Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: Good Will Lawyer Hunting

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Good Will Lawyer Hunting

There is a reason why many hunters aren’t too smart. It’s not their fault; it’s all part of the Divine plan. God looked down and figured out if there are going to be a group of people who are going to carry around loaded weapons, and drink too much, that it best be that they not be bright enough to think to take lessons to learn how to shoot straight. It’s all for the best.

That’s what wrong with hunters: they don’t know how to do good PR. What hurt hunters the most was the movie “Bambi.” A smart hunter would have known to point out that whoever shot Bambi’s mother was hunting out of season. And a really smart hunter wouldn’t have left a sad orphan deer behind. He’d have shot Bambi, too.

I’m not a hunter. When my friends say “let’s get our rifles, douse ourselves with deer urine, take a six pack of beer, and sit in a tree”, I immediately find two things wrong with that sentence. Anything combining a six pack of beer with sitting in a tree is just an accident waiting to happen. Anything that involves deliberately putting urine on yourself, before you’ve drunk a six pack, is just wrong.

Of course, some intelligence would be appreciated. I have noticed there seems to be a growing number of people who believe that store lines are above them. We’ve all seen this. They cut in front of everyone. They get away with it because I seldom see the person behind the cash register say anything, probably because they’re paid a low wage and the store doesn’t care to teach people to teach common civility to others. The other day, I saw a new low. The person working the cash register was in the middle of ringing me up when someone cut in front. The register worker actually canceled out my items and rang up the other guy and then restarted my items from the beginning. When I protested, the register worker gave me the one honest answer. She looked at me and said, in all seriousness, “well, it’s his turn. He cut in front of you.” I guess that’s the new rules in life.

Should it bother for me to learn what websites link to mine? I know you Buffy fans find mine, because there is a Buffy link out there, and, boy, aren’t you surprised when you find this site: the only site that defends the rights of vampires to roam unmolested by angry women. Just be glad vampires aren't bright enough to learn how to fire rifles. There is a website on “funny accidents” that links to here. Now, I think considering this site a funny accident is just insulting. What really amuses me is there is a site “Laci Peterson Case Information” that links to here. Now this is intriguing. If there are people combing this website seeking hidden clues for secret information about the Laci Peterson case, let me give you this very important clue: Get a life, you morons.

And I was worried about the Buffy fans. I now see it can only get weirder.

Not too many people know this, but I am an ordained minister. Unfortunately, some in my church want to defrock me for my sexuality. You see, no one wants to have sex with me, and church members are finding that just embarrassing. Although, we might be able to convert some Catholics.

My life is so bad, when I explained to a beggar who really was a con artist why I couldn’t give him money because of how bad my life’s going, he shook my hand, congratulated me on coming up with a better con than he had, and he gave me money. You know you’re life is bad when your reality is worse than a con artists’ sob story.

Actually, I did find a woman, but she charges $400 an hour. The woman reassured me that she is worth the money, for while men have paid less, they all learn that, while there is no guarantee, that more men will have a happy ending if they hire her than if they hire someone less skilled. I tell you: I hate hiring a lawer.

A woman asked me if she should consider it a compliment or an insult when someone told her she looked like his ex-wife. Frankly, I think it was just a line to start conversation, but I think I have the perfect response for her. She should tell the guy “you’re right, and let me reassure you, as a member of the group of people who look like us, we all agree: you’re not our type. Believe us, one of us has tried, and the word is out.”


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