The Funny Thing Is: This One is True, and That's Not Funny

INT. FIRE THE LIAR SET

GENE/JEANNE: Hello, I am Gene “Military” Raygun. Welcome to the game “Fire the Liar”. In this game, one of two contestants tries to fool the panel as to which one of the two is lying. When the liar is discovered, it is time to “fire the liar”. The winner gets a high paying government job while the loser gets a consolation prize of working as a journalist. Let’s meet contestant number one. What’s your name and what do you do?

WALDEN: I am Walden Park Overyou. I am President of the Diefreedom Voting Machines.

GENE: What makes your voting machines special?

WALDEN: They have absolutely no paper trial. Thus, if there is a breakdown in recording the votes, there is no way to establish where the mistake was made.

GENE: What possible use is a machine where no one can tell where a mistake in counting the vote was made?

WALDEN: Well, these machines could be useful to someone who would like a mistake to be made.

GENE: Who would buy such a lousy machine?

WALDEN: Ohio.

GENE: That’s a swing state in this Presidential election. Fortunately, I am certain you are an honest man who has no interest in the outcome of this election.

WALDEN: Actually, I am upfront that I am a supporter and financial contributor to the George Bush campaign.

GENE: But you wouldn’t let your personal beliefs interfere with your work.

WALDEN: Actually, I have promised President Bush that he will win Ohio.

GENE: But it would be wrong for you to tamper with your own machines just to deliver on a promise you made to President Bush.

WALDEN: Yes. That would be wrong. Yet, as you will recall, I mentioned earlier that if such a thing would happen, there would be no paper trail showing that it happened.

GENE: Are you familiar with Chuck Hagel.

WALDEN: He is a colleague of mine. He is an owner of the Election Systems and Software Company. They are the only machines used in the Nebraska elections.

GENE: Can you tell me who the surprise winner was in the Nevada Senate elections?

WALDEN: Coincidentally, it was Chuck Hagel. That was certainly a big upset.

GENE: And how is Senator Hagel’s company doing now?

WALDEN: His company’s machines will count approximately 60 percent of the vote in the upcoming elections.

GENE: Well, our panelists appear to be convinced by what you had to say, Walden. Contestant number two, our returning champion, has some tough competition. Our second contestant hails from Washington, D.C., although he likes to pretend he’s a Texan, and he’s a federal government employee named George W. Bush.

GEORGE enters with DICK CHENEY. Dick sits on a chair. George sits on Dick’s lap.

GENE: So, George, what do you do for a living?

Dick answers while George moves his mouth silently.

DICK: I plan the invasion of a country that threatened to kill my father and rebuild that country by giving contracts to companies that contribute to me.

GENE: I couldn’t help but notice there are two of you.

DICK: That’s right. There are two George Bushes. I am one and the other is my father.

GENE: No, I mean, there’s another person with you, although I’m not certain if you aren’t really some two headed mutant.

George and Dick slowly turn their heads towards each other. When they spot each other, they drop their mouths and act surprised.

DICK: That’s my Dick. He’s my vice.

GENE: I’m sure he is. Oops, don’t want to helping out the judges there. Tell me, I requested only you to appear, but you stated you would appear only if you could bring Dick Cheney with you.

DICK: I love my Dick. I’d never severe him from me, unlike Bill, who got severed from his Vice. That was gore…(pause),,y.

GENE: What does your Dick do?

DICK: He does things in private in secret places that I’m not allowed to talk about.

GENE: Is it true that your Dick met with the heads of major energy corporations?

DICK: My Dick meets with lots of heads. They massage ideas until sometime good rises that produces lots of energy.

GENE: Do you like your Dick?

DICK: I know macho Texas men like me aren’t supposed to say this out loud, but, yes,,,

Dick sips a glass of water.

George makes gurgling noises.

DICK: (to George) Sorry.

DICK: (to camera) My Dick and I make a great pair.

GENE: Woa! None of our judges believe the two of you make a great anything. George, you’re this weeks’ liar, and I’d say you’re fired, but Donald Trump has enough money to be getting more from us.

CONDELEEZA RICE runs in.

CONDELEEZA: Liar! Liar!

GENE: Our panelist Condeleeza Rice seems overcome by your lies.

CONDELEEZA: Those two aren’t a pair. George is my…my husband!

Other PANELISTS drag Condeleeza away as she continues screaming,

CONDELEEZA: He’s mine, all mine.

GENE: Join us next week for our repeat show when Martha Stewart met Jayson Williams.