When You Are Phoning in the Sex...

My girlfriend wants us to have phone sex. I am willing to adjust to her desires, but, how is she going to know the phone sex worked: in the morning, she takes DNA samples off the phone? How does this work? “Hello, phone, you’re looking nice tonight. Want me to ring your tones?” Is this even legal? Do I need consent from the phone beforehand? I can’t even figure out how this works. I can see how she could do it, but that just seems wrong. One should never put anything into your body that is capable of two way instantaneous aural communications. Who would want to be on the other end of that conversation? “Hello, I can’t make up what you’re saying. Can you hear me now?” That’s my rule, and I’m sticking to it.

Also, Warren Beatty: you did not have sex with 12,775 women. You had sex with 12,774 women and my Uncle Bob. To be fair, Bob hid it well.

The Smell of Old Age, and What Is That Smell?

My problem with love is I grew up with a misunderstood idea what it was. I thought, when people used the word “heart”, they were saying the word “fart.” Which I why I could never understand why people would say things like “I love you with all my fart.” “You’re breaking my fart.” “I give you all my fart.” “I fart New York.”

Forgetting where your keys are is a sign of forgetfulness. Looking at keys and not knowing what they are used for is a sign of Alzheimers. Looking at your keys and trying to remember when you bought a Cadillac is a sign you drink too much.