My Roland Hedly-Style Book

1.
Breaking news: New rules for British expense accounts. All moats around homes must be itemized.about 19 hours ago from web
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Breaking news: Swine flu hits Amazon tribe. Who is going to fill all those book orders?about 19 hours ago from web
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3.
@GeneWeingarten: How about the antidepressant that warns it may cause suicidal thoughts? Huh? You feel great but you want to kill yourself?12:18 PM Nov 1st from web
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4.
Why is it the script satirizing porn gets the most reads? I can't figure that out.8:25 AM Oct 29th from web
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5.
@ClevelandIndians: Yes, CC Sabathia and Cliff Lee are the key to getting to the World Series.2:36 PM Oct 28th from web

When the moon hits both your eyes, that polyamory.4:45 PM Oct 22nd from web
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@NewYorkYankees: In case you didn't know, the rules allow you to also hit home runs when runners are on base.3:39 PM Oct 21st from web
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Email yesterday accidentally advertised Mets playoffs tickets. Sadly, many orders were made. I hear good seats are left.3:30 PM Oct 20th from web
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Russia claims North Pole. Say it ain't so: red suited Santa is a commie? No wonder it always was toys for every child.3:24 PM Oct 20th from web
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@RichardHenne: I looked into it. If the Sun explodes, there is no bunker I can design that will save you.2:45 PM Oct 20th from web
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Balloon Boy father to get new reality show: He'll be on MSNBC's "Lockup" inside prison show/4:06 PM Oct 19th from web
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@Molly23: I bought your CD. It tastes good.3:53 PM Oct 14th from web
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@geneweingarten: Your advice stinks. I tried offering women a toilet. Doesn't work. Asked to leave. Oh? That only works in India?8:35 AM Oct 13th from web
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more
Leno needs ratings boost: will a celebrity kindly do a sex scandal interview exclusive for him? Any takers? Good PR, honest.9:16 AM Oct 7th from web
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Message I am getting from Starbucks ads: Our coffee is so crappy you can't taste the difference between it and instant coffee.7:59 AM Oct 2nd from web
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@geneweingarten. I like your avatar. People think I have a friend who refuses to put up with chocolate ice cream cones.3:28 PM Oct 1st from web
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@MackenziePhillips: Just so I have this straight: you won't sleep with me but you'll sleep with your...8:52 AM Oct 1st from web
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21st century jokes: Your surrogate mother is so fat...7:41 AM Sep 23rd from web
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Knock. knock jokes in the 21st century: Right-click, Right-click. Whose attachment is there?8:12 AM Sep 22nd from web
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Modernized Redneck humor: If I divorce my wife, is he still my brother?7:38 AM Sep 21st from web
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Contest: how many people will use "twick or tweet" joke on Twitter on Halloween?11:29 AM Sep 20th from web
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@MTVVideoMusicAwards: I'm going to let you finish...Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time. Just thought you'd like to know.9:21 AM Sep 17th from web
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Like how Octomom disses Kate Gosselin. Hey, speak to me once you have 12 kids.4:00 PM Aug 28th from web
Phone records show woman called man who killed her 300 times in days before he killed her. I believe we found the motive.1:19 PM Aug 18th from web
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Sad that Billy Mays died of cocaine. Wonder if his dealer will refund the unused portion, no questions asked?10:58 AM Aug 8th from web
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I once left a meal bill and tip on the table. Owner chased after me for nonpayment. Waiter thought I had left 120% tip.2:52 PM Aug 7th from web
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I fear identity theft. I worry the thief will then sue me for defamation of his character.2:50 PM Aug 7th from web
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Let's start a pool: How long until someone starts a Michael Jackson faked his death rumor?3:14 PM Aug 6th from web
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My cartoon: Man reading "New Yorker". Caption, "honey, I think I finally understood a cartoon."1:59 PM Aug 6th from web
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Jennifer Aniston says she's not mad at guys who deny dating her. Thank you. I wish to deny I ever dated Jennifer Aniston.4:15 PM Aug 5th from web
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Ryan O'Neal admitting he tried to pick up a woman and not realizing it was his daughter at Farah Fawcett's funeral is an old joke come true.2:40 PM Aug 4th from web
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Rumor "Futurama" recasting new voices. It would never be the same without Katey Sagal and Billy West. Cut costs, but lose your audience?8:53 AM Jul 31st from web
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Pornography is the solution to race relations. It lets young boys appreciate they would like to have sex with anyone without regard to race.8:50 AM Jul 31st from web
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Too many actresses were taught acting comes from the heart inside their chests and concluded acting comes from their chests.9:06 AM Jul 30th from web
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Scientists may be close to finding out what happened to Amelia Earhart. Turns out she's been circling O'Hare this whole time.5:09 PM Jul 29th from web
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Why do people do crazy things voices tell them to do? Doesn't anyone get second opinions anymore?4:04 PM Jul 27th from web
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Met second runner-up in a pageant, because judges awarded first runner-up to "shoot me now."6:03 PM Jul 16th from web
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I see in LA I'm the only person who drinks cranberry juice because he likes how it tastes.6:02 PM Jul 16th from web
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A man was billed $23,148,855,308,184,500 for dinner at Wolfgang Puck. Sadly he only left a 10% tip on top of that.4:21 PM Jul 15th from web
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I wonder if Paul Simon is going to record an album "Neverland"?2:15 PM Jul 15th from web
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@hollywoodshow: the correct spelling of the star of MASH is "Kellerman", although Alan Alda might disagree.8:56 AM Aug 25th from web
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Memo to security: the guy offering $10,000 to get past security is the guy you should check.1:55 PM Aug 24th from web
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Oscar Mayer's widow passed away. I think we all know what she wished.8:39 AM Jul 15th from web
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Palin stated she would campaign for Democrats. Doing that might be the best thing she could do for the Republican Party.4:46 PM Jul 14th from web
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Cheney's daughter says her father did nothing wrong. Because, while Cheney won't tell Congress, he confides everything to his daughter.9:46 AM Jul 14th from web
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I wonder what Sonia Sotomayor's opinions are of Michael Jackson?2:27 PM Jul 13th from web
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The oldest employee died recently at age 106. Sadly, he was just two weeks away from retirement.10:35 AM Jul 13th from web
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What would my five followers most like me to write? I wonder if Shakespeare ever wrote plays on request?9:49 AM Jul 13th from web
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Why doesn't Obama just send Chuck Norris to North Korea?9:43 AM Jul 13th from web
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Richard Hatch wants out of jail to do another Survivor. Why not do Survivor in prison: idea is to get voted OUT of jail.9:38 AM Jul 13th from web
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A follower advises how to talk to women. I have a suggestion: talk to them in person and don't waste your time on Twitter.2:06 PM Jul 12th from web
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How come I can't find myself on Twitter? This is so un-1960s when people went out in search of themselves? How can 5 find me but I can't?2:02 PM Jul 12th from web
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Five followers? Seriously, how does anyone find any of this interesting?1:43 PM Jul 12th from web
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Barack Obama had an op-ed in today's Post? Wouldn't it have been funny if the Post had sent him a letter of rejection back?1:42 PM Jul 12th from web
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Well, at least I didn't mention the secret CIA program Cheney and I were working on.11:48 AM Jul 12th from web
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Four followers? Why? Now you are putting pressure on me to rant and rave and do something entertaining.11:46 AM Jul 12th from web
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Why does this say I have three followers when only two names appear when I hit "followers"? Who is this third person?11:38 AM Jul 12th from web
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I am signing off to read the Sunday Washington Post. If I remember my password, I'll return with more exciting tweets.11:37 AM Jul 12th from web
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I coughed. Any coughing fans want to follow me? Sorry I don't have any "photographs".11:36 AM Jul 12th from web
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I just scratched my forehead. Anyone care about that?11:35 AM Jul 12th from web
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Great, my instant followers all have "photographs". Yes, porn is the driver of the Internet. What happened to intellectual thought?11:34 AM Jul 12th from web
Twitter is a sign of the end of civilization. Read a book or a newspaper. Save newspapers. they need readers.11:21 AM Jul 12th from web
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How can I just join and already have three followers? Where do you three come from? Don't you have something better to do with your lives?
Name Leon Tchaikovsky
Location Earth, outside Los Angeles
Web http://soundsfunn...
Bio I am an assortment of keywords such as vampires, news, sports, weather, dogs, cats, local news, movies, TV, CIA, AFL-CIO, WGA, no soap radio, Groucho Marx, and

Even Hollywood Agents Have Their Limits

An eccentric billionaire goes to a Hollywood agent. The billionaire states he will give one million dollars cash if the agent will push a button. If the agent pushes the button, it will send a signal to a representative of the billionaire who will then kill an anonymous person in the intensive care unit in an anonymous foreign country that does not have an extradition treaty with the U.S.

The agent is outraged. The agent starts yelling that the mere thought of taking a life, even if for a short time, would haunt him for the rest of his life. He could not possibly live with himself with that knowledge and absolutely refuses to entertain the notion of the billionaire’s offer.

The agent then calms down, turns to the billionaire, and says “two million”.