Then Where Do Baby Russians Come From?

Well, writers are on strike. So, does that mean by posting anything I am becoming a scab to myself? Because, frankly, if this blog goes to DVD, forget it, I am not paying myself anything. Masochistic writers unite, you have nothing to lose but your chains.

DVDs are becoming extremely revenue sources to the film industry. Many people rent or buy films or watch them with advertisements on the Internet. I like how DVDs often give you options of hearing the film in various foreign languages. Although, I think it would be really cool and especially appropriate for some of the recent comedies I've seen if I could view the film in the language of "Complete Gibberish."


My slow friend started watching a DVD and got to the part where the screen read "this DVD for sale only." So he turned it off and put it back.
Film reflects society. A sign that the war in Iraq is going wrong is how it is being depicted in film. Even in the divisive Viet Nam War, the first film made about the Viet Nam War at least starred John Wayne. I think the surest sign this war is going wrong is that the first war movie about the Iraq War stars Larry the Cable Guy.


Poor George W. Bush. I shouldn't criticize him too much. He is human, and he puts his pants on just like the rest of us, one arm at a time.


I never wanted to go into the family business. Still, it bothered me when my father put up a sign that read "Tchaikovsky and Daughter." You see, I am an only child.


True story: a ditzy wait server gave me coffee and said "it is a little on the light side." It turned out it was pure hot water. They had made their coffee and totally forgot to put the coffee grounds into the coffee maker. Still, add whipped cream and they can still sell if for three bucks.


True story: I was eating alone in a diner and the wait server asked me "will this be one check or separate checks?" I should have said "separate checks" and see how she handled that.


I saw a doctor. The good news is I do not know multiple personality disorder. He states I have no personality disorder.


In the midst of discussion amongst the guys in the office, a woman made a passing comment that "Peyton Manning is cute". This, as every guy knows, is a horrible thing to say. Not because we are uncomfortable with the concept that a woman finds a guy cute. It is something much deeper than that.


Football players are not cute. We have no idea what they look like. They are steroid-ized cyborgs in pads and helmets. We're not sure if they are even human. We just want those wearing our team's uniforms to score more points than the other team. You could switch the entire roster of both teams and we will still root for the uniform and not the people inside them.


What this woman did wrong was not think a player is cute but ruined our impression that there are no living beings inside football uniforms. Men view football like we do war: it is a game of strategy involving abstract things like collateral damage, but we never recognize that actual human lives are involved. We do not wish to admit that people get hurt in war, football, and hunting with Dick Cheney.
Now, fans are different.

Women can find us fans cute, and we do like to think that women find think there is nothing sexy than a fat sports fan with two beer cans attached to a helmet. I find women most prefer Cubs fans. Cub fans are well liked because the Cubs play during the day and their fans are not too drunk yet.

I went to Disneyland and saw something horrible. Disneyland is selling pirate swords. Attention, all adults: do not arm the children. This is a strategic mistake. Especially at the end of a long day of standing in line for hours for rides that last a couple of minutes. All throughout the park, I saw defeated parents staring in space, watching as their children were running around madly swinging swords and hitting bystanders indiscriminately. I could tell by the expression in the parents' faces that they were thinking "maybe the kid will stab someone and the authorities will take my child away and I will never have to deal with the child ever again…"

True story: while on It's a Small World Ride, someone got a cell phone call, and the person answered and proceeded to attempt to talk louder than the music. Which goes to show, cell phones are making this too freaking small a world.

Someone who is totally blind once mistook me for Russell Crowe and asked for my autograph. I realized later, I should have said that I am Russell Crowe and sold my autograph for $20. And, for $40, I can also be Brad Pitt.

A sign I am getting older. I was sitting in a restaurant and someone pointed at me and said to her friend "see, I told you Abe Vigoda is still alive."

I took a tour of Los Angeles and the tour guide pointed out a neighborhood and described it as an integrated community of gays, straights, and Russians. Which had me wondering: what sexuality are "Russians" that separates them from gays and straights?

Why do they make passengers turn of their iPods while planes take off? Frankly, if you are too busy listening to music to realize your plane has crashed and that you should evacuate, do you really deserve to live?