: do not arm the children. This is a strategic mistake. Especially at the end of a long day of standing in line for hours for rides that last a couple of minutes. All throughout the park, I saw defeated parents staring in space, watching as their children were running around madly swinging swords and hitting bystanders indiscriminately. I could tell by the expression in the parents' faces that they were thinking "maybe the kid will stab someone and the authorities will take my child away and I will never have to deal with the child ever again…"

True story: while on It's a Small World Ride, someone got a cell phone call, and the person answered and proceeded to attempt to talk louder than the music. Which goes to show, cell phones are making this too freaking small a world.

Someone who is totally blind once mistook me for Russell Crowe and asked for my autograph. I realized later, I should have said that I am Russell Crowe and sold my autograph for $20. And, for $40, I can also be Brad Pitt.

A sign I am getting older. I was sitting in a restaurant and someone pointed at me and said to her friend "see, I told you Abe Vigoda is still alive."

I took a tour of Los Angeles and the tour guide pointed out a neighborhood and described it as an integrated community of gays, straights, and Russians. Which had me wondering: what sexuality are "Russians" that separates them from gays and straights?

Why do they make passengers turn of their iPods while planes take off? Frankly, if you are too busy listening to music to realize your plane has crashed and that you should evacuate, do you really deserve to live?