Tchaikovsky Sounds Funny: Useful Uses for the Patriot Act

Is this where I put in key words such as sex, lesbians, vampires, Christopher Lloyd and others things to which this blog do not pertain, but by putting them here, I may get hits from all the Christoper Lloyd lesbian vampire fans (and you know who you are)? This is the primarily humorous and occasionally rambling writings of Leon Tchaikovsky, humor writer. Enjoy.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Useful Uses for the Patriot Act


IRENE RUBINOWITZ, age 90, answers a knock on her door. JOHN ASHCONK, an FBI agent, enters. John wears a hat with antennae or ears or anything else that moves.

JOHN: Are you Irene Rubinowitz, age 90, of Park Avenue?

IRENE: Yes I am, sonny, you want a cookie?

JOHN: Don’t try bribing your way out of this. I’m John Ashconk, Special Agent, FBI.

IRENE: Are you with the X Files? I love that show.

JOHN: I’m with the Patriot Act enforcement. Like X Files, I deal with alien threats.

John moves his head so his antennae rotate,

JOHN: And I detect that: you!, are an alien threat.

IRENE: Well, I did immigrate, but I’ve become a citizen.

JOHN: So you confess that you are a foreign spy.

IRENE: Pie? Yes, I have a pie baking.

John waves his antennae more forcefully at Irene.

JOHN: The FBI notes you withdrew a book on bomb making from the local library.

IRENE: I thought the book “Cooking with Bombs” was about making chili. My eyesight is bad. I returned the book.

JOHN: Yes, but you failed to pay the overdue book fine. You like to show disregard for the law, don’t you?

John shakes his antennae at Irene.

IRENE: I’m an old woman, I’m been confused since I returned from vacation in Israel.

JOHN: Do you frequently travel to the Middle East?

IRENE: My granddaughter lives on a kibbutz. I was visiting her.

JOHN: So you’re politically active?

IRENE: At my age, I’m not anything active.

JOHN: I’m taking you in.

IRENE: Let me call my lawyer.

JOHN: I’m sorry, but under the Patriot Act, you have no right to an attorney.

John grabs Irene by the arm. John leads Irene towards the door.

IRENE: Albert! Help! They’re taking me away.

ALBERT, age 90, enters.

ALBERT: Hey, you, where are you taking my wife?

JOHN: I am sorry, but under the Patriot Act, I do not need to disclose that.

ALBERT: How long are you keeping her?

JOHN: We can hold her indefinitely.

ALBERT: How do I get in touch with her?

JOHN: You can’t.

John leads Irene out the door.

IRENE: Albert, do something.

Albert shuffles to the telephone, picks the phone up, and dials. Albert is indignant.

ALBERT: Hello, FBI. You just arrested my wife, Irene Rubinowitz. Do you know who my brother in law is? Do you?

Albert speaks slyly.

ALBERT: My brother in law also is a terrorist. Take him away, too.

Albert sits on a chair and laughs.


Post a Comment

<< Home

Listed on BlogShares