Fire the Liar

INT. GAME SHOW STUDIO

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the new version of the game show “Fire the Liar.” In this game, two people will claim to be the same person. The contestant has to figure out who the liar is, and then fire the liar. Let us meet our contestant. Tell us about yourself.

HADLY: I am Hadley Payne (pause) Attention. When I am not being a father to my two children and attending NASCAR races, I am a mother to my three children and a professional soccer player.

ANNOUNCER: As if we media types really care. Now, let us meet mystery guest number one.

GUEST ONE: My name is George W. Bush, and I am President of the United States.

ANNOUNCER: And now, mystery guest number two.

GUEST TWO: I am President Bush, the undisputed leader of the free world and the protector of the American way throughout the world, whether they want our way or not.

ANNOUNCER: Let’s start the game. Guests, begin.

GUEST ONE: I never saw any intelligence that indicated there was going to be an attack on America.

GUEST TWO: That memo marked Bin Liden Going to Attack America was ambiguous. Attack could mean a critical review, like, America, I hope they don’t film a sequel to that turkey.

GUEST ONE: I would have moved mountains to stop the attack.

GUEST TWO: Unless, of course, it would have meant canceling my golf game.

GUEST ONE: Of course we knew that American was hated by Osama bin Laden.

GUEST TWO: Which is why I had his entire family spirited out of America before we could question them for helpful information. Such as why my former oil partner used to be partners with bin Laden’s family.

GUEST ONE: The warning document contained nothing about an attack on America.

GUEST TWO: Although it did mention two targets by name: the World Trade Center and LAX. But, hey, you’ve got to be more specific.

GUEST ONE: I did receive a memo stating that al Qaeda had reached America and was preparing to hijack airplanes.

GUEST TWO: But who has time to read all those memos? There were memos on unemployment rate increases, crop production decreases. Again, if it interrupts with my golf game, who has time?

GUEST ONE: Dick Clarke did warn me about the possibility of terrorist attacks.

GUEST TWO: I love how Dick Clark still looks a teenager, even after several decades of American Bandstand.

GUEST ONE: I’m George Bush, and as long as I have your support, I will be your elected President.

GUEST TWO: I’m George Bush, and as long as I have the Supreme Court’s support, I will be your elected President.

ANNOUNCER: That you have it, Hadly. Which of our two guests do you believe is the real George Bush, and which is the liar we should fire?

HADLY: I can’t decide. May I wait until November to make my decision?

ANNOUNCER: Indeed, you may.

GUEST ONE: I hope in November you’ll choose me.

GUEST TWO: What do I care? I know your type is not going to remember by November.

ANNOUNCER: Let us see if Hadley does any better in round two. Mystery guest number three, who are you?

GUEST THREE: I am Dick Cheney, Vice President of the United States.

ANNOUNCER: Mystery guest number four, who are you?

GUEST FOUR: I am Dick Cheney, and anything more than that need not be disclosed according to executive privilege.

ANNOUNCER: Let us being round two.

GUEST THREE: Although I am the former head of Halliburton, I have no influence over the billions of dollars of government contracts given to Halliburton.

GUEST FOUR: Although they were no bid contracts determined in advance to be given to Halliburton.

HADLEY: (shrugs) I don’t get it.

GUEST THREE: Plus, what do I care what happens to Halliburton? I’m Vice President. I’m no longer an executive at Halliburton.

GUEST FOUR: Although, not only are the Halliburton executives my friends, I still own 400,000 shares of Halliburton. So, I have a financial interest in Halliburton doing well.

HADLEY: I don’t get it.

GUEST THREE: So, even if Halliburton receives some contracts, it is not like there is any harm.

GUEST FOUR: Although even our own Defense Department has found that Halliburton has submitted tens of millions of dollars in over-billings.

HADLEY: I don’t get it.
Transcript from an old episode of "Fire the Liar":

GUEST THREE: OK, so maybe you as a taxpayer have to pay a little more.

GUEST FOUR: The policies I’ve created to reward Halliburton and my other friends can lead to your children being called to military combat and possibly killed.

HADLEY: Oh, now I get it, (pause) and I’m getting it up the wazoo.

ANNOUNCER: Yes, Hadley, you’re figuring out this game. Only, you can’t fire the liar because they’re elected officials. There is no way to win this game.

HADLEY: I really do get it now. And I’m getting it good.

ANNOUNCER: That concludes this episode of Fire the Liar. Join us for our next show when we determine who really runs our State Department.