Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: The Mentality, or Lack Thereof, of George W. Bush

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Friday, May 13, 2005

The Mentality, or Lack Thereof, of George W. Bush


SIG and LESLEY, psychologists, are discussing in Sig’s office.

LESLEY: I appreciate your help in analyzing this patient for me. For security purposes, he has to keep his identity secret.

SIG: What does he do for a living?

LESLEY: He’s President of the United States.

SIG: If I only had more of a clue as to who he is. Bush, Cheney, Enron, that could be anyone. What are his symptoms?

LESLEY: Vision of grandeur, gross incompetence at anything he goes, and an inability to determine what reality is. Keeps envisioning weapons of mass destruction everywhere he looks.


LESLEY: Here he is. I’ll leave you two alone.

George sits in a chair/couch. Lesley exits.

SIG: So, what is your name?

BUSH: I’m Bush.

SIG: How long have you been thinking you’re a bush?

BUSH: My entire life.

SIG: Were your parents bushes?

BUSH: Of course.

SIG: Do you have roots?

BUSH: I have roots in Connecticut and in Texas.

SIG: Those are long roots. What do you do with your day?

BUSH: I command the largest military on Earth.

SIG: I think my son has that same video game. Where do you spend most of your days?

BUSH: In a big oval room in a big white house.

SIG: Do you do many drugs in college?

BUSH: Indeed I did.

SIG: I can tell. Let’s try some word association. Say the first thing that comes into your mind.

BUSH: Sex.

SIG: I haven’t begun.

BUSH: Well, maybe you should wait until after I leave.

SIG: White.

BUSH: Water.

SIG: Black.

BUSH: Voter.

SIG: Shock.

BUSH: Awe.

SIG: Calm.

BUSH: Supreme Court ruling in Bush v Gore.

SIG: Happy.

BUSH: Gay (pause) marriage.

SIG: Sad.

BUSH. Dam Hussein.

SIG: Home.

BUSH: Land security.

SIG: Trip.

BUSH: Acid.

SIG: Plain.

BUSH: Air Force One.

SIG: Fancy.

BUSH: Al Sharpton.

SIG: Life.

BUSH: Pro.

SIG: Kill.

BUSH: Bill…(pause) and Hillary.

SIG: Love.

BUSH. Courtney.

Sig pauses and writes notes on a paper.

SIG: Ruffled.

BUSH: Ridge.

SIG: I said “ruffled”, not “ruffles”.

BUSH: No, I’ll blame Tom Ridge when things get ruffled.

SIG: I believe I have heard enough. Bush, it is time you realize you are not a plant.

BUSH: I am too. The Supreme Court planted me where I am.

SIG: I recommend a long vacation.

BUSH: Well, I might have some extra spare time after this coming November.

SIG: Go on a trip. Forget about work. Have fun. But don’t get too carried away?

BUSH: Did you say carri…ed away? As in John?

SIG: Down the hall, to the right.

BUSH: So, am I competent to return to work?

SIG: Absolutely not. If you were a crossing guard, you’d have difficult getting children safely across the street.

BUSH: How about thousands of soldiers across an ocean?

SIG: You need serious help. Unfortunately, due to the cutbacks in medical care, you won’t be able to afford it. So, you’re free to go.

BUSH: Great. I knew, if you mess things up really good, people will just give up expecting things from me.


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