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Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: Computer, Spaceships, Guns, and Things That Make Loud Noises When They Explode

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Computer, Spaceships, Guns, and Things That Make Loud Noises When They Explode

I have a computerized voice on my answering machine. It sounds like a female robot. I can’t help it: that’s what comes from Bell South (trademark name: company holds no responsibility for any comments on this blog) answering machines. Yesterday, someone called me and then asked, regarding my answering machine voice, “Is that your wife?”

“Yes, I am a total geek, and I married a computer. We’re quite happy. We looking forward someday to the pitter patter of little microchips.”

I also recalled something I hadn’t thought much about in a long time: the day I got shot at. Amazing how these memories creep back. I was alright. I was riding an Amtrak (trademark name: company holds no responsibility for any comments on this blog, although they really should be doing more to protect people against getting shot while using their product) train when my window splattered. The conductor took it all in stride and explained that this happens “quite frequently in these parts”. Of course, I’m thinking, if you are aware there is a part of this journey where the locals take pot shots at passing trains, maybe you should warn passengers to duck for a few minutes while passing through that area. Just a suggestion.

Finally, today’s weird thought: is there some detector on NASA (trademark name: company holds no responsibility for the facts that they spend a great amount of time carefully and meticulously building things that make huge explosions when something goes wrong) that won’t allow a spacecraft to launch if they determine the pilot doesn’t have his seat belt fastened? Interestingly: the answer is: Yes. Which would be a really funny mistake to make. “Three…two...one…liftoff…ahh, Gordon, your seatbelt…”

My next question is: do these spacecraft have breathalyzers?

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do they have DUIs in space? Who would pull you over? Where would they you pull over to? Would an astronaut have to show license and registration? That is all too complicated.

12:23 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What is the speed limit in space and who enforces it?

7:17 AM

 
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