President's State of the Anti-Union

President Bush asked if I would draft him a speech. Here is the returned speech after the White House made a few corrections. What do readers think:

Statement of President George W. “Dubya Your Pleasure” Bush:

Outsourcing American jobs to other countries is good for the economy. If just ten Americans would be willing to sacrifice their jobs so that nine other Americans can get lower paying jobs, the profitability of our country’s multinational enterprises will expand so that nines of other Americans can reap the rewards of the sacrifices of tens of other Americans.

I am not asking Americans to make this sacrifice without myself making this same sacrifice. I have looked around the White House and found that, I too, can save money by outsourcing White House jobs.

The Commerce Secretary provides companies with federal loans. That work can be done just as well by a phone operator in India. Thus, I wish to announce that my new Commerce Secretary is Rajib, or Rajob, or something like that, from New Delhi, or Punjab, or something like that.

Under the terms of NAFTA, if another North American country can provide the same service, I must allow that service into our country. Thus, my Labor Secretary is now a Canadian high school Economics teacher, my new Attorney General is a corrupt Mexico City police officer, and my Transportation Secretary is a Montreal cab driver who doesn’t speak English.

It makes logical sense that I outsource my Defense Secretary. I need someone familiar with foreign countries so I have a better understanding of how to kill them. I have hired the best expert on terrorism in the world, and, thus, I wish to announce that my new Defense Secretary is a terrorist expert named Benjamin Ladin, who lives in Afghanistan, or perhaps Pakistan. I’m not sure which, but whichever it is, I am certain he knows more about the job that any American does.

For those concerned that I have outsourced all my Cabinet, I want you to know that my Agriculture Secretary will remain an American. Granted, it is an illegal migrant farm worker. Yet, if the Latino vote goes Republican, I promise I will grant all illegal immigrants full citizenship, so my Agriculture Secretary will indeed be an American.

Plus, my Vice President will remain an American. It is just that he’s been in a secret location, which is actually outside the country, so much that his job has practically already been outsourced.

I am going to even save our country more money by outsourcing my own job. Thus, I am announcing that I am becoming a French bar maid. For this day forth, I will work only for the tips that people attending White House functions provide. I will, however, only keep half of all proceeds I derive from any lap dances I provide. At last, I have found a way to save my country money, and to perform a job to which I am truly qualified.

Good night, America, and cheers.