Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: Have You Heard the Word? The Tweeting Bird is the Word

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Have You Heard the Word? The Tweeting Bird is the Word

"All My Children", aka "and all my great grand children" retires.
about 6 hours ago via web
Delete . "One Life to Live" has used its one life.
about 6 hours ago via web
Delete . New York state government seeks to reduce costs of executions. It would be cheaper to contract the work to organized crime.
about 23 hours ago via web
Delete . On serious side, I hope Charlie Sheen is receiving the help he needs, obtains sobriety, and is a better person. He has talent & needs hope.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011 5:29:02 PM via web
Delete . If you unaware that it was it is uncool to appear at work drunk and demand the boss be fired, you might be Charlie Sheen.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011 5:25:44 PM via web
Delete . Memo to Jim Carrey: This is what happens when you fail to tip your barber.
Monday, April 11, 2011 4:09:44 PM via web
Delete . #yokoQandA What are some things that make you happy?
Friday, April 08, 2011 10:03:09 AM via web
Delete . If Charlie Sheen were with the Mets. he would be buying the rights to "Losing!"
Friday, April 08, 2011 10:01:09 AM via web
Delete . From China: "Thank you for informing us of product defect. The defect has been corrected and the plant manager has been executed."
Wednesday, April 06, 2011 4:06:17 PM via web
Delete . I am a jazz star from Neptune. Can I trademark that expression?
Wednesday, April 06, 2011 9:28:33 AM via web
Delete . Bronx zoo cobra swap with twin a success. Freedom!
Tuesday, April 05, 2011 8:51:49 AM via web
Delete . My condolence to fans of Jackie Chan for your momentarily loss when it was incorrectly announced he had died.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011 2:00:40 PM via web
Delete . LA Times: a cyber attack could make LA water undrinkable in one day. As opposed to what it is now?
Monday, March 28, 2011 1:43:25 PM via web
Delete . The New York Mets: winning 40 or more games every season since 1962.
Monday, March 28, 2011 8:58:37 AM via web
Delete . Anyone else waiting for the news of a cobra bite in a New York area fraternity?
Monday, March 28, 2011 8:57:55 AM via web
Delete . When the flying car goes on sale, I wonder how long it will take for the first DUI and driving while flying case occurs?
Thursday, March 24, 2011 4:13:06 PM via web
Delete . Rand Paul and Ron Paul both may run for President. This will be first time father and son both ran for President since Reagan vs. Mondale.
Thursday, March 24, 2011 4:10:25 PM via web
Delete . The failure of the Bay of Pigs invasion that hoped for a public uprising against Castro: they did not have Facebook back then.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011 11:08:20 AM via web
Delete . Of all the spellings of the Libyan leader's name, I have learned "Gladyappy" is not an acceptable spelling.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011 9:48:31 AM via web
Delete . "a" has 25,270,000,000 Google hits. "The" also has 25,270,000 Google hits. First person to write without "a" or "the" breaks the tie.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011 7:22:58 AM via web
Delete . Beatles: 87,200,000 Google hits. "Jesus Christ:" 1,860,000 Google hits. Maybe John Lennon was right all along? #yokoQandA
Monday, March 21, 2011 6:05:16 PM via web
Delete . Sammy Hagar was abducted by aliens. I can see why they gave him back.
Monday, March 21, 2011 6:00:31 PM via web
Delete . "Michael Jackson": 135,00,000 Google hits. "Jesus Christ:" 1,860,000 Google hits.
Monday, March 21, 2011 8:47:17 AM via web
Delete . "May the road rise up to meet ye. May the wind be at your back." Yeah, they didn't work out so well in Japan.
Thursday, March 17, 2011 9:49:50 AM via web
Delete . Drank the worm on the bottom of the bottle. Ah, cola is supposed to have a worm in it, right?
Thursday, March 17, 2011 8:25:53 AM via web
Delete . Jesus was asked 200 questions yet only answered 3 of them. Today, that would definitely deny you tenure.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011 1:31:45 PM via web
Delete . I wonder if Gilbert Gottfried's career had Aflac insurance.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011 9:08:00 AM via web
Delete . @geneweingarten Gene, are you as beautiful as you are in your Twitter photograph?
Thursday, March 10, 2011 4:29:41 PM via web in reply to geneweingarten

Delete . I am open to product placement deals in my Tweets. Well, off to have some refreshing (product to be named later).
Thursday, March 10, 2011 9:33:28 AM via web
Delete . The good thing for non-Catholics: they can eat all the leftover fasnachts.
Wednesday, March 09, 2011 9:07:21 AM via web
Delete . 30 years ago, ketchup was declared a vegetable. I never knew that: I thought it was a meat byproduct.
Wednesday, March 09, 2011 8:21:48 AM via web
Delete . Huh? washingtonpost One of the world's ugliest creatures apparently never ever gets cancer:
Tuesday, March 08, 2011 12:27:47 PM via web
Delete . Oh, please, let this all be an elaborate publicity stunt for "Two and a Half Men".
Tuesday, March 08, 2011 11:04:24 AM via web
Delete . If DNA shows I have tigers blood, does that mean Charlie Sheen is my father?
Monday, March 07, 2011 4:48:16 PM via web
Delete . Why do we assume UFOs are coming to research humans? I think fish, trees, and armadillos would be far more interesting.
Monday, March 07, 2011 9:32:13 AM via web
Delete . Who will be deposed first as the ruler of his kingdom: Gaddafi or Charlie Sheen?
Thursday, March 03, 2011 9:08:46 AM via web
Delete . We need to understand people with mental difficulties and addictions and realize they need support and time. Although, the jokes are funny..
Thursday, March 03, 2011 9:07:19 AM via web
Delete . My TV series concept about a group of brilliant TV show critics may not get good ratings, but it will get great reviews.
Wednesday, March 02, 2011 9:53:20 AM via web
Delete . Is there any possibility of a cast album of the play "Lennon" being released? Also, has anyone ever recorded the song "India"? #yokoQandA
Friday, February 25, 2011 4:37:46 PM via web
Delete . @CharlieSheen You know you are in trouble when you sound worse sober than when you are drunk.
Friday, February 25, 2011 8:36:37 AM via web
Delete . My staff wants me to resign my seat in Congress. I keep telling them: I am not a member of Congress.
Friday, February 25, 2011 8:33:01 AM via web
Delete . It does not bother me that "Hitler" is following me. It bothers me that I am one of only seven people he is following.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011 10:08:46 AM via web
Delete . Good news is the doctor says the leg can be saved. Bad news is the rest of me has to go.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011 4:53:12 PM via web
Delete . What can one do to make life more beautiful? #yokoQandA
Tuesday, February 08, 2011 11:06:25 AM via web
Delete . Mick Jagger is 67 today, and he wishes to remind everyone not to trust anyone over age 70.
Friday, February 04, 2011 11:10:44 AM via web
Delete . I believe all are connected and how we thinks affects how others behave. Would you please add a thought for peace? #yokoQandA
Friday, February 04, 2011 10:05:55 AM via web
Delete . Rough dentist appointment. I may have disclosed location of a sleeper cell.
Friday, February 04, 2011 9:58:12 AM via web
Delete . @Molly23 Did you know "B.C." postdates modern society? Those modern references are historical, not ironic.
Wednesday, February 02, 2011 11:55:03 AM via web
Delete . And when the groundhog can't dig his way through the ice, it seems a long winter is still ahead.
Wednesday, February 02, 2011 11:37:38 AM via web
Delete . Forget Jim Carney, I want to see Jim Carrey as White House Press Secretary.
Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:19:18 PM via web
Delete . Taylor Swift sad she broke up with Jake Gyllenhaal, but glad because she will get a new song out of it.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011 10:57:39 AM via web
Delete . Scientists warn superstorm could destroy much of California. That and the midseason replacement TV shows.
Monday, January 17, 2011 4:26:07 PM via web
Delete . Brett Favre is retiring. Wait, I already tweeted this last year.
Monday, January 17, 2011 4:23:45 PM via web
Delete . It is snowing? Singing "I'm dreaming of a white Martin Luther King Day" can get someone in trouble.
Monday, January 17, 2011 10:41:54 AM via web
Delete . Study show 99% of pregnant women contain harmful chemicals. Avoid pregnant women at all costs.
Friday, January 14, 2011 10:23:07 AM via web
Delete . If you could say something positive to someone in emotional pain, what would you say? #yokoQandA
Friday, January 14, 2011 9:37:02 AM via web
Delete . Yes, stars moved two astrological signs over 2,000 years. So your fake futures are the wrong fake ones. That's life, not.
Friday, January 14, 2011 9:32:31 AM via web
Delete . Happy birthday to Wikipedia, where I learned that John Siegenthaler assassinated President Kennedy.
Thursday, January 13, 2011 6:08:30 PM via web
Delete . Remember being told as a kid while licking ice cream bowl that someone I would make a woman very happy. Years later, realized what it meant
Thursday, January 13, 2011 3:59:40 PM via web
Delete . People who are against increased civility should be flogged.
Thursday, January 13, 2011 12:28:26 PM via web
Delete . Fan at game next to me holding sign reading "Ezekile 23: 19-20". I am worried.
Thursday, January 13, 2011 10:59:33 AM via web
Delete . Is it more embarassing to have it known you are suing a penis enhancement company, or that the case is sent to small claims courts?
Wednesday, January 12, 2011 10:36:31 AM via web
Delete . San Francisco announces opening of first gay museum. They obviously have never been to a museum before.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011 10:34:49 AM via web
Delete . @SarahKSilverman You give a child what you can. The rule for all parents to remember: whatever you do, it will be wrong.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011 9:19:19 AM via web in reply to SarahKSilverman

Delete . Dear Justin Bieber fans. we are not dating, please cease death threats. Thank you.
Thursday, January 06, 2011 1:37:24 PM via web
Delete . Shazaam, the freaking Pennsylvania State Police will no longer arrest people for yelling fluffing obscenities.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011 5:06:43 PM via web
Delete . To the person who wrote stating that my tweets saved his life, thank you for being my imaginary friend.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011 9:17:35 AM via web
Delete . Our condolenses to fans of Avril Lavigne, whose false reported death may have made her the first celebrity in 2011 to not be dead afterall.
Sunday, January 02, 2011 12:12:00 PM via web
Delete . And a shout out to my close, personal friends Nancy Irish, Annie Shepard, and Maria Cuenca Alonso. Wassup?
Sunday, January 02, 2011 12:05:08 PM via web
Delete . Of course, as long as famous composer Andrew Carroll is following me, then life is good.
Sunday, January 02, 2011 12:02:50 PM via web
Delete . Wow, football star Matthew Hatchette followed me for less than a day. I feel honored, sort of.
Sunday, January 02, 2011 12:00:53 PM via web
Delete . @SethMacFarlane You think you have it bad? I'm still writing 2009 on my checks.
Saturday, January 01, 2011 6:08:06 PM via web in reply to SethMacFarlane

Delete . I was going to wish everyone a happy 1-1-11 at 11:11, but I don't feel like staying up that late.
Saturday, January 01, 2011 6:06:59 PM via web
Delete . I have learned that most Florida Gator fans have no idea what a Gator is.
Saturday, January 01, 2011 10:34:59 AM via web
Delete . I have learned that most Penn State Nittany Lion fans have no idea what a Nittany is.
Saturday, January 01, 2011 10:33:48 AM via web
Delete . In Pittsburgh, they put their whiskey shots right into their Four Lockos.
Saturday, January 01, 2011 10:31:44 AM via web
Delete . I'll order the kosher ham and cheese sandwich.
Saturday, January 01, 2011 10:29:19 AM via web
Delete . I wonder if I can find Georgia style lox and bagels?
Saturday, January 01, 2011 10:25:15 AM via web
Delete . Saw an "authentic New Jersey sandwich" store in Georgia. Huh? Even in New Jersey there are no authentic New Jersey sandwiches.
Saturday, January 01, 2011 10:19:37 AM via web
Delete . #yokoQandA Why do people want to deny the ability of others to be happy? Thank you for supporting gay marriage.
Friday, December 31, 2010 10:45:02 AM via web
Delete . Inn a dyslexic world, God would have tortured Michael Vick.
Thursday, December 30, 2010 3:24:18 PM via web
Delete . Remind me to cancel that Michael Vick jersey I ordered for Tucker Carlson.
Thursday, December 30, 2010 3:07:32 PM via web
Delete . It is too early for 2011, I am still writing 2009 on my checks.
Thursday, December 30, 2010 3:05:56 PM via web
Delete . Remembering Adam Sandler, Aretha Franklin, and other celebrities whose deaths this past year were reported in error.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010 1:19:19 PM via web
Delete . Time for a new Danny DeVito show: "It's a Freaking Blizzard in Philadelphia".
Tuesday, December 28, 2010 8:55:00 AM via web
Delete . Vikings game moved 3 straight weeks. Forget global warming, I think the Vikings are the reason for all this bad weather.
Monday, December 27, 2010 1:06:27 PM via web
Delete . Saw "Rain". Loved it, except when the actor playing Ringo fell 30 feet.
Monday, December 27, 2010 11:12:13 AM via web
Delete . I always thought the teen birthrate was zero. I've never heard of anyone giving birth to a teenager.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010 12:06:41 PM via web
Delete . Governor fined $60,000 for accepting free Yankees tickets. Still cost less than what the Yankees charge for tickets.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010 10:03:06 AM via web
Delete . Human executions now use drug to euthanize animals. Instead of death penalty, convicts will be sent to a farm upstate.
Friday, December 17, 2010 1:08:02 PM via web
Delete . Wait, how may I threaten to release secrets and get manion arrest? I want to be sentenced to live in a mansion. Please.
Friday, December 17, 2010 12:44:35 PM via web
Delete . @geneweingarten New York eatery does not want toilet paper to be flushed.
Friday, December 17, 2010 9:10:36 AM via web
Delete . Founder of Facebook is Man of the Year. Founder of MySpace gets a footnote in a blog.
Thursday, December 16, 2010 5:16:54 PM via web
Delete . Yes, Viriginia, there is a Santa Clause. And he only gives toys to children in West Virginia.
Thursday, December 16, 2010 9:39:08 AM via web
Delete . According to the Castle Doctrine, this is going to be Santa's last year.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010 5:53:12 PM via web
Delete . I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause, and boy, did daddy look angry.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010 9:15:37 AM via web
Delete . Just as my mother feared: I bought a BB gun video game and I accidentally shot my avatar's eye out.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:02:17 AM via web
Delete . Mikle Gravel to run again for President. Question of the day: Will he throw another rock into another pond?
Thursday, December 09, 2010 5:50:05 PM via web
Delete . Her parents were firm but firm. When they spanked her, they always respected her safe word.
Monday, December 06, 2010 8:52:41 AM via web
Delete . Its a journalistic scandal to name every scandal -gate. I call this journalistic scandal Gategate.
Sunday, December 05, 2010 12:04:12 PM via web
Delete . Then in "Field of Dreams": If you build it, they will come." Today in Qatar: "If they come, we will build it."
Friday, December 03, 2010 9:40:26 AM via web
Delete . Thank you, Rosa Parks, for paving the way to allow Caucasians to take seats in the back of the bus.
Thursday, December 02, 2010 9:21:09 AM via web
Delete . Am I ever embarassed. All day long, I thought it was World Lunacy Day. Turns out it is World Literacy Day.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010 9:19:03 AM via web
Delete . I'm writing a sequel. Can't say what movie, but the working title is "Puke. Swear. Sex."
Wednesday, December 01, 2010 8:52:48 AM via web
Delete . Today I will join the celebrity Twitter silence and I will not tweet. Oh, wait....nuts.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010 8:47:44 AM via web
Delete . Tomorrow is celebrity quit Twitter. So, my three followers, shall I join them?
Tuesday, November 30, 2010 6:55:07 AM via web
Delete . Memo to cops: The time to check Willie Nelson's bus is to make sure he is OK when you DON'T smell pot.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010 6:53:04 AM via web
Delete . There is a shortage of the knock out drug for executions. States will now have people drink three Four Lockos before they are executed.
Monday, November 29, 2010 2:25:05 PM via web
Delete . OK, the Pope says I may use a condom, but I have to first become a male prostitute?
Monday, November 22, 2010 10:50:08 AM via web
Delete . Let's make Hank Stuever happy. Did you prefer cabs, ever take the subway, where did you see movies, art, theater? #YokoQandA
Sunday, November 21, 2010 4:12:33 PM via web
Delete . Glad you like "Gasland". Living in NYC, which does not have a water filtration system, are you worried about the water quality? #YokoQandA
Sunday, November 21, 2010 12:30:08 PM via web
Delete . I don't mind the TSA patdown, but why do I have to wear the dogcollar and bark like a dog on all fours?
Friday, November 19, 2010 9:59:17 AM via web
Delete . Down to three followers, who I don't even know if they read me. If I tweet and no one reads it, does my typing still make a sound?
Tuesday, November 16, 2010 9:22:23 AM via web
Delete . @JodyneL Since you tweeted that to your 1,626 followers, I am sure you now have lots of people wanting to see if you'll like them better.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010 1:42:18 PM via web in reply to JodyneL

Delete . Remember, MSNBC, no contributions to candidates, unlike Fox News, which simply hires the candidates.
Saturday, November 06, 2010 3:43:38 PM via web
Delete . I wonder if my signed first edition copy of the Bible is a fake or not.
Tuesday, November 02, 2010 2:06:55 PM via web
Delete . Alcohol is more harmful than crack or heroin. Take that, you wimpy crack heads and heroin addicts.
Monday, November 01, 2010 3:17:02 PM via web
Delete . Bought my tombstone. It will read "Maybe Philadelphia isn't a bad alternative after all."
Sunday, October 31, 2010 2:27:47 PM via web
Delete . Wow, this Stewart-Colbert rally is a bust. Looks like I'm the only one who showed up. #rally4sanity #keepfearalive
Sunday, October 31, 2010 11:01:35 AM via web
Delete . @carolynhennesy Thank you for being a real follower. After 184 tweets, it is good to have one or two actual people following you.
Saturday, October 30, 2010 11:19:07 AM via web
Delete . After partying with Charlie Sheen, I dreamed I was at a Charlie Chaplin premiere talking on my cell phone. Weird: I don't own a cell phone.
Thursday, October 28, 2010 5:45:37 PM via web
Delete . Billy Ray and Tish Cyrus fight for custody of Miley. "You take her". "No, you take her."
Thursday, October 28, 2010 10:33:38 AM via web
Delete . @SarahKSilverman You could always get a nine month medical marijuana prescription, wake up, and go "woa, where did this come from?"
Wednesday, October 27, 2010 10:07:49 AM via web in reply to SarahKSilverman

Delete . My sister wants to lead a purely religious life. I am worried. She quotes Ezekiel 16:17 as her inspiration.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010 10:05:46 AM via web
Delete . The Telephone Directory freaks me out: all those names, all those numbers, what does it all mean? #booksthatfreakedmeout
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 5:44:45 PM via web
Delete . Crucifix? At our age, we're lucky we can see Frankenstein. @FreeLogBunny
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 5:31:33 PM via web
Delete . What was funny was the only time I screamed during Horror Nights was when I came across a Jay Leno poster.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 5:30:37 PM via web
Delete . Borgnine says the chairs looks like it is glowing. Get your #FreeLogBunny before they go up in price.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 5:25:07 PM via web
Delete . Jesus, how do you expect us to know that? Jesus is my answer. #FreeLogBunny
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 5:00:16 PM via web
Delete . By the way, I have been to Horror Nights, and I recommend it to all. I especially love watching gangsta wannabes scream like little girls.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 4:51:30 PM via web
Delete . @HorrorNights I am old, senile, and dyslexic. Don't make me get Ernest Borgnine after you. Came late, adding #FreeLogBunny for lower costs
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 4:49:55 PM via web in reply to HorrorNights

Delete . @HorrorNights Horror movies filmed on Stage 38: Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Raven, and most frightening of all, Gigli (just kidding).
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 4:44:41 PM via web in reply to HorrorNights

Delete . Anyone remember when the reunion of those of us who worked on filming the moon landing in Burbank, I mean NASA, is going to be?
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 11:16:49 AM via web
Delete . As a former Philadelphian, I have picked for my tombstone to read "At least I'm not in Philadelphia."
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 11:12:22 AM via web
Delete . I am not a witch. I am you. A couch potato who vaguely has a clue. Elect me your Senator or I will separate your church from your state.
Monday, October 25, 2010 3:32:22 PM via web
Delete . I have to confess, but everytime I see a guy with a guy kicking down the cockpit door, I get nervous.
Sunday, October 24, 2010 12:53:47 PM via web
Delete . Harry Pothead and the Philosopher's Stoned #sadchildrensbooks
Saturday, October 23, 2010 7:46:17 PM via web
Delete . My Twitter value is $0.92, according to ... What about yours? #twalue
Sunday, October 17, 2010 12:40:18 PM via Twalue
Delete . Studies show marijuana harms monkey, but not human, brain cells. Thus, DO NOT SHARE YOUR POT WITH YOUR PET MONKEY,
Sunday, October 17, 2010 12:27:56 PM via web
Delete . Was bread the greatest invention before sliced bread?
Wednesday, October 13, 2010 1:51:48 PM via web
Delete . Two candidates for President, so far: Naked Cowboy and Donald Trump. Wait, are we certain they aren't the same person?
Tuesday, October 05, 2010 3:36:52 PM via web
Delete . Chelsea Handler, date me instead. I have more to offer. Signed, Leon aka Six Dimes.
Tuesday, October 05, 2010 11:49:46 AM via web
Delete . Naked Cowboy on Times Square to declare for President. The real issue: will Times Square allow opponents equal time?
Monday, October 04, 2010 6:43:36 PM via web
Delete . Today is International Nonviolence Day. No hitting, use only hand gestures.
Saturday, October 02, 2010 10:14:50 AM via web
Delete . Thank you Stephen Cannell. It was great reading and watching your works.
Friday, October 01, 2010 4:59:41 PM via web
Delete . @AlbertHaynesworth. Ah, to be so rich I can wait awhile until I feel like depositing a $21 million check.Careful don't accidentally wash it.
Friday, October 01, 2010 2:52:59 PM via web
Delete . You know life is off tilt when you find yourself saying "that's no sex offender, that's my wife."
Friday, October 01, 2010 9:22:09 AM via web
Delete . Farewell, Tony Curtis, one of the greats. Thank you for everything.
Thursday, September 30, 2010 6:19:31 PM via web
Delete . I don't trust Michael Vick's work ethic. I fear he's dogging it.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010 3:32:23 PM via web
Delete . Anyone else remember when when the print media had foreign correspondents instead of Lindsay Lohan correspondents?
Wednesday, September 29, 2010 3:23:48 PM via web
Delete . Has anyone else noticed that every Formspring question can amusingly be answered by "your mother"?
Wednesday, September 29, 2010 3:18:48 PM via web
Delete . @SethMacFarlane Thanks for keeping the memory of Paul Lynde alive, even if young viewers today don't know it. (Should we tell them?)
Monday, September 27, 2010 10:18:35 AM via web in reply to SethMacFarlane

Delete . Maybe Katy Perry shouldn't have sung "I Kissed a Girl" with Bert and Ernie.
Friday, September 24, 2010 9:13:48 PM via web
Delete . Japan turns away both Paris Hilton and me...well, me, because Japan costs too much for me to go there.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010 5:16:09 PM via web
Delete . This is the last day in my life so far.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010 5:15:35 PM via web
Delete . I did not fail my drug test, I am not on probation. I take full responsibility for this failure in public relations.
Sunday, September 19, 2010 4:23:56 PM via web
Delete . Tomorrow is Mushroom Growers Day. Yes, a day to celebrate working in manure all day long. I believe many can sympathize.
Friday, September 17, 2010 2:33:27 PM via web
Delete . It is a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing Lady Gaga's outfit (to retread an old "Cheers" joke).
Tuesday, September 14, 2010 5:24:17 PM via web
Delete . @SarahKSilverman If your finger is turning yellow, you should tell it to man up and stop being a coward, partner.
Monday, September 13, 2010 7:32:27 AM via web in reply to SarahKSilverman

Delete . RIP: Elvis Presley, 70, North Dakota gas station owner and one time noted singer.
Thursday, September 09, 2010 5:30:05 PM via web
Delete . CEO of National Lampoon sentenced to jail for inflating the value of the magazine. Seems "I was only joing" is not a legal defense.
Thursday, September 09, 2010 11:50:57 AM via web
Delete . Why is the only transgendered Congressional candidate in opposition to gay marriage? Don't marry the other sex before the operation.
Sunday, September 05, 2010 3:12:19 PM via web
Delete . Memo to NORML: when advising members to contact elected officials re: legalization of pot, advise them to wait until they are sober.
Monday, August 30, 2010 3:43:45 PM via web
Delete . @jimmyfallon Yo, you steal jokes from tweets? Take my jokes, please.
Thursday, August 26, 2010 3:25:02 PM via web in reply to jimmyfallon

Delete . As many people admit to driving while drunk as believe Obama is a Muslim. Is there a connection?
Thursday, August 26, 2010 1:37:52 PM via web
Delete . Where is the People for the Ethical Treatment for Vegetables?. What of the billions of vegetables slaughtered every year?
Thursday, August 26, 2010 10:05:48 AM via web
Delete . Obama buys a copy of "To Kill a Mockingbird". PETA is protesting.
Thursday, August 26, 2010 10:02:54 AM via web
Delete . @geneweingarten Also, what am I doing? I have 136 tweets and 3 followers, down from 6. If I tweet do I make a sound?
Thursday, August 26, 2010 9:41:52 AM via web
Delete . @geneweingarten Maybe she looked better before she began playing with her toy?
Thursday, August 26, 2010 9:39:21 AM via web in reply to geneweingarten

Delete . "Cathy" to stop before cartoonist runs out of ideas. Sorry, too late.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010 1:04:46 PM via web
Delete . Remember NFL players, no tweeting during games. Especially don't tweet in the middle of a play while playing.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010 1:04:10 PM via web
Delete . So, how long do you think I have before I catch up to Lady Gaga in number of followers? Anyone? Anyone?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010 5:28:45 PM via web
Delete . I hear there is going to be a Hello Kitty: Claws of Death maze. Justin Bieber will portray a psycho killer cat. Lindsay Lohan as herself.
Friday, August 13, 2010 5:24:30 PM via web
Delete . @HorrorNights Any idea when Hollywood Horror Night tickets go on sale? I am looking forward to it.
Thursday, August 12, 2010 9:20:14 AM via web in reply to HorrorNights

Delete . There is a betting ring on college students' GPAs. I await the first taking dive on finals payola scandal.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010 5:25:01 PM via web
Delete .geneweingarten I have reached a conclusion. It will be controversial, but I am correct and am prepared to defend it. Retweeting is rude.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010 8:40:25 PM via web from Capitol Hill, Washington
Retweeted by you and 7 others
Reply Retweeted (Undo) . Pop Tarts World opens on 42nd Street. Ironically, there used to a store named that back when it was the red light district.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010 9:21:39 AM via web
Delete . @Molly23 Have you tried the restaurant next to the place that buys "cats too"?
Friday, July 30, 2010 4:48:34 PM via web in reply to Molly23

Delete . @geneweingarten No, you first.
Friday, July 30, 2010 10:40:40 AM via web in reply to geneweingarten

Delete . To refudiate or not to refudiate, that is the question.
Monday, July 19, 2010 1:07:14 PM via web
Delete . Shout out to New Media Film Festival:
Monday, July 19, 2010 10:26:00 AM via web
Delete . George W Bush autobiography is $350 for an autographed copy; $400 without the autograph.
Thursday, July 15, 2010 2:00:47 PM via web
Delete . 21st century Big Brother: I'll let you keep your guns so long as you don't want health care.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010 12:34:39 PM via web
Delete . If LeBron will choose to play in Pittsburgh, they promise they will actually get a team.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010 5:13:41 PM via web
Delete . There is a new fetish:BPSM. It is for people who want to smack around BP.
Thursday, July 01, 2010 9:11:41 AM via web
Delete . 6% approve of BP. Of those who approve of BP, 93% of them can't spell BP.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010 3:17:31 PM via web
Delete . @buzzbissinger Hey, I like you, so I guess I lose out on all those signed copies. I have a signed FNL, so, nothing you need to do.
Monday, June 28, 2010 9:28:46 AM via web in reply to buzzbissinger

Delete . @geneweingarten, @buzzbissinger. Forget Lincoln-Douglas. We want to see you debate each other.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010 10:19:47 AM via web
Delete . My parents wanted to name me Elvis Presley. If only...I'd probably have had a great singing career.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010 4:44:53 PM via web
Delete . As Al explained it to Tipper, love means never having to say you're sorry.
Sunday, June 06, 2010 5:22:43 PM via web
Delete . Woody Allen defending Polanski is like Charlie Manson being a character witness for David Berkowitz.
Monday, May 17, 2010 9:37:16 AM via web
Delete . Help make Sarah Silverman a host of "Saturday Night Live":
Monday, May 10, 2010 2:50:57 PM via web
Delete . I want to go to a Phillies game. I want the whole experience: the game, the crowd, having someone vomit on me, and getting tasered.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010 2:29:55 PM via web
Delete . Drat: I bid $104,999,999 for a Picasso and someone outbid me by one dollar.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010 2:28:41 PM via web
Delete . @OzzieOsbourne. Relax, they're paperweights. The rest of her is in the other room.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010 5:24:22 PM via web
Delete . Found $99 airfare. Only catch: it will cost $1,000 for my luggage.
Monday, April 19, 2010 1:39:46 PM via web
Delete . @ChelseaHandler: When offered sobriety or breathalyzer test, do not ask cop "will the breathalyzer detect marijuana?"
Monday, April 19, 2010 9:52:19 AM via web
Delete . Why don't Liz Taylor and Larry King get it over with and marry each other?
Friday, April 16, 2010 9:22:25 AM via web
Delete . Told speaker to imagine her audience naked. Problem was, she looked at the audience and couldn't stop laughing.
Friday, April 16, 2010 9:21:36 AM via web
Delete . @TeaPartyPennsylvania. Sorry, but moving the tax protest to Saturday does not also move the tax filing deadline. Good try, though.
Thursday, April 15, 2010 10:50:39 AM via web
Delete . Received another census form: reported another couple thousand cousins living me. I may have my own legislative district in my house.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010 9:55:05 AM via web
Delete . I declared several thousand illegal immigrants throughout my house on my census: doing my part for more Federal funds.
Friday, April 02, 2010 11:04:23 AM via web
Delete . This Twitter account has been approved by the government for an EnergyStar designation.
Friday, March 26, 2010 9:23:39 AM via web
Delete . Why do so many people have public Facebook and Twitter accounts and then have unlisted phone numbers?
Thursday, March 18, 2010 12:53:51 PM via web
Delete . @HorrorNights I missed Chucky. Of course, to say anything good about him would be insulting to him, so, yes, I miss the no good rotten jerk.
Saturday, February 20, 2010 1:45:45 PM via web in reply to HorrorNights

Delete . Re: Brangelina. I am shocked to learn that the British press may have actually gotten a story wrong.
Monday, January 25, 2010 6:00:02 PM via web
Delete . @Johnny Depp. Glad you are feeling better after dying. That dying can boost a career but it limits new job offers,
Monday, January 25, 2010 9:00:21 AM via web
Delete . @AngelinaJolie: Hey, everything is alright, Just what? I'm available. That weird guy years ago with that strange smell, that was me!
Sunday, January 24, 2010 10:58:15 AM via web
Delete . @JeffZucker: You've already kept me off the air for 3 1/2 years. Time to let me on the air, OK, huh, huh?
Thursday, January 14, 2010 1:04:51 PM via web
Delete . Hello, phone, you're my bitch.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 5:56:44 PM via web
Delete . My area code will run out of numbers in 2012. The Mayan calendar is right afterall: it all comes to an end if you can't get a phone.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 5:54:53 PM via web
Delete . @Molly23 "Warren Gamialiel Harding" by Al Stewart. Can't get more "on the nose" than that song.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010 9:16:48 AM via web in reply to Molly23

Delete . Warren Beatty, your true number is 12,744 and my Uncle Bob, who hid it well.
Friday, January 08, 2010 5:18:44 PM via web
Delete . If Warren Beatty can get all the women he bedded to buy his new book, it will be an instant best seller.
Monday, January 04, 2010 9:29:59 AM via web
Delete . Woman gave all 4 daughers same first name. She says she tells them apart by calling them by their last names.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009 9:08:21 AM via web
Delete . Give Courtney Love credit. She at least remembers she has a daughter.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009 9:53:23 AM via web
Delete . Loneliness is contagious? No wonder the more friends I have the lonlier I get. Some friends. "Stay away from her: she has loneliness."
Tuesday, December 01, 2009 4:45:53 PM via web
Delete . If the world ends in 2012, we have to seriously ask ourselves: should we move up the Iowa Caucus?
Sunday, November 15, 2009 1:30:25 PM via web
Delete . @geneweingarten I keep the spambots. They and the telemarketers are my only friends in the world.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009 4:51:36 PM via web in reply to geneweingarten

Delete . If I tweet in the woods, does it make a sound, especially if I type really softly?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009 12:30:41 PM via web
Delete . @geneweingarten I am close to being a solipsist. I have just five followers, none of whom I know, and I suspect all five are spammers.
12:29 PM Nov 10th, 2009 via web in reply to geneweingarten

Delete . @HorrorNights Good idea to expand the tram. Of course, one of the most fearful rides is LA rush hour, but your terror tram is much better.


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