Useful Uses for the Patriot Act

INT. IRENE RUBINOWITZ’s apartment.

IRENE RUBINOWITZ, age 90, answers a knock on her door. JOHN ASHCONK, an FBI agent, enters. John wears a hat with antennae or ears or anything else that moves.

JOHN: Are you Irene Rubinowitz, age 90, of Park Avenue?

IRENE: Yes I am, sonny, you want a cookie?

JOHN: Don’t try bribing your way out of this. I’m John Ashconk, Special Agent, FBI.

IRENE: Are you with the X Files? I love that show.

JOHN: I’m with the Patriot Act enforcement. Like X Files, I deal with alien threats.

John moves his head so his antennae rotate,

JOHN: And I detect that: you!, are an alien threat.

IRENE: Well, I did immigrate, but I’ve become a citizen.

JOHN: So you confess that you are a foreign spy.

IRENE: Pie? Yes, I have a pie baking.

John waves his antennae more forcefully at Irene.

JOHN: The FBI notes you withdrew a book on bomb making from the local library.

IRENE: I thought the book “Cooking with Bombs” was about making chili. My eyesight is bad. I returned the book.

JOHN: Yes, but you failed to pay the overdue book fine. You like to show disregard for the law, don’t you?

John shakes his antennae at Irene.

IRENE: I’m an old woman, I’m been confused since I returned from vacation in Israel.

JOHN: Do you frequently travel to the Middle East?

IRENE: My granddaughter lives on a kibbutz. I was visiting her.

JOHN: So you’re politically active?

IRENE: At my age, I’m not anything active.

JOHN: I’m taking you in.

IRENE: Let me call my lawyer.

JOHN: I’m sorry, but under the Patriot Act, you have no right to an attorney.

John grabs Irene by the arm. John leads Irene towards the door.

IRENE: Albert! Help! They’re taking me away.

ALBERT, age 90, enters.

ALBERT: Hey, you, where are you taking my wife?

JOHN: I am sorry, but under the Patriot Act, I do not need to disclose that.

ALBERT: How long are you keeping her?

JOHN: We can hold her indefinitely.

ALBERT: How do I get in touch with her?

JOHN: You can’t.

John leads Irene out the door.

IRENE: Albert, do something.

Albert shuffles to the telephone, picks the phone up, and dials. Albert is indignant.

ALBERT: Hello, FBI. You just arrested my wife, Irene Rubinowitz. Do you know who my brother in law is? Do you?

Albert speaks slyly.

ALBERT: My brother in law also is a terrorist. Take him away, too.

Albert sits on a chair and laughs.