The Mentality, or Lack Thereof, of George W. Bush

INT. PSYCHOLOGIST’S OFFICE

SIG and LESLEY, psychologists, are discussing in Sig’s office.

LESLEY: I appreciate your help in analyzing this patient for me. For security purposes, he has to keep his identity secret.

SIG: What does he do for a living?

LESLEY: He’s President of the United States.

SIG: If I only had more of a clue as to who he is. Bush, Cheney, Enron, that could be anyone. What are his symptoms?

LESLEY: Vision of grandeur, gross incompetence at anything he goes, and an inability to determine what reality is. Keeps envisioning weapons of mass destruction everywhere he looks.

GEORGE BUSH enters.

LESLEY: Here he is. I’ll leave you two alone.

George sits in a chair/couch. Lesley exits.

SIG: So, what is your name?

BUSH: I’m Bush.

SIG: How long have you been thinking you’re a bush?

BUSH: My entire life.

SIG: Were your parents bushes?

BUSH: Of course.

SIG: Do you have roots?

BUSH: I have roots in Connecticut and in Texas.

SIG: Those are long roots. What do you do with your day?

BUSH: I command the largest military on Earth.

SIG: I think my son has that same video game. Where do you spend most of your days?

BUSH: In a big oval room in a big white house.

SIG: Do you do many drugs in college?

BUSH: Indeed I did.

SIG: I can tell. Let’s try some word association. Say the first thing that comes into your mind.

BUSH: Sex.

SIG: I haven’t begun.

BUSH: Well, maybe you should wait until after I leave.

SIG: White.

BUSH: Water.

SIG: Black.

BUSH: Voter.

SIG: Shock.

BUSH: Awe.

SIG: Calm.

BUSH: Supreme Court ruling in Bush v Gore.

SIG: Happy.

BUSH: Gay (pause) marriage.

SIG: Sad.

BUSH. Dam Hussein.

SIG: Home.

BUSH: Land security.

SIG: Trip.

BUSH: Acid.

SIG: Plain.

BUSH: Air Force One.

SIG: Fancy.

BUSH: Al Sharpton.

SIG: Life.

BUSH: Pro.

SIG: Kill.

BUSH: Bill…(pause) and Hillary.

SIG: Love.

BUSH. Courtney.

Sig pauses and writes notes on a paper.

SIG: Ruffled.

BUSH: Ridge.

SIG: I said “ruffled”, not “ruffles”.

BUSH: No, I’ll blame Tom Ridge when things get ruffled.

SIG: I believe I have heard enough. Bush, it is time you realize you are not a plant.

BUSH: I am too. The Supreme Court planted me where I am.

SIG: I recommend a long vacation.

BUSH: Well, I might have some extra spare time after this coming November.

SIG: Go on a trip. Forget about work. Have fun. But don’t get too carried away?

BUSH: Did you say carri…ed away? As in John?

SIG: Down the hall, to the right.

BUSH: So, am I competent to return to work?

SIG: Absolutely not. If you were a crossing guard, you’d have difficult getting children safely across the street.

BUSH: How about thousands of soldiers across an ocean?

SIG: You need serious help. Unfortunately, due to the cutbacks in medical care, you won’t be able to afford it. So, you’re free to go.

BUSH: Great. I knew, if you mess things up really good, people will just give up expecting things from me.