Two's Company, Tweets a Crowd

Nate SIlver stating that the convention wisdom is wrong now makes the convention wisdom to be that the conventional wisdom is wrong, right?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1h
"One good girl is like a thousand bitches", said the guy who has had neither.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1h
I believe Kanye West believes it was USC Trojans that attacked Greece.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1h
One can't be funny all the time. Unless, of course, you look like me.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6h
Philadelphia cuts spending on schools by $304 million while spending $400 million on a new prison, Let's think about that for awhile.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6h
Remember, if you become a terrorist, please keep your Twitter and social media accounts active.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6h
When a member of Congress tell us that fetuses masturbate, I realize the depth of research our hard working members of Congress conduct.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6h
Claire McCaskill endorses Hillary, but definitely not Bill.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6h
Well, technically, there HAVE been pageants where men wore evening gowns and discussed sexism in the workplace...
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6h
At suicides, I always ask what the person was wearing.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Jun
The nominee for the number two CIA position used to hold "erotica nights" at a bookstore. And the problem is,,,,?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Jun
Why are all homeless veterans? I think the military needs to train service personnel how to find apartments.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Jun
Big Brother may be watching, yet quite frankly, Big Brother doesn't care how lame your life is.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Jun
Passenger on plane announces everyone has been poisoned. Flight continues as scheduled. We all already  know plane food will kill you.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Jun
Women will have equalized pay in Utah once more men who are in charge are educated. May I now be fourth runner up?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Jun
Spoiler alert: So, In "Looper", that was an incest scene?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Jun
Wearing nuns dresses. #HabiltsThatAreHardToBreak
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Jun
"Urinetown": A play about a futuristic society where people are forced to go back to using faxes.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Jun
Happy Fathers Day to all those fathers who taught their children the true meanings of love and of alcohol abuse.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Jun
Your Father is so confused, when he was told to apply for SS benefits, he went to Germany. #FatherJokes
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Jun
Your Father is so ugly, when you were first born and first saw your Dad, you slapped your mother for her poor choice; #FatherJokes
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Jun
Your Father is so heavy, he can't work construction without the structure collapsing on him. #FatherJokes
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Jun
Happy Sperm Producer Day
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 15 Jun
Putin says he could kill people with his Super Bowl ring. Just what we Americans would do to get one.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 15 Jun
So, a stolen Super Bowl ring goes to the top of the Russian hierarchy. Now that is a conspiracy, Mr. Putin.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Jun
Remember, you make a joke about a victim, yet that makes you a bully. Only bullies like victim jokes, and they think it is OK to bully you.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Jun
Oh, Happy F(L)ag Day. That's different.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Jun
#KanyeWestIsTheKindOfGuyThatWill get seated in a restaurant sooner than I will.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Jun
@thebobbieoliver How many potholes were there in Blackburn Lancashire in 1967?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13 Jun
Although Congressional Republicans lost in softball 22-0, Rep. Paul Ryan announced he is proud of his four home runs.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13 Jun
Congressional Republicans can't even unite on how to play softball as they lose to Congressional Democrats 22-0.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13 Jun
@GeorgeTakei Hey, I write all my material. OK, you don't have to say it....
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13 Jun
Why we need better sex education: Congress argues women can't get pregnant from rape, so Congress won't pay for abortions for rape victims.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13 Jun
Possible new names for Washington Redskins: Tanning Bedders, Pink Cloth Wearers, Dead Skins, Cleveland Indians, and Spanked Bare Skin Reds.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13 Jun
Ad "Enjoy the sunny day outdoors" Reality: "How those tornados and lightning don't kill us."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13 Jun
"He died doing what he loved. Cowering in fear of a tornado was his greatest joy."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13 Jun
Spielberg predicts a movie will stay in a theater for months. Just like my small town when I was young.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 12 Jun
@MonicaHesse My bucket list is usually sand, a plastic shovel, some water. Why do you ask?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 12 Jun
When you shoot someone while wearing an ankle bracelet, the police can....you know, on second thought. it"s best you don't understand this.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 12 Jun
Yellow snow #UnpopularDrinks
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 12 Jun
Diet Bassomatic #UnpopularDrinks
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 12 Jun
Moonshine sprayed by a skunk. #UnpopularDrinks
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 12 Jun
New Coke #UnpopularDrinks
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 12 Jun
Bloody Marys made with real animal blood. #UnpopularDrinks
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 12 Jun
Cicade juince. #UnpopularDrinks
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 12 Jun
Diet drinks that add natural sugar for added sweetness. #UnpopularDrinks
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 12 Jun
Coke with poison ivy #UpopularDrinks
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 12 Jun
OK, is it safe to assume Kanye West likes big butts?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 12 Jun
Yes, if you are ever told you are the oldest person in the world, it is time to write your will and stop buying green bananas.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 12 Jun
"Pull my hair, play with my hair" vs. "You touch my hair, I will cut you."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 11 Jun
"In our culture, calling someone a bodily excrement is a recognition of essential functions and is of the highest complement, you piece of s
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 11 Jun
@Myrawdia Thank you for the favorite. The tweet now has an improved self-esteem and may be able to leave the house and go outside.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 11 Jun
@petridishes Actually, I believe true love can be measured by how much of a date consists of discussing badgers.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 11 Jun
Off to photograph Israeli wedding and perform in lower Manhattan. Yes,I will shoot Jews and bomb on Wall Street. (Have fun bored NSA reader)
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 10 Jun
@thebobbieoliver My ex also had multiple dicks. That is why she is my ex.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 10 Jun
@chaneyj There are strict OSHA rules about proper lighting of fires under workplace butts. Please consult your Workplace Safety Committee.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 10 Jun
Don't worry too much about being spied upon. Most people paranoid about being watched are of no concern to any spying agency.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 10 Jun
Spoiler alert: Dan Draper is the assassin in the grassy knoll.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 10 Jun
Is the President's Privacy and Civil Liberties Oversight Board supposed to defend or to oppose privacy and civil liberties?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 9 Jun
Actos should always be positive. If they tweet they are going to bomb tomorrow, the NSA may take them away and they'll never be seen again.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 9 Jun
Yes, that we me on Taiwanese TV. My fear, the translation was "I'm an idiot America who should be despised by all Taiwanese."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 8 Jun
Dear NSA: I forgot where I was told to me at noon Would you please check your transcripts and forward that information to me?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 7 Jun
@ThePluckyOne Thank you for the favorite. The tweet was having emotional problems yet I believe you helped it pull through its traumas.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 7 Jun
@geneweingarten We answer the NY Times crossword puzzle in Klingon and then develop a new crossword based on the Klingon answers.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 7 Jun
I am filling out a Freedom of Information request. I am asking how many NSA agents it takes to change a light bulb.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 7 Jun
@petridishes You should take pride in your work, not in how many followers you have. Said the guy with just 55 followers.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 7 Jun
@AnthonyWeinter "You get to work and save me from those cock sucking Republicans." Oh, sorry, you've already seen that message.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 7 Jun
@MonicaHesse Obviously, "Those Who Cannot Remember the Future are Condemned to Repeat It". Forget who the author is.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 7 Jun
Every time someone unfollows me, a puppy and a kitten dies and a cancerous tumor begins growing inside the person who unfolllowed me.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 7 Jun
To our classmate you came out of the closet: We still accept you. We accepted you were gay back when we figured it out  in fifth grade
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
Sure they collect the data but can they use it. How many drunken tweets and bad comedy jokes does the NSA really need?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
I am leaving my body to medical science. I have eaten so many thing whose expiration date are after mine, there should be something reusable
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
Always respect others, you ignorant turd. #ThingsIWillTeachMyChild
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
The key to success is to be born rich. You lose. #ThingsIWillTeachMyChild
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
I swear I gave your mother money to abort you. #ThingsIWillTeachMyChild
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
If I knew myself were babies come from, you would never be here. #ThingsIWillTeachMyChild
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
OK, it is true that I am married, but my wife never leaves the attic. She knows better not to. #ThingsNotToSayOnAFirstDate
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
I live in a house where the family does not know I am there. Not paying rent is great. #ThingsNotToSayOnAFirstDate
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
I write comedy. #ThingsNotTOSayOnAFirstDate
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
The next time you clips your nail, would you send me the nail clippings? #ThingsNotToSayOnAFirstDate
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
OK, it is true that I am married, but I am sure my wife will die in an accident any day now. #ThingsNotToSayOnAFirstDate
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
I was thrown out of Scientology for being too enthusiastic about the religion. #ThingsNotToSayOnAFirstDate
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
I have no communicable disease as I insist on always wearing three sheets of saran wrap around my entire body. #ThingsNotToSayOnAFirstDate
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
I like ears. Would you like to see my collection of ears I keep in jars? #ThingsotToSayOnAFirstDate
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
OK, technically one was a hung jury, but I was never convicted in the murders of any of my girlfriends.  #ThingsNotToSayOnAFirstDate
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
We are all Internet reporters and we all may shed light on the truth. One key detail: remember, it must be the truth.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
My new Path name is Jstbr which I am pronouncing "Justin Bieber".
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
May Rep. Mark Sanford please be appointed to the Appalachian Commission.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
@geneweingarten Was the meeting of the Liberal Media Conspirators today? I wrote the wrong date on my calendar.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
I can't get my cell phone voice messages to work. I'll just wait for the NSA transcript.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
Rubio opposes the Rubio bill. I hope Rubio shows Rubio a thing or two.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 6 Jun
So Tea Party groups, who argue tax money should not subsidize social programs, want tax breaks themselves. Cut everyone else, not me.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 5 Jun
The next Tuesday New Jersey election will be held on a Wednesday.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 5 Jun
@TerrieBernard7 Thank you for creating an account with one tweet to me. I feel special.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 5 Jun
@thebobbieoliver No, I don't follow Roseanne on Twitter. I guess running for  President might have begun her downfall, all that politics.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 5 Jun
Lesson for the day: You can still be one of the wealthiest and best known teens in the world and still not be happy. Please respect all.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 5 Jun
@thebobbieoliver Woa, you think Roseanne is crazy? Those are fighting' words where I come from.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 5 Jun
So drunk, got tattoo,friends paid to remove t. Sober. Gladly paid my friends the $1,000 for tattoo and removal. You can't tell it was there,
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 4 Jun
They have a remote helicopter that can be controlled by thought. I fear for rooftop sunbathers.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 4 Jun
Finnish children traditionally sleep in boxes. I know it prepared me for homelessness.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 4 Jun
As Twitter shows the horrors of police attacks on demonstrators, I take back at least a third of the nasty things I said about Twitter.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 4 Jun
My ginseng tea instructions are in Korean. I understand open bag, heat water, insert bag in water. The other three steps are beyond me.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 4 Jun
I will always remember Deacon Jones for his most famous tackle, that of Sirhan Sirhan.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 4 Jun
@thebobbieoliver Happy birthday to the most talented, birthday spanking loving performer ever. (You are Angie Jolie, right?)
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 4 Jun
I can't believe "Game of Thrones" killed off Lady Sybil.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Jun
A zombie who ate his own head and then the head ate its way through the skin exposed at the stomach. #WhyIDontDesignCharacters
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Jun
I hate to make jokes when there are victims. But when a crime is that unusual, jokes happen. Prostitute gangs is such a weird prospect
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Jun
Miami socialite claims she was attacked by ten prostitutes. Maybe the prostitutes just got the wrong address.
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5:00 PM - 3 Jun 13 · Details
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Jun
@MmeSurly @YinComedy Wait, there are sex tapes with men in them? What a weird concept. I have never seen such a thing.
 View conversation
 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Jun
@thebobbieoliver @SallyMullins1 Hoes before bros. Exactly. Who lives in this weird world where that is reversed?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Jun
@Mirandagcsr Thank you for favoring a tweet. It had been abandoned by its mother and appreciates the recognition.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Jun
The secret of Catherine Zeta Jones and her conspiracy to slowly kill a celebrity.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Jun
@thebobbieoliver If I stabbed everyone who didn't say back I am funny, I would be listed as our nation's greatest serial killer.
 View conversation
 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Jun
"Belgian style beer" means this is U.S. beer that tastes like numerous Belgians pissed into the bottle..
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1 Jun
Some women become aroused during horror films. That is why I went into comedy: my faces frightens women.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1 Jun
More members of Congress died on trains that on airplanes. Yet another reason to support funding for Amtrak.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1 Jun
@thebobbieoliver Would I also be white trash drinking moonshine totally nekid in some strangers front lawn?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1 Jun
@Cheeseboy22 Thank you for the favorite. Mother always liked another tweet better.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 30 May
Warning: All those cicada husks will soon turn into cicada zombies.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 30 May
@geneweingarten I never disbelieve anything until I see it in the New York Post or the Washington TImes.
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I Am Wearing a Tweet Suit

@thebobbieoliver Happy birthday to the most talented, birthday spanking loving performer ever. (You are Angie Jolie, right?)
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 7h
I can't believe "Game of Thrones" killed off Lady Sybil.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 19h
A zombie who ate his own head and then the head ate its way through the skin exposed at the stomach. #WhyIDontDesignCharacters
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 20h
I hate to make jokes when there are victims. But when a crime is that unusual, jokes happen. Prostitute gangs is such a weird prospect
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 20h
Miami socialite claims she was attacked by ten prostitutes. Maybe the prostitutes just got the wrong address.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 20h
@MmeSurly @YinComedy Wait, there are sex tapes with men in them? What a weird concept. I have never seen such a thing.
 View conversation
 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23h
@thebobbieoliver @SallyMullins1 Hoes before bros. Exactly. Who lives in this weird world where that is reversed?
 View conversation
 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23h
@Mirandagcsr Thank you for favoring a tweet. It had been abandoned by its mother and appreciates the recognition.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Jun
The secret of Catherine Zeta Jones and her conspiracy to slowly kill a celebrity.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Jun
@thebobbieoliver If I stabbed everyone who didn't say back I am funny, I would be listed as our nation's greatest serial killer.
 View conversation
 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Jun
"Belgian style beer" means this is U.S. beer that tastes like numerous Belgians pissed into the bottle..
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1 Jun
Some women become aroused during horror films. That is why I went into comedy: my faces frightens women.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1 Jun
More members of Congress died on trains that on airplanes. Yet another reason to support funding for Amtrak.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1 Jun
@thebobbieoliver Would I also be white trash drinking moonshine totally nekid in some strangers front lawn?
 View conversation
 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1 Jun
@Cheeseboy22 Thank you for the favorite. Mother always liked another tweet better.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 30 May
Warning: All those cicada husks will soon turn into cicada zombies.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 30 May
@geneweingarten I never disbelieve anything until I see it in the New York Post or the Washington TImes.
 View conversation
 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 30 May
@Cheeseboy22 @thebobbieoliver I always knew the Full House baby was two babies. Of course, back then, I saw two of all the characters.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 30 May
@MonicaHesse "Stray" is being shipped early! That way it can go astray much faster and be lost in multiple places before reaching me.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 30 May
@geneweingarten I tweeted how I pooped in a bathtub and I lost 16 followers.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
I will miss Michelle Bachmann in politics. Who else cared to remember John Wayne Gacy's birthday?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
Where I grew up. we didn't jaywalk. We owned the street and cars car-walked around us.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
"Is Megan Draper Sharon Tate?" Please let this be the most controversial thing to deal with today....
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
Right when I promise myself to lay off Weiner, he tweets things are "too wet" for him. Please, stop being such an easy target...
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
Wow, the Justice Department got Jimmy Fallon as their new press representative.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
Instead of spending deporting 11 million illegals, how about we randomly reward 11 million legal residents with free airfare to any country?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
I am writing the ultimate book to read at a beach: "The Serial Killer of People Reading on the Beaches".Cover in white for the season. .
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
I am reading "The Science of Hitting" by Ted Williams. I don't like the new introduction by Chris Brown.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
I don't like violence jokes, but making fun of the violator is OK, in my opinion. You have a problem with that, though guy, huh, huh?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
@geneweingarten Here is that Betty Ross whore flag we shall use.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
Beaver kills man in Belarus. Here, they just take half of everything you own.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
@MonicaHesse The proper use of the apostrophe became less relevant as students began being named Sh'aqu'a and Kevi'in'al.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
@thebobbieoliver Sorry, wrong Bobbie Oliver. I was so hoping for the hilarious sequel "Work in East Australia.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
@petridishes FYI, you do know "Heart Attack Cafe" has a sandwich with 16 pieces of bacon? If not, you know now.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
I remember back when Beyonce liked to have her butt slapped.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
@thebobbieoliver I read your book, and I must state for the record that "Work in West Australia" is a laugh riot.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
@petridishes I would be glad to pay you to write me a poem. Could it be about the human condition, world peace, and light sabers?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
@petridishes Sorry, they don't teach English at Wharton. The only language they teach us there is money.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
@petridishes You do realize that stating that a guy ran off before you could give him what he paid you for is not helping your mother relax.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
@petridishes Your mother is so proud that you sold your talents on the Vegas strip for $11.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
We need a show that concentrates on providing facts and perspectives on issues. Then we must pretend to the network its a reality show.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
We need a bipartisan coalition consisting of Bush and Weiner, working together to give birth to new creations.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
@geneweingarten If you run over someone texting while driving, chances are good the driver behind you also texts and will think s/he did it.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
Weiner is out front. What? You think that's bad? Have you seen the New York Post headlines? They beat my Weiner jokes all the time.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
@petridishes Facebook is like a toilet because they are both full of crap and you feel much better when you get off it.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
Why do women wear crosses to bed? Do they fear I'm a vampire?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
Aw, Chris Christie won Barack Obama a stuffed bear. I hope Obama gives Christie a promise ring.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
@MonicaHesse The friends I have, they most want to see where Wilbur Mills jumped into the fountain.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
Yeah! I learned I was #5 in the Washington City Paper, Someday I hope to learn what that means.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
Wpw, I was totally shocked in "Arrested Development" when Kristin Shepard kills Lady Sybil.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
Asked to write an author endorsement on a book back page. Do you think this is enough: "She is not a natural blonde?"
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
Who was it that looked at the wheel and medicine and determined that sliced bread was the greatest invention?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
Before sliced bread, the greatest invention was "eat it whole" bread.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
Putting wheels on luggage was the greatest "duh" breakthrough since sliced bread.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 May
It is official. I could never win a Republican nomination for any office.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 May
My fear is when they do the Broadway version of my friends, an aged Lindsay Lohan will portray me.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 May
Why do some Saudis prohibit women from air conditioning? What possible religious horror could result from that?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 May
@Ninfausao Thank you for the favorite. Gene Weingarten will appreciate that a fart joke is my most popular joke.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 May
Alan Cummings is fantastic portraying a person hospitalized with intellectual disabilities. Of course, no idea what he's rattling on about.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 May
Probably every Republican nominee for President in history would be unable to be nominated as the  Republican Presidential nominee in 2016.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 May
This is my lucky month. Now I found a perfectly good roll of masking tape in West Hollywood.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 May
@geneweingarten I think you're important, and from this one person's perspective that doesn't count for a hill of beans, that's what counts.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 May
Back from New York City. Found a perfectly good bong someone threw from a window.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 May
@geneweingarten So, then how many Pulitzers and newspapers do you need to be syndicated in before you are important?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
A Pittsburgh Judge had a nose for evidence, as he personally analyzed cocaine evidence a bit too closely.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
You will find me on Broadway soon, and on 7th Avenue, and Avenue of the Americas...
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
Angels versus Dodgers. I hope there are no traffic jams. (This joke works only on people who have lived in LA.)
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
Remember, Big Foot, the Loch Ness monster, and NBC comedies are all myths.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
I wonder why the Gallup Poll survey person needed my credit card number?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
If you favor my tweets, Bill Gates may or many not give one random tweet favorer a million dollars.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
@MonicaHesse Ask not for which crazy woman at the bus stop the bells toll, they toll for you.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
Great Moment in History: Wendell Willkie tried to use a submachine gun to shoot an apple off someone's head while drunk in the Kremlin.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
The next level: Record child conversations and present adult actors mouthing the conversations.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
@geneweingarten You are the exception, yet perhaps the exception that proves the rule, As if disproving a hypothesis helps prove it.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
Richard Simmons is back with "Sweatin' with the Oldies", only now the "oldies" is Simmons himself.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
I guess when Jerry Lewis appeared on the Carol Burnett Show, it was because he liked Tim Conway and Harvey Korman.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
Jerry Lewis states women are not funny, except before Parisian audiences.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
Obama announces he is going off-script. In fact, his singing the rest of his speech is quite good.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
Comics, feel free to borrow my material. Just return it in the condition you found it and tell me how badly you bombed with it.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
It is good to come clean (not a pun) Weiner warns more photos may come from more women At what point will we bore of seeing Weiner's wiener?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
Welcome a record 24 new followers. I presume you all took a wrong turn, but welcome to the madness. Ignore the dead bodies and Groucho mask.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
You who favorite one of my tweets, then follow me, and then un-follow me, well, I guess you'll never see this, you rat bastards,
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Seriously, Hillary in 2016. She has been demonized so much already, nothing any more sticks, Sorry, Ted Cruz, Hillary may be in charge next.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Hey, if I finally lose my virginity to a Hillary staffer mad because her husband sexted photos of his penis, I could live with that.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
I still will always regret not taking that photo of Bill with the hooker, Sorry, Terry, but one has to dream now and then,
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Wow, Terry, you have taken the lead, finally. I guess people want their privacies after all. Oral Sexers for Terry for Governor!
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Terry: I hope Hillary becomes the next President. She would be the fist President I'd ever want for reasons best not admitted to in public.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Although, Terry, you may have to explain the proper uses of cigars. What was it Bill told us?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
If everyone in Virginia who ever engaged in oral sex (not that I might know) voted for their reality, Terry wins in a landslide.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
This is the 21st century: Forget the taxes on tea. Protest the penalties on marijuana: a natural non-physically addictive pain killer.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
I went to a tea party re-enactment where tea was thrown into the water in honor of 18th century patriots. History is lost on our youth.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Virginia Republicans have nominated a Tea Party ticket. You know, I went to a Tea Party rally, and not one person had any tea.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
I am not gay and I don't smoke pot, but i believe both should be legal. Why are we debating whether oral sex should be legal? #19thcentury
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
We need a Peace and Freedom Party on the East Coat, Why should the West Coast have all the Roseanne Barr fun?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
I voted and the poll staff assumed I am Republican. That must have been the first time I ever dressed well enough to be confused for an R,
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
I wonder in how many "buddy movies" the two "buddy" actors hated each other in real life?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Over 70% of political ads are negative ads. We do need more positive messages, yet that's not the job for comics. Sorry, Ted Cruz,
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Never judge a woman by her looks, and, actually, you probably really, really don't want to find out what all that stuff inside her really is
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7:43 PM - 22 May 13 · Details
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Remember, 88% of people who are homeless also avoided military service.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Pleasure and pain can be intertwined, but humor should never hurt.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
It is time to change your meds if you are wondering if the carpet was ruined by your dog, your car, or you.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
My neighbors throw away stuff that is better than what I buy.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
@GovernorThomasCorbett You can't find a single Latino to work for you? Have you tried driving a van into migrant labor camps?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Note the many 70s comedies with rape jokes. Surprised so many thought rape was funny. Sort of like how so many think it is funny today.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
If Butts bottoms out trying to be Mayor, can Weiner rise to the occasion?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Papenuse as expected kicked Butts yesterday.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
Political rule: If your name is "Butts", do not make fun of the name "Papenfus". You won't win that one.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
Prediction is Lewis Butts is now way behind in this race. I don't know,I'd like to see more Butts votes.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
Memo to all political candidates: Avoid getting arrested defacing your opponent's signs the day before an election.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
I await the first election returns reporter, instead of saying "Lewis Butts", to say "Seymour Butts".
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
@Nadahdzi Thank you for the favorite. That was fast becoming a favorite. I appreciate it.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
To the Canadian traveler who left a monkey behind in the Munich airport: sorry, it's not yours anymore.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
@ABCNews Details, details, do they really matter?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
I tell you, how this Administration treats the press is just criminal.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
I hate when my jokes approach reality. Turns out Lewis Butts defaced the Papunfus signs to Papenpus. Changing them to Butts would be funnier
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
I wonder if Jim Morrison will turn up at the funeral.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 20 May
Oh, "Fast Proudly". That's different.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 19 May
Ben Franklin claimed his "fart proudly" was a typo. What did he mean to say? Fist proudly?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 May
Every time I am near death and go to the emergency room, I feel better by the time I get there so I cancel going there.
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