Kisses Tweeter than Wine

Sad to learn that Marcia Wallace has died. Her wit expressed from her talents through his hair colors will be remembered and respected.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13h
God just sent me a direct message: "I thought you were dead."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13h
@geneweingarten @TheTweetOfGod God, send Your message to your messenger Justin Bieber and have Bieber forward it to Gene Weingarten.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23h
If you are a bad Satanist, do you go to heaven?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 25 Oct
What does one expect from a health care named Kaiser? That is just one step away from health care named Fuhrer.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 25 Oct
@petridishes "Bravehearts" stereotypes Scottish people.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 25 Oct
If the Redskins change their name to Bravehearts, at least absolutely no one will think they were named after Congress.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 25 Oct
Washington Bravehearts? An insult to all people born with heart defects.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 25 Oct
"18 straight whiskeys. What do you mean that's not the record?" said the guy who lived to see another day.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 25 Oct
I tweet a puppy drowns if you un-follow me, and two people un-follow me. Two cruel heartless people who hate puppies.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 25 Oct
@MonicaHesse Badass Helen Thomas. Make male journalists mingle with female journalists.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 25 Oct
@petridishes After which, millions have wondered "what on Earth does Liz see in Jon?"
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 25 Oct
@ReliableSource Not that you were wondering, yet am one of those tweeting because I have no image to protect. .Rep. Weiner looks down at me.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 25 Oct
@petridishes I still think Abe Vigoda would be perfect for "Fifty Shades of Grey".
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Oct
Newly released sealed documents show Lee Harvey Oswald killed President McKinley.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Oct
No, wait, that was only a false myth about First Lady McKinley, who only tried to drown President McKinley.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Oct
Remember, every time someone un-follows me, First Lady McKinley returns to life and drowns a puppy.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Oct
Now trending: #Pedoria who gets hits and will next sing the National Anthem.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Oct
Cincinnati is where more trends start than anywhere else. #CincinnatiTrending
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Oct
@JamesTaylor You're right, it is one of those songs.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Oct
@geneweingarten BONG (whoever fixed me made me bong three minutes late)
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Oct
@geneweingarten You know, I've ridden roller coasters.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Oct
I did the "which state should you live in?" test. It responded by asking me to renounce my American citizenship.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Oct
I did the "which state should you live in?" test. I was told to live in "denial".
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Oct
I am in the top two million in Kindle sales this week! Yeah, I have achieved no success,
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Oct
Who remembers the prediction that there would be death panels now? I sure appreciate that warning. I will avoid that which does not exist.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Oct
I am upset "Hoarders" has been cancelled. I wanted to add to my stacks of episodes of "Hoarders" I have collected.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Oct
@TheTweetOfGod What does Justin Bieber have that I don't?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Oct
Governor Christie: If it will make you feel better, you are welcome to come to my funeral.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Oct
@geneweingarten Pat Robertson can heal the deaf, but he is unable to do anything about his followers' dumbness.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Oct
I was hoping Woody Allen would be picked to write the next "Star Wars" screenplay.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Oct
To my actor friends: Break a leg. No, seriously. Then sue the theater owner. That's the only way to make money in theater these days,
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 24 Oct
@monicahesse Don't forget you had an appointment over an hour ago. And one again next week. (Maybe I should remind you closer to then.)
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 Oct
Comic Con weddings come with an optional zombie attack. Well, that clinches it for me.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 Oct
You may legally get married at Comic Con. The only problem is most attendees don't even have dates much less marriage prospects...
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 Oct
@ReliableSource So, you're saying the Washington Post "is a big singing bird?"
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 Oct
Happy early merry Christmas to my Christian friends. To my non-Christmas friends, enjoy Halloween and ignore the Xmas decorations.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 Oct
After years of research, I have concluded that JFK sadly died while cleaning his gun and it accidentally went off.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 Oct
@geneweingarten Doth thou protest too much, I thinks?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 23 Oct
PA. Congressional District 7 is a pencil necked moose kicking a large rabbit.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 Oct
@MonicaHesse Elvis shot JFK in jealousy over Marilyn Monroe. (That's my book. What are you writing?)
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 Oct
@MonicaHesse No, you didn't kill JFK. I would have remembered if you were there (Oops, did I write that out loud?)
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 Oct
Dear drug users: If your pusher has some of that new stuff, krokodil, say no. It has a nasty bite to it.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 Oct
Technique grows hair on mice might work on humans, but who wants to grow mice hair?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 Oct
To the "religious" leader telling us not to buy community lesbian cookies: Why not? Communist lesbians might make great tasting cookies
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 Oct
@geneweingarten Agnew did not replace Tom Eagleton. Agnew already was Vice President under Nixon.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 22 Oct
The problem with dating Catholic women is they feel guilty afterwards and I can't help but take that personally.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 21 Oct
Let us celebrate this Halloween season by putting up our Christmas and/or Chanukah decorations.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 20 Oct
It has been days since Congress once again repealed Obamacare. I am beginning to miss that wild and crazy gang and their misadventures.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 19 Oct
Soylentgreenesque #MyLifeInOneWord
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 19 Oct
Ad of the Year: "Do not vote for Bob Wiser. I am Bob Wiser and I approve this message."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 19 Oct
I don't understand Americans. They say that want to watch what happens when a group of tigers meet a group of cardinals. Weird.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 19 Oct
To the universities who fund raised for studies on the inferiority of races: There is a long line of people of all races outside for you.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 19 Oct
To the Tea Partier with the class action suit against gays: There is a long line of gays outside ready to pay you back what you deserve.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Oct
Maybe now would be a good time to move the Dodgers back to Brooklyn.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Oct
If you put your penis into a toaster or a chainsaw, you may also be a stupid redneck. Just saying.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Oct
Also, do not massage your penis with a chainsaw, It does not feel as good as you may have thought.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Oct
I fear for the guys who actually have tried putting their penises into toasters since this story emerged. They wonder why they're single.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Oct
Oh, and in case the message was not clear from before, do NOT put your penis into a toaster.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Oct
If you set yourself afire while lighting a cross, you might be a stupid redneck.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Oct
@sutterink Pied crow: You mean the African crow or the ones that fit into a pie?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Oct
Secret revealed: JFK assassination was a well orchestrated suicide.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 18 Oct
I remember when you only had sex to procreate children And you weren't allowed to enjoy it. The orgasm had not yet been invented. Good times
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Oct
There is a radical new teaching method that seems to be successful. It is called Turn Off Your Computers and Listen to the Teacher.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Oct
I declare, Boyd Crowder, something about you looks different. #SAOFX
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Oct
At last, a sitcom with a Black character who has a friend who is Black and...oops, nope, they just killed him.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Oct
@Joshakabamaboy Hey, thanks for the spam. I always appreciate it when spammers think of me.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Oct
Why is it when I hear a huge serpent was caught off the California coast my first thoughts were "your momma is so fat..."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Oct
Birthers: Ted Cruz was born in Canada, which is part of the USA. Obama was born in that foreign country Hawaii.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Oct
So is John Boehner now the Democratic House Speaker?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Oct
@petridishes Yes. In 2009. I am now part of the lacing in an elaborate "Kinky Boots" fusion group costume.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Oct
@HorrorNights Go Whatsamatta U, the Fighting Procrastinators.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Oct
My condolences to friends of U.S. Rep. Bill Young whose death was incorrectly announced earlier today.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Oct
@geneweingarten I'd lose all my followers by tweeting "thank you joining our cell. The NSA has found us out..."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Oct
@GarryMunn Thanks for the follow. Glad to hear of your hits (you are a musician, right, and not with the mob?)
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Oct
Why is it the only women who write to me do so in duplicate spam messages?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Oct
@MonicaHesse I hope Mayor Stubbs runs for President.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Oct
@thebobbieoliver Harry Houdini and John Boehner both returned from the dead to thank you for the favorite.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 17 Oct
@petridishes Is it me, or have the pandas put on some weight?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Oct
If Harry Houdini hasn't come back yet, why not give it one more try? Reminds me of Congressional Republicans trying to repeal Obamacare
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Oct
Congress averts government shutdown with loss of only one stenographer.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Oct
OK,all you Federal employees, Fly back tonight from Tahiti and get back to work tomorrow.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Oct
Remember, what the Tea Party wants is to cut any benefits other than the benefits they get.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Oct
@CSPANBen Thank you for the retweet. More people I know watch CSPAN late night than watch NBC prime time.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Oct
You know, I was also on the Hallmark channel. No one saw that either. I have loyal friends.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Oct
One friend saw me on E! but said she fell asleep in the middle of it.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Oct
3 friends call to tell me they saw me on CSPAN at 3 am. I am on NBC on prime time and no one I know watched.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Oct
So Ted Cruz obtained the names of two million potential donors on a petition. I am glad these last few days were not wasted.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Oct
And future Presidential candidate Marco Rubio has just won out over Florida Senator Marco Rubio.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Oct
92% of all political tweets are incorrect, which is still a better percent that the % of misinformed tweets sent out by Congress.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Oct
No, I am not a cast member of "Walking Dead". This is how I look ordinarily.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Oct
I always say delaying important emergency decisions until February is the way to go.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Oct
Anthony Weiner. That's it. #MorePatheticThanBoehner
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 16 Oct
Washington has become such an embarrassment that the Nationals want to move to another city.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 15 Oct
The first rule of fight club is...wait, I can't talk about that Never mind.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 15 Oct
In my decades of scholarly research, I am left with the question: "what does the fox say?"
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Oct
God spoke to me once. He said "Leon, don't do a thing. I'll handle things myself."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Oct
@MonicaHesse I am more concerned that the only Twitter account "God" follows is Justin Bieber.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Oct
Sometime every one will get one fifteenth of a second of fame.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Oct
Chelsea Handler is today's Mark Twain.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Oct
Congressional Republicans opposed signing the WW I Treaty to embarrass Wilson. Glad Congress will never repeat such actions as that.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Oct
News of NSA gathering buddy lists makes me realize I should never have accepted that friend request from Kim Jung Il.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Oct
Sears commercial where the squirrel mates with the guy's mouth brings no disapproval. Even the Radical Right gives pass to big business.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Oct
Woodrow Wilson turned down to lead the Baseball Association. How different might the world be if Wilson went into sports, not politics?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Oct
New GOP strategy: "We'll burn that bridge when we come to it."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Oct
Do you get a discount on our taxes for the days the government was shut down?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Oct
@petridishes Then where would the distributor send the bill for her order of foam fingers?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Oct
Overheard in Hollywood restaurant: "It s "Despicable Me" meets "The Walking Dead.'"
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Oct
@MiniPalin Thank you for the favorite. I could be wrong, but I suspect that mean Big Sarah is not taking you with her to Iowa?
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 Horror Nights ‏@HorrorNights 14 Oct
Choices are 1) Miss HHN, 2) Bring Izzy or 3) Guilt my niece I just hooked up with free tickets into baby sitting! What should I do? Vote now
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Oct
@HorrorNights Hire a babysitter. Or add a baby to a Bill and Ted sketch and have your 8 month old join the actors guild.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Oct
Sarah Palin is visiting Iowa. That news just ruined Ted Cruz's day.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Oct
So, today we celebrate a man who can't tell apart continents.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 14 Oct
Overheard taunting on the Metro: "I'm essential and you're not."
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 13 Oct
@therealninjabob Thank you for favoring and retweeting a tweet. The tweet now feels special and is demanding a higher salary.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 12 Oct
Overheard mother to young son: "Just cut through the line and push aside anyone in your way." Son will someday make a great U.S. Rep.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 11 Oct
Did shows on 3 different networks today. Yes I am a network whore.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 10 Oct
Bobbie Oliver's "Tao of Comedy" is a fun teaching guide for comics. Why can't all instruction books be that much fun?
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 9 Oct
The new definition of insanity is you approve of Congress.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 9 Oct
This is not a joke. If a court ruled you're dead over 3 years ago, your being alive can not undo your being legally dead. Live with that.
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 Leon Tchaikovsky ‏@SexiestLyingWit 9 Oct
Now trending: #ThankYouJesusFor #PricelessBaseball
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