I Am Wearing a Tweet Suit

@thebobbieoliver Happy birthday to the most talented, birthday spanking loving performer ever. (You are Angie Jolie, right?)
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 7h
I can't believe "Game of Thrones" killed off Lady Sybil.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 19h
A zombie who ate his own head and then the head ate its way through the skin exposed at the stomach. #WhyIDontDesignCharacters
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 20h
I hate to make jokes when there are victims. But when a crime is that unusual, jokes happen. Prostitute gangs is such a weird prospect
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 20h
Miami socialite claims she was attacked by ten prostitutes. Maybe the prostitutes just got the wrong address.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 20h
@MmeSurly @YinComedy Wait, there are sex tapes with men in them? What a weird concept. I have never seen such a thing.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23h
@thebobbieoliver @SallyMullins1 Hoes before bros. Exactly. Who lives in this weird world where that is reversed?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23h
@Mirandagcsr Thank you for favoring a tweet. It had been abandoned by its mother and appreciates the recognition.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Jun
The secret of Catherine Zeta Jones and her conspiracy to slowly kill a celebrity.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Jun
@thebobbieoliver If I stabbed everyone who didn't say back I am funny, I would be listed as our nation's greatest serial killer.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3 Jun
"Belgian style beer" means this is U.S. beer that tastes like numerous Belgians pissed into the bottle..
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1 Jun
Some women become aroused during horror films. That is why I went into comedy: my faces frightens women.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1 Jun
More members of Congress died on trains that on airplanes. Yet another reason to support funding for Amtrak.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1 Jun
@thebobbieoliver Would I also be white trash drinking moonshine totally nekid in some strangers front lawn?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1 Jun
@Cheeseboy22 Thank you for the favorite. Mother always liked another tweet better.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 30 May
Warning: All those cicada husks will soon turn into cicada zombies.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 30 May
@geneweingarten I never disbelieve anything until I see it in the New York Post or the Washington TImes.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 30 May
@Cheeseboy22 @thebobbieoliver I always knew the Full House baby was two babies. Of course, back then, I saw two of all the characters.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 30 May
@MonicaHesse "Stray" is being shipped early! That way it can go astray much faster and be lost in multiple places before reaching me.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 30 May
@geneweingarten I tweeted how I pooped in a bathtub and I lost 16 followers.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
I will miss Michelle Bachmann in politics. Who else cared to remember John Wayne Gacy's birthday?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
Where I grew up. we didn't jaywalk. We owned the street and cars car-walked around us.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
"Is Megan Draper Sharon Tate?" Please let this be the most controversial thing to deal with today....
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
Right when I promise myself to lay off Weiner, he tweets things are "too wet" for him. Please, stop being such an easy target...
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
Wow, the Justice Department got Jimmy Fallon as their new press representative.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
Instead of spending deporting 11 million illegals, how about we randomly reward 11 million legal residents with free airfare to any country?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
I am writing the ultimate book to read at a beach: "The Serial Killer of People Reading on the Beaches".Cover in white for the season. .
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
I am reading "The Science of Hitting" by Ted Williams. I don't like the new introduction by Chris Brown.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
I don't like violence jokes, but making fun of the violator is OK, in my opinion. You have a problem with that, though guy, huh, huh?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
@geneweingarten Here is that Betty Ross whore flag we shall use.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
Beaver kills man in Belarus. Here, they just take half of everything you own.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
@MonicaHesse The proper use of the apostrophe became less relevant as students began being named Sh'aqu'a and Kevi'in'al.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 May
@thebobbieoliver Sorry, wrong Bobbie Oliver. I was so hoping for the hilarious sequel "Work in East Australia.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
@petridishes FYI, you do know "Heart Attack Cafe" has a sandwich with 16 pieces of bacon? If not, you know now.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
I remember back when Beyonce liked to have her butt slapped.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
@thebobbieoliver I read your book, and I must state for the record that "Work in West Australia" is a laugh riot.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
@petridishes I would be glad to pay you to write me a poem. Could it be about the human condition, world peace, and light sabers?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
@petridishes Sorry, they don't teach English at Wharton. The only language they teach us there is money.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
@petridishes You do realize that stating that a guy ran off before you could give him what he paid you for is not helping your mother relax.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
@petridishes Your mother is so proud that you sold your talents on the Vegas strip for $11.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
We need a show that concentrates on providing facts and perspectives on issues. Then we must pretend to the network its a reality show.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
We need a bipartisan coalition consisting of Bush and Weiner, working together to give birth to new creations.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
@geneweingarten If you run over someone texting while driving, chances are good the driver behind you also texts and will think s/he did it.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
Weiner is out front. What? You think that's bad? Have you seen the New York Post headlines? They beat my Weiner jokes all the time.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
@petridishes Facebook is like a toilet because they are both full of crap and you feel much better when you get off it.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
Why do women wear crosses to bed? Do they fear I'm a vampire?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
Aw, Chris Christie won Barack Obama a stuffed bear. I hope Obama gives Christie a promise ring.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
@MonicaHesse The friends I have, they most want to see where Wilbur Mills jumped into the fountain.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
Yeah! I learned I was #5 in the Washington City Paper, Someday I hope to learn what that means.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
Wpw, I was totally shocked in "Arrested Development" when Kristin Shepard kills Lady Sybil.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
Asked to write an author endorsement on a book back page. Do you think this is enough: "She is not a natural blonde?"
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
Who was it that looked at the wheel and medicine and determined that sliced bread was the greatest invention?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
Before sliced bread, the greatest invention was "eat it whole" bread.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 May
Putting wheels on luggage was the greatest "duh" breakthrough since sliced bread.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 May
It is official. I could never win a Republican nomination for any office.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 May
My fear is when they do the Broadway version of my friends, an aged Lindsay Lohan will portray me.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 May
Why do some Saudis prohibit women from air conditioning? What possible religious horror could result from that?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 May
@Ninfausao Thank you for the favorite. Gene Weingarten will appreciate that a fart joke is my most popular joke.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 May
Alan Cummings is fantastic portraying a person hospitalized with intellectual disabilities. Of course, no idea what he's rattling on about.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 May
Probably every Republican nominee for President in history would be unable to be nominated as the  Republican Presidential nominee in 2016.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 May
This is my lucky month. Now I found a perfectly good roll of masking tape in West Hollywood.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 May
@geneweingarten I think you're important, and from this one person's perspective that doesn't count for a hill of beans, that's what counts.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 May
Back from New York City. Found a perfectly good bong someone threw from a window.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 May
@geneweingarten So, then how many Pulitzers and newspapers do you need to be syndicated in before you are important?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
A Pittsburgh Judge had a nose for evidence, as he personally analyzed cocaine evidence a bit too closely.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
You will find me on Broadway soon, and on 7th Avenue, and Avenue of the Americas...
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
Angels versus Dodgers. I hope there are no traffic jams. (This joke works only on people who have lived in LA.)
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
Remember, Big Foot, the Loch Ness monster, and NBC comedies are all myths.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
I wonder why the Gallup Poll survey person needed my credit card number?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
If you favor my tweets, Bill Gates may or many not give one random tweet favorer a million dollars.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
@MonicaHesse Ask not for which crazy woman at the bus stop the bells toll, they toll for you.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
Great Moment in History: Wendell Willkie tried to use a submachine gun to shoot an apple off someone's head while drunk in the Kremlin.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
The next level: Record child conversations and present adult actors mouthing the conversations.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
@geneweingarten You are the exception, yet perhaps the exception that proves the rule, As if disproving a hypothesis helps prove it.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
Richard Simmons is back with "Sweatin' with the Oldies", only now the "oldies" is Simmons himself.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
I guess when Jerry Lewis appeared on the Carol Burnett Show, it was because he liked Tim Conway and Harvey Korman.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
Jerry Lewis states women are not funny, except before Parisian audiences.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
Obama announces he is going off-script. In fact, his singing the rest of his speech is quite good.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
Comics, feel free to borrow my material. Just return it in the condition you found it and tell me how badly you bombed with it.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
It is good to come clean (not a pun) Weiner warns more photos may come from more women At what point will we bore of seeing Weiner's wiener?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
Welcome a record 24 new followers. I presume you all took a wrong turn, but welcome to the madness. Ignore the dead bodies and Groucho mask.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 May
You who favorite one of my tweets, then follow me, and then un-follow me, well, I guess you'll never see this, you rat bastards,
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Seriously, Hillary in 2016. She has been demonized so much already, nothing any more sticks, Sorry, Ted Cruz, Hillary may be in charge next.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Hey, if I finally lose my virginity to a Hillary staffer mad because her husband sexted photos of his penis, I could live with that.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
I still will always regret not taking that photo of Bill with the hooker, Sorry, Terry, but one has to dream now and then,
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Wow, Terry, you have taken the lead, finally. I guess people want their privacies after all. Oral Sexers for Terry for Governor!
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Terry: I hope Hillary becomes the next President. She would be the fist President I'd ever want for reasons best not admitted to in public.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Although, Terry, you may have to explain the proper uses of cigars. What was it Bill told us?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
If everyone in Virginia who ever engaged in oral sex (not that I might know) voted for their reality, Terry wins in a landslide.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
This is the 21st century: Forget the taxes on tea. Protest the penalties on marijuana: a natural non-physically addictive pain killer.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
I went to a tea party re-enactment where tea was thrown into the water in honor of 18th century patriots. History is lost on our youth.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Virginia Republicans have nominated a Tea Party ticket. You know, I went to a Tea Party rally, and not one person had any tea.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
I am not gay and I don't smoke pot, but i believe both should be legal. Why are we debating whether oral sex should be legal? #19thcentury
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
We need a Peace and Freedom Party on the East Coat, Why should the West Coast have all the Roseanne Barr fun?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
I voted and the poll staff assumed I am Republican. That must have been the first time I ever dressed well enough to be confused for an R,
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
I wonder in how many "buddy movies" the two "buddy" actors hated each other in real life?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Over 70% of political ads are negative ads. We do need more positive messages, yet that's not the job for comics. Sorry, Ted Cruz,
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Never judge a woman by her looks, and, actually, you probably really, really don't want to find out what all that stuff inside her really is
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7:43 PM - 22 May 13 · Details
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Remember, 88% of people who are homeless also avoided military service.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Pleasure and pain can be intertwined, but humor should never hurt.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
It is time to change your meds if you are wondering if the carpet was ruined by your dog, your car, or you.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
My neighbors throw away stuff that is better than what I buy.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
@GovernorThomasCorbett You can't find a single Latino to work for you? Have you tried driving a van into migrant labor camps?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Note the many 70s comedies with rape jokes. Surprised so many thought rape was funny. Sort of like how so many think it is funny today.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
If Butts bottoms out trying to be Mayor, can Weiner rise to the occasion?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 May
Papenuse as expected kicked Butts yesterday.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
Political rule: If your name is "Butts", do not make fun of the name "Papenfus". You won't win that one.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
Prediction is Lewis Butts is now way behind in this race. I don't know,I'd like to see more Butts votes.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
Memo to all political candidates: Avoid getting arrested defacing your opponent's signs the day before an election.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
I await the first election returns reporter, instead of saying "Lewis Butts", to say "Seymour Butts".
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
@Nadahdzi Thank you for the favorite. That was fast becoming a favorite. I appreciate it.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
To the Canadian traveler who left a monkey behind in the Munich airport: sorry, it's not yours anymore.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
@ABCNews Details, details, do they really matter?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
I tell you, how this Administration treats the press is just criminal.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
I hate when my jokes approach reality. Turns out Lewis Butts defaced the Papunfus signs to Papenpus. Changing them to Butts would be funnier
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 May
I wonder if Jim Morrison will turn up at the funeral.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 20 May
Oh, "Fast Proudly". That's different.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 19 May
Ben Franklin claimed his "fart proudly" was a typo. What did he mean to say? Fist proudly?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 May
Every time I am near death and go to the emergency room, I feel better by the time I get there so I cancel going there.
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