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Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: When We Were Young and Tweet

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Tuesday, April 02, 2013

When We Were Young and Tweet


 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3h
The sequel to "Finding Nemo" is underway, called "Where Did I Put Nemo?"
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3h
@MonicaHesse Sadly, too many people practiced their acting skills for years to wind up portraying Disney characters. So it could work.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3h
@MonicaHesse Checked my slang experts: Guess he was asking for a sex act where you = feast. Or a foreigner asking how to get to Bethesda.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3h
@BillGates Please stop sending me those checks for $5,000. It is getting so I don't have time to deposit them.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 3h
If your date thinks "You're the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly" is the #BestSongToHaveSexWith, you may wind up with more ugly kids.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 4h
@MonicaHesse I was asked on the Metro how to get to Disney World. Get off at Union Station and transfer to the line to Orlando.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 5h
If your date thinks "Yakety Sax" is the #BestSongToHaveSexWith, you can still make that work.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 5h
If your date thinks "Dead Puppies Aren't Much Fun" is the #BestSongToHaveSexWith, run, run like the wind.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 5h
If your date thinks "Psycho Killer" is the #BestSongToHaveSexWith, don''t let her tie you up and gag you.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 5h
@Roslynjgbsh Thank you for the spam. I am glad someone is out there making sure that spam survives.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 7h
Who bribes to be the Republican nominee for Mayor? They pretty much would have begged you to run for free.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 7h
Dragonflies catch 95% of their prey, lions catch 25% of their prey. If you are being hunted, hope it is a lion and not a dragonfly.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 7h
An era is over. Yankees versus Red Sox, on  opening day, at Yankee Stadium, does not sell out..
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 8h
Clayton Kershaw leads the Dodgers in homers. If this statement is true in September, then something really weird happened.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 8h
Actual advice I gave someone today: When you book a speaker, make certain he didn't die two years ago.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 12h
Spoiler alert: At the end of "The Bible"  TV series, Lady Sybil dies.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 12h
@BryceHarper You hit 2 homes runs at the season opener. You do realize we now expect you to hit 2 homes runs in every game?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1 Apr
To the author of the exploration of the 26 year relationship with an 11 year old: Please tell me this is an Aprils Food Joke, or get help.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1 Apr
I need glasses. I misread a headline reading "Hiker found alive" for "Hitler found alive."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1 Apr
What? The age of consent is 18 and not 21? Why didn't someone tell me this years ago?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1 Apr
The Cubs spent more on political contributions than the other 29 teams combined, and still a White Sox fan won the Presidency.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1 Apr
My fan base: People too stoned to realize they are reading the wrong works,
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1 Apr
Target demo for my works: Stoned people who accidentally order the wrong writings in the middle of the night.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 1 Apr
Note to self: Tell Jesus jokes, lose followers. At least that is better than when I told Mohammed jokes and some followers wanted to kill me
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 31 Mar
RIP to friends and family of YouTube, whose demise was announced as an April Fools joke. You might have been missed.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 31 Mar
On this day when Jesus resurrects and "Walking Dead" is on TV, I fully expect the miracle of Michael Richard's career returning to life.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 31 Mar
Now trending: #MyReplyToILove is #LetsGetFatTogether
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 31 Mar
Happy Easter and April Fool: The Easter bunny left some eggs with razor blades in them.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 31 Mar
A Pennsylvania legislator has been videotaped smoking pot and dating another legislator. It's a scandal. She's human.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 31 Mar
April Fool. What, you thought I would be insensitive to actually do Jesus jokes on Easter. (No, wait...how does this work?)
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 31 Mar
Did Jesus ever get morning wood? That would bring a whole different perspective to that Christ is Risen thing.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 31 Mar
Jesus was emailed till he was cross. He went offline but resurrected his account a few days later.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 30 Mar
If Jesus died on Friday and arose on Sunday, what was keeping him so busy on Saturday?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 30 Mar
@MADDYMETOO @Silent_Calvin @petridishes @WilliamTaft27 @WGHarding As Calvin Coolidge would say, "      ".
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 30 Mar
Now trending: #MyReplyToILoveYou is to watch which teams made the #FinalFour.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 Mar
Dear Kim Jong-Un: Please do not bomb the United States, Remember, your friend Dennis Rodman lives here.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 Mar
Gay marriage compromise: SInce the Supreme Court thinks corporations are people, one may marry any other person or corporation.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 Mar
Today is Good Friday. Monday is Good Monday. Did I leave out anything in-between?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 Mar
@Ricky_Fletcher Thank you for the retweet. The retweet also got stuck on the 405.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 Mar
Directors ask North Korea if they bomb Los Angeles to send three missiles in case they don't get the explosions on the first & second takes.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 Mar
If North Korea sends a missile to Los Angeles it will just get stuck on the 405 highway.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 Mar
Say "vagina" in Idaho, and people want you fired. Say "vagina" in LA and people think you're boring and repetitious.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 Mar
Bad headline for African tourism: "Penis thefts on rise in Africa." ---"I didn't lose my bags, but I lost..."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 Mar
These are not logical: If gays marry, then people will marry dogs. Take away my assault weapon, you'll take away my hunting rifle. Fox News.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 Mar
Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. Watch "New Girl" on Fox. #ShakespeareSlogans
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 Mar
The good is oft interred with their "Bones", now in reruns. #ShakespeareSlogans
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 Mar
Hell is empty and all the devils are here. Watch National Hockey League games. #ShakespeareSlogans
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 Mar
If you prick us do we not bleed? Is that is the case, switch to Trogans. #ShakespeareSlogans
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 Mar
So soon go Kindle fire with snow, Kindle also available in the spring. #ShakespeareSlogans
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 Mar
A fool thinks himself wise, which is why he should register Republican. #ShakespeareSlogans
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 Mar
To NBC, or not to ABC, that's the question.  CBS tis nobler. #ShakespeareSlogans
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 Mar
To dream, perchance to taste our barbecue seasoning, aye, there's the rub. #ShakespearSlogans
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 29 Mar
It won't cost you a kingdom to attend this show. #ShakespeareSlogans
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 Mar
Great names for bands: Dad Sizzle, Thunderation, Begabbers, Great Horn Spoon, and St, Bogar, @petridishes
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 Mar
Gay marriage compromise: How about we let 2 men and 2 women marry and then they can sort it all out afterwards?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 Mar
States that allow cousins to marry should allow gays to marry. "If I divorce, is he still my cousin?"
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 Mar
GOP compromise: We won't let gays marry, but they may buy as many guns as they wish.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 Mar
@biphobia Thanks for the re-tweet, I repeat, thanks for the re-tweet.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 28 Mar
Sen. Lisa Murkowski is against gay marriage but states her views are "evolving". Right now she is just bi-curious.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 Mar
@RuthBaderGinsberg  Is there a difference between Harvey Whole Milk and Harvey Skim Milk?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 Mar
@RuthBader If marriage is whole milk, does adding cola mean you're kinky?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 Mar
I join Ashley Judd in announcing on Twitter that I also will not be running for the U.S. Senate.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 Mar
@Serenajnmoena47 Thanks for the spam. Sorry I didn't open it, but I appreciate your thinking of me.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 Mar
So, what some of you are saying is that the institution of marriage is defined by one having a pens and another having a vagina. That's all.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 Mar
@buzzbissinger I am addicted to buying clothes at Goodwill. I dropped $5,000 once and bought the whole store.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 Mar
Now trending: #SCOTUS states @WeWantOldTwitterBack, you know, where people wrote with ink wells on parchments....
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 27 Mar
If you believe marriage requires two fertile people, then if both gays are fertile, may they get married?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 26 Mar
Now trending: #ThoughtsInBed should include that #ItsNotComplicated that there should be #MarriageEquality
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 26 Mar
@1827012013317 Thank you for the favorite. I appreciate it, and the tweet is delighted.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 26 Mar
@buzzbissinger If you want nipple rings, go ahead. People should be free to make their own choices. Or should I clarify that as sober choice
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 26 Mar
Why are people against religion in their bedrooms before they see when I believe in?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 26 Mar
Why are priests and justices who wear the most fabulous robes so against the gay lifestyle?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 26 Mar
@Buzzbissinger Does an April Fools joke on March 26 count as an April Fools joke?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 26 Mar
@buzzbissinger I will be glad to help you with your shopaholicism. Go to http://amazon.com  and buy all my writings.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 26 Mar
No, Jesus did not state "love thy neighbor, but only the neighbors who are straight."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 26 Mar
What did Jesus state about gay marriage? Go ahead, I'll wait while you go look it up.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 26 Mar
So, someone thinks marriage should only be between fertile couples. But otherwise the government should not be involved in people's lives.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 26 Mar
Now trending" Among my #ThoughtsInBed is how #CatsAreSluts
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 26 Mar
@betbybitcoininf Thank you for favoring my tweet on gambling. What are the odds you'll favorite another one of my tweets?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 25 Mar
Gays came to America in the 1960s. This was not stated by a comic but by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 25 Mar
@BillGates Do not name a new condom "Next Generation". That is what the condom is supposed to be preventing.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 25 Mar
@geneweingarten Kathleen Kirshenbaum, Jewish Omama Press, Feb. 8, 2013. THe exception that proves the rule.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 25 Mar
If the Bill Gates condom is not working, you shut it down and then turn it back on.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 25 Mar
@geneweingarten "Zakia" is Hebrew for Katlhleen. "Kathleen" is Hebrew for "Oh, she married a Jew."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Mar
I hate spoilers. So Lady Sybil dies in "Walking Dead"?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 Mar
If  17, 29, 31, 52, and 53 are in the power ball tonight, no one tell me. I didn't buy a ticket. Never have.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 Mar
This is why I never gamble: I had Western Kentucky, Harvard, and UCLA. Of course, I had all the other games correct.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 Mar
I have been to many casinos and have never gambled. I will admit admit I have no idea how most gaming even works. #WhyIStillHaveMoney
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 Mar
Wait, "Go Crimson" is Harvard and not Alabama?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 Mar
@petridishes Ask not who whom the bell tolls. It tolls for whom.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 Mar
What if Woodward and Bernstein had been given 20 years and Daniel Ellsberg been given life imprisonment?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 Mar
My condolences to fans of the Florida Gulf Coast basketball team whose demise was wrongly reported.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 Mar
When Western Kentucky wins the NCAA Tournament, well, even I will be surprised....
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 Mar
I literally mean that metaphorically.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 Mar
I today learned far more about duck sex than I ever thought I would ever know. Did you know other birds don't even have penises? Sharing,
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 Mar
Twitter is seven years old? It feels like I've been tweeting for over eight years.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 Mar
Pennsylvania is moving towards selling off its state liquor stores. What if you only want to buy the store's contents?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 20 Mar
I believe only Democrats have to be born in the U.S. to be President. OK to George Romney (Mexico), John McCain (Panama) and Cruz (Canada)
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 20 Mar
If Ted Cruz runs for President, will the birther movement demand to see his birth certificate to see he was born in...Canada?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 19 Mar
In Senegal, milk chocolate topped with dark chocolate shavings and then topped with vanilla is called an Obama. Trivia to impress friends.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 19 Mar
Mike Cisco:. May California treat you far better than nothing.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 19 Mar
Well played, Bobbie Oliver, well played. RT @thebobbieoliver "To love me is to retweet me."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 19 Mar
Sanford is making a comeback in Carolina? All this time I thought Terry Sanford died in 1998.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 19 Mar
@MichelleShocked You're right. God hates fags. Those cigarettes will hurt your health.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 19 Mar
My condolences to friends and fans of Lil Wayne whose death was falsely reported on the Internet.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 19 Mar
To the person who wrote "Michelle Shocked is a positive gay role model", we need to sit down. I have some bad news...
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 19 Mar
Of course, the reality is the great void may hate us all equally.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 19 Mar
@MonicaHesse 1.) Yes. 2.) I am older than you. I am shocked Michelle Shocked doesn't know God hates us all equally.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Mar
I heard a naughty word on the "Today" show. Shocking. Then I switched to cable where naughty words live free.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Mar
It is true Ian McKellen correctly stated he is marrying Patrick Stewart.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Mar
@SherylSandberg Oh, it's "Lean In', not "Leon In". My mistake.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Mar
Sea cruises are awful. Everyone gets sick, the toilets don't work, and there are tigers in the lifeboats.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Mar
Marco Rubio on how to win: "We don't need a new idea. The idea is called America." What, Romney was un-American?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Mar
Gay marriage has more support than Congress. If you are a member of Congress at a party seeking approval, tell people you're gay.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Mar
Gay marriage now has higher support than NBC shows.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Mar
Reporters are becoming like dinosaurs. The bigger ones devour the little ones and they are growing feathers.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Mar
RNC report tells Republicans to have more "acceptance" of gays. Let them cut your hair.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Mar
Whoever started this rumor that Emma Watson will star in "50 Shades of Grey" probably did so in order to be punished.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Mar
So Obama looks like Satan on "The Bible". Better than when Satan used to be President.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Mar
When will I ever learn? I don't tweet for days and I gain followers. I return tweeting and I lose followers.
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