Smell My Tweet

Atheist organization looking for a "pitch person". I pray to God I get the job.
about 20 hours ago via web
Delete . @lindahamilton What? Even you won't go to the prom with me?
Thursday, July 21, 2011 11:06:04 AM via web
Delete . I wonder how Rupert Murdoch would react if the press reported he engaged in a Nazi themed gay sex orgy.
Thursday, July 21, 2011 9:13:41 AM via web
Delete . To the guy texting while bicycling in vehicle traffic: how you tried the suicide prevention hotline instead?
Tuesday, July 19, 2011 8:57:54 AM via web
Delete . Sherwood Schwartz funeral is today at 3. It will be repeated at 5, 6:30, and 8.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011 10:37:03 AM via web
Delete . My condolenses to family and friends of Charlie Sheen's, whose death was incorrectly reported earlier today,
Wednesday, July 13, 2011 9:04:59 AM via web
Delete . I am sorry to hear Sarah Palin state she can be elected President. Before, I never realized that she was delusional
Tuesday, July 12, 2011 10:29:18 AM via web
Delete . The good part of the News Corp hacking scandal is it shows they didn't just make up these stories afterall.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011 10:19:23 AM via web
Delete . @MilaKunis Wait, you're going to the prom afterall, after you told me you weren't going?
Tuesday, July 12, 2011 10:10:09 AM via web
Delete . Everyone stand for the playing of the "Star Spangled Banner." #ifwoodstockweretoday
Monday, July 11, 2011 4:33:39 PM via web
Delete . "This next song is dedicated to Ronald Reagan, who was a great President." #ifwoodstockweretoday
Monday, July 11, 2011 9:36:41 AM via web
Delete . "Avoid the green ecstacy." #ifwoodstockweretoday
Monday, July 11, 2011 9:36:02 AM via web
Delete . "Give me a k, what's that spell? Anyone? Anyone?" #ifwoodstockweretoday
Monday, July 11, 2011 9:35:04 AM via web
Delete . If marriage was good enough for Jesus, it should be good enough for everyone.
Sunday, July 10, 2011 10:44:35 AM via web
Delete . @Molly23 Actually, the correct term is "intellectually disabled" as in "Lindsay and Paris disabled their intellectual abilities".
Friday, July 08, 2011 3:04:08 PM via web in reply to Molly23

Delete . Rick Perry supported Gore for Pres; Romney supported gvrnmnt health care; Pawlenty believed in climate change. Hey, right wing, being duped?
Friday, July 08, 2011 2:18:38 PM via web
Delete . Yeah, who thinks the report that bombs may be planted in implants was a story created by a horny TSA employee?
Thursday, July 07, 2011 5:25:34 PM via web
Delete . Before, nerds did not know how to speak with women. Now with social media, no one knows how to speak with women.
Thursday, July 07, 2011 8:58:38 AM via web
Delete . Do you have advice for people who procrastinate and submit questions after the event? #AskObama
Wednesday, July 06, 2011 4:56:42 PM via web
Delete . How can the Mormon Church be against gay marriage? They traditionally supported the right of two or more women to marry.
Wednesday, July 06, 2011 9:50:48 AM via web
Delete . Facebook announces its users are 52% female and 44% male. Which must mean that 4% have confused sexuality.
Wednesday, July 06, 2011 8:43:07 AM via web
Delete . Casey Anthony will devote the rest of her life to finding the real killers.
Wednesday, July 06, 2011 8:27:31 AM via web
Delete . John Hagee meets and encourages Rick Perry to run for President. In 2008, McCain rejected Hagee's endorsement. My, how times change.
Tuesday, July 05, 2011 3:32:10 PM via web
Delete . I wonder if Disney filmed one of those "I'm going to Disney World" commercials with Casey Anthony.
Tuesday, July 05, 2011 2:41:30 PM via web
Delete . @SethMacFarlane You know, Casey Anthony could fill the role of Stewie's new girlfriend.
Tuesday, July 05, 2011 2:29:48 PM via web
Delete . @SethMacFarlane Have you considered hiring poor Casey Anthony, a media personality who clearly needs new work?
Tuesday, July 05, 2011 2:28:38 PM via web
Delete . I am confused. So, using chloroform on your child is good parenting?
Tuesday, July 05, 2011 2:26:04 PM via web
Delete . The Casey Anthony verdict is due. Florida courts are slow: they will announce their decision either for Bush or for Gore.
Tuesday, July 05, 2011 1:58:52 PM via web
Delete . I hope Casey Anthony is found innocent and set free. I would like to ask her out.
Tuesday, July 05, 2011 12:29:17 PM via web
Delete . Hacked Fox News tweets claim Obama is a communist...no, wait, those are the real tweets.
Tuesday, July 05, 2011 10:27:08 AM via web
Delete . If Mark Halperin had said Anthony Weiner is a dick, most would have agreed and he would still be on the air.
Monday, July 04, 2011 1:15:55 PM via web
Delete . Why do you need to clean that closet? Maybe you wish to keep what is in it? #yokoQandA
Monday, July 04, 2011 1:01:08 PM via web
Delete . Mark Halperin should just have used the word "weiner" instead. Anthony has made that word perfectly acceptable.
Thursday, June 30, 2011 5:28:18 PM via web
Delete . When Denise Richards announced she had adopted a child, I thought they meant she was back with Charlie Sheen.
Thursday, June 30, 2011 5:14:34 PM via web
Delete . I will not make jokes about people with mental deficiencies, so, no Tracy Morgan jokes here.
Thursday, June 30, 2011 11:17:29 AM via web
Delete . LulzSec here. We were going to mess up this account, but it is messed up enough already.
Thursday, June 30, 2011 10:52:42 AM via web
Delete . Both my parents are African American. Being white, I am beginning to suspect my mother cheated on my father,
Thursday, June 30, 2011 10:14:10 AM via web
Delete . Although, if I could marry a gay---Anne Heche, what do you think of an old dude?
Thursday, June 30, 2011 10:13:26 AM via web
Delete . If you don't like gay marriage, then don't marry a gay. What do you care what others do? If it bothers you, it's your issue, not theirs.
Thursday, June 30, 2011 10:11:38 AM via web
Delete . Gays from outside NY can marry but still have no rights when they return. Sort of like what most men married to women already find.
Thursday, June 30, 2011 10:10:37 AM via web
Delete . Charlie Sheen admits using steroids while filming "Major League". Yeah, like that's the worst thing he's done.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011 8:47:53 PM via web
Delete . News Corporation is relinquishing MySpace. I wonder how much they will pay someone to take it over?
Tuesday, June 28, 2011 1:38:26 PM via web
Delete . I think the odds of a UFO flying here to appear over BBC are about the same as a UFO flying here to appear over Universal Studios.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011 8:39:15 AM via web
Delete . It just hit me: has anyone seen Joe Biden's birth certificate?
Monday, June 27, 2011 6:14:16 PM via web
Delete . Caution: Cigarette smoking may cloud your judgement and cause you to tweet photos of your genitals to the press.
Sunday, June 26, 2011 2:20:27 PM via web
Delete . 35,000 died today of lack of food and proper health care. Meanwhile, in America, a woman is getting her buttocks x-rayed. News reports soon.
Saturday, June 25, 2011 11:44:56 AM via web
Delete . I hate everytime I buy a dress for four million dollars, I bring it home, and it is the wrong size.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011 8:36:51 AM via web
Delete . Although we have never met, I love you. Shouldn't we all love more people we've never met? #yokoQandA
Monday, June 20, 2011 9:41:23 AM via web
Delete . I love the Sheriff quoted in the press stating "we don't get many people killed by flying bears".
Friday, June 17, 2011 2:23:58 PM via web
Delete . No rioting for you, eh, Miami?
Thursday, June 16, 2011 8:39:11 AM via web
Delete . @Vancouver No, no, you only riot when your team wins. Read the rules book.
Thursday, June 16, 2011 8:38:44 AM via web
Delete . @geneweingarten How often do you need to feed a pet llama? Dalai.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011 5:54:22 PM via web in reply to geneweingarten

Delete . There was a brothel on White House grounds as the White House was constructed. It was finally closed by Hillary.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011 5:46:00 PM via web
Delete . The Eastern Mountain Lion, declared extinct last year, is not extinct after all...oops, never mind.
Sunday, June 12, 2011 5:07:49 PM via web
Delete . June 21, 5-8 am, Central Park. I will come from out of state to be there. One note by voice. Anything else I need to know? #yokoQandA
Friday, June 10, 2011 12:25:33 PM via web
Delete . Of course Alex Baldwin lives in New York City and may run for Mayor. Everyone knows he lives at 30 Rockefeller Plaza.
Friday, June 10, 2011 12:21:51 PM via web
Delete . Foursquare alert: having early lunch with buds Angelina and Brad at the McDonald's on 17th Street.
Wednesday, June 08, 2011 10:59:10 AM via web
Delete . Merkel gives Hillary photo of their midsections. Hillary returns favor with photo of midsection of Anthony Weiner.
Wednesday, June 08, 2011 8:59:31 AM via web
Delete . All hail the midnight ride of the man who warned Boston that Sarah Palin was arriving.
Monday, June 06, 2011 3:07:58 PM via web
Delete . I hate when I can't remember if I sent out the Twitter photos of my weiner or if a hacker did.
Thursday, June 02, 2011 8:02:44 AM via web
Delete . @RickSantorum I don't want to marry my goldfish. We will just remain friends.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011 10:58:51 AM via web
Delete . Nixon asked to get pizza after filming the fake moon landing. #11wordsdeletedfromPentagonPapers
Monday, May 30, 2011 11:32:19 AM via web
Delete . Why is it that William Rogers can't score any decent pot? #11wordsdeletedfromPentagonPapers
Sunday, May 29, 2011 3:55:44 PM via web
Delete . That Texas Rep. George Bush sure has one disturbingly psychotic son. #11wordsdeletedfromPentagonPapers
Sunday, May 29, 2011 3:53:28 PM via web
Delete . It's a good thing no one noticed Humphrey actually won the election. #11wordsdeletedfromPentagonPapers
Sunday, May 29, 2011 3:51:06 PM via web
Delete . Daniel Ellsberg is going a superb job. He should be promoted. #11wordsdeletedfromPentagonPapers
Sunday, May 29, 2011 3:49:41 PM via web
Delete . Rose Mary Woods keeps asking where to file the deleted transcripts. #11wordsdeletedfromPentagonPapers
Sunday, May 29, 2011 3:47:52 PM via web
Delete . Oops. Kissenger said "let's get bombed," not let's start some bombing. #11wordsdeletedfromPentagonPapers
Sunday, May 29, 2011 3:45:58 PM via web
Delete . Nixon upset over Lennon deportation. Turns out Nixon's huge Beatles fan. #11wordsdeletedfromPentagonPaper
Sunday, May 29, 2011 3:42:10 PM via web
Delete . FBI Director Hoover asked if this dress makes him look fat. #11wordsdeletedfromPentagonPapers
Sunday, May 29, 2011 3:37:39 PM via web
Delete . "The Bible" to be a TV miniseries. In this version, Jesus blasts the Romans with ray guns and escapes.
Friday, May 27, 2011 10:22:34 AM via web
Delete . Often when someone is placed on house arrest, I ask, why punish the poor house?
Thursday, May 26, 2011 5:01:58 PM via web
Delete . Must be a generational thing: If I am sitting on a porch when a tornado hits, my first thought is NOT to grab a camera and post to You Tube.
Monday, May 23, 2011 2:38:20 PM via web
Delete . The world is end is ending after all: No more Oprah.
Monday, May 23, 2011 2:11:46 PM via web
Delete . I was raptured, yet due to a processing error, I was sent back.
Sunday, May 22, 2011 11:48:57 AM via web
Delete . I voted today. Now I feel like an enabler.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011 2:56:49 PM via web
Delete . Memo to Lindsay Lohan: remember, your car is NOT one of those cars that can drive itself.
Monday, May 16, 2011 9:07:20 AM via web
Delete . I guess cars that drive themselves don't even need anyone to be in them. Bummer, they can't use the commuter lanes.
Monday, May 16, 2011 9:06:09 AM via web
Delete . Cars that drive themselves are being tested on California roads. Now if they can just get them to wave middle fingers at other drivers.
Monday, May 16, 2011 9:05:29 AM via web
Delete . @geneweingarten Google says you did, in your May 21, 2001 chat. No idea what this is all about, but I hope this helps, sorry if it does not.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011 1:52:11 PM via web in reply to geneweingarten

Delete . "Hey, Osama, it's me, Dave." #whatledtotheend
Saturday, May 07, 2011 2:06:42 PM via web
Delete . What are some of the best Mothers Day gifts you ever received? #yokoQandA
Saturday, May 07, 2011 12:45:12 PM via web
Delete . I hope Laura Silverman records my answering message so people will be deluded into thinking I can actually speak to women.
Wednesday, May 04, 2011 4:54:23 PM via web
Delete .GoodniteBurbank Pls RT: Want @LauraJSilverman to voice your message on your answering machine? Competition! Details here: http://goodnightburbank.com/?p=257
Wednesday, May 04, 2011 1:54:45 PM via web
Retweeted by you and 6 others
Reply Retweeted (Undo) . How many Fiume residents does it take to change a lightbulb? Who knows, there are none left.
Wednesday, May 04, 2011 10:49:03 AM via web
Delete . Why did the person cross the road in Fiume? To get from one side of the nation to the other.
Wednesday, May 04, 2011 10:48:00 AM via web
Delete . My ancestors came from Konigsberg, Russia and the nation of Fiume. Any Fiume Americans out there? Anyone? Anyone?
Wednesday, May 04, 2011 10:47:22 AM via web
Delete . There are two groups demonstrating, one for Tourette's funding and the other for Teamsters rights. I can't tell which group is which.
Monday, May 02, 2011 3:48:18 PM via web
Delete . My uncle does not know who Bin Laden was, but he sends his sympathies to his familiy and friends.
Monday, May 02, 2011 3:47:21 PM via web
Delete . Blog states show I have 2 readers in North Korea. Now I am upset their government does not consider me worth blocking.
Thursday, April 28, 2011 1:16:33 PM via web
Delete . So Barack Obama's mother was named Stanley. At least we now understand why he hid his birth certificate all these years.
Thursday, April 28, 2011 11:11:12 AM via web
Delete . I am wondering: How Barack Obama ever produced a marriage certificate with Michelle?
Thursday, April 28, 2011 10:29:45 AM via web
Delete . I have taken myself out of the running to replace Steve Carell. I want to keep my options open. James Spader needs the work.
Thursday, April 28, 2011 9:39:27 AM via web
Delete . Hollywood's new buddy stars: Mark Wahlberg and Justin Bieber. (The previous is NOT a joke.)
Thursday, April 28, 2011 9:36:13 AM via web
Delete . Weather today: April showers are drowning May flowers and sweeping them downstream.
Thursday, April 28, 2011 9:33:08 AM via web
Delete . I have an idea that can't fail: Mayan 2013 calendars.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011 10:07:40 AM via web
Delete . New Birther Conspiracy: Where is Arnold Schwarzenegger's birth certificate? I bet he was born in Brooklyn and that accent is fake.
Monday, April 25, 2011 9:20:03 AM via web
Delete . I love your song "Mrs. Lennon". It has been with me for decades. What were some of the inspirations for writing the song? #yokoQandA
Sunday, April 24, 2011 2:27:44 PM via web
Delete . The Mets are losing because they don't want to pay Charlie Sheen royalties for winning.
Sunday, April 24, 2011 2:15:13 PM via web
Delete . How does Frank McCourt spend $150,000 a year on haircuts? Is that all he does all day is get his hair cut?
Friday, April 22, 2011 12:52:22 PM via web
Delete . Charlie Sheen dated Jennifer Grey. That shows baby can be cornered after all.